Me & My BIG Mouth

So, I have basically been spotting on & off since a week after I found out that I was pregnant. The doctors have checked for fetal heart tones, and found one. Which leads them to believe that this bleeding in just old uterine blood left from my last c-section in 2004.
After taking 5 days off that I really could not afford, then another day because Korbin was running a 104 degree fever, I was working a total of 20 hours in two weeks, which by no means pays our rent or electric bill here at the end of the month.
And to make matter worse, my boss called last night and wanted me to cover another shift at another home, and after working since 7am (and it was almost 6pm), I was just exhausted. So, instead of telling her no, I was tired and my husband was fixing me a nice dinner at home, I told her about my doctors "suggested" restrictions in order not to work the other house.
On Thursday, Dr. F and I talked about what he would like to see me doing ( not running up and down stairs and lifting more than a galloon of milk) but also said that he understood that I was the only one working right now, so just to becareful. So, instead of getting the understanding boss I thought I would get, I got "well if that is the case, we are gonna have to pull your hours. It is not safe for you or the patient". And with that, both my husband and I are unemployed and face the very real prospect of loosing everything we have.
Which is why I slept less than 2 complete hours last night. After another phone call transpired, where my boss realized that I was hysterical, she did offer me a glimpse of hope... for 1/2 second. That if my doctor was will to release me with no lifting restrictions, then I would still have a job, and she would help me to make up the hours I missed. As kind as she may have meant the offer to be, it really offered me no solice because we both knew that there is no doctor in america that is going to give any pregnant women alive a blanket letter saying that she has no restrictions whats so ever because then it would make him available for a lawsuit later, if something should happen.Then, she said " Take this time to rest, you need it" WHAT????????????????? Are you kidding me??????????????? You just took away the only way my family and I were making it and you actually said to me get some rest. What I should actually be doing instead of typing this, is looking for another job, praying that someone would be willing to hire me(and not fire me when they found out I was pregnant).
There are over a million companies in america that make reasonable accomodations for pregnant women, and mine were simple: please put me at house A and house B for right now. And, I guess that if I would have kept my big mouth shut, I would not be looking for an underpass to live under at this particular moment.
My stress level is through the rough, and it has been for months. Instead of someone putting there arm around me and saying" Do you need a listening ear or a friend?", these well meaning people say "Oh, I can understand what your going through. I have been where you are!"
OH REALLY???? So, your husband has been laid off once a year for four years, your job has been dismissed like you were a bad cold, you've been pregnant without anyway to support yourself or the child you already have, you've never had a home to "loose" so when you get kicked out of an apartment you go to the streets, and with every single turn you can not figure out for the life of you what you have done so wrong???? Well congrats, then you have been in my shoes!!
So I sound angry?? Yes, I am!!! Do I sound scared? Terrified, actually!!! I have done all that I can do, I have worked 32 days straight, christmas, my birthday, new years, morning, noon and night and completely reeinginering my schedule on a moments notice to fill an extra shift- and all I needed in return was a paycheck to make sure my family had a roof over thier heads and food on the table. Now, I have no idea where those necessities are even going to come from!! Ironically, I am not angry with my boss. Although, I would have handled the situation differently, I can see her point of view ( note, I did not say I agree with it, but none the less) and I am thankful for the employment while it was available. The experience has truelly changed my life. I am more angry at myself for just not being good enough for anything or anyone. I thought with great weight loss, I would find my self worth, instead I found more self loathing. I have prayed, begged, hoped and dreamed of having another child for 3 1/2 years now and instead of now have a dream come true, I have a nightmare and this poor baby is going to suffer for my mistakes!!