Rod had just started working for a company based in PA but working inside a large distributor that was local. He did all the purchasing for the company and was scheduled to go to PA for a training for three days. I was working full time for a bank and we lived in a tiny two-bedroom apartment only 15 minutes from the local bank that I worked for. I came home for lunch, and it was early March 2004. Rod & I had been married 6 1/2 short months.Things were going great!!!
The May prior to our August wedding, I went to see the OB/Gyn for birth control options. To my surprise, Dr. Mike told me I would have trouble getting pregnant. I was large in size, and had been for sometime. The weight was crushing my fallopian tubes, and he put me on BC pills to regulate my cycles but it was not necessary for anything other than that. I would not be able to get pregnant without his help. When we were ready, I could come back to see him for infertility treatments.
Up until I met Rod, I never thought I would get married either. I just thought I was met to exist alone. At the time he proposed, I actually thought he was breaking up with me and was taking me to a nice restaurant to do it it public. To say I was surprised when he proposed, was an understatement!
Rod had asked me to go to the doctor because I was so sick but I refused until he returned from PA.
I honestly had thought I had the flu! I had never felt so awful! I went to see Dr. Mike because until my pcp, he got me in soon and I just wanted to feel better! He sent me for some blood work and I was so surprised when I grabbed the phone and listened to Jill on the other end tell me my pregnant test was positive. The room began to spin and the tears flowed freely. I had to be dreaming; I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!
When the news sunk in, I found myself jumping up and down!!
Dr. Mike was wrong! I was going to be able to have babies!
Well, I was half right. I did have two beautiful boys, five years apart. I am thankful that in that stretch there was never any miscarriages. I pray (ed) often for two very specific things; 1) That God will only give me pregnancies that will result in babies and 2.) That God will allow me to live long enough to see my children's children. But there was lot's of "just kidding's" where all the signs and signals were there for me to be pregnant, and my cycle would be late, only for me to take a test and my cycle would start the next day or so.
When I got pregnant I allowed myself to begin to dream about the big family I had always wants. Ideally, I had wanted two boys and a girl. Or even two girls, Or more boys. But the ratio of boys to girls was always more sons than daughters. Three was the minimum and double that was the maximum. I was able to have babies and since the unexpected dream of me getting married came true, then I could believe that my expected dream of being a mommy of a passel of kids would come true as well, right??
We tried for three years to have another baby after our sweet Korbin was born to no avail. I was heart broken and discouraged. I wanted people unexpectedly get pregnant, and in many cases I was happy for my friends and/or family. But for me, I was sad and distraught not to be able to give my only son a sibling to grow up with. Especially when some of his church friends were having brothers or sisters, and he would ask innocently "Mommy when do I get to be a big brother?"
I would choke back the tears and reply that it was all in God's timing.
Even though God's timing was not my timing when I got pregnant with Konnor, I was still over joyed!!
This pasted December I turned 35, and my hopes for my two sons and a daughter is slowly slipping through my fingers. To make matter worse, Korbin comes into my bedroom one evening and I am laying there watching one of my girly shows that I do not get to watch in the living room ( 19 kids & counting, Say Yes to the Dress or Lifetime movies I DVR for me to watch when I am tired of Duck Dynasty How its Made.. Sports. Crime Drama's or Cartoons). He climbs into bed and cuddles up next to me looking at me when those big blue eyes and says, "Mom I think we need to have another baby"
The manor he chose to express his thoughts was comical to me, and made me laugh out loud!! It also made my heart lurch at the same time! I told him again what I told him all those years ago, it was all in God's timing. Laughing, I tell Rod what Korbin said the night day and he responds much in the same way: audible laughter!
Soberly he says when God provided a full time job we can begin to think about and discuss about what God has planned for our family size.February 4, God provided a full time job to Rod. Now we must begin to face the reality that because of medical issues we can not wait another five years to have another baby. To risk factors are too high, and as much as I KNOW God is in control we pray for wisdom to make wise decisions for a purpose. It is not prudent to not be good stewards for the wisdom God gives to you.
Yet, my heart aches...
I long to have a daughter to create the relationship with her that I did not have with my mom..
I want selfishly to give Korbin all that he asks for & more in everything...
I want to nurse a baby for the goal of 6-9 months, which is what I wanted to do with Kon but it was interrupted by having my gallbladder removed via Emergency Surgery and serious complications to follow...
I wish to have a baby fall asleep on my shoulder..
More than anything, I want to give Rod the little girl he secretly dreams of walking down the isle one day and playing tea party with and teaching how to play baseball...
Today my cousin gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl who has the name that Rod would have given to his little girl, today is also the day after his birthday. I love my cousin and wish her nothing but the best with new little blessing coming into her family but the reality of all of this weighs on me today and my heart is heavy.
I never thought I would struggle with secondary infertility and the emotional toll it takes on you. I never thought my heart would ache in such capacity when my arms are full of two little roughly, toughy little boys. I never thought all of this would be such an issue to contend with!!
There is a song my friend Judy told me to sing when I am down, and counting my problems rather than my blessings :" Counting your blessing name them one by one and it will surprise you what the Lord has done!"
Counting the blessings of even having Korbin and Konnor, I can see exactly what they Lord has done and no matter what the future holds, I will count myself extremely blessed to be a mother to these amazing little boys!!
~Kristy~
No comments:
Post a Comment