Purge! Perge! Perge!

It happened about May or so, when I felt the need to throw out everything I own and start a fresh. Thank the good Lord,my BFF Pam talked me out of it! Because as I go through lot's of random junk, I am finding a few items that I would like to keep. A few. A great deal of the things I thought were important before, suddenly do not hold the same attraction for me. I have this real desire to remove all the things out of the way for "Old Kristy" so "New Kristy" can shine and be bold. I have started to refer to myself pre-wls as "her", which I here is very common. When I think of her I am very saddened by all of the things that she went through and how quickly she had to grow up. By age six, she was worrying about things like food, money and housing. Things that if Korbin had to worry about by that tender age, I would be very upset. I think about how she ate to console herself, and how often she cried because eatting was her only way out. Yet, as much as I understand her and feel a connection with her. I also feel a break, as if we are trully two different people. This is something I read about happening to others in books, however, was unable to see how it was going to happend to me. Somedays, the feelings I have about the past that I share with her is very, very overwhelming. As if someone has punched me in the gut several times over. There are days even at thirty that I still feel the pain of my parents divorce nearly two decades ago or the sting of my granfather dying just days before my 16th birthday and laying him in ground on one of the most important days of a teen agers life. I cry alot and mourn, then force myself to move on because nothing in the fridge is going to take away the pain or anxiety I feel at that very moment. Most often, I realize that I am dealing with this pain for the first time instead of repressing it. I usually carry the memory around with me like a heavy back pack for a day or two then pain I felt like a jab into the ribs is gone. And I am free again until the next wave of emotions hit. It is truelly amazing how God had stood by my side and helped me to deal with these issues, one at a time. Sometimes dealing with them involve a phone call or my dad or my sister to talk things through, but always God is holding my hand walking side by side with me until the ordeal is over. I prayed alot in my presurgery days that God would just take all of this emotional baggage away, and alot He has. But what He hasn't I deal with in the here and now and try to learn something from it. Today, I realized all of these things that I have been holding onto for so long are holding me back. I am not her any longer, and it is time to let go. So, as I purge my closet and drawers, I am also purging my life. To move forward. To be a better wife.A better mommy. A better Kristy. And I am finally at the place, where I am ok with all of that!!