After High School, I made a promise to my mom that I would go to and graduate from college. My mom did not even finish High School, so it was of the uttmost importnace to her that we finish not only high school but college. I was well on my way, when I began at a local community college then transfered to a major four-year university to live on campus to finish my degree. Things were going along swimmingly when my mom died unexpectedly in the middle of the night on mothers day in 1999. Needless to say, my life was never the same. Neither was my college experience. I began having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night and hyperventilating believing that I was having a heart attack. I was not sleeping, so I began eatting to compensate for my exhaustion thus gaining massive amounts of weight. I was failing my classes and trying to cope with extreme loss while continueing to live away from all of my family and close friends. I just could not continue to down the path that I was on, so I got an apartment close to my sister and left my four year university. I regretted leaving but I did not see any other way around it. I vowed to go back and finish college...
I tried going back to the community college in 2001 and began in a photography class. I was in the dark room when I found out about the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in NYC. This sent my life once again, into complete panic because my dad is a truck driver and I could not reach him for more than four hours by cell phone. I had to face the idea that I may have lost both parents within two years..thank the Lord my dad was ok!! I could not bring myself to go back into the dark room and dropped my classes once again.
After marrying Rod in 2003, it was our agreement that I would finish school before we started a family and looked again at the community college. However again God had other plans, I found out I was pregnant and began a stay at home mom after Korbin was born in 2004.
Going to school was always in the back of my mind, after all I made a promise that I needed to fulfill. So when Rod become laid off for two consecutive years, I knew I had to go back to school. It was only after I registered for classes and we changed churches, that Rod got a job.
I want to fulfill my promise to my mom. But my heart is not in going to school as I thought it would be. I am struggling with being a good mom, good wife, keeping a clean home, being involved in Korbins school, making time for my toddler, friends, church and a million other things that call for my attention daily!! I frustrated because I feel as if I am going to be in school forever!! This is my second semester and I am no where near my core classes.. time is ticking away and I have no idea what I am suppose to do!!
With Rod working, he makes enough to pay our necessities. No more than that. No vactions, No extra's. No emergencies. No retirement savings. No college savings. No. No. No. Not because he is doing anything wrong but because the economy has made his salary take a nose dive.
I am simply struggling and confused. I want to stay home with my kids. I want to make good on my promise to my mom. I want to be able to work( if I need too) and not make mere pocket change. Yet, I am just not sure where the Lord is directing or if I am letting the devil confuse me?!
All I know is this: "Something feels funny" which is what Korbin tells us when his insticts are kicking in and he not mature enough to discern what he is feeling or he is having an allergic reaction. Deep in the pit of my stomach, something feels funny and it is only through deep prayer and communication with my Savior and husband will I be able to find out exaclty what is feeling funny and how to fix it!
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