This morning I had a hand full of dorittos for breakfast, and I felt completely justified in reaching into the red bag of carbohydrates because it was the third night this week that I was up throughout the night with both boys for one reason or another. I am completely wiped out both physically and emotionally.
There is so much going on in my life right now, and it seems almost impossible to stop myself from "worrying" over everything!! If I am awake I am thinking and if I am asleep, I am dreaming about what I should be thinking about if I were awake. It is a horrorible circle of anxiety that I do not seem to be able to shake, which is totally effecting my weight loss.
To back the train up a little, I had Konnor is October and with in a few weeks most of my "baby weight" was gone, give or take 10 pounds or so. Then, on December 11 I went to the ER because I was experiencing some pain in the upper right quaderant of my stomach, and stayed there for 6 days as they removed my gallbladder. It was an open procedure, and because of my gastric bypass, I left the hospital with a T-Tube and a JP drain, and thirty two staples and various holes and cuts in my stomach.
Earlier this week, I sat in my living room recently discharged from my activity restriction watching Dr. Oz. I love Dr. Oz! He is a no nonsense kinda Dr and he typically puts his heart where is mouth is and speaks from there.His guest this day was Carnie Wilson.
Encase you are not familiar with Carnie, she was a member of the group Wilson Phillips in the 80's and her dad is Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. She, like me, has been battling her weight since early childhood. In 1999, she broadcasted her gastric bypass over the internet and lost alot of weight. Her very public battle with weight has been a source of strength and comfort for me as I also battled obesity. Since becoming an active member in my own life again, I stopped keeping track of Carnie.
To say I was shocked to see her again was an understatement!! I was completely unprepared to see that she has gained back alot of her weight and was know asking Dr. Oz for his help to get off the up and down rollercoaster her weight had been on. I watched the show in a stunned silence, and mulled over the shows contense for the rest of the day. It is very rare that I am moved by a daily talk show, but this particular day I could not get the recent picture of Carnie Wilson out of my mind verses the memory of the black and white photo I took standing in our apartment in the early morning hours before my own gastric bypass.
Today, I weigh 203 pounds. Which is exacly nine pounds heavier than my prepregnancy weight. For a normal person, a nine pound weight gain after pregnancy would probably be cause for celebration. However, for someone who had has a life long weight battle, nine pounds is only a few pounds away from that person I never want to become again!!!
It took me several days to come to terms with the realization that I am not Carnie. Although we share many common food issues, I simply will not allow myself to go back there!!! Ever!!!! Over the next days and weeks, I will get back to my protien shakes, tracking my calories/fat grams and exerising. I will tack my progress and I will succeed!!!!!!!