The Diagnosis

I sat in the doctors office crying and feeling foolish as well as overwhelmed. For the past three days it took everything I could to get off the couch and do the very basics of life. I looked forward to nothing else than returning to the couch, I hurt everywhere and I wanted to cry but I feared the pain. I wish I could say it was the first time I felt like that but it wasn't. I happened more and more often over the last couple of months and I was beginning to believe that it was not normal to feel this way and it was more than "stress".
The doctor acted compassionate in the beginning, smiling kindly and giving me Kleenex to wipe my face. He told me my symptoms we common with something called Fibromyalgia.
I stared blankly at him for what seemed like forever. The other doctors I has seen had just written me off with a prescription for pain medicine and I honestly thought that I was just hooked on it. It was a total God thing that I got to see this particular doctor, the doctor I normally see was completely booked and he was the only one available. I was feeling so poorly I would have said yes to almost anyone!
"It is not fair that I feel so bad all the time to my kids and husband," I sobbed. We had been so much with Rods unemployment, the kids food allergies and now this?! " Its not fair to you." The doctor said kindly. "Your blood test are all normal except for your B-12 is less than half for someone your age, and your Red Blood Cell count is low. You meet the rest of the criteria for Fibromyalgia. So that is my official diagnosis."
 I left his office with mixed emotions. Part of me was relieved and another part completely scared to death. With an official diagnosis, it was not just me.  And if it was not just me then there was actually something wrong with me.
I came home pale as a ghost but I felt very hot & flustered. I told Rod what the doctor had said, and slowly began to recount what he had said. Rod asked me about prescriptions and this is where the compassionate doctor became a monster. He had given me a paper prescription and I dropped it off on the way home. Minutes into my conversation with Rod, the phone rang and it was the pharmacy, saying the doctor electronically sent my prescription somewhere else and the insurance was rejecting it because it was already filled. For the next 45 minutes, Rod and I called every pharmacy in the area. Finally we located the medication and an hour and a half later, my loving husband picked it up and I thought the confusion was over.
Later the next week, I called the doctors office to explain the confusion with the paper prescription and the electronic prescription.  The doctor called back several hours later completely irate!! He yelled, ranted and raved how dare I attempt to fill two prescriptions?? All he did was listen, and attempt to help me and this was how I respected his position?? "There was obviously something more to the story," the doctor yelled into the phone " and I am cancelling all medication coming out of this office until I can figure out what your up too" his voice boomed over the phone. All I could do was cry, and I sobbed into the phone calling Rod trying to explain what has just occurred. My head throbbed and I was so overwhelmed. I thought I was doing the right thing by calling and trying to explain what was going on...
Rod tried to calm me down, but he was at work. He told me quickly to find another doctor and make an appointment and we would discuss the rest when he got home. I know he felt terrible with his quick response to my tears, but I understand and we need this job!!
Later that afternoon, I got myself together enough to make a couple of phone call and found a new doctor specializing in women's health and had a new appointment within 10 days. I felt a little better with this, it was just surviving until then...
The next couple days were painful both physically & emotionally. But through the grace of God I made it.
I seen a Nurse Practitioner, she was a female doctor, and she spent almost an hour and a half reviewing my medical history and talking treatment plans with me. I liked her. She spoke kindly to Konnor,and I walked out feeling like there was hope for me.
Until I made a follow up appointment and that is when she"needed" me to try this antidepressants.
I know & understand that these are a normal course of treatments for fibromyalgia. I had done some reading by then and was starting to understand a few things. But I was extremely uncomfortable with this. Reluctantly, I agreed but had severe side effects.
I made a 3rd appointment, now this time to review the medication and to talk about my newly developed sinus infection.
3 rounds of antibiotics, and 2 different antidepressants with severe side effects, and one month later I am still in alot of pain.
I put on a brave face, and smile but I hurt. Alot.
I am down, not out. My God is bigger than a diagnosis and once I can get the pain under control I will be able to think more clearly and come up with a plan that suites me!
Until then, I will pray (alot) and focus on God and His goodness. He has brought us through so much and I know now from where we have been that He has this and nothing happens without first sifting through his hands!!
~Kristy~