What If..

Last night was a rough night as a beautiful little two year old boy slept in my bed. It is always so sweet to cuddle next to one of the boys in the middle of the night as thier innocence abounds. Those moments are fleeting as my eye lids get heavy and I also want to sleep. That is when the kicking, rolling over and over and over begins. There is never any sleep for momma sleeping next to one of the boys..even in its sweetness.

I spent most of the night in a fog between being a sleep and awake, dreaming of all the places I would be if I would have made different decisions.

It was harder than normal to wake up this morning to alot of the same ol, some ol. My hurt even to the idea that life would be differant for the boys, if I would have choosen a differant path..

I would be differant if I choose a differant path..

Trying to think that God allowed me to make my own decisons because He  ultimately knew it would bring me back to the same place:Him.

I love God. I have always loved God. As a young child, I spend my youth in church with church friends. It was went I looked outside of that place and those poeple, I lost something. Looking back, it was more than I thought at the time.

It was not until many years later that I realized loving God and knowing Him meant two entirely differant things. That was when I compeletely surrendered my life to Him, and that was when my path, my dreams and the journey I thought I was taking took a drastically differant turn.

The turn has brought so much heart ache that I never would have thought that seeking to know God, really know Him, would have brought me through this circle of heartache that I am still enduring.

I do not regret the decision I made, nor do I regret the decision to continue to follow God anywhere through anything trusting Him. I regret the pain that I can not seem to make the right decision to alevate my family from continuely enduring!!

The decisions I am making, the path I am following must not be the one God is not wanting me to continue on. Throughout the day I have just been questioning, "Where do I go from here?"

If money were not an object, I would pick-up with Rod & the boys,we would go somewhere and start again. This has been our prayer for along time, to move and start our life together. Not the lives that other people think that we should be living and putting there selfish thoughts, opinions and feelings upon us to deal with. As if we do not have enough to consentrate upon other than what others want for us, instead we are searching for what God wants for our family.

"What if.." is the question that has plaqued my existence today and I do not have answers for the questions my soul has. Wished I did, it may make it easier to sleep and walk through tomorrow.

Tomorrow..
I do not know what tomorrow holds..
What if tomorrow..

I do not know what tomorrow holds but I do know the one who holds tomorrow. Tonight may be rough, and the days may continue to be uncertain but if my faith continues to hold strong, I know God will eventually lead me down the path He has designed specifically for me. Even if there days like this..

~Kristy~