The emotion of Fear

I was hanging up some clothes I got this week end from my sister-n-law. She was nice enough to give me some of the things in her closet that she was no longer wearing. When I recieved the hefty bag full of clothes, I was very excited. I washed them all today and began placing them on hangers, mentally deciding what I had that would go with this piece or that piece. Since Rod and I's clothing budget is next to nothing, I am always more than greatful when someone thinks enough of me to give me something. During this process, I went from being genuinely happy to being down right fearful! All of these clothes, were the size I am in now or a size below. I know, you are asking your self what the problem is? As was I when I began to grapple with these emotions that could not make sense in my brain. What if this is the size were I stopped? What is I can not loose any more weight and I stop here, a long way away from my goal weight? What if I never reached my goal weight? The fear set in that I may too be a failure at this. Last week was the six month anniversary of my weight loss surgery, and to that date( and this one) I've lost 117 pounds. In addition to the 14 pounds that I lost in December which is a grand total of 131 pounds in seven entire months. I know, intellictually, that is nothing to sneeze at. However, the what if monster has decended upon my brain and am questioning my ability to make it to my goal weight of 179 pounds,which I am just 69 pounds away from achieving. I know, so many people would be like look at where you have come from? But I can only look at where I need to go! I NEED to for once finish what I have started and loose this weight that is killing me slowly from the inside out. I am no where near where I need to be, and as far as I have come, I have by no means arrived and still have this fat girl mentallity that I struggle with daily. Unfortunately, unless you have struggled to get out of bed in the morning, or been unable to tie your shoes or prayed to God for more days than not for the fat that you are packing on by the second not to kill you while you sleep; you may not fully understand what I am talking about. I know more poeple than not in this country struggle with thier weight. I know that thier more poeple than not struggle with obesity or morbid obesity. Even with loosing 117 pounds, I am still considered obese at 248 and a BMI of 41.3. Even once I reach my goal weight of 179, my BMI will still consider me to be overweight. In order to have a normal BMI, I would have to weigh 151 pounds. Which is loosing 28 more pounds beyond the 69 I want to loose now(which is a total of 97 more pounds)!! Ahhh...stress!!! And as I type right now, the fear in mounting in my chest and I am close to hyperventilating!! I want to succeed at this... more than you may now!! I want to finally succeed at loosing weight and being healthy. I want to set a good example of living a healthy lifestyle out before my family, so that they themselves may be healthy. But before I can do that, I must not fail at this too. Who knew a bag of clothes would bring out so much emotion? I know that I should be happy with how far I have come, yet I can still only see the fat roll around my midsection and the flab on my arms. I not see how many double chins that I had, instead I just see the fat that hangs around my neck. I can not see what I was, but can only see what I am. And I am afraid of still being where I am right now, in 6 more months. Fear is a strong motivator for me and oftern drives me to do what needs to be done. It is my sincere prayer that God will take this fear and turn it into motivation to continue on this journey and get to where I need to be!