Now & Then

January 2008 was a very unique month for me as it was the month prior to my surgery. I am re-reading my journal from last year to remember and acknowledge how far I have come. Here is my journal from this day last year:


"Pre-Surgrey Day
This morning with my Aaron Shust CD and the keys to my sister-in-laws car in hand, I drove to Ypsilanti for my pre-surgrey testing. As I drove across the snow/salt covered express way, I was superised at how calm I was. There was the hiccup of some nervousness or fear try to burrow its way into my head, but I shook it off as I listened to the words of my new favorite CD.
I arrived shortly before 9:30 and went into the Clinic. They took me right back and I did not even have to sit in the waitting room. This surprised me a little because I have felt recently as if I am in a constant state of waitting for something. First, I went to have some blood drawn and chatted with the nice tech about how much I was going to enjoy the new phase of my life. She said she would she me the morning of my surgrey for more blood, and I went to see the attending dr. who " cleared" me for surgrey by asking some questions about my family and personal medical history.
The Dr. gave me one of those great medical gowns and had the nurse escort me down to ultra sound for a u/s of my gallbaladder. This was kinda surreal as I had flash backs of labor and delivery; ugly gown and all. Next, was a chest x-ray and then I was ewscort back to a dressing room before off to a nutrition class.
I sat in the room with several others and the Registered Deitician for an hour and a half with a continuing thought of I all ready know this. I was pretty happy when she finally gave out our big book of advice and I got to ask the things I didn't know. At that moment I felt pretty secure that I had done my homework and knew what laid in front of me. The RD was a nice lady was gave out her phone number at the clinic and said she was personally available to us. That kinda impressed me a little, not like a weight watchers or jenny craig chick but a real human who was personally available to me to help me through the things I don't know who won't give me text book answers to my non text book weight issue.
Finally some help! This is what I have truelly need for years. Not some to tell me what I should or shouldn't do but to help me find the answers and achieve success. Not to talk at me but too me. So, when I left the nutrition class, although I knew what she was talking about(for the most part), I felt secure in my knowledge about the decision I was making and who I was allowing to help me with that decision.
Finally, is was off to get my EKG. This lady was nice and we chatted about our kids for several minutes before she asked me to put on that stupid gown again. That was nice, for once someone wanted to talk before asking me to undress. It is always easier to know who is going to see your grossly over weight body before they actaully see it.
I was done. Just that easy.
As I drove back home, with Aaron Shust blairing in my ear ( without Korbin in the car I can turn the radio up as loud as I want without the fear of making him deaf), I realized that I felt comfortable at that facility. There are so many people who work there that have had this surgrey and are a walking testimony to it. Plus people don't look at you funny for having bigger thighs or bellys or double chins. They applaude you for realizing you have a problem and getting help with it.
I am still dealing with that little hiccup that wants to become a full blown case but I am trying to rest on the promise that God will never give me than I can handle and that He has brought through so much. And dreaming about the little dress that I am gonna buy for Danny and kendra's wedding July 4th week end and think about all the fun I am gonna have for the first time in a long time because I will not have to think about if I look good. I will feal like I look good and that for the first time in forever will be good enough!!!!!!!!"

How crazy is it that I am still dealing with that hiccup of fear? The fear of not being good enough and the fear of failure. I have come so far, and still I face these fears daily. I guess weight loss surgery does not cure self-esteem or self-worth issues. Which is what I am dealing with right now, along with the complete and utter terror of my husband being without a job in an uncertain economy. So, I think for today I will rest on my success of what I have already achieved and let tomorrow take care of it's self. I am gonna pop in my Aaron Shust CD on my way to work tonight and pray that the Lord will give me today what he gave me a year ago; Hope.