Drowning

I wrote several months ago about Godly contentment and my desire for it. However, I had no idea that my desire to be content with what I have no matter how large or how small would lead me or my family down this path.
It is literally fighting everything I have ever know in order to be at peace with myself, my husband and our circumstances. Proverbs 3:5&6 says "lean not on your own understand in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct you paths". It is a completely ironic feeling to "lean" on God to understand exactly what is going on here without fully understanding what is going on yourself.
Have you ever jumped in a pool and went to far under and had to fight your way to the top and by the time you get there, your lungs are aching for air and for several minutes afterward they burn painfully until your body is reinflated with precious oxygen once again?
That is exactly what life is like right now, and I am in constant fear of literally drowning at any particular moment.
Christmas was an amazing moment for Rod & I once we got over the realization that we had nothing to give than what we hid in our hearts for one another. It was a bitter pill to swallow but once we did, we could get over the nasty taste left in our mouths and move forward. For the first time in years, we actaully enjoyed our families; faults and all, and the gifts that we were given without the preverbial "but" hanging in the air. It was a sweet time for us, and the soul reason was the we gave Jesus first place in our life and He restored our joy.
Yet, it seems as if that Joy has been lost once again and the Devil has launched a full on assult on our home, marriage, finances and life. From the time I rise until I go to sleep at night, it is an exhausting battle to control my thoughts and attitude in order to maintain any intergrity I may have left.
Some days are better than others, but even the best days are still very trying. I have never been this exhausted and terrified! I am completely at a loss, and have no idea what the answer is or how to obtain it.
When I was a little girl, I would constantly tell my parents that I could not wait to grow up so that I could live on my own and make my own decisions! Fast forward 20 years and here I am wishing that I did not have so many decisions to make!! I had no idea that being an adult was so rough because it looked like it was so much fun when I was 10. I should go back and ask my Dad when the fun part starts because right now is anything BUT fun!!!!