Flare Up

It would be right that 5 days before Christmas that my fibromyalgia would flare up!! I am both annoyed and overwhelmed with this!

The pain medication the doctor gave me last time is not touching the pain in my back/legs and I have so much to do all I want to do it cry!!

I am learning that stress is a major contributer to my fibro pains, and unresolved stress or major conflict will cause the pain in my back & leg muscles to hurt/ache more. The funny thing is that, I did not realize I was stressed right now. I am just doing my normal christmas thing, and working.

I get asked alot, so tell me your symptoms. It is often hard to describe because more often than night, I have one or two little boys to contend with while I sit in the doctors office trying to explain my "symptoms".

Imagine having a really bad case of the flu, but the only symptoms you have are extremely bad body aches and pains, hot flashes and cold chills and nausea. Imagine that you have a fever but you can’t feel it on your skin. It’s INSIDE your muscles and bones but your skin feels cool to the touch.

Now imagine that you just had a strenuous work out the day before and your muscles are really sore. Or better yet imagine a bad bruise you’ve had before and how it hurt to even touch it a little bit. Now imagine those types of bruises all over your body.

Imagine that you didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before or that you have been up for 48 hours straight. Imagine you are having a really hard time concentrating and you find yourself daydreaming and being really forgetful. You are soooo tired, you can’t make sense of things sometimes, you can’t keep your eyes open, you feel dizzy and strange, and all you want to do is lie down and sleep for as long as you can. Imagine you get the opportunity to take that nap that you’ve been craving to take all day long and when you lay down all of a sudden you can’t get to sleep to save your life. You can’t figure out why, because your body and brain feel like they’re going to drop at any moment. Why wouldn’t you be able to sleep??? You get frustrated and angry because all you want to do is drift off and rest.

Okay, now imagine that for some reason, you just can’t hold onto objects very well and you seem to be dropping a lot of things for no reason that you can determine. Imagine a time when you were really nervous and your legs and arms felt like spaghetti. You trip over things and can’t seem to feel sure of your footing.
This is alot of what I feel most days, living with this and I guess I am just down in the dumps today because I was hoping to avoid a flare up during Christmas!

Now I want you to imagine having all of those symptoms of pain and severe fatigue piled up on you, and you have to get up to go to work, or you have to take care of your kids or do housework, or repairs in your home. Imagine having an important date or vacation scheduled with your friend or loved one(s). One you’ve been looking forward to for a while and you already have reservations and some money invested in it. You have to be there.

The truth is, you just want to lay there in your agony. You have no energy, no willpower, and no motivation to do ANYTHING. It doesn’t matter if you lay down, sit, or stand, nothing helps. Even getting out of bed to go to the restroom seems like a monumental task. You don’t want to tell anyone because it seems too “lazy” and unbelievable. After all, you were fine just yesterday and you were able to function pretty well. Who is going to believe you? Why all of a sudden is this pain and fatigue piled up on you like this? What proof do you have?
Imagine trying to tell someone how you were feeling, trying to describe it, but you look completely normal. They can’t see any “evidence” of your pain, no bruises, no breaks, no virus, no anything. They give you “that look”. The one that says “you’re just making this up to get attention or because you’re lazy”. Now imagine it’s a doctor you’re desperately coming to for help to alleviate your pain and fatigue and it’s THEM giving you that look. Yeah…it’s NO fun.

It’s humiliating, it’s embarrassing and frustrating.....

I am not giving up or giving in to this disease, I honestly just want to make it through the holidays!! Maybe that sounds terrible, I don't know. But it is the truth. The guilt I feel for fealing so poorly all of the time, is just as bad as dealing with the physical pain.

The new year will bring answers, I know it!!

I just need to make it there, and realize that I need to put "me" back on the laundry list of things I have to do everyday and maybe if I do so, instead of bandaging me when I feel so terrible all of the time, then I can start to feel more like me instead of like a walking zombie with a brave face.

The other day, I could feel the flare up coming. I have gotten use to feeling terrible but this is worse than normal. I made an appointment with the doctor and I live in optimism that maybe together we can make a plan for the holidays. Not just to get through them but to maybe enjoy them?!

I know this, God has a plan for me through this, and if I allow him. He will do the extraordinary through this ordinary life.

~Kristy~