I took the month of June off of blogging because I felt as if I was getting a little lost. I was becoming the # on the scale again, and it was defining me. Along with with being a soccer/baseball mom, a student, Rod's wife, someone who had a gastric bypass, and a peanut allergy mom.
I felt like blogging was a chore instead of something I enjoyed, and I needed to take a step back and take a break.
My friend Serena is constantly reminding me to take things off of my plate, instead I keep going back for second or third helpings until I am stuffed with things to do or places to be. Then I am texting her frantically asking
why do I do this to myself ??
To reaffirm my friends advice, my devotional had a subheading titled Hula-hoops and Holiness. The author wrote," Life is filled with Hula-Hoops. We all have responsibilites, important things that need our attention. If we are not careful, however, our hearts and minds can be consumed with with task of keeping them in the air. Rather than centering ourselves on Christ and letting the other elements of our lives take thier rightful place around that center, we end up shifting our attention from one important to-do item to another, frantically trying to keep them all in motion."
It sounds like
someone else is also trying to remind me to take something of my plate too?!
In June, I stepped back from alot of things/people and tried to revaluate why I do the things I do and how to stop feeling so overwhelmed
all of the time. I think I just skimmed the surface of a very large mountain in whose valley I have been stuck in for a very,very long time. For the first time in a long time, I began searching God's word to see how to get out of the mess I found myself in. Honestly, I did not know or understand how I got to where I was but I was most certainly lost with no cell reception and no one else to rely upon but the internal motivation to find my way out.
I would "dabble" with my devotions or reading my bible. I would pick up, and begin to read books that talked about my spiritual walk. I would even pray night and day regarding my needs. I would tell God what I needed from Him, then pick up my stack of hula-hoops and be off running again while trying to multitask a bizillion things!! I never stopped to realize that maybe I was not hearing from God because I was not listening to Him?! But I had things to do, places to go and mom/wife/student/ etc etc etc to be
right???
My devotion this morning most certainly sums it all up, " As I looked back at my life, I could see a series of mountain top experiences where the rain had fallen deep and rich, but there where quite a few dry valleys as well. Famine times when I was so dry and so low emotionally that I barely felt alive...And now, most recently, I felt lost in a barren, futureless desert."
I was stuck in a desert attempting to keep a throng of hula-hoops floating seemlessly smiling the entire time while inside I felt as if I could not breathe. The headaches were getting stronger and closer together. I was not sleeping and now the anxiety attaches were surfacing again. I thought if I made it through this month, it would be a miracle!!
June was a painful month for me, where I battled my own will for time and got up each morning to read God's word and search for His meaning for my life. More times than not, I was climbed on by my children, asked for food and pleaded for just a few moments to get just something from the word because I am so thirsty to hear something,
anything from God!
But the message is clear, I NEED to put down the hula-hoops and walk away!!
Just encase, I was not hearing God clearly enough, He (in addition to my lovely friend, Serena already telling me I was doing to much) reminded me how I felt as I battled horrorible pains on the way to Ohio for my aunts wedding that put us 3 hours behind as I battled dehydration because I worked tirelessly for a week and did not drink enough to get ready to go 3 hours south for less than 24 hours because everything has to be done,
right?!
Next, was sitting next my friend Shiela at a graduation party and listen to her retell her story of how she put her health in jeopardy to take care or everyone and everything but herself. Finally, a doctor told her she
had to cut back! But isn't mom to suppose to take care of everyone and everything for her family, I asked my friend. She smiled kindly and said, "Kristy, take it from me. Self care is more important than you realize. If I would have stopped along time ago, I may be in a differant place today."
Finally,I woke up early Sunday morning to prepare, pack and get everyone ready for our church's annual, "church in the park" picnic. I had shopped the day before, prepped that night and now I was baking at 7am. Everything literally came to a crashing hault as I watched Korbins favorite dessert fall to the ground and my glass dish shatter everywhere at the park. My heart was broken as I watched my hard work be destroyed along with my attitude. Several hours later, I sat across the picnic table from another friend, Lori. She smiled beautifully as I retell my mistrust of babysitters because of the boys food allergies knowing she has walked in my foot steps for many years.As I get the good part of my story saying that I may have an opportunity to work in the lunch room at Korbins school this fall, she nods excitedly because she knows I am going to ask her to watch
the hurricane Konnor. I tell her I keep planning that someday Rod is going back to work. Lori smiles sweetly again and stops short of shaking her head and patting my hand and says, "Maybe Kristy, God wants you to stop planning." ME?? Stop planning?? God surely is having a chuckle at that,
right??
That night, I felt like Peter listening to the cock crowing three times.
Yesterday was July 1st, I had made it through June.
July has to be differant. Something has to change.
But what??
This morning, I began to think about the hula-hoops in my life. Both the ones that I wanted and the ones I did not. How gracious God had been by giving me the same chance he gave Peter, repentence and opportunity to change, and how could I not hear Him calling me to lay down my hula-hoops, take up my cross and follow Him??
This is where faith comes in, because I have absolutely no idea how to what I know comes next: saying no. As I continue to seek God, He will supply me with the wisdom I need to know what needs my attention and what to pass upon, as another good friend has once said, "God does not call the equiped but He equips the called."
God is equipping me for the journey of simplifying my life, and my hula-hoops, in order to better serve Him. What is God asking you to do, so that He may better equip you for the journey a head??
