The burdens of life

I am sooo stressed that the weight of several burdens at once feel as if I am carrying steal upon my shoulders!! It is 11:30 at night and typically I am in bed at 10pm, and there is no end in sight to the thoughts whirling through my head. I feel as if I am in a vortex, things whirling around me at a break neck speed with no escape. Sadly, I have no idea how I arrived in the mixed-up madness that seems to surround me at every angle.
As I sit back and try to "count my blessings" and exhale, I can not seem to get past the obvious before the worries and fears begin to creep back in. As it stands, I can not seem to catch my breathe!!
My amazing husband has been out of work for more than a year and a half now. Several weeks ago, he went for a series of interviews beating out over 500 candidates! Just as we thought a job was on the horizon, our hopes were dashed yet again as they offered the position to the "other guy" in my husband very last interview. As we sit back and try to glean wisdom from what God allowed to happen yet again, it is only human to feel defeated.
There is an on going saga with my little sister and her two daughters, that simply breaks my heart. I want to have all the answers for them, to take away their pain and support them in every way possible.However, it seems that I am unable to keep my own head above water rendering me helpless in her current situation. I wonder why God is allowing this? What good can come from such heart ache? However, I know that He allows things to bring us into a right relationship with him and all things work together for good for those that love him and are called according to His purpose. Yet, it does not make these trails any easier to bare as we look for tangible answers but do not receive them.
When my mom died 11 years ago, my mamaw stepped right in to help me get through those moments that I needed my own mom but did not have her available. After the birth of my first son, I remember crying and asking my mamaw why I still needed mom so much even at 26. Putting her own pain aside, she wiped my tears and allowed me to lean on her in my own mom absence creating an amazing bond that words can not express. As I sit here, I am looking at the possibility, sooner than later, of being on earth without her and I am just unsure how to process this impending reality. I know the pain of loosing a parent,and a grandparent but I am unsure where to classify this type of relationship. Codependent? Special? Untitlable? Just not sure...
Better yet, I wonder why it is that I have to analyze and compartmentalize my life so much. I have never had the ability to just "handle things as they come" like my sister. I have to anticipate them, rationalize them and compartmentalize them to cope. However, in each experience with death I have had in the past, it has been pre- motherhood. How do I explain such unexplainable pain to my analytical son?
I literally and physically exhausted but I can not turn off my brain.
A dear friend is dealing with health issues with her son, that causes me to be more thankful every day for the things that I do not have to deal with, that what I do have to deal with. Her pain is my pain as I know the love a mother has for her child only wanting the best for him. I want to step in and somehow change what is happening to this amazing little boy who has somehow become my own son's "best friend". But sadly, I can not. I tell us both- that God is great physican and can heal whom he chooses but I am left at a loss at the posssiblity that what is happening is the will of the almighty for the greater good. It is hard to see the road for the bumps and potholes along the way. I want to believe and need to believe that soon there will be a smooth ride, at least long enough for us to heal and breathe again.
The straw that broke my back tonight is getting the word that someone who has unknowingly affected my life has been sticken with cancer. She is a mother of four, with her youngest being a year and several months older that my baby. Still a baby himself, forming memories and just beginning his life. This beginning is that of his mother fighting for her life so that she can see his life,and the life of her other babies, as they grow-up. Yes, I said babies because even as they grow somehow those children, teen-agers and adults still always manage to be your "babies" becuase of the place they hold in your heart. My heart aches in an amazing way for this mom of four as I pray and ask God to be merciful to her and that family. It is going to be a hard road, one I am praying that I never have to journey on myself. A road that I will journey down in prayer for this person and trusting in God's amazing abilites to touch her and health her and help her to handle all that this means. As I pray for her as a woman, a mother and a wife. I will pray for her kids- that God will shield them for the pain of this disease and allow them only to feel and remember things that will give them positive purpose for His will in thier lives. I will pray for he husband- the man she wants to spend her life with and grow old with. That God will grant that wish for the both of them. I will pray for those around her to uplift her on a daily basis and to help her to see that for some reason, God will be glorfied through this madness!!
It is after midnight now, and I wish I had more clarity. Alas, I do not. I do know this: No matter what God is Good. Circumstances are not. Life is not. Things can turn out exactly in the opposite direction as you thought they would...but if I went through all of this without God and the prospect of heaven. I would certainly go crazy instead of just wondering if I am going crazy!

Getting Back on the Wagon

So it was no secret that when I got pregnant with Konnor I began a DWIT (do what ever it takes) diet to help him get the nutrition he needed. Where in I developed a certain affection for chicken nuggets...hmmmm, protien indeed!! However, the calories and fat grams where completely off the charts and this aided in my necessary weight gain.
Now that reality has set back in, I need to settle back into my high protien, low/no sugar, low fat/low carbohydrate life style that has aided me to loose all of this weight. To admit that I am scared is a mere understatement! What if I can not reclaim my eatting? What if I can not achieve my goal weight? What if.. What if.. What if????? I am plagued with what if's about my currently eatting situation and I feal as if the world is watching me to see if I can indeed do what I set out to do by meeting my goal weight of 179 pounds.
As I sat there at my sister's this evening, of course eatting her famous chip dip, I asked what would be the harm in maintain my currently 203 pound status instead of trimming the fat and continueing down my weight loss journey?After all, everyone says I look great and I feal pretty great so what would be the harm in staying where I am???
Her answer: Nothing! There would be no harm in staying where I am, it is a heck of alot less that 379 pounds! To hear her say what I have been thinking gave me a sense of relief. It also gave me a sense of purpose: I do not have loose any more weight since my weight is no long my identity. It is a number on a scale but does not define me. I am now free to be me: Kristy; Mommy, Wife of one husband, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, saved by grace and so much more but no longer my weight!! I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off of me!!
Yet, I felt challenged. I set a goal for myself and why shouldn't I achieve it?? I have never achieved a goal I have set for myself, and don't I deserve to achieve my dreams??? I never completed college or ran a marathon or become a photographer,or a published author or traveled around Europe, all dreams I had hope to bring into existence. In the same vain of comparisson, I have accomplished things that I did not know I wanted- to get married, to serve my mate with thoughtfulness and compassion, to have children and to stay at home with them, serve my Lord and Savior with passion and humility, to care of our aging population, and to become healthy.
So, I have choosen to finish what I have started for once and loose that last 24 pounds. After all, I have already lost 177 pounds, shouldn't I be able to loose a mere 24???? The answer is yes!! I have all the tools and knowledge and have already started down the path, not I just have to continue down the road. As today is Sunday, the day in which every new week begins for all bible based christains, I look to Monday as the beginning of the "work" week. What will I work on this week???
I will work on getting in at least 64oz's of water everday. I will take my vitamens and supplements everyday. I will eat my meals without drinking and will not drink for 15 minutes after eatting. I also will eat my protien first and will eat two bites of protien to evey one bite of complex carbohydrates on my plate. I will track my food in a journal and figure out how many calories/fat grams/ carbohydrates I am eatting and work on getting those in check for the following week. I will make it a commitment to get to the gym at least two times this week. Those are the things I would like to work on this week. These are all things I can control, and know that if I am to meet my big goal I must first start by meeting little ones.

I am not Carnie Wilson!!!!

This morning I had a hand full of dorittos for breakfast, and I felt completely justified in reaching into the red bag of carbohydrates because it was the third night this week that I was up throughout the night with both boys for one reason or another. I am completely wiped out both physically and emotionally.
There is so much going on in my life right now, and it seems almost impossible to stop myself from "worrying" over everything!! If I am awake I am thinking and if I am asleep, I am dreaming about what I should be thinking about if I were awake. It is a horrorible circle of anxiety that I do not seem to be able to shake, which is totally effecting my weight loss.
To back the train up a little, I had Konnor is October and with in a few weeks most of my "baby weight" was gone, give or take 10 pounds or so. Then, on December 11 I went to the ER because I was experiencing some pain in the upper right quaderant of my stomach, and stayed there for 6 days as they removed my gallbladder. It was an open procedure, and because of my gastric bypass, I left the hospital with a T-Tube and a JP drain, and thirty two staples and various holes and cuts in my stomach.
Earlier this week, I sat in my living room recently discharged from my activity restriction watching Dr. Oz. I love Dr. Oz! He is a no nonsense kinda Dr and he typically puts his heart where is mouth is and speaks from there.His guest this day was Carnie Wilson.
Encase you are not familiar with Carnie, she was a member of the group Wilson Phillips in the 80's and her dad is Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. She, like me, has been battling her weight since early childhood. In 1999, she broadcasted her gastric bypass over the internet and lost alot of weight. Her very public battle with weight has been a source of strength and comfort for me as I also battled obesity. Since becoming an active member in my own life again, I stopped keeping track of Carnie.
To say I was shocked to see her again was an understatement!! I was completely unprepared to see that she has gained back alot of her weight and was know asking Dr. Oz for his help to get off the up and down rollercoaster her weight had been on. I watched the show in a stunned silence, and mulled over the shows contense for the rest of the day. It is very rare that I am moved by a daily talk show, but this particular day I could not get the recent picture of Carnie Wilson out of my mind verses the memory of the black and white photo I took standing in our apartment in the early morning hours before my own gastric bypass.
Today, I weigh 203 pounds. Which is exacly nine pounds heavier than my prepregnancy weight. For a normal person, a nine pound weight gain after pregnancy would probably be cause for celebration. However, for someone who had has a life long weight battle, nine pounds is only a few pounds away from that person I never want to become again!!!
It took me several days to come to terms with the realization that I am not Carnie. Although we share many common food issues, I simply will not allow myself to go back there!!! Ever!!!! Over the next days and weeks, I will get back to my protien shakes, tracking my calories/fat grams and exerising. I will tack my progress and I will succeed!!!!!!!

Konnor Ryman has arrived!!!

This is me as I changed from my beautiful powder blue baby foot print maternity shirt and way too tight pregnancy jeans into this wonderful hospital gown. The photo was taken moments before I was whisked away into the surgery room to meet our beautiful little bundle of joy. If I look huge in this picture, it was because I was huge!! I gained 45 pounds during this pregnancy, which made Dr. F elated but me not so much! Sigh, I made it my mission to gain enough weight to have a healthy baby and as I walked into the surgical room I was prepared for the birth of a small baby due to my gastric bypass.





Konnor Rymon was born Tuesday, October 6th at 8:42 am and weighed 7lbs 4oz's and 19 1/4 inches long. I held my breath as I heard him cry for the first time and waited until they announced his weight... 7 pounds?! Did they say 7 pounds 4 ounces??? That was just one ounce smaller than his brother!! He was not a small baby after all!!! I felt relieved, my weight gain was not for nothing!! Tears filled my face, as I breathed a sigh of huge relief.. I guess I did not realize how scared I was.. I made the decision to have weight loss surgery to save my life so that I could be a mother to Korbin. However, I had never anticipated that those same decisions would effect the life of dream I had prayed for so long. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days, and came home Friday evening.


Life began swirling around me and I tried to breast feed for the first time, although Konnor was our second child, Korbin was completely bottle feed. I was exhausted but exhilarated, I contemplated giving up at least once a day. My breast were so sore and I was only getting an hour or two of sleep at a time, not to mention the stress I was under since Konnor was rapidly loosing weight. We took him to the doctor every week for six weeks to have his weight checked, every time to be the potential time that they would hospitalize him for failure to thrive.

This is Konnor at three months old, approximently 12 1/2 pounds. When Konnor was 2 months old, I was hospitalized for 6 days to have my gallbladder removed. During which time, I had to stop breast feeding and Konnors weight began to sky rocket with the formula!! He is a wonderful baby, always happy and generally smiling!!

God has truly blessed me beyond measure and I am so thankful to be a mommy again. To date, I have lost all but 9 pounds of my "baby weight" and look forward to continuing my weight loss journey! It won't be easy, but I know that if I can loose 177 pounds and I loose that last little bit to get to my goal weight. Weight loss surgery for me was not a quick fix but the answer to a life long battle, which did not end on the day of surgery but merely just began.

We have a date!!!!

At 33 1/2 weeks we were given a date today for our repeat c-section: Tuesday, October 6th @ 8am. The moment was kind of surreal as I sat by while Denise; the ob/gyn nurse called the scheduling department at the hospital.

When I was pregnant with Korbin, the time in which he was to enter the world was completely out of our hands and we waited eagerly for my contractions to start or my water to break so we could head to the hospital. However, the time for our newest little blessing to enter the world is now a date on the calender. We wait, again, with eager anticipation although this time it feels alot different.As if we are waiting for Christmas to arrive, we will watch the calender days slip by, happily waiting for one of the two best presents we will ever receive.

Korbin's birth was filled with drama and anxiety, much like the pregnancy I had with him. This pregnancy, although dramatic at times, as been pretty text book and uneventful. Which is what I am praying his birth will be like, so even from the very moment of "Boomer's" arrival we can celebrate and bond together as a new family of four.

I am excited, nervous and overwhelmed! It seems as if we have been waiting for this forever, and now the days are rapidly approaching!! I stand in the door way of what will be "Boomer's" room and try to imagine me rocking him, or looking at him through the slot's in his crib. Yet, all I can see through my minds eye is those moment's that I experienced with Korbin.

For three long years, I prayed for this child and begged God to give us another child to share our lives with. Having Korbin was the scariest yet most amazing experience I had ever willingly participated in. I knew from the first single second I found out the he existed, that I loved him. That loved consumed my very being the moment I looked from his dark blue eyes after 72 hours of the worst pain I had ever felt to my husbands handsome face. For the second time in my life, I fell in love.

My love for this amazing gift began as I fell to my knee's on the bathroom floor as I looked into the toilet seeing it's red contense stare back at me knowing that the tests confirm that I was indeed almost 10 weeks pregnant. I prayed and cried and begged, again, God to spare his or her life. That I loved this child and wanted him or her unconditionally. God tested my resolve as I layed on the couch for weeks, painfully aware that there was nothing I could do other than to wait upon Him; the giver and taker of life.

As each day past, and with each visit I heard a heart beat or seen the tiny spine that God knitted together inside my womb on the video screen, I stopped holding my breath and started rejoicing. I was actually going to have another baby!!!!!!!!!!! My fear turned into joy, incredible joy, and my tears turned into laughter with the anticipation of giving my baby a baby brother or sister to grow up with. Although, I had convinced myself that "our" baby was a girl, I knew somewhere deep inside that we were having a boy and realized that as the ultrasound tech announced her proud findings. Then again, I knew I loved him.

Now, as his parents, Rod and I face great uncertainty of not know when Rod will have a job or how we will provide the very basic necessities so many other new or second time parents take for granted. It is very scary, and I find myself often facing my fear head on. Yet, I know somewhere deep inside that things will be ok, as I look around this room anticipating the love and amazement that I felt with Korbin re manifesting it's self within my soul telling me once again, I love this little person whom I have never met more than I could ever articulate.

We have a date to see who our new little miracle looks like, and what his personality will be, and to experience the joys of parenthood all over again! We have a date.... I can hardly wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Shower

Saturday, August 15th was our baby shower given by my sister, Rhonda and my friend Karen,and her mom Brenda. My Mamaw Collins, my friend Serena, mother in law and sister in law helped with the food. It was a beautiful shower and it was something I would have given myself. Gone are the thoughts. "Wow! I wish I had a beautiful shower like...." because now I have had one and I am sooo thankful!! Through my close friends and church family, God met alot of our needs for our new little blessing! I can cross off one item on my God here is my problems list.

As I sat down to write this article, I thought about cataloging all of the drama that surrounded having a second shower despite my boys are five years apart in age or that my husband has been off work for 9+ months now. Or how people selfishly hurt my fealings because they felt the need to make a point at a time in my life where I am already overwhelmed and stressed. However, when I thought about where to begin, I thought I would begin at the ending which is the most important part- God provided!

When I propped up my swollen ankles and grabbed my checklist of needs, I crossed off all that I had listed except for 6-8 things!!! For the second time that day, I wiped away the tears that fell from my face and thanked the Lord for His goodness for using the people that DID show up and DID support me.

I wish I could tell you that the hurt I felt from the others just magically disappeared, however, it did not. But what did happen was that I was filled with an amazing pity for such selfish people! I was overwhelmed by God's grace and love for even them, and if He could forgive more than what I knew about them how could I not? Have I forgotten? No! The devil see's it fit to remind me daily and I must make a decision daily to forgive them yet again. Through this forgiveness, I am shown God's grace over and over again!!!!

It was an amazing shower, I missed several of my friends that could not be there to celebrate with me because of a multitude of honest reasons. Yet, I rejoiced with each person who walked through the door and filled my day with love and support in a time I truly needed them most.

As I look through the items, I give thanks for each thing and say a silent prayer for each giver and pray that the Lord will bless them double for those who gave sincerely from their heart. I now have bottles, diapers and many other necessities that I was fearful that I would not have for this little miracle that I had for Korbin.

I now look to his birth with more anticipation instead of fear, that he will not pay a price for what our circumstances are at this time. No, the timing of his arrival is not perfect and no child's is. No one ever is completely ready or has enough money or enough space or has checked off this or that from their bucket list. However, Rod, Korbin and myself are thankful everyday for "our" baby and can not wait for this little guy to turn our whole world on it's ear as any baby inevitably does. 7 weeks to go and I can not wait...

Problem here is my God!!!

A friends facebook status struck me in a unique way, " Instead of saying 'God here is my problem' say "Problem here is my God'!".
So as I sat down to do my devotion, I found my self making a list of my current problems:
1.) Rod needs a job that is close to home with good pay and good benefits so that I can stay home with the kids and finish my degree.
2.) The money to pay our current bills ie, the car payment, the DTE bill, the cable bill and the rent.
3.) The money to buy Korbin clothes and shoes to start school in and necessary school supplies
4.) The money to purchase the necessities for the baby along with diapers and formula(if necessary).
Of course, as I look over this short list, I realize that this is not all of my current problems but these are the most pressing ones and top on the priority list.
Rod & I have praying over these problems for the last 8 months since he has been laid off from work. As I look as the list again, I realize that these problems are nothing new to God, we have talked with Him about these before. However, the urgency we have now is different than it was say 3 months ago.
Our baby is due in 10 short weeks, and there are things that we desperately need for him, that we simply can not afford on the money unemployment is providing. We are thankful for the unemployment, however, we are already working on a deficient that reviles the national debt much less purchasing bottles, a highchair, bedding, etc, etc.
As well as Korbin is starting school in 5 weeks. We were blessed that that last I purchased clothes that were a little big on Korb, so that this summer they would fit. So, we did not have to buy any clothes to outfit him for the summer, however, this fall we do not have the same option. His shoes are to small, his underware are getting too tight and his white undershirts look like something guys would have worn in the "Let's get Physical" music video in the 1980's.And the list of clothing and school supply list seems overwhelming. Yet, when I think of all of this all I can do is choke back the tears and emotions as I relive the years and years of hearing my mom say that my list of needs would have to wait because we simply did not have the money. A phrase I was praying not to have to use abundantly with my kids. Plus, I had a grand vision of the first time Korbin had to go school shopping the three of us would make a day of it and create a fun memory of getting our first child ready to go to school.
My stomach tightens as I fight off the physical manifestation of the stress, I glance back at the list. Faith and trust are easy when you are in mountain top scenario's when life is going great but it is a daily battle when your in the battle of your life. It is moments like these I wonder if God views my faith as weak or strong? As of late, I feal very weak; physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I simply can not fight this fight alone! Silently, I say to myself "Problem here is MY God, and Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"
I am not sure when our answers are coming, and some days I am not sure if the answers are coming at all, but I know that God has a plan. There have been times that I can look back over this journey as see exactly what His plan was, but these days I am looking though mud covered glasses and need clarity.
Some how in some way, I know that things are going to work out. They have too!! In God's word is says that He has come to give us life, and Give it more abundantly... it is a promise that I hold on to tightly. That is trial will not last forever no matter how long it seems, again I say to myself "Problem here is my God" and do my best to turn the entire problem over to Him. Even though I recognize that my attempts are weak and feeble at best.
Then, as if I am in a movie where the ending is always happy, a song fills my soul and I can not help but hum along " I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus, I can not handle these burdens alone. I must Jesus, I must Jesus, Jesus can help me. Jesus alone." I wipe the tears off the page of my bible, and thank the Lord for His abundant grace and mercy: Problem HERE is MY God!