Dirt Under Our Fingernails

My small group is studying a book called Becoming More by Lysa Terkeurst. They started it last fall and with work & school, I was unable to attend but with a gift card over Christmas, I bought the book anyway to finish with the group.

 Chapter 17, Praying the Dangerous Prayers, struck a cord that resinates with me. Especially the paragraph midway through the chapter where the author writes,
" Just as God promised Jeremiah that He would bring His people back from exile, He will be faithful to draw our heart out of choas its grown accustomed too into the still sweet peace of His presence. " Then you will call upon me & come & pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, Declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity."( Italics mine) Jeremaih 29:12-14

The two words that struck me most there is Choas & Captivity.

Realizing lately that the choas of my life has held me captive from the plans to prosper that God talks about in Jeremiah 29:11,"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

For years, Rod & I were struggling to survive the day to day life of being unemployed and not having any idea where the basic necessities of life were going to come from. Alot of times it felt as if the pressure on us was so imense that we even struggled to breathe under the weight of the stress. We were in survival mode for so long, that now God had extended His grace and mercy to us and giving us the desires of our hearts, it still feals like I am struggling to breath.

I can tell you that I learned more about myself and my God during this time than I ever would have if this time had not existed. I can understand God's purpose in the pain, and looking back I can see some of His plan. Yet, now I sit here dealing with the after math of years of hard stress and uncertainty.

Over the past years I seen God do the amazing for us over & over again, providing food, shelter, clothes,friendship when in my humanity I thought all was lost. I guess knowing and seeing all that God has done for us and still living in the choas and capitivity of the past seems, for lack of better terms, a bit disrespectful and ackward.

I do not want to merely scratch the surface of the promise(s) Jesus offers us through out the entire bible but specifically when He says in Luke 11:9-10, " Ask and it will be given unto you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened unto you. For everyone asks recieves; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened".

I do not want the door Jesus has for me to be opend just a sliver, but I want to swing it wide and see ALL that God has for me!!

In this chapter Lysa says, "We want the promises but we do not want to get any dirt under our fingernails in the process. We want comfortable circumstances," Yep! Thats me! I often find myself clinching my eyes shut and begging God please do not make it hurt!!

Yet, I want to be used by God. I want to pray the Dangerous Prayers but I will admit I am scared to death, because it may hurt!! Lysa says, " The beauty of praying these dangerous prayers is inviting the divine presence into otherwise mundane moments. They are dangerous prayers not because they bring danger (or pain, in my case) into our lives but because they will not leave us unchanged!!"

I have no desire to live an unchanged or mundane life before the Lord, the bible says "you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth" in Revelations 3:15-16. To know that you have the amazing oppertunity to walk with the Lord and choosing only to dabble in His love or promises makes me horroribly sad for those who do that.

God offers more than just fire insurance against Hell. Whether our capitivity is is our own self-centeredness, fear of change or pain, doubts  or uncertainty, if you listen you can hear Him say that you are Free to hear from Him. Free to experience life with a loving Heavenly Father. Best of all, Free to become more like Him and less then the person who holds you captive; yourself.

I want God to change me this year, I am unsure if I believe in the whole resolution idea but I have always had goals and things I want to accomplish. I want to accomplish the unimaginable. I want to walk away from the things that haunt me & cause me pain to leave it at the foot step of God, the Father. To allow Him to lead me and help me to forgive and move for forward. To be the Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Auntie and Friend God has intended for me to be.

I will faulter and fail. I will have to repent and apologize. I will have to deny myself and allow God to work in me when my humanity is screaming, "Do it this way!". I know it may be dirty and forget getting dirt under my fingernails, I may have it up to my elbows!! But just as God can forgive my sins as far as the east is from the west, I know that He will clean up the mess that I make of things and help me to be who He wants me to be!!

~Kristy~