How did I get here????

For the last week or so I have been having some rather intense pain where my gallbladder use to be. Is was mind boggling at first, then Rod reminded me that the general surgeon who removed my gallbladder originally said that since my common bile duct(cbd) was littered with stones that I was at a high rate of having them reoccur.

I was at the Rheumatologist the first visit, and mentioned it to him. He told me to follow up with my pcp. I like the rheum doc, he was thorough and said that he thought that maybe my symptoms were from something other than Fibromyalgia. He sent me for blood work, and they took 7 viles of blood. I will see him in 4 weeks to go over the results unless there is something that comes back urgent in the blood work.

I assumed at the pcp I would need an ultrasound and went in prepared for such. My weight was 238, which is down from 241 before Christmas. Its hard to believe that in 10 days I will be celebrating my 5 year anniversary for my wls. I would like to be at 235 by the end of the month. Which leaves me 35 to loose getting me back to my pre-pregnancy weight. It has taken me more time than I would have liked to get there, but things have not exactly been easy around here and the stress made it easier to retain the weight rather than loose. I know, because as Rod has gone back to work the weight has began to come off again with minimal changes.

Anyways, the doctor took my vitals and after a short conversation brought in a EKG machine. I nearly passed out!! The room began to spin and I had to sit down and put my head between my knee's. My blood pressure was 142/90 and my pulse was 101. With a family history of both my mother and grandfather dying of heart attacks in their early 40's, they did not waste anytime checking my heart.

I received a call in the middle of the night on May 10th, 1999. It was mother's day and I had gone home the day before to spend time with my mom since I had to work that day. I had gotten angry with her because I wanted to take her to dinner and she did not feel like going, so we ordered in from Big Boy. Then I headed back to my dorm at EMU. The call came from my sister whom I was determine never to speak to again prior to this because of some things that were exchanged between her &I. She was frantic and said that they could not get mom awake. Little did I know at that time, the coroner had already been there, pronouncing her dead. I drove from Ypsilanti to Allen Park the fasted I had ever driven in my life, praying that the police did not stop me. They did not and I knew God had provided, as I pulled down the street I seen a police officer sitting outside my parents house. He seen my car pull up and stepped outside of his; that is when I knew....

As I laid on the table while they preformed the EKG and wondered how I got there. I lost a ton of weight and reversed my Type 2 Diabetes's and I never smoked and had not had Alcholin years. I exercise on a regular basis, and drink alot of water. My cholesterol and triglyceride's are good and my all accounts, I am healthy. How did I get here???

Tears streamed down my face, and the nurse looked sympathetic. It has been my sincerest prayer that God allow me to raise the boys He has entrusted me with, I have seen first had what happened to kids when they loose a parent too early. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be with my Lord & Savior in Heaven but everything to do with being a good steward of the blessings of God's blessing's and wanting to finish the job as parent before I pass from this life into the next.

All I could think of is that Konnor is only 3 and if something happens to me now, he will never remember me!!

The nurse smiled kindly and informed me she was done and the doctor would be back in a few moments to talk to me. I prayed frantically and hugged the wide blue-eyed boy that stared at me in amazement. He could not possibly comprehend what was going on around he & I. I was thankful for that because I am not sure I understand what was going on myself.

The doctor knocked on the door and slide inside closing the door quietly behind her. She informed me that they EKG was fine but they were concerned about my BP and pulse rate since I am typically spot on. I whispered a prayer of thanks to God and continued to listen as the plan is to get an ultrasound of my epigastric region to see where the pain is coming from and then of my heart. Then to have a full cardiac work up, this year and every year from now on.

I was released to go home with the slip for the ultrasound and under strict orders to keep my bp down and not to stress over things. If I have "any problems" to head strait to the ER.

Of course I knew that I would be in for a round or two of panic attacks for the next day or two. Needless to say, I was a sleepless night for me and I prayed and tossed through out the night.

I was more than exhausted this  morning when I heard Rod rushing around to get out the door. I stood up and the room swarmed around me, and I sat again with my head between my knee's. My chest ached and I was struggling to understand if this was an anxiety attack or something more. I struggled for most of the morning with this, as I prayed and prayed asking God for guidance and clarity.

Then, I got a text: Roman's 1:17 "For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, The righteous shall live by faith.”  Pray it, believe it, and leave it. If you do not leave it then you do not believe it. All night long and I had been  praying and then continuing to worry. I was not praying and leaving it at the foot of the cross when I should have been, believe that no matter what God has a plan. It was gentle reminder from someone who did not know what I was struggling with, the righteous shall live by Faith..it was almost as if I could hear that still small voice inside of me saying, " Have faith..I got this!"

Sometimes we just need to believe that God hears and answers what your praying about, truly believe it. And it was a nice text to get, and I was grateful for it this morning.

Rod gave me strict instructions to rest today. So I did!! I read books with Konnor that I downloaded on my Kindle for him, and played with my camera that Rod got me for Christmas. It was a nice afternoon, and I was thankful for a day of rest in a weeks where is has been so busy, especially with not feeling well.

I do not know how I got here exactly, but I was thankful for God's little reminder today; live by faith!! I will have faith God has a plan, and although I may not know the answer right now I will live the faith that I have knowing He has the answers I need because He has EVERYTHING I need. Always!

~Kristy~