Finding Me

My friend Steph & I just booked our first "Spa Trip" for April!! It is a much needed trip for both of us, but today as I sat on the bathtub edge crying that if I did not already have a getaway planned I would NEED to get away soon I would have a breakdown!!

I had this silly notion that once Rod got a full-time job all my anxiety would melt away and stress would be a thing of the past. The reality is that I am now letting myself feal the effects of the last three years of our lives and it is extremely painful to deal with.

As I once slept through the stress because it was the only thing that gave me some relief not to deal with the reality of what was going on, now I can not sleep at all because the nightmares I now have of the fears of what once was.

My latest nightmare was the we were homeless. Living out of our green Buick in the driveway of the vacant house down the street. It location was near the school, so I could still see if an ambulance or EMS had been called to the school. Yet, on this particular day the police were called to the school for me...because we had been living in the car and it was an insufficient place for children to live.

I woke up in a pool of sweat and having heart palpitation's.

God had provided for us in so many ways during Rod unemployment, it really does sound like a fiction novel when I begin to account for the many ways He took care of us. God truly does care of His children, but the human Psyche is a unique place and is a breeding ground for fear and insecurities.

It was a particularly rough day today, and God once again provided a "way out" with the thought of this week-end relaxing with my friend finding me again. Unlike alot of stay-at-home mom's, I have not lost my identity nor do I forget who I am to live through my kids. I have, however, forgotten how to relax. I feel like I am on duty all the time, and even when I am sleeping I do so with one eye open waiting for a child to come into my room & sleep in my bed. There is no down time for me.

Since Rod has gotten a job, praise the Lord, he has seen the stress that these years have added to my anxiety/stress levels and tries to get us out to get away more often. This helps some. I am completely grateful for when Rod's parents or sister take the boys. They are truly the only people who have them that I feel like completely relax we they are away. My dad, step-mom and sister are a extremely close second, but their schedules & lives are different than the flexibility Rod's family offers and they take the rules,etc of the boys allergies and issues and follow them to a T whereas it offers some concern to my dad & sister simply because of different circumstances not about love. Love is never a question!!

In recent months, God has brought a new appreciation and prospective to my heart regarding my family and in-laws. I am so thankful that He did! Yesterday is gone,but tomorrow is a new day. I can never get it back those days with my mom and often live in a place of regret but with the family we do have, we can work on making our tomorrows better so that we do not have to live in a place of regret any longer. No one is perfect, and the thing I hear God speaking to my heart is "If I offered you forgiveness, grace and mercy, and you claim to be a follow of mine, should you not offer it to others?"  I am so thankful I am saved by Grace because I struggle with this so much! When I do not hear Jesus talking to my heart, I hear my sweet southern Mamaw's voice ringing in my ears, " Kris, you can't get to Heaven holdin' a grudge". 

So thankful for second chances!!

I am thankful for a second chance to reconnect with my inner peace, and it does not hurt any that I will also be getting a massage at the same time!! I will miss my husband, and boys. I always feel a since of guilt when I take some time for me, and do not do it as often as alot of people say that I should. Maybe that is part of the reason I am in the stress induced over-load and adding things to it daily rather than removing anything. I really need some quiet time to reflect.

Although Steph and I will be there together, and I am certain going to share some laughs, we both have a purpose for going/getting away. It is different for the both of us and there is no one I would rather share this reflection time with than her. Too many times in recent days, she has pulled me from the despair that the devil has pulled my aching heart into only to do a Mexican hat dance on it. She has never condemned me, made light of my anxiety or used my faults/failures against me. I am glad two years ago she and her hubby decided to go bowling with two people they had never met before!

Part of reconnecting with myself, also allows me to reconnect with my husband. When I am overloaded, I am no good for anyone. Especially him. I have learned in recent days, that Rod is my best friend. I have looked to different people to have that title and he is the one person I keep returning to that no matter what our differences are or how bad our days can be, he never leaves. I have thrown words, things and his heart at him to get him to go because people you are close to inevitably leave but he never has.

The day before my 35th birthday, as I lay on the floor crying as if I had just been shot because my heart had been trampled on, he layed on the hard floor next to me stroking my hair until I fell asleep on my tear stained arm. I woke up what seemed like hours later to his murmurings, asking the Lord to give it too him. My pain, my heartache, whatever mistakes I may have made give it too him because I did not deserve what had just occurred. Especially the day before my birthday, because those that are close to me know who hard my birthday are for me to deal with and now we could add another bad birthday to the mounting list. It was that moment I new that my best friend layed beside me, not walked out on me. I knew after that I would never be the same....

I am so looking forward to a girl's getaway but more than getting away, I am looking forward to who is coming home: Me!!

~Kristy~