Reflections of a Wife, Mom & Weightloss Surgery Patient!

What you do and don't do to manage your life does not only affect you. It affects everyone around you!- Author Elizabeth George

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Week # 8

Yesterday, was day 1 of week # 8 in my 2nd pregnancy. I began this pregnancy weighing 194 lbs and I now weigh 192 pounds. I have not been trying to loose weight, nor have I continued on my vigorous exercise routine. Actually quite the opposite, I have pretty much consumed anything I want just in moderate portion sizes. However, I have a great aversion to food in general. My husband made some great steak fajitas the other night, in which I had about 6 awesome tasting bites until my stomach started to churn indicating that if I did not stop eating soon, I would not like the results. Reluctantly, I put my generously filled tortilla pack on the plate. My hair is falling out again because of the low level of protein I am consuming, which I will be trying to up slowly in order to avoid nausea.
I am taking a prenatal vitamin, an iron supplement, vitamin C supplement and tums for extra calcium. I plan at asking at my next prenatal visit if the Dr. wants me to add a folic acid supplement to my regime. I do pretty good remember to taking the prenatal vitamin most days, the iron is hit or miss mainly based on the fact of constipation issues.
The baby updates I get said that the baby is now the size of a kidney bean, which is funny that something that small could reek that much havoc on a woman's body!!
My size 14 jeans are much too tight now, so I have reclaimed a pair of size 18's out of my closet that I just had not gotten around to getting rid of yet. They are put huge in the legs but are fitting well in the waist. I have one maternity shirt my sister gave me, and that is it for maternity clothes. I am praying Rod gets a job before I start to need more, but as it stands it will not be very long because you can already see my little baby bump pouching out there a little bit.
I did some reading because I thought for sure I was crazy, especially since I lost two pounds, but everything I could get my hands on says that it is common for you to "show" quicker with your second or third baby than you were with your first. And since I weighed 275-300 pounds when I was pregnant with Korbin, it was about at 6 months when you could finally tell that I was pregnant and not just over-weight.
Does it sound strange that I am looking forward to "looking" pregnant? Being MO ( morbidly obese) with my son, I missed some of the joy of just being pregnant. Now that I am at a healthy weight, I am looking forward to going into the Motherhood store and shopping in the cute section (where you can buy a Large), and not be shuffled to the back of the store where they have things in "my size". Now, I am just hoping that we have the money in order to have that experience!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Me & My BIG Mouth

So, I have basically been spotting on & off since a week after I found out that I was pregnant. The doctors have checked for fetal heart tones, and found one. Which leads them to believe that this bleeding in just old uterine blood left from my last c-section in 2004.
After taking 5 days off that I really could not afford, then another day because Korbin was running a 104 degree fever, I was working a total of 20 hours in two weeks, which by no means pays our rent or electric bill here at the end of the month.
And to make matter worse, my boss called last night and wanted me to cover another shift at another home, and after working since 7am (and it was almost 6pm), I was just exhausted. So, instead of telling her no, I was tired and my husband was fixing me a nice dinner at home, I told her about my doctors "suggested" restrictions in order not to work the other house.
On Thursday, Dr. F and I talked about what he would like to see me doing ( not running up and down stairs and lifting more than a galloon of milk) but also said that he understood that I was the only one working right now, so just to becareful. So, instead of getting the understanding boss I thought I would get, I got "well if that is the case, we are gonna have to pull your hours. It is not safe for you or the patient". And with that, both my husband and I are unemployed and face the very real prospect of loosing everything we have.
Which is why I slept less than 2 complete hours last night. After another phone call transpired, where my boss realized that I was hysterical, she did offer me a glimpse of hope... for 1/2 second. That if my doctor was will to release me with no lifting restrictions, then I would still have a job, and she would help me to make up the hours I missed. As kind as she may have meant the offer to be, it really offered me no solice because we both knew that there is no doctor in america that is going to give any pregnant women alive a blanket letter saying that she has no restrictions whats so ever because then it would make him available for a lawsuit later, if something should happen.Then, she said " Take this time to rest, you need it" WHAT????????????????? Are you kidding me??????????????? You just took away the only way my family and I were making it and you actually said to me get some rest. What I should actually be doing instead of typing this, is looking for another job, praying that someone would be willing to hire me(and not fire me when they found out I was pregnant).
There are over a million companies in america that make reasonable accomodations for pregnant women, and mine were simple: please put me at house A and house B for right now. And, I guess that if I would have kept my big mouth shut, I would not be looking for an underpass to live under at this particular moment.
My stress level is through the rough, and it has been for months. Instead of someone putting there arm around me and saying" Do you need a listening ear or a friend?", these well meaning people say "Oh, I can understand what your going through. I have been where you are!"
OH REALLY???? So, your husband has been laid off once a year for four years, your job has been dismissed like you were a bad cold, you've been pregnant without anyway to support yourself or the child you already have, you've never had a home to "loose" so when you get kicked out of an apartment you go to the streets, and with every single turn you can not figure out for the life of you what you have done so wrong???? Well congrats, then you have been in my shoes!!
So I sound angry?? Yes, I am!!! Do I sound scared? Terrified, actually!!! I have done all that I can do, I have worked 32 days straight, christmas, my birthday, new years, morning, noon and night and completely reeinginering my schedule on a moments notice to fill an extra shift- and all I needed in return was a paycheck to make sure my family had a roof over thier heads and food on the table. Now, I have no idea where those necessities are even going to come from!! Ironically, I am not angry with my boss. Although, I would have handled the situation differently, I can see her point of view ( note, I did not say I agree with it, but none the less) and I am thankful for the employment while it was available. The experience has truelly changed my life. I am more angry at myself for just not being good enough for anything or anyone. I thought with great weight loss, I would find my self worth, instead I found more self loathing. I have prayed, begged, hoped and dreamed of having another child for 3 1/2 years now and instead of now have a dream come true, I have a nightmare and this poor baby is going to suffer for my mistakes!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

They found a heart beat!!

Monday was an extremely emotional day for us. I woke up before the dr.'s office opened and showered, just encase they were able to see my right away. At 8:45 I called the ob's office and spoke to an uncaring women who said all she could do was let me speak to the nurse, when she had a moment to call me back, and give me an appointment a week from Thursday. A week from Thursday?? Did she miss the part where I said I was bleeding and had been since last Thursday???
So, I was back to square one which was extremely frustrating!! After I finished crying, I took the bull by the horns and called the dr.'s office back again, I was going to get some answers!! This time I spoke to someone, who actually listened to what I was saying and when I finished my story she put me on hold for what seemed like forever! However, when she came back she had better news: the ultrasound tech said that she was willing to squeeze me in and they would do my blood work.Then, I would see the dr. later this week. It was not completely what I was looking for, but it was better than the latter.
So,Rod and I dropped Korbin at my sisters and headed to the dr.'s office. Since this was a different doctor than I had orginally began seeing, I had to fill out new patient paperwork. We sat there for what seemed like forever, and finally when I thought my bladder would burst, they called us back.
The ultrasound tech was the most personable person I had seen in the medical community in days! She did the ultrasound on there on the screen was the tiniest flutter I had ever seen, but yes, it was a heart beat!! I thought my own heart would leap out of my chest, and tears stung my eyes!! I was so thankful to the Lord, I do serve a wonderful God!!!
They took some bloodwork, and told me that I was six weeks and three days pregnant and I would see the doctor on Thursday at 10:45am.
As I floated from the office to the car, I was in awe of the handiwork of God to create something so small and tiny that is a living breathing person that will grow to be this bundle of energy that runs around whose laughter is the merriment of my heart. I am so blessed to be a mommy and to get to be a mommy again to this little angel.
I am still praying that they bleeding will stop completely, however, it has slowed alot. And I return to work tomorrow, which is both exciting and scary at the same time.
Right now, we are just trying to take things one day at a time.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Uncertainty

I sit here on my couch, where I have been for 2 days now, afraid any moment I will have to use the bathroom again.
On January 31, Rod and I found out we were expecting our second child. We have waitted 3 years to get pregnant again, which came on the heals of my one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery on January 29th where I lost 185 pounds. Needless to say we were elated, as was our son.
Korbin has waitted for what seems like an eternity to a little kid to be a Big brother. I would have never thought being a brother is as important to him as it is. Since the moment he found out, he kisses my stomach and tell the baby inside that he loves his baby brother or baby sister.
That is just one of the reasons that my heart was shattered into a blue million pieces when I began to spot on Thursday afternoon.
I went to the restroom and simply could not believe my eyes as to what I was seeing on the toilette tissue!! I promptly called my OB and tried to wait as patiently as I could for his phone call. However, it and the trip to the ER later were completely useless and a waste of my time!! They told me nothing, other than my cervix is still closed, and this could or could not be a viable pregnancy. There is nothing that I nor they could do to determine or save this either way. I still feel numb, as I sit here and relive the events in my mind.
On friday, I went back to my OB and he checked me again and said all seems well but this could be a threatened Miscarriage. I hate that word!! This is more to me and my family than just a fetus or a miscarriage. This is our baby!!! If it dies, a part of me dies too!! More so what do I tell my precious little boy, who looks forward to this baby as much as my husband and I do?!?! Each night he goes to bed, he prays for this baby and for mommys belly to get really, really big. I just do not want to break his little heart too!!!
Yet, I live in hope that I am one of the 1 in 5 women who has a small tear in the uterus that will heal itself. Or the 30% or 75% of women who have bleed in thier first trimester. I keep praying that God will hear my prayers and answer them that this bleeding will stop and everything will indeed be alright. I am terrified to the quick of my soul that there is something wrong with my baby and there is nothing I can do about it!
All I can do is pray, and wait, and pray until I go back to the Dr. next friday. I have 5 1/2 more weeks until I will be at 12, then the statistics for miscarriage drops by half. I am praying that she can hang on until then. I am praying that we all can hang on until then!
Lord God in Heaven, that created all that we are and all the we see. I pray and ask you now Father to please touch this child inside of me. I love her, Lord. And I have loved her since the very moment I knew about her. I ask, Lord, that you please protect her and heal me from what ever is causing the random bleeding so that I may carry her to a full and healthy term. I have faith in you Lord, and I put all of my trust in you. I know that you can do a miracle in this situation based upon the sheer fact, that is it a miracle that I am pregnant to begin with. You are the Great Physician, God!! There is nothing to big or to small that is beyond your control!!Your word says that you will give me the desires of my heart, and as I pray believing, I trust in your word and in your sovernity as the Almighty. I surrender myself and the life of this child to you, Lord, and pray that it will end favorably but ask that thy will be done Lord.