School..Again??

Last semester, I enrolled at a local college to attempt to finish my degree...in what was the question. I prayed about it for a long time, then through that prayer God spoke to my heart and told me it just was not the right time in our lives.
This college wanted me to enroll in a Physical Therapy Assistant (PTA) program, which is what I registered under but just didn't "feel" it. All I kept saying was I just really want my nursing degree!!!
Right after my mom died, and I came home from the 4 year college where I was living on campus & attending, I took some classes at a local community college to try and stay on track to finish my degree. So randomly today, I got on thier website to see what it would take for me to finish my education.
I was plesantly surprised, as I checked out there online classes to see that ALL of the prereq's I would need are listed online. To further aid in my joy, there are several classes I had already taken are listed on the prereq's for the associate in nursing degree, which means that if I were to enroll there in the winter, I could take those prereq's from home as online classes, then the core nursing classes are listed as day/evening/week-end classes.
This flexable class schedule would enable me to finish my degree; according my calculations, in 18 months!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I am back to praying again. Is this the right time in ourlives? I feel this sense of urgency to get this degree done so that it can stop looming over my head. There are just so many more things that play into this decision now that I am a mommy and wife.
To further complicate this decision, we really want to have more babies. However, it would be more complicated that it is right now to continue my education with more babies. Yet, with me finishing at a community college my credits are still good for three years( for science classes), so that I could stop when we have another child then start again when I/we are ready with a timing penalty.
It is our strong desire to send our children to a christain school. It is my belief that I will need to work to help pay that tution. And it is my question, that if I am gonna work part time, I should make enough to afford something other than the gas to get there and the car payment!!!
I am praying that God will just make himself evident in this decision and provide away, if it is His will.

Lost Turkeys

The average turkey that Americana's buy for Thanksgiving is 22 pounds. Since Dec. 6, 2007 I have lost 172 pounds, and if I put that in thanksgiving terminology, I have lost 7.81 turkey's!!! Could you imagine lining that many turkey's up on the counter and then trying to affix them to my body to carry around!!!!!!! Ahhh?!?!?! No wonder my knee's hurt and my back ached, and I was tired and lethargic all of the time?
I love it when my weight loss and life style change really comes down to everyday life for me, it really shows me how I have changed my life and what I have worked for.

Godly Contentment

Goals. We all got'em, for the last 10 months, mine have revolved around the scale. What is says but what it doesn't say speaks so much more to me. For some reason seeing that scale go down has given me validation, both with myself and others.
I have watched the scale go down from 379 pounds to 207 pounds, sometimes it goes strait down and other times toggling back and forth for a couple of days or so. I have stayed on a strict diet for weeks at a time and others, I have gotten off track for what seems like forever.
But now matter what numerals appear on my digital scale, I still feel as if I am in limbo, waitting for something else to happen.
God's word speaks about contenment in 21 different verses, yet I have found none. And I do not know where this feeling of falling and never reaching the bottom stems from.
Each day, all of my basic needs are met- I have a warm home, clothes to put on and food to put in my stomach. Beyond that I have a great God to go too with what ever situation ales me at the moment. He is " a friend that sticks closer than a brother" in a variety of ways. However, I constantly sit waitting for the other shoe to fall.
Through out this year, I have found that peace from within that I have so often sought after in food without it. Again, it seems as if that unquenchable hunger has returned and I am left shaking my head in wonder as to why.
Is it the time of year that it is?
Is it the continual uncertainty of my husbands job?
Is it the decision as to when to move and where to live?
Is it the right time to have other children or not?
Is it the right time for me to go back to school or not?
These are a few of the questions I wrestle with on a daily basis.
Strangely enough, I never completely give these nagging situations over to the Lord as I know that I should.
My heart tells me to give my problems and concerns to the Master Decision Make of my life, and allow Him to work in ways in which I can not. However,it seems as if day by day I am constantly challenged to handle these decisions myself.
Hebrews 13:5 says Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” or Proverbs 3:5 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart and Lean not unto your own understanding. In reading these verses and knowing and understanding them, am I being the person that God wants me to be in being discontent and leaning on my own understanding??
Another question to wrestle with.
I guess the bigger question is to be asking myself is why has this discontment reared it's ugly head and how do I get back to the sense of peace I had only months ago?
I know the answer to this, for it is my life's verse:Phillippians 4:6-7 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Lord God, I ask through prayer and supplication in the earnest seeking of your word and in thanksgiving of the great gifts you have already bestowed upon me according to your riches in heaven that you will help me not to lean on my own understanding but thine will be done and that you will restore my inner peace and my focus on those things Godly and Good. Help me to guard my heart and mind against the enemy being annxious for nothing, and to think and act upon those things that are pure and lovely.Amen.

Christmas Pictures

Birthday Party Day

On Saturday, Korbin celebrated his 4th birthday. We usuaully have one big party, for both family and friends. However, this year we decided to seperate the two and take Korbin with his class friends from church to Chuck E. Cheese. Then, later that afternoon, we had cake & ice cream with our family in the front office at our apartment complex. It was a busy afternoon, but alot of fun.
Korbin's best friends, Natalie and Noah along with his cousin Shelley went to the pizza fun place, where we spent two very load hours. It was a good time, seeing the kids run & have fun doing what kids to best. One of the reasons I love Chuch E. Cheese, is that they have the kids safe policy where you and your child must have a matching stamp to come & go from the enterence/exit. If your stamps do not match, then the adult and kid can not leave together. It does not replace parental supervision but it does give some piece of mind that he can not walk out the door with anyone either.
It was a rainy day, so an indoor party with lots to see and do what exactly what the dr. ordered! So, two hours later, we packed up our things and headed home to relax and get ready for cake and ice cream with the family. We usually just invite Korbins friends to our family party, however, this year it just worked out better to take the little kids to do something more active and fun.
We had the leasing ceter for two hours, and it was a quick cake, ice cream and presents. I loved it!! The clean up with quick and it was very low-key. Almost like a birthday party we would have if we had a home to have it in. By 5 pm, we were packed up (still in the rain) and headed home. Korbin played with each and every toy he got before the nights end. I think this was a really enjoyable day for him and something he will remember in the future.
Birthdays are a big deal for me. I decorate the house, we have a theme, and always have a cake with the persons name on it. My own birthday is two days after christmas. After is the key word there, when everyone is broke and worn out. Which has always made me feel a little bit like an after thought. Especially when people use phrases like "Merry christmas and Happy Birthday". Which would be great,if they were on the same day. For many people, for many years my christmas gifts would double as birthday presents and any formality of having a birthday would be gone.
So, when I had a child, I knew that thier day- the day I told them I was happy that they were born and here with us- would not be anything less than special. Some say I go over board. So what?? Your child is only your child for a short time, why not show them how special they are to you while you can? The key to this, however, is using these things as teaching moments to help them develope into that teenage/ adult that is coming quicker than the rain drops whether you like it or not.
To have these moments to celebrate thier lives, but not to celebrate raising a spoiled brat. One way in which I do this, is I stop him (as often as I can, he is still a kid) and tell him to say Thank you to whom evers gift he has opened. As well as when he is done, he has to go and say thank you and give hugs. It's not perfect, sometimes its a struggle, but I want to attempt to keep his attitude humble and his heart soft.
So, it was a busy day but an enjoyable one. Tomorrow, we will begin writting our thank you cards, Korbin is big enough this year to help write in them. It is hard for me to believe my baby has turned into a big boy right before my very eyes.
It gives new meaning to his morning verse " This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it". These years are going to fast, I will be glad in each day we have while we have it!!!

True Happiness

I just realized that true happiness does not come from owning new cars, having a ton of money in the bank or catherial peaks in an over sized home. But it comes from being told your the best mommy ever when you give your child something and when your son & husband lay on the floor nose to nose and put together a used train set. It warms my soul and fills my heart with joy so much that it leaks out my eyes as tears. And just as I think it can not get any better than it is at this particular moment, the love of my life winks at me, smiles and says "I love ya, honey".
Thank you God! I stand in awe of the simple gifts that you give me everyday. Thank you for my son & husband, my cup runneth over!!

Standing with the Fridgerator Open

Wasting my time, wasting electricity wondering why I think that life's problems can be solved inside the ice box. I've searched the cub boards, the pantry and the grocery store shelves with an intense need to feed my feelings for years. Why I thought I could just solve this dilemma with a surgery is beyond me.
Maybe for the last several months, I have put everything/everyone out of my line of vision and focused on the big prize. With much success, I might add. Now that the holidays are fastly approaching, my emotions are outta whack and I am in search of something to get them back in check.
Sadly, old habits die hard, and I always begin my search in the fridge. The professionals call it self-sabotage. I read alot about it prior to my wls, and I am conscious of it now and try to gain prespective each time I reach for the food. I struggle with breaking this habit as it has been an issue since before I can remember it not being an issue.
Food was my friend, my comforter, my confident, and it filled every void that I had. I never went through a mourning period for this food, like so many do that have wls. I mainly felt relieved, like a house guest that came and stayed to long; I was happy that it was gone.
Just as I am happy that it took 150 pounds with it. I stand in the door way, and wave good-bye to the lost blubber. Then quietly close the door and do a happy dance that it is gone. That is what I do most every day. So these feelings of insecurity and insignificane are some what of an anomoly to me.
It is the preverbial angel and devil senerio, and I can choose. The past or the present. I am struggling in this new life I have choosen, it is not easy as I had thought it would be. Actually prayed that it would be. However, I must say that God has seen me through this experience with more good times than bad. So what am I saying? I'm not sure...just rambling I guess. But mainly I am wondering why the little man in the fridge who turns the light on and off has not yelled at me yet and told me to close the door?!

Hi! My name is Kristy & I am an emotional eatter!!

This afternoon, I delt with my first episode of "dumping" since my weightloss surgery. It was an absolute horrific experience I never, ever wish to repeat.
"Dumping syndrome is an effective result of the gastric bypass system which alerts the body of inappropriate eating. Dumping syndrome is described as a shock-like state when small, easily absorbed food particles rapidly dump into the digestive system. This results in a very unpleasant feeling with symptoms such as a cold clammy sweat, pallor, butterflies in the stomach and a pounding pulse. These symptoms may be followed by cramps and diarrhea. This state can last for 30-60 minutes and is quite uncomfortable!" this definition was from web md.
My experience started with a pounding headache that echoed like I was in a tunnel. My tempature shot up and I began to sweat, as when I looked at something to long I felt as if my eyes would cross,I was extremely dizzy and I began to shake. My stomach made awful noises as if it were the loche ness monster and hurt like someone had just sucker punched me in the gut. I could not think or do anything other than lay on the couch. It was agony and I did it to myself.
Two tablespoons of chicken salad, one hand full of baked chips, one piece of sugar free candy...aw what the heck...two snack size kit kats...later and I was feeling the effect.
Actually that was what I was trying to avoid was feeling, so I began to eat. I often feel as if I am not good enough; not a good enough wife, mother, employee, sister, friend, aunt..the list is endless. When I was over weight I could blame it on that, the weight. Now that I have shed this over layer of protective fat, I have nothing to place the blame on for my feelings of insignificence. Yet, these feelings of not being good enough are overwhelming. I strive to be the best I can in all things, but yet I continuelly fall short. And if it were not for the grace of God in my moments of weakness as a mother, Korbin would be in therapy for my mothering mistakes for the rest of his exsistence. Maybe this is God's reasoning for not blessing us with other children, because I am a failure to the one he did give us thus not deserving of any others. And even though my struggles of these feeling are not secrets, there are/is no shortage of people in our lives to show up and intentionally or unintentionally to tell me how unworthy I am either through thier actions or words. I always remember my momma telling me that actions speak louder than words, and now as an adult, I understand what she is saying.
Then, when my feelings are hurt or I feel as if I am being attacked I overreact and do/say something stupid. Thankfully, God has been really dealing with me in this area and these occassions are less and less. However, in the days to come I deal with emotions that attack my character as a person, wife and mother.
Today, instead of over reacting, I ate. I ate to replace the feelings I was having, I ate to make myself feeling better, I ate because I did not know what else to do.And I still do not know what to do and I still don't feeling better.

My current weight as of Saturday was 215. One hundred and sixty five pounds lighter than I was this time last year, and in one month, I will be celebrating the beginning of my journey- December 6th.
My body is regressed to this overwhelming tiredness state that I seem to be drug into every couple of months. As if my body is trying to catch up with it's current weightloss. Which I admit, has not been as much lately as I might have hoped.
I have slacked recently on my diet and exerise goals, and just got wrapped up in life as I know it. Now, I am jumping back on the ban wagon with both feet to attempt to get off this last 36 pounds. I had hoped to be at my goal weight by Dec. 6th, however, as quick as I had lost some of this weight I am certain I did not loose 36 pounds in one month!! If I get to 25 from goal(which is a loss of 7 pounds this month) I will be ok, but I'd really like to be at 23.
Which would leave me at 24 to loose in order to reach goal but January 29th, my one year surgery anniversary. I think these goals are reachable and attainable. If I get my butt back in gear!!!
The weather here was great today, so Korbin and I took a walk in the park this after noon. I think it was a half or 3/4's of a mile, not sure but I was nice to be outside enjoying the autumn air. Some exerise is better than none, right?!
I am trying to be happy with the success that I have had but all I can think about is getting to be under that 200 pound mark. In all honestly, I can remember the last time the scale read under that number with me standing on it. It was while I was in high school, and that was more 12 years ago!!
In closing, someone said to me the other day that my goal weight was still too much (179 lbs), I should be striving for 140 or under. I thought for a moment and said " 179 will be good for me, it's not 379! I won't be over weight nor will I be under weight, my weight will be just right for me" And I smiled.

Read my lips, NO MORE BUFFETS!!!

On Saturday, our family went to a buffet for dinner, we've been twice before in the recent months following my surgery. Each time in the days following, my stomach has been a knotted mess. Why I thought it would be any different this time, I am not sure.
When we arrived, the overwhelming smell of bbq hit me in the face, and warning bells went off. Yet, I continued to walk up to the counter with my hubby and son and pay our 11.00 per person for something I would later regret immensely!
As I searched the buffet for something that would not ruin everything I had worked so hard for, I realized that I was not going to find anything since Saturdays were bbq nite, that meant if it was not deep fried it was slathered in bbq sauce (which is loaded with brown sugar, a BIG no no).
Alas, I settled for a salad with some cheese and ranch dressing, and a slice of way to salty ham. I also had two bites of a roll with butter and one bite of reduced sugar apple pie, and my stomach was screaming!!!
My pouch, which can hold 1 1/2 cups of food comfortably, was gurgling and bubbling in protest of what I had just done. This was not the high protien, low carb good-for-you type meal my little stomach has become accustom to recieving. The food I choose I don't think was a bad choice, but I think that there is something that they cook the food in that does not agree with me. Or they are using the same utensils to cut the ham, that they do to remove the fried chicken thus transfering the grease that my sensitive system can not tolerate any more.
Regardless of why, it is just a fact that I can not eat at buffets anymore. The days following are miserable for me, my stomach still aches and it is Monday now. It is tender and sensitive and protesting anything that I put inside my body except for protien drinks.
Other thing that leaves my shaking my head is, I can not believe I spent $11.00 on a salad & a slice of ham!!! Since my surgery, our average bill for a dinner at a restraurant is $15-20, my meal usually cost the same amount as Korbin's; $4-6. Ahhh!! That was just a bad budget mistake, especially since our $32.00 dinner out cost me an additional $7.00 in antacids and antidiarehha medication at the pharmacy. So, for $41.00, I got crap, literally!!!
*Sigh* I should have listen when the warning bells in my head starting flashing and blinking to tell me that this was not a good idea. However, I did not listen and paid the price for it. I thought if I wrote down what happened, then the next time I was tempted to go to a buffet for dinner I would say thanks but no, the stakes are to high. Budgetwise and Physically.