We have a date!!!!

At 33 1/2 weeks we were given a date today for our repeat c-section: Tuesday, October 6th @ 8am. The moment was kind of surreal as I sat by while Denise; the ob/gyn nurse called the scheduling department at the hospital.

When I was pregnant with Korbin, the time in which he was to enter the world was completely out of our hands and we waited eagerly for my contractions to start or my water to break so we could head to the hospital. However, the time for our newest little blessing to enter the world is now a date on the calender. We wait, again, with eager anticipation although this time it feels alot different.As if we are waiting for Christmas to arrive, we will watch the calender days slip by, happily waiting for one of the two best presents we will ever receive.

Korbin's birth was filled with drama and anxiety, much like the pregnancy I had with him. This pregnancy, although dramatic at times, as been pretty text book and uneventful. Which is what I am praying his birth will be like, so even from the very moment of "Boomer's" arrival we can celebrate and bond together as a new family of four.

I am excited, nervous and overwhelmed! It seems as if we have been waiting for this forever, and now the days are rapidly approaching!! I stand in the door way of what will be "Boomer's" room and try to imagine me rocking him, or looking at him through the slot's in his crib. Yet, all I can see through my minds eye is those moment's that I experienced with Korbin.

For three long years, I prayed for this child and begged God to give us another child to share our lives with. Having Korbin was the scariest yet most amazing experience I had ever willingly participated in. I knew from the first single second I found out the he existed, that I loved him. That loved consumed my very being the moment I looked from his dark blue eyes after 72 hours of the worst pain I had ever felt to my husbands handsome face. For the second time in my life, I fell in love.

My love for this amazing gift began as I fell to my knee's on the bathroom floor as I looked into the toilet seeing it's red contense stare back at me knowing that the tests confirm that I was indeed almost 10 weeks pregnant. I prayed and cried and begged, again, God to spare his or her life. That I loved this child and wanted him or her unconditionally. God tested my resolve as I layed on the couch for weeks, painfully aware that there was nothing I could do other than to wait upon Him; the giver and taker of life.

As each day past, and with each visit I heard a heart beat or seen the tiny spine that God knitted together inside my womb on the video screen, I stopped holding my breath and started rejoicing. I was actually going to have another baby!!!!!!!!!!! My fear turned into joy, incredible joy, and my tears turned into laughter with the anticipation of giving my baby a baby brother or sister to grow up with. Although, I had convinced myself that "our" baby was a girl, I knew somewhere deep inside that we were having a boy and realized that as the ultrasound tech announced her proud findings. Then again, I knew I loved him.

Now, as his parents, Rod and I face great uncertainty of not know when Rod will have a job or how we will provide the very basic necessities so many other new or second time parents take for granted. It is very scary, and I find myself often facing my fear head on. Yet, I know somewhere deep inside that things will be ok, as I look around this room anticipating the love and amazement that I felt with Korbin re manifesting it's self within my soul telling me once again, I love this little person whom I have never met more than I could ever articulate.

We have a date to see who our new little miracle looks like, and what his personality will be, and to experience the joys of parenthood all over again! We have a date.... I can hardly wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Shower

Saturday, August 15th was our baby shower given by my sister, Rhonda and my friend Karen,and her mom Brenda. My Mamaw Collins, my friend Serena, mother in law and sister in law helped with the food. It was a beautiful shower and it was something I would have given myself. Gone are the thoughts. "Wow! I wish I had a beautiful shower like...." because now I have had one and I am sooo thankful!! Through my close friends and church family, God met alot of our needs for our new little blessing! I can cross off one item on my God here is my problems list.

As I sat down to write this article, I thought about cataloging all of the drama that surrounded having a second shower despite my boys are five years apart in age or that my husband has been off work for 9+ months now. Or how people selfishly hurt my fealings because they felt the need to make a point at a time in my life where I am already overwhelmed and stressed. However, when I thought about where to begin, I thought I would begin at the ending which is the most important part- God provided!

When I propped up my swollen ankles and grabbed my checklist of needs, I crossed off all that I had listed except for 6-8 things!!! For the second time that day, I wiped away the tears that fell from my face and thanked the Lord for His goodness for using the people that DID show up and DID support me.

I wish I could tell you that the hurt I felt from the others just magically disappeared, however, it did not. But what did happen was that I was filled with an amazing pity for such selfish people! I was overwhelmed by God's grace and love for even them, and if He could forgive more than what I knew about them how could I not? Have I forgotten? No! The devil see's it fit to remind me daily and I must make a decision daily to forgive them yet again. Through this forgiveness, I am shown God's grace over and over again!!!!

It was an amazing shower, I missed several of my friends that could not be there to celebrate with me because of a multitude of honest reasons. Yet, I rejoiced with each person who walked through the door and filled my day with love and support in a time I truly needed them most.

As I look through the items, I give thanks for each thing and say a silent prayer for each giver and pray that the Lord will bless them double for those who gave sincerely from their heart. I now have bottles, diapers and many other necessities that I was fearful that I would not have for this little miracle that I had for Korbin.

I now look to his birth with more anticipation instead of fear, that he will not pay a price for what our circumstances are at this time. No, the timing of his arrival is not perfect and no child's is. No one ever is completely ready or has enough money or enough space or has checked off this or that from their bucket list. However, Rod, Korbin and myself are thankful everyday for "our" baby and can not wait for this little guy to turn our whole world on it's ear as any baby inevitably does. 7 weeks to go and I can not wait...

Problem here is my God!!!

A friends facebook status struck me in a unique way, " Instead of saying 'God here is my problem' say "Problem here is my God'!".
So as I sat down to do my devotion, I found my self making a list of my current problems:
1.) Rod needs a job that is close to home with good pay and good benefits so that I can stay home with the kids and finish my degree.
2.) The money to pay our current bills ie, the car payment, the DTE bill, the cable bill and the rent.
3.) The money to buy Korbin clothes and shoes to start school in and necessary school supplies
4.) The money to purchase the necessities for the baby along with diapers and formula(if necessary).
Of course, as I look over this short list, I realize that this is not all of my current problems but these are the most pressing ones and top on the priority list.
Rod & I have praying over these problems for the last 8 months since he has been laid off from work. As I look as the list again, I realize that these problems are nothing new to God, we have talked with Him about these before. However, the urgency we have now is different than it was say 3 months ago.
Our baby is due in 10 short weeks, and there are things that we desperately need for him, that we simply can not afford on the money unemployment is providing. We are thankful for the unemployment, however, we are already working on a deficient that reviles the national debt much less purchasing bottles, a highchair, bedding, etc, etc.
As well as Korbin is starting school in 5 weeks. We were blessed that that last I purchased clothes that were a little big on Korb, so that this summer they would fit. So, we did not have to buy any clothes to outfit him for the summer, however, this fall we do not have the same option. His shoes are to small, his underware are getting too tight and his white undershirts look like something guys would have worn in the "Let's get Physical" music video in the 1980's.And the list of clothing and school supply list seems overwhelming. Yet, when I think of all of this all I can do is choke back the tears and emotions as I relive the years and years of hearing my mom say that my list of needs would have to wait because we simply did not have the money. A phrase I was praying not to have to use abundantly with my kids. Plus, I had a grand vision of the first time Korbin had to go school shopping the three of us would make a day of it and create a fun memory of getting our first child ready to go to school.
My stomach tightens as I fight off the physical manifestation of the stress, I glance back at the list. Faith and trust are easy when you are in mountain top scenario's when life is going great but it is a daily battle when your in the battle of your life. It is moments like these I wonder if God views my faith as weak or strong? As of late, I feal very weak; physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I simply can not fight this fight alone! Silently, I say to myself "Problem here is MY God, and Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"
I am not sure when our answers are coming, and some days I am not sure if the answers are coming at all, but I know that God has a plan. There have been times that I can look back over this journey as see exactly what His plan was, but these days I am looking though mud covered glasses and need clarity.
Some how in some way, I know that things are going to work out. They have too!! In God's word is says that He has come to give us life, and Give it more abundantly... it is a promise that I hold on to tightly. That is trial will not last forever no matter how long it seems, again I say to myself "Problem here is my God" and do my best to turn the entire problem over to Him. Even though I recognize that my attempts are weak and feeble at best.
Then, as if I am in a movie where the ending is always happy, a song fills my soul and I can not help but hum along " I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus, I can not handle these burdens alone. I must Jesus, I must Jesus, Jesus can help me. Jesus alone." I wipe the tears off the page of my bible, and thank the Lord for His abundant grace and mercy: Problem HERE is MY God!

29 weeks

It is hard to believe that I only have 11 weeks left!!!!!! In the beginning, it seemed as if it took forever to get to the twelve week mark. Then after that, it seemed to have taken off and the weeks have flown by.
On Friday, I went for my monthly visit with Dr. F and had my glucose intolerance test. I was super worried about this test, both the results and the side effects from drinking 50mg of pure sugar.
As for the side effects, there were plenty, complete with dizziness and nausea. After an hour and a half visit I still felt as if I had been on a drinking benge, which the dr. said he had never heard of getting that type of response before!
I gained four pounds this visit for a total of twelve and my measurements were spot on this time instead of small. The baby's heart rate was 140's and my bp was 100 over 60.
This was my last "normal" visit and starting in two weeks, I begin twice a week visits for NST's (non stress tests). I could choose between Monday's and Thursday's or Tuesday's and Friday's. I choose the first rotation, and will have those dates for the rest of the pregnancy. Immediantly after the NST's, I will see the Dr.
Rod, Dr. F and myself chatted for a few minutes how normal this pregnancy has been in comparison to my last. It is amazing how much 200 pounds has made in my( and this baby's) life.
Stephanie from Dr. F's office called this afternoon to give me the results from Friday's test's: the blood test needed to come back 140 or under, and mine registered at 110!!! I told the lady, that if I wasn't pregnant I would do cartwheels I was so excited!!! That means no inslin!!! My hemoglobid was a bit low, so I need to make sure I am eatting iron rich foods and taking my iron supplement.
At this gestation, the baby should weigh 2 1/2 pounds and be 15 inches long. His muscles and lungs are continueing to mature and his head is getting bigger to make room for his growing brain. I have been completely exhausted, which I had contributed to the move, however it is because the baby is using up any of the iron my body needs to function. In addition to my prenatal, I need to maintain my protien levels, vitamen C,calcuim, folic acid and iron.
Over the course of the next month, I should plan to gain five to seven pounds which would bring my total weight gain to 17-19 and then five to seven more over the rest of the pregnancy which bring my total pregancy weight gain for 23-25, which is what Dr. F was hoping for. Me? I think I would be ok with a 18-20 toal weight gain, but whatever yields us a healthy baby. It is unique being in the position of not being able to see my toes again, but alas, being pregnant is not forever and neither will this weight gain. I have the tools and the knowledge now that I did not before and I will never see 300 lbs again!!!!!!!!

Gifts from Heaven?!

Rod & I sat in our apartment where we have lived for 2 1/2 years contemplating the next leg of our adventure. We have been praying freverntly for God's wisdom and provision for a new job as well as a new place to live before our lease is up here.
At 12:30 or so, there was a knock on the door with the door knocker and a folded up piece of paper placed on the door. It is never good news when the apartment complex chooses to communicate in this manor, but never the less, it was official start to the day.
In the next moments to follow, as we attempt to discuss our new information, there comes a large crash from the outside!! Korbin runs to the window and throws open the blinds and says"There are boxes all over the front lawn". I opened the door & looked to see if I could find out who or for what reason they left these boxes in front of our door. As I returned inside, I joked with Rod and said "Look Honey, it is a sign from God that we are suppose to move becuase there were boxed raining down from Heaven." It was a funny statement but very true.
Over the course of the next hour or so, we began to pack the kitchen as the tension began to mount. It was clear that we were to move but the question of where was causing mounting pressure in the small 8x8 kitchen.When the phone rang, I prayed for good news, sadly it was not. The 3 bedroom apartment we had taken a look at last week was calling to tell us that they had availablity but the security deposit was been twice the the monthly rent!!
As I got off the phone, I haphazardly said "Ok Lord, we know that we are suppose to move but can you show us where?" as I discouragedly began to stack the packed boxes. Within a half hour of the door closing phone call another phone call came in, with a surprising answer to our prayer.
A phone call we had placed more than a month ago, was finally being returned, with the availablity of a 3 bedroom house to rent!!!
Laughter gave a way to happy tears, as Rod and I prayed thanking our Lord for perfect timing and answered prayer on the day that the boxes rained down from heaven!!

The American Dream

It seems as if the america dream when I got out of high school was simple: Go to college and graduate, get a job, meet an amazing man, get married and travel for a couple of years, buy a house, have a couple of kids and live happily ever after.
No where in there was my mom dying and reeking havoc on my entire adult life. Gaining 150+pounds, having diabetes, and my husband being laid off 3 times in our married lives of six years.
Now it seems my entire "american dream" as I knew it has been turned on its head, with the exception meeting and marrying an amazing man. With whom I have weathered these storms of truimph and tragedy with.
I thought as a child/teenager if I could just manage the catosphy that was my life, then I could make my own decisions thus being happier. Yet, as life would have it just as I became comfortable in my own skin on the campus of EMU at 21 that same life would be turned upside down with a single 2am phone call. As mothers day ended and my nightmare began in 1999, I sobbed on the phone to my best friend that my mom has had a heartattack and 'passed on' as the result.Two days later, at her funeral luncheon, this is not the way I thought my adult life should began.
One year later, I left EMU because I could not handle the stress of working full time, dealing my own emotions of mom's death and my family's issues, along with going to school. I got my first apartment close to my sister, and together we grieved the loss of our mother. In the two years following, I met the man who would be my husband and together I thought I would finally have some sort of normallacy in this life.
We were engaged after 6 months, and planned to be married that next August. Our orginal plans to have an intimate wedding in Hawii were dashed and instead we had a large family wedding complete with an even larger family headache close to our hometowns. This should have been our clue to not come back from our amazing honeymoon, yet with stars in our eyes and a 'our love an conquer anything' attitude we settled down in our one bedroom apartment and focused on what we thought was our american dream.
Over the next days and months we would experience a gamit of highs and lows from job issues to life threatening health problems. Which leaves me asking the question now: What is the American Dream anyways??

Packing! Packing! Packing!

The packing has officially began, and I am so over it already!! Granted, it has been 2 1/2 years since we first moved into this apartment, I am still not looking forward to boxing up all of our things and moving them to another place.

When we signed our lease in Febraury, they exented us a 6 month lease before raising our rent to unmanagable amounts for a 2 bed room unit. As a result, we knew that in July we would be moving. Now July is before us and so is the daunting question of where are we moving?

It stands to reason that most people know where they are going prior to planning to go. However, we are trusting in the Lord that He will provide our needs. Which totally goes against my grain of planning everything to death, but none the less I am putting my faith into action and believing in God's promises.

I will not tell you how hard this is, but Gods word also says " Let patience have her perfect work" which means that through this trial God is working out His plan to exerise patience in our lives. Patience has not always been my strong suit, however, in the last days and months Rod and I have learned a great deal about ourselves and our marriage. Which is why God's word also says in James 1:2 " Count is all Joy when you fall into various trails" because these are things we may not have learned any other way. Both Rod & I are extremely thankful for the things God has shown us; however painful they may have been and how He has strengethen our marriage through these things. Rod truly is the love of my love and I love him more daily, job or not.

So, as I enter day# 3 of packing, I am physically and emotionally exhausted, but ironically optimistic. I know God has our answer, and we are looking forward to how He is going to supply our needs that we may rejoice and give Him all of the praise for what He has done in our lives!!

I need....

Taco Dip!!!! I had it when I was helping a friend out and ever since then I go into craving overload and MUST have some!!! My first craving was so intense I literally called everyone I knew to find out who had a membership to Sam's Club where I could find this premade 5 layer dip that my taste buds were shouting for!!!

When I was pregnant with Korbin, I never had such an intense craving like this. I had a few things that I needed to have, but nothing that I NEEDED to have!

As far as my weighloss surgery diet, this is not the worse thing I could choose. The beans, cheese and light sour cream make it a decent sourse of protien. The fat grams are through the roof, but the chips which are required to eat such a dip are the down fall of the entire dish! I try to get the whole grain tortilla chips, which my budget and availablity allow. However, these days my enitre bypass diet is gone to the dogs!!

When Dr. F said to do what ever it took to gain weight, I was completely astonished and very determined to have a healthy baby. Just as looked at my meal times differantly after I had my weightloss surgery(wls), I looked at it differantly when I got pregnant. As each child is different, so it each pregnancy, I did not anticipate the severe sickness that over took my body in the first four months.

I have spent some time recently trying to figure out how to bounce back from this anything goes diet back to my strict, high protien diet that I need to be on to maintain my weightloss. To date, I have only gained 8 lbs, and look to gain gain 12 more. Which to my estimation, should be mostly baby, water and placenta. However, prior to being pregnant I was 197 which was 18 pounds away from my goal weight of 179 (which is 200lbs away from my highest weight).

Alas, I have 3 months away from delivery and 6-8 weeks after that to figure out exactly when/how I tackle the regain/loss that I need to work on. I had this surgery in order to be healthy for my family and I will make sure that I look up on this next leg of the race just as that- how to stay healthy.As for the taco dip? Praise the Lord, this pregnancy has been pretty typical and that is why I say " Give the Belly what is wants!"

25 weeks and counting

At this gestation, the baby should measure 13 1/2 inches and weigh a pound and a half. Which is about the size of an average rutabaga( which Korbin looked at and said "whew, that thing has alot of hair on it", lol).

At 24 weeks, I had my monthly dr's appointment which ended my 2nd trimester and began my 3rd. I gained 8 pounds, and measure a week smaller than I actaully am. I BP is good, is hanging steady at 100/60 and the baby's heart rate is 150 beats per minute.

Dr. F was happy with my weight gain, although I was completely shocked with gaining that much in the course of one month!!

At my next appointment in July, I will be having my glucose intolerance test which is the mosting discusting thing that you have to drink in a matter of minutes, only for a wls patient to get sick and "dump" on because you chugged a pure liquid sugar cane. What fun?! So, my appointment is estimated to last an hour and half to two hours, which is why I am praying that my dad will be home to help out with Korbin!

Today, Korbin and I went swimming for the first time this summer. The 97 degree tempatures here in Detriot, brought a unique way to keep cool and keep Korbbie busy so with noodle in hand we headed to the pool. My little fish enjoyed himself immensley, as I tried my hand at swimming with a rutabaga under my ribs. As the water relieved some of my back pain, my balance was completely off and I found my face in the water more often than not.

Rod is still unemployed and I am still a stay at home mommy and wife of one and a half! These past days and weeks, through there trail and tribulation, have brought my wonderful husband and I closer together in ways many may not understand. God is amazing, and He has showed us so much about who we are and decisions we need to make in our lives to be close to Him and bond together as a family.

As hard as it may be to say, we are completely thankful for this trail and its high's and low's and how we are able to glorify Him through it all. Through all of our questioning " Where are you Lord" He is has been here all along as in the very beginning of this leg of our journey He gave us a baby as a sign to us, just as He gave Noah a rainbow, that things will be ok. Although I am not sure how or when yet, we trust in Him and Him alone, to provide our needs. God is Good!!!

Music and Misunderstanding

Last week ( at 22 weeks) I began putting headphones on my tummy to let the baby listen a beethoven classical baby CD. Korbin loved this CD prior to being born, so it was naturaul for me to want to do it for this baby as well. It was an event to try and find head phones in this high- tech enviroment, so I began to focus on the task of finding these crazy headphones! Which to my surprise effected Korbin very dramtically.

One night during our family prayer time, Rod asked Korb what he wanted to pray for and his response broke my heart!! " I want to pray that mommy will love as much as she loves the baby!" I was devestated to hear that my little love would even consider the thought that I might not love him as much as our new little miracle. This was the beginning for tears that lasted for two long days as I tried to work through the confusion of how to explain to him that he is not going to be replaced in our family but I could share my love for him with another.

It never occured to me that I could not have enough love for two children. I yearned for this baby for so long, that I loved him the moment I knew he existed, just I did with Korbin. I have heard many say, that your love for your second or subsiquent children is different than the love you have for your first child. However, as much as I love Korbin, I love his brother as much but in a different fashion. Korbin was my first and I grew as a mommy as he grew from an infant into a toddler into this little boy right before my very eyes. This child, I have just as many hopes, dreams, and plans for as my first. However, I am a little older and a little wiser and more steady on my mommy legs than before. I am looking forward to my life with two little boys, and enjoying all those firsts with this little guy too.

As for Korbin, he is an amazing child with a keen sense of understanding and a sensitivity that boogles the mind for being a four year old. And over the following days, Rod and I have reasssured him that he is going to be an amazing big brother and no one will ever take his place in our home or lives, he will always be mommy's little angle bear. He smiles when I say this, and I smile to because I love being a mommy and I know that he is going to love being a big brother too!

21 weeks

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted and there is alot to catch up on. In week # 19, on May 13th we went over to the hospital to have our ultrasound done. We were originally scheduled at the dr.'s office to have the ultrasound done on Monday, May 11th but they asked us to reschedule at the hospital because they have a higher grade machine. So we agreed and went home, slightly frustrated. Korbin was hugely disappointed, " Great, just great! Now what am I suppose to do with the rest of my day!!" was his response which lighted our mood abit. Leave it too our little comedian!!

At 8am, we headed to the hospital and had a 45 minute ultrasound which yielded us 20 or so pictures of the baby, and the announcement that we are having another little boy!!! Korbin was excited with this too, " Now we will have all menz in our house" he proudly told the ultrasound tech.We made our phone calls to our close family and friends, then headed to our local babies r us to finish our baby registry for the 50 or so things that we need for our little guy.

In week # 20, we had our regular monthly dr.'s appointment. Everything is going along well, with the exception that I have lost 2 pounds. This upsetted Rod greatly. As proud as he is of me for loosing almost 200 lbs, he is secretly looking forward to "feeding" me with things that I will not typically eat. With it being the dr's orders to do what I need to do to gain weight, Rod is doing is best to oblige this situation.

Dr. F addressed Rod's concerns openly and told us that the ultrasound said that the baby looked good, maybe a week behind in the dating but we already knew that because of an earlier ultrasound that said our date was a week earlier but since it was only a week the Dr. would not be changing our due date for anything less than 2 weeks. Also, he was only worried about the size of the baby not the size of the baby's mama, which I think eased Rod's worries alittle bit. My Bp was good 110/60 and the baby's heart rate is 140's. My blood work all came back good last time, he is not really two concerned with anything at this point. He just wants me to keep an eye on my blood sugar, which has been running a steady 98-100 for my fasting.

We also discussed a prospective c-section date. Either Wednesday Sept 30th or my due date, Wednesday Oct 7th. Rod of course is leaning towards the earlier and I am leaning towards the later. This is typical for us, lol.

Yesterday, we turned 21 weeks and our little guy has become very active as of late. Rod could actually stand across the room and see my stomach move. It was even more exciting for him, when he could put his hand on my stomach and feel the movement inside. It was something he very rarely, if at all, he got to feel with Korbin. At this point the baby should be the length of a carrot, and 3/4th of a pound. I have started to notice a pattern of his movement, and enjoy being connected with this wonder little being for these short few months.

Within the next week or so, I will be putting head phones on my stomach so he can listen to music in the evenings. I did this with Korbin and he loved it, so I am interested to see if this little guy loves it as much.

Our next dr. appointment is June 18 @ 24 weeks. Time is flying by to quickly. Korbin is enjoying know that he is gonna have a little brother and asks alot when we can get the baby out? Rod is equally excited to know now he is gonna be the father of two little boys, which mean twice as much sports! As for me, I am kinda relishing in the fact that I am still the queen of my castle to share only with my king and two little princes. I would love to have a princess to shop with, share secrets with and all of those other mother/daughter moments.

But if the Lord chooses to bless us with only sons, I will be just as happy as I assit my amazing husband raising our sons for the Lord and as I pray for their wives-to-be, I will pray that the Lord will help me to have good relationships with each of them and maybe I can share those moments with them instead?!

4 months

Today was my 16 week check up with my ob/gyn, and it was the l o n g e s t dr.'s appointment I have ever had. Dr. F was called into the hospital last night at midnight and delivered 4 babies between that time and the time he arrived at the office today around 12:30pm!! So my 10:20 appointment ended up being a 1 o'clock appointment. Oh well?! Whatcha gonna do? When I have mine, it would be grand if the dr. was present so I guess I do not mind so much if he there for others. Which is what I was thinking hearing lady after lady grumble about the dr's delay.
However, once he got to the office he got down to business! I was in the room at 1 and out by 1:30!! My weight was good as I gained 4 pounds, and I now weigh 198.
It is really hard for me to see the scale creep back up, instead of stay steady or going down. It brings alot of feeling up that I would rather not deal with. However, I am willing to do what is necessary for the health of this baby so, I guess I need to realize that I will not be pregnant forever. My blood pressure was good 110/60 which is right on because during this phase the baby's heart is pumping 25 grams of blood through his or her little body a day, which causes mom's bp to be a little lower than normal.
The nurse found the baby's heart rate right away and it was off to the races with a face paced little chug that was clocked at 150 beats per minute. The dr. said everything looked fine,and asked me to bring my fasting and night time bloodsugars in for the next visit at the end of May. I had some blood work taken today, and Korbin was not really happy about it.He was very afraid for me and kept asking if I was hurt or ok. Then when the tech was done, he ran over and gave me a huge hug! It melted my heart to see how much he cares for me. Korbin has a very caring spirit!
The baby weighs about 3 1/2 ounces and measures about 4 1/2 inches in length, about the size of an avocado. During the next weeks, he or she will go through a growth spurt nearly doubling her or her weight. At 18 weeks, I have an ultrasound scheduled to find out the sex of the baby. Rod & I are super excited to find out, and Korbin is over the top. He simply can not wait to know if he is having a boy baby or a girl baby. Because " that says if it gets a pink or a blue baseball hat". Everything equates to baseball when you are 4, lol.
Last week, I started feeling the baby move. It is random at best but it is a great feeling and I enjoy everytime it happens. I can not wait for Rod and Korbin to be able to feel the baby move too. This is such a special time for us, and I am trying to relish every moment!! It is going by way to quick!!

My Rant!

This week-end was beautiful- 60ish on Friday and 73 on Saturday. So, we packed a few sandwiches and headed to the park ( with the rest of the city, apparently!). It was fun eating outside and I loved the fresh air, while it lasted.
After eating, Korbin took off running toward the play scape and began running, climbing and sliding until his little heart was content. Rod and I took our blanket to sit just at the edge of the play scape to watch Korbin while he played. It was a good time, until the air became clouded with the stale smell of smoke that took my breath away. I was content to wait out the horrid smell and it's owner, with out much complaining. I gave this gentlemen the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe he was an uncle of family friend that did not realize the impact he was having on the fifty something children there with his second hand smoke since he did not have kids himself. However, over the course of thirty minutes where he stood chain smoking by a tree throwing his remains on the same ground I was sitting on, I realized the three different little ones were calling this man Daddy!!
As a child, I had parent that was a three plus pack a day smoker. I know the effects of second hand smoke, and how it makes you feel and smell. My mom began smoking as a young teenager and smoked until the day she died at 43. As a result, I vowed to myself never, ever to begin smoking and it was one of the few promised I kept to myself.
Now as a parent, I am completely irritated at other parents who knowingly put their children's health in danger all because the can not walk away from the addiction. Today, we know more than we did 30+ years ago when my mom had kids, so there is the chance that my mom did not know the effects that we was leaving her children. Since my mom is not here to ask, I choose to believe that if she had, she would not have continued to smoke. Which is the question I have for this particular father, do you not love your kids enough to put down the smokes and walk away? What have they done to deserve be subjected to this day knowing danger each and everyday? More so, where do you get the money to support such an expensive habit?
I remember being 10 or 11 years old and writing my mom a letter asking her to please quit smoking. If she did, we could afford so many other things. Things that my friends were taking for granted: new clothes, money for groceries, or family vacations. But this particular letter was because I desperately wanted a new bedspread, one that did not have burn marks in it and smelled good. I did the math for my mom, how much she spent in a week, a month, and a year. Even then, I remember the number being astounding. I simply can not imagine what it would be today. As much as I remember writing the letter, I remember my mom's response. She cried. She told me the her cigarettes were the only thing that she got out of life and she would continue to smoke for as long as she wanted to and it was not up to me or anyone else to tell her to quit.
The reason I remember the scene so vividly is because I remember exactly how it made me feel; inadequate. That I was second best to an object, as a result I began a deep seeded hate for smoking and spoke of it often.
Through that particular moment that will live in my memory for ever, I realized one thing: She was right. It is not up to me or anyone else to tell anyone to quit smoking. The pure definition of parent is sacrifice, and nothing about sacrifice is easy or simple. As any adult person does what it required for one to become a parent, they are here by waiving their right to selfishness in the moment they conceive a child. Which also means putting aside what you want for the sake of your child's health and well being. Period.
And as I sat at the park, I remember thinking that is it not up to me or anyone else to tell another grown adult to quit smoking. They should just have the pure common sense to do so- if it was the drunk driver behind the wheel of a car coming straight for your child, you would call for justice. As a parent, I am seeking for a way to avoid the train wreck that smokers bring to our play grounds, restaurants and lives: if you are not willing to save your own child(ren) at least have the common sense to leave the cigarettes at home and not infect my child with your stupidity.

Sweet Treat

Since my son has a peanut allergy, we usually try to make something fun for him to take to church that we know for certain does not have any peanuts/ cross contanimation. Last year we made some bunny cookies, and this year we decided to make Rice Krispie Eggs! These we easy to make and clean up. You follow the basic Rice Krispie recipe:

3 Tablespoons Butter

1 Pkg(10 oz) regular marsh mellows or 4 cups of mini's

6 cups Rice Krispies

And these directions:

In a large sauce pan melt butter over low hear and stir in marsh mellows stirring until completely melted.

Remove from heat, and still in Rice Krispies until well coated. Using a 1/3 measuring cup coated with cooking spray divide into portions and shape like eggs with well buttered hands.

Cool and decorate with candies and chocolate

Enjoy your sweet treats! Happy Easter!!

14 weeks and counting

Last week, I finally had a good eatting week but this week that is not proving to be the case!! By my next ob appointment(which is in 2 weeks), I should have gained 4 pounds but as of right now I toggle back and forth between a one pound(195) gain and nothing(194). This boggles my mind, since I have put the weight gaining business at the very front of my to-do list.
Upon doing some very serious research on how to gain weight for pregnancy, I have discovered one way dr.'s and nutritionist across america are suggesting is a milk shake!! After reading this for the fourth time on the sixth different website, I thought to myself I can do this!! However, I think I skipped the paragraph explaining the the fast food place are missing alot of the calcuim and extra protien that comes from what a homemade shake that can offer pregnant women. So after a severe bout of dumping from an overly sweet milkshake from our local golden arches, I decided to take matters into my own hands-literally!
Rod's next trip out, was to the super market for some vanilla ice cream, skim milk and strawberries. 4 oz's of ice cream, 4 oz's more or less skim milk and 3 large strawberries,and 30 seconds in the blender I had a wonderful shake that gave me extra calcuim, protien and vitamin C that I thought for sure would yeild me a few extra pounds.
Let me stop here, and say that I have spent the last 20 years of my life ( yes! for those of you who did the math 10 was the correct age) I have been dietting and trying to loose weight. Now, suddenly instead of spending every waking minute worried about how I am gonna loose X number of pounds, now I am trying to gain it?! It really does something to your mental image, and gives you a dissorted view of what/who you are. It is a day to day struggle, to eat more and not count the calories and protein grams that I have spent the last year tracking in order to be a success with my wls.
One of the many reasons I had wls surgery to begin with was to have a second or third child. So, now that I am in the middle of this pregnancy, I am willing to do what it takes to see it through and have a healthy baby.
At 14 weeks, the baby is 3 1/2 inches long and weighs 1 1/2 oz's which is about the size of a lemon. All his or her major organs have developed and at this point, he or she is moving alot and I may or may not be able to feel it any time soon. My belly has started to take on a rounder shape, and it is getting harder to do some of the things that I had learned to take for granted after they become normal again. In alot of ways, I feel alot like I am an MO person again, that is sometimes a hard feeling to deal with.
I am still extremely tired, but I am content to deal with these side effects for the out come. I can not wait to meet our new little boy or girl.
I was actually at an office this week and they asked my household side and I said 3, and the lady looked back at the screen confused. Then she asked again, and I gave her the same answer, finally she asked "Um... are you counting the baby that your carrying?".
That was just another moment that I realized that our life is changing and I am finally gonna actually have another baby, not just dream of it!!

12 week check up

Went to see Dr. F this morning at 10 am, I like his office. They are relatively prompt, and we were in and out by 11:15am.
My BP was good, 100 over 70, as well as my weight. I did not gain any weight my first trimester and by week 20( which is 8 weeks away) I should have gain 5-8 pounds.
He thinks that the reason for my extremely exhaustion is because of lack of food in tack, not low iron or B-12, my labs were fine in Feb. and he will redraw them next month and do a fasting glucose test. He wants to stay on top of my Blood Sugar numbers from the get go because I was gestational with Korbin which makes me more susceptible to going back on insulin with this pregnancy too.
The baby's heart rate was 150, and the nurse said that anywhere from 130-160 was good. I looked in my pregnancy journal for Korbin and his heart rate was mainly in the 140's. Girl??? We will see. My next appointment is at the end of April, and then I will make an OB Ultrasound appt for two weeks after that, and then we can find out the sex of the baby.
Dr. F also said that I did not need an extra folic acid supplement at this point, because the forming of the spinal column which is what folic acid helps was already formed by 10 weeks. Plus most prenatal's have 1 mg of folic acid in them, and since I am malabsorptive, I may only be getting half which would be .5mg and as along as I am getting .4mg's the baby should be fine. So since I am taking an extra prenatal every other day, I should be ok!!
The morning ( or all day) sickness should pass within the next week or 2, if it is going too. If it doesn't then I may just be one of the lucky ones that are sick thier entire pregnancy?! Lucky??? Yeah right!!
It was a nice visit, I loved hearing the heart beat! So did Korbin. For most of the day, he has walked around making the washing machine noise " like the baby's heart". He did not like, however, the dr. or the nurse pressing around on my stomach. He was bothered that they might be hurting me or the baby, plus he is really protective over me and wanted to know why they were touching HIS mommy.
I felt some sort of relief after hearing the baby's heart beat, that he or she is ok in there. And now it is another month of waitting. With Korbin, I started off going to the dr. twice a month, so this once a month appointment is kinda strange to me. Yet, I am kinda liking the normality of it all. This is just another positive reward of having gastric bypass for me!!!!

Business Opportunity

My huband has been off work for nearly four months now, and to say it has been a rocky road is a sincere understatement!!! However, through God's help, strength and guidence we have learned alot about ourselves as individuals. As well as parents and marriage partners.
Last week was a heart breaking one, as we seen a sincere business oppportunity literally slip through our fingers. This nightmare of a journey we have been on was so close to being over we could taste it. Yet, it was not what the Lord had instore of us, and was gone before we even had it. It was a very angry, frustrating week end but when our new week began on Sunday our spirits abounded thanks to what the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts and we began to look upward. Literally.
Today, Rod had a couple of promising phone calls that may pan into something more. As we are looking to our Savior and Creator for wisdom and direction, we are taking a step back and allowing God to control this horrorfic situation we have attempted to control ourselves.
I do not know when this nightmare will be over, I pray it is soon. The toll stress is taking on us is making us weary to continue to run this race we have been called to complete. Phillippians 4:13 says " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". As a runner in this race, I wear this on my chest and back as an identifier of who I am; nobody.
I am no one in and of myself, but through Christ Alone, I can do what ever He wills of me. How strange it is that I have read or heard this scripture so many, many times and now in the middle of lifes catostrophe I finally hear and understand it's meaning.
Lord, through this madness, you are still so, so , so good to us. I look forward to seeing in what amazing fashion you are going to answer our prayers!!

Week # 11

Sorry I have not updated you with what is going on with the baby and the pregnancy recently, I have just been an emotional ball of mush recently, and every time I have tried to blog I cry all over the key board!!
Things are going well, as far as we know anyway. We go this Thursday morning to see Dr. F for our twelve week visit. He said we would listen for the heartbeat, and do an ultrasound to see that the baby is growing sufficiently. There is a possibility, ever so slightly, that we could find out the sex of the baby during this ultrasound. However, we will most likely find out next month.
My little baby belly is starting to stick out a little, and my size 18 reclaimed jeans are getting to tight around the middle and when I wear them, I have to do so unbuttoned.
As far as maternity wear, I have 3 long sleeve shirts that I am alternating between. Thanks to the clearance rack at Target and the resale shops, we have spent less than 20.00 on all three. I am trying not to buy alot of clothing right now, mainly because we can not afford for me to do so, but I will spend the bulk of my pregnancy during the summer months so I will need more short sleeve shirts than long. I have a single pair of maternity Capri's that I wear most everyday regardless of the weather since they are the only thing that fit. Thanks to my mother-in-law, that is going to change soon since she so kindly bought me a pair of maternity jeans during a shopping trip this past week.
My weight is a steady 193, for the moment. I originally lost 8 pounds due to morning sickness in the beginning. The scale has since rebounded, and has stayed steady for the last week or so which thrills my husband to death. I really would not like to rise above 194 until my first trimester officially ends next week, which would leave to to gain nothing my first trimester. Then it is the doctors goal for me to gain 1/2 a pound a week during the course of the rest of the pregnancy. As for vitamins, I am alternating taking a second vitamin every other day in addition to the one I take daily. I will be asking about a folic acid supplement, and for the doctor to do more blood work because I am unusually exhausted even for being pregnant and I think my B-12 or my iron is outta whack.
Rod and I have finalized our pick of baby names, but as to our tradition, we will not be telling anyone the name until the baby arrives. Rod enjoyed being able to introduce our son for the first time to our friends and family by his name. So, per my husbands request, we will be keeping this child's name quiet too. But rest assured, as soon as we know we will tell everyone the sex of the baby- we could not keep that a secret too!!
Korbin could care less what the baby's name is, as long as it is a girl. That is his only request!! We have not told him our picks, although he is a good secret keeper, a 4 year-old could only take so much and we did not want to put his in that position to ignore all the temptation from our families to get him to tell them the baby's name.
I am looking forward to the end of the first trimester and the increased energy that usually comes in the second. I am also hoping I leave the morning sickness in the first trimester, and move on to greener eatting pastures :)

Korbin is going to be a Kindergartener!!

I can remember the moment I found out I was going to be a mommy. It was one of the single most life changing moments, I have ever had. With a ringing of the telephone I became solely responsible for another life.
I remember the first time we seen each other, and looking into the stormy dark blue eyes that I had just spent 72 hours in labor and having major surgery to meet.
I remember his first words, the first night he slept through the night, the first time he crawled and walked, his first birthday, when he switched to a "big boy" bed, and when he started going to the bathroom by himself.The first time he smiled and stole my heart.
As his mommy, I have been by his side for every major mile stone Korbin has had up until this point. Now, I sit here pen in hand, getting ready to sign my baby up for Kindergarten. Not just any kindergarten but ALL DAY kindergarten!! My little man will be gone for 8:30 am to 3:30 pm Monday thru Friday!!! I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with this transition to a world filled with monster trucks, tools the make real noises and "mommy I am hungry" to backpacks, lunchboxes and school clothes.
As Korbins world grows larger with friends, school activities and independence my world grows a little sadder as he needs me less and less. My baby is growing up!!! My tears are tears of joy because I am thankful that Korbin has the ability to grow up into a healthy, happy young man. As well as I am equally as thankful that I have had the opportunity to be his mommy full time for the last 4 1/2 years of his life.
I am trying to find the happiness in all of this kindergarten business, as Korbin steps into the next phase of his life.Some of best times in my childhood were spent in school, just being me and being with my friends. And I think mainly, that is what I am afraid of: that Korbin will move on without me.
Silly? Maybe. I know that I will have more than enough to keep me busy with a newborn at home.
Yet, I can not help but feeling like life is changing and there is nothing I can do about it.
I know those baby blue eyes, dimples and southern drawl " yes ma'am" will wow his teachers and his sense of humor, kind heart and competitive nature will make him lots of friends. I know the transition will be more traumatic for me than it will be for him, as he walks into that kindergarten room for the first time a new portion of his life begins, as does mine as I will from then be the mother of a kindergarten, a PTO mom and snack helper once a month.

Week # 8

Yesterday, was day 1 of week # 8 in my 2nd pregnancy. I began this pregnancy weighing 194 lbs and I now weigh 192 pounds. I have not been trying to loose weight, nor have I continued on my vigorous exercise routine. Actually quite the opposite, I have pretty much consumed anything I want just in moderate portion sizes. However, I have a great aversion to food in general. My husband made some great steak fajitas the other night, in which I had about 6 awesome tasting bites until my stomach started to churn indicating that if I did not stop eating soon, I would not like the results. Reluctantly, I put my generously filled tortilla pack on the plate. My hair is falling out again because of the low level of protein I am consuming, which I will be trying to up slowly in order to avoid nausea.
I am taking a prenatal vitamin, an iron supplement, vitamin C supplement and tums for extra calcium. I plan at asking at my next prenatal visit if the Dr. wants me to add a folic acid supplement to my regime. I do pretty good remember to taking the prenatal vitamin most days, the iron is hit or miss mainly based on the fact of constipation issues.
The baby updates I get said that the baby is now the size of a kidney bean, which is funny that something that small could reek that much havoc on a woman's body!!
My size 14 jeans are much too tight now, so I have reclaimed a pair of size 18's out of my closet that I just had not gotten around to getting rid of yet. They are put huge in the legs but are fitting well in the waist. I have one maternity shirt my sister gave me, and that is it for maternity clothes. I am praying Rod gets a job before I start to need more, but as it stands it will not be very long because you can already see my little baby bump pouching out there a little bit.
I did some reading because I thought for sure I was crazy, especially since I lost two pounds, but everything I could get my hands on says that it is common for you to "show" quicker with your second or third baby than you were with your first. And since I weighed 275-300 pounds when I was pregnant with Korbin, it was about at 6 months when you could finally tell that I was pregnant and not just over-weight.
Does it sound strange that I am looking forward to "looking" pregnant? Being MO ( morbidly obese) with my son, I missed some of the joy of just being pregnant. Now that I am at a healthy weight, I am looking forward to going into the Motherhood store and shopping in the cute section (where you can buy a Large), and not be shuffled to the back of the store where they have things in "my size". Now, I am just hoping that we have the money in order to have that experience!

Me & My BIG Mouth

So, I have basically been spotting on & off since a week after I found out that I was pregnant. The doctors have checked for fetal heart tones, and found one. Which leads them to believe that this bleeding in just old uterine blood left from my last c-section in 2004.
After taking 5 days off that I really could not afford, then another day because Korbin was running a 104 degree fever, I was working a total of 20 hours in two weeks, which by no means pays our rent or electric bill here at the end of the month.
And to make matter worse, my boss called last night and wanted me to cover another shift at another home, and after working since 7am (and it was almost 6pm), I was just exhausted. So, instead of telling her no, I was tired and my husband was fixing me a nice dinner at home, I told her about my doctors "suggested" restrictions in order not to work the other house.
On Thursday, Dr. F and I talked about what he would like to see me doing ( not running up and down stairs and lifting more than a galloon of milk) but also said that he understood that I was the only one working right now, so just to becareful. So, instead of getting the understanding boss I thought I would get, I got "well if that is the case, we are gonna have to pull your hours. It is not safe for you or the patient". And with that, both my husband and I are unemployed and face the very real prospect of loosing everything we have.
Which is why I slept less than 2 complete hours last night. After another phone call transpired, where my boss realized that I was hysterical, she did offer me a glimpse of hope... for 1/2 second. That if my doctor was will to release me with no lifting restrictions, then I would still have a job, and she would help me to make up the hours I missed. As kind as she may have meant the offer to be, it really offered me no solice because we both knew that there is no doctor in america that is going to give any pregnant women alive a blanket letter saying that she has no restrictions whats so ever because then it would make him available for a lawsuit later, if something should happen.Then, she said " Take this time to rest, you need it" WHAT????????????????? Are you kidding me??????????????? You just took away the only way my family and I were making it and you actually said to me get some rest. What I should actually be doing instead of typing this, is looking for another job, praying that someone would be willing to hire me(and not fire me when they found out I was pregnant).
There are over a million companies in america that make reasonable accomodations for pregnant women, and mine were simple: please put me at house A and house B for right now. And, I guess that if I would have kept my big mouth shut, I would not be looking for an underpass to live under at this particular moment.
My stress level is through the rough, and it has been for months. Instead of someone putting there arm around me and saying" Do you need a listening ear or a friend?", these well meaning people say "Oh, I can understand what your going through. I have been where you are!"
OH REALLY???? So, your husband has been laid off once a year for four years, your job has been dismissed like you were a bad cold, you've been pregnant without anyway to support yourself or the child you already have, you've never had a home to "loose" so when you get kicked out of an apartment you go to the streets, and with every single turn you can not figure out for the life of you what you have done so wrong???? Well congrats, then you have been in my shoes!!
So I sound angry?? Yes, I am!!! Do I sound scared? Terrified, actually!!! I have done all that I can do, I have worked 32 days straight, christmas, my birthday, new years, morning, noon and night and completely reeinginering my schedule on a moments notice to fill an extra shift- and all I needed in return was a paycheck to make sure my family had a roof over thier heads and food on the table. Now, I have no idea where those necessities are even going to come from!! Ironically, I am not angry with my boss. Although, I would have handled the situation differently, I can see her point of view ( note, I did not say I agree with it, but none the less) and I am thankful for the employment while it was available. The experience has truelly changed my life. I am more angry at myself for just not being good enough for anything or anyone. I thought with great weight loss, I would find my self worth, instead I found more self loathing. I have prayed, begged, hoped and dreamed of having another child for 3 1/2 years now and instead of now have a dream come true, I have a nightmare and this poor baby is going to suffer for my mistakes!!

They found a heart beat!!

Monday was an extremely emotional day for us. I woke up before the dr.'s office opened and showered, just encase they were able to see my right away. At 8:45 I called the ob's office and spoke to an uncaring women who said all she could do was let me speak to the nurse, when she had a moment to call me back, and give me an appointment a week from Thursday. A week from Thursday?? Did she miss the part where I said I was bleeding and had been since last Thursday???
So, I was back to square one which was extremely frustrating!! After I finished crying, I took the bull by the horns and called the dr.'s office back again, I was going to get some answers!! This time I spoke to someone, who actually listened to what I was saying and when I finished my story she put me on hold for what seemed like forever! However, when she came back she had better news: the ultrasound tech said that she was willing to squeeze me in and they would do my blood work.Then, I would see the dr. later this week. It was not completely what I was looking for, but it was better than the latter.
So,Rod and I dropped Korbin at my sisters and headed to the dr.'s office. Since this was a different doctor than I had orginally began seeing, I had to fill out new patient paperwork. We sat there for what seemed like forever, and finally when I thought my bladder would burst, they called us back.
The ultrasound tech was the most personable person I had seen in the medical community in days! She did the ultrasound on there on the screen was the tiniest flutter I had ever seen, but yes, it was a heart beat!! I thought my own heart would leap out of my chest, and tears stung my eyes!! I was so thankful to the Lord, I do serve a wonderful God!!!
They took some bloodwork, and told me that I was six weeks and three days pregnant and I would see the doctor on Thursday at 10:45am.
As I floated from the office to the car, I was in awe of the handiwork of God to create something so small and tiny that is a living breathing person that will grow to be this bundle of energy that runs around whose laughter is the merriment of my heart. I am so blessed to be a mommy and to get to be a mommy again to this little angel.
I am still praying that they bleeding will stop completely, however, it has slowed alot. And I return to work tomorrow, which is both exciting and scary at the same time.
Right now, we are just trying to take things one day at a time.

Uncertainty

I sit here on my couch, where I have been for 2 days now, afraid any moment I will have to use the bathroom again.
On January 31, Rod and I found out we were expecting our second child. We have waitted 3 years to get pregnant again, which came on the heals of my one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery on January 29th where I lost 185 pounds. Needless to say we were elated, as was our son.
Korbin has waitted for what seems like an eternity to a little kid to be a Big brother. I would have never thought being a brother is as important to him as it is. Since the moment he found out, he kisses my stomach and tell the baby inside that he loves his baby brother or baby sister.
That is just one of the reasons that my heart was shattered into a blue million pieces when I began to spot on Thursday afternoon.
I went to the restroom and simply could not believe my eyes as to what I was seeing on the toilette tissue!! I promptly called my OB and tried to wait as patiently as I could for his phone call. However, it and the trip to the ER later were completely useless and a waste of my time!! They told me nothing, other than my cervix is still closed, and this could or could not be a viable pregnancy. There is nothing that I nor they could do to determine or save this either way. I still feel numb, as I sit here and relive the events in my mind.
On friday, I went back to my OB and he checked me again and said all seems well but this could be a threatened Miscarriage. I hate that word!! This is more to me and my family than just a fetus or a miscarriage. This is our baby!!! If it dies, a part of me dies too!! More so what do I tell my precious little boy, who looks forward to this baby as much as my husband and I do?!?! Each night he goes to bed, he prays for this baby and for mommys belly to get really, really big. I just do not want to break his little heart too!!!
Yet, I live in hope that I am one of the 1 in 5 women who has a small tear in the uterus that will heal itself. Or the 30% or 75% of women who have bleed in thier first trimester. I keep praying that God will hear my prayers and answer them that this bleeding will stop and everything will indeed be alright. I am terrified to the quick of my soul that there is something wrong with my baby and there is nothing I can do about it!
All I can do is pray, and wait, and pray until I go back to the Dr. next friday. I have 5 1/2 more weeks until I will be at 12, then the statistics for miscarriage drops by half. I am praying that she can hang on until then. I am praying that we all can hang on until then!
Lord God in Heaven, that created all that we are and all the we see. I pray and ask you now Father to please touch this child inside of me. I love her, Lord. And I have loved her since the very moment I knew about her. I ask, Lord, that you please protect her and heal me from what ever is causing the random bleeding so that I may carry her to a full and healthy term. I have faith in you Lord, and I put all of my trust in you. I know that you can do a miracle in this situation based upon the sheer fact, that is it a miracle that I am pregnant to begin with. You are the Great Physician, God!! There is nothing to big or to small that is beyond your control!!Your word says that you will give me the desires of my heart, and as I pray believing, I trust in your word and in your sovernity as the Almighty. I surrender myself and the life of this child to you, Lord, and pray that it will end favorably but ask that thy will be done Lord.

Peanut Allergy Kid-do

Last April, Korbin was diagnosed with a Peanut Allergy(PA) in a very tramatic event in an allergist office. Since then, I have tried to educate myself and others around me about this severe allergy. Much to my dismay, I have failled more often than not. And as we face an allergy that threatens to worsen over time, rather than be something that he will just "grow out of", I find my anxiety over the situation growing as well. Especially with the onset of kindergarden looming.
House after house we visit, I find peanut tanted snacks littering cabinets and counter tops, by well meaning friends and family who do not simply understand the severity of an PA.
Fifty-four percent of fatal food allergic reactions reported in the United States from 2001-2006 were from peanuts.As well as, asthmatics with peanut sensitivity are more likely to develop life threatening reactions. "If untreated, anaphylactic shock can result in death due to obstruction of the upper or lower airway (bronchospasm) or hypotension and heart failure. This happens within minutes to hours of eating the peanuts. The first symptoms may include sneezing and a tingling sensation on the lips, tongue and throat followed by pallor, feeling unwell, warm and light headed. Severe reactions may return after an apparent resolution of 1-6 hours" says Wikipedia
Now do you see my anxiety?????
Who was it that said "Knowing is half the battle"? GI Joe, I think. Anyway, I found a new web-site of a mom who also has a Peanut Allergy Kid. She faces the same fears, trails and triumphs that I do. Ironically enough, I found solice in the wording of her articles as I realized that I am not alone.We are not alone in our battle to keep our son safe and healthy.
I wanted to give her web-site a special mention; http://www.peanutallergykid.com/ because if as parents we band together to keep our kids safe until there is a cure for PA then we can focus more on the fun of heading off to kindergarden instead of the fear.



Korbin's Favorite Peanut-Free No Bake Cookies
Ingredients
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup cocoa
1/2 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 cups dry oats
Directions
1In a saucepan add butter, sugar, cocoa and milk.
2Bring to boil, stirring constantly. After 3 minutes remove from heat.
3Stir in vanilla and oats.
4Drop by spoonful onto wax paper.
5Let sit till firm, or eat immediately!

Now & Then

January 2008 was a very unique month for me as it was the month prior to my surgery. I am re-reading my journal from last year to remember and acknowledge how far I have come. Here is my journal from this day last year:


"Pre-Surgrey Day
This morning with my Aaron Shust CD and the keys to my sister-in-laws car in hand, I drove to Ypsilanti for my pre-surgrey testing. As I drove across the snow/salt covered express way, I was superised at how calm I was. There was the hiccup of some nervousness or fear try to burrow its way into my head, but I shook it off as I listened to the words of my new favorite CD.
I arrived shortly before 9:30 and went into the Clinic. They took me right back and I did not even have to sit in the waitting room. This surprised me a little because I have felt recently as if I am in a constant state of waitting for something. First, I went to have some blood drawn and chatted with the nice tech about how much I was going to enjoy the new phase of my life. She said she would she me the morning of my surgrey for more blood, and I went to see the attending dr. who " cleared" me for surgrey by asking some questions about my family and personal medical history.
The Dr. gave me one of those great medical gowns and had the nurse escort me down to ultra sound for a u/s of my gallbaladder. This was kinda surreal as I had flash backs of labor and delivery; ugly gown and all. Next, was a chest x-ray and then I was ewscort back to a dressing room before off to a nutrition class.
I sat in the room with several others and the Registered Deitician for an hour and a half with a continuing thought of I all ready know this. I was pretty happy when she finally gave out our big book of advice and I got to ask the things I didn't know. At that moment I felt pretty secure that I had done my homework and knew what laid in front of me. The RD was a nice lady was gave out her phone number at the clinic and said she was personally available to us. That kinda impressed me a little, not like a weight watchers or jenny craig chick but a real human who was personally available to me to help me through the things I don't know who won't give me text book answers to my non text book weight issue.
Finally some help! This is what I have truelly need for years. Not some to tell me what I should or shouldn't do but to help me find the answers and achieve success. Not to talk at me but too me. So, when I left the nutrition class, although I knew what she was talking about(for the most part), I felt secure in my knowledge about the decision I was making and who I was allowing to help me with that decision.
Finally, is was off to get my EKG. This lady was nice and we chatted about our kids for several minutes before she asked me to put on that stupid gown again. That was nice, for once someone wanted to talk before asking me to undress. It is always easier to know who is going to see your grossly over weight body before they actaully see it.
I was done. Just that easy.
As I drove back home, with Aaron Shust blairing in my ear ( without Korbin in the car I can turn the radio up as loud as I want without the fear of making him deaf), I realized that I felt comfortable at that facility. There are so many people who work there that have had this surgrey and are a walking testimony to it. Plus people don't look at you funny for having bigger thighs or bellys or double chins. They applaude you for realizing you have a problem and getting help with it.
I am still dealing with that little hiccup that wants to become a full blown case but I am trying to rest on the promise that God will never give me than I can handle and that He has brought through so much. And dreaming about the little dress that I am gonna buy for Danny and kendra's wedding July 4th week end and think about all the fun I am gonna have for the first time in a long time because I will not have to think about if I look good. I will feal like I look good and that for the first time in forever will be good enough!!!!!!!!"

How crazy is it that I am still dealing with that hiccup of fear? The fear of not being good enough and the fear of failure. I have come so far, and still I face these fears daily. I guess weight loss surgery does not cure self-esteem or self-worth issues. Which is what I am dealing with right now, along with the complete and utter terror of my husband being without a job in an uncertain economy. So, I think for today I will rest on my success of what I have already achieved and let tomorrow take care of it's self. I am gonna pop in my Aaron Shust CD on my way to work tonight and pray that the Lord will give me today what he gave me a year ago; Hope.

Finally!!

I finally weigh under 200 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Wahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drowning

I wrote several months ago about Godly contentment and my desire for it. However, I had no idea that my desire to be content with what I have no matter how large or how small would lead me or my family down this path.
It is literally fighting everything I have ever know in order to be at peace with myself, my husband and our circumstances. Proverbs 3:5&6 says "lean not on your own understand in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct you paths". It is a completely ironic feeling to "lean" on God to understand exactly what is going on here without fully understanding what is going on yourself.
Have you ever jumped in a pool and went to far under and had to fight your way to the top and by the time you get there, your lungs are aching for air and for several minutes afterward they burn painfully until your body is reinflated with precious oxygen once again?
That is exactly what life is like right now, and I am in constant fear of literally drowning at any particular moment.
Christmas was an amazing moment for Rod & I once we got over the realization that we had nothing to give than what we hid in our hearts for one another. It was a bitter pill to swallow but once we did, we could get over the nasty taste left in our mouths and move forward. For the first time in years, we actaully enjoyed our families; faults and all, and the gifts that we were given without the preverbial "but" hanging in the air. It was a sweet time for us, and the soul reason was the we gave Jesus first place in our life and He restored our joy.
Yet, it seems as if that Joy has been lost once again and the Devil has launched a full on assult on our home, marriage, finances and life. From the time I rise until I go to sleep at night, it is an exhausting battle to control my thoughts and attitude in order to maintain any intergrity I may have left.
Some days are better than others, but even the best days are still very trying. I have never been this exhausted and terrified! I am completely at a loss, and have no idea what the answer is or how to obtain it.
When I was a little girl, I would constantly tell my parents that I could not wait to grow up so that I could live on my own and make my own decisions! Fast forward 20 years and here I am wishing that I did not have so many decisions to make!! I had no idea that being an adult was so rough because it looked like it was so much fun when I was 10. I should go back and ask my Dad when the fun part starts because right now is anything BUT fun!!!!