Never Let Go

I remember stomping through the house like a raving lunatic! "If one more person asks me how I am doing I am going to loose it on them!"

I had just spent 10 days in the hospital and it was days before Christmas; we had almost nothing for the boys, no groceries, I had tubes sticking out of my stomach in various places, I had a new born I could no longer nurse because of medication from the surgery and Rod was still unemployed. How did people think I was doing???

Just like when you whack your thumb with a hammer, and you scream at the top of your lungs, someone inevitably comes running into the room and asks are you ok? You yell "No I am not ok!" and people often shake their heads in agreement. They get it.

But when things are falling apart, and you want to scream I am not ok! Too many people shake their heads in disgust and mumble something about I thought SHE was a Christan?! Well darn it, I am a Christan and I say its time that we stop asking people to pretend things are fine when they aren't!!

Rods unemployment was a very dark time for he & I both, and I would often go to church sobbing looking for comfort and direction. Instead I would get a lecture about my faith is not strong enough and I am not trusting God enough or I must be "sinning" and I need to repent from my sins so that God will bless us again. Instead of being encouraged at church, I would often walk away more discouraged and more forced to pretend that things were ok. ( This one of the reasons we changed churches, encase you were wondering).

Inside I was screaming, THINGS ARE NOT OK!!

I needed a hug. I needed kindness. I needed compassion. I needed understanding. I did not need someone to know what to say, or even do. I just needed someone to be there, and maybe even pray with me or point me back to the Cross. But the last thing I needed was another person asking me if I was ok?!

Later, I learned that alot of our trials were not even about us. They were about those watching us and many, many, many told me that as they watched me struggle the were encouraged because I was real. I knew God had all that I needed and could/would bring us through what we are enduring but my feelings were very real and I often had more questions than answers. My faith was never really an issue, I knew my faith was sincere and alive, as well as my trust. Yet, this is where my faith and trust was put into action, regardless of my feelings and questions, at the end of this day this is what I clung too.

Somewhere in the middle of this, I stopped looking at me and mine, started looking at God. Regardless of what was going on, my creator deserved my worship. Honestly, in the very beginning this was just a decision. Today for x amount of minutes, I was not going to ask for anything I was just going pray and thank God for who He is.Some days I just sat there with nothing to say, just listening for something ANYTHING. It was never that God was not good or I did not have something to worship about or give thanks for, but I was hurting so much, I could not do or say anything.

That seemed to go on forever!

Yet, something seemed to be changing in me. I did not notice it at first, because life was still whirling around me. Then one day at church, it happened. The most amazing worship service I had ever experienced!! At that time I put off all the pain, heartache, questions and confusion and just stood in the presence of the Lord. I knew I was changed forever, even if my circumstances did not change or even got worse. The song that plays in my head forever from that day is Never let go.

 

 

 

God never let's go, and it just kinda clicked!

Today, we are on the other side of Rod's unemployment storm. I seen how God cupped us in His hands and carried us through the storm. But there is always another storm just around the corner.

If you have not endured a storm yet, one is coming.

Or maybe you are enduring a storm right now or know someone how is.

You do not have to have all the answers or know what to say, especially to God. Its all right to cry out to Him. You are important to God, He gave His son to repair the gap that sin caused so that we can have a relationship with Him. He wants us to talk to Him, and just as a parent on earth will stop what he or she is doing because their child is that important to them regardless of what else is going on or who else is important to them, so will your Heavenly Father. You mean that much too Him!!

Even if you have never talk to Him before, He is waiting for you! You can call on Him anytime!

Is ok to be mad, hurt, angry or scared. One of the things that happened when Jesus came to earth is that He experienced human emotion. There is no feeling we have, that Jesus did not experience. He gets it! Talk to Him! He is the friend that sticks closer than a brother!

It is also ok to release emotion, talk to a friend, hit a punching bag, go for a run, get it outta your system! Its also ok to take some time to yourself to do this, your not being a bad____( fill in the blank) because you do. You need it!!

Lastly, this should be a gimme! If you are trying to be an encouragement to someone who is going through a storm, call or send an email but what ever you do do not ask HOW ARE YOU DOING??
My favorite thing someone said to me was, " Hey I was checking in on you and wanted to know how to pray?" You can also substitute ".. is there anything I can do to help out?" or "..let's get away from things for a bit. When can I pick u up for coffee or bring it over?" or "..if there is anything you need to talk about I am here to listen." Those are none offensive ways to encourage someone without slamming their fthumb with a hammer and asking if they are ok?

If you want to encourage someone and are not sure how, I found a list of a few things that may help:
Let me share with you a few techniques of encouraging others I have observed which works. I can pretty much vouch for each of these because they have been applied on me at one stage or another.

• Show genuine interest. I believe this is by far the most effective way of encouraging others. Let them know you care. Express genuine interest by asking questions. Get them talking. I find the act of talking and thinking can fire up the engines (roar!). With some hope and luck, this can lead to positive action. But don’t be fake about it and don’t go overboard.
• Acknowledge what’s important to them. When you acknowledge what’s important to others, you provide a form of affirmation and validation about who they are and what they’re doing. Whether they can admit it or not, each of them deep down craves this acknowledgement. The affirmation and validation is like nitro for their confidence and self-esteem.
• Say “Well done”. Nothing worth doing is ever easy. If it’s easy, then it’s not worth doing. Worthwhile things always takes time and effort. One good way of providing encouragement is simply by saying “Well done” or “Congratulations”. These magical Words of Encouragement at the right time can make all the difference between “keep going” and “give up”.
• Say “Thank you”. Common courtesy. Good manners. That what this tip is about. It’s only natural to expect a reward after hard work. It’s only natural to thank someone when they do something for you. You can start now. Thank your wife after she cooks a nice meal. Thank your friend for lending you that Stargate DVD. A simple thank you lets others know what they have done is worthwhile and meaningful to you.
• Reciprocate the favour. If someone does something nice for you, a great way to show your appreciation is simply to reciprocate the favour. Think of this as a pendulum. They do something nice for you. You do something nice for them. They do something nice for you. You do something nice for them. And so on…
• Respond with something unexpected. Another effective way to encourage others is to respond with something totally unexpected. Out of the blue. That’s when the maximum impact is delivered. Such acts can reach them at an emotional level and our brains are hard wired to respond to emotional things.
• Ask for advice or confide in them. This is like flattery. Haven’t you felt like you were on top of the world when your peers asked you for advice or confided in you about something personal or important to them? Didn’t that make you want to help and do everything you can to ensure their faith in you is well founded?
• Offer to lend a hand. Waiting for someone to ask you for advice is passive. You can be proactive by offering to lend a hand. If that person sees that you are willing to commit your own time and energy in their interests, they will be more committed to seeing it through and less likely to give up themselves.

In the midst of pain, we have to remember to look to the Heaven and know that God provided Noah a rainbow and He will provide one for us too, it is just hard to know how long our storms will last. But just as the lighting flashes in the sky indicating a storm is starting, it also has an ending point. A friendly act of encouragement and a gentle reminder to Never Let Go makes ALL the difference during these storms until the ending point arrives!!

~Kristy~

Dream a little Dream

Yesterday, we drove to Rod's parents after church for dinner.When we were first married, Rod & I would alternate on Sundays going to my mamaw's for lunch or his parents. Sometimes if my dad was home, we would go there. Over the years, things have come up and this has kinda dwindled.

From church to my In-Laws house, it is roughly an hour or so. After a quick stop at Rite-Aid for juice, vitamin H20 and coffee we were on our way. With the boys listening to the new Kutless CD, we turned up the music and headed north.

Rod grabs my hand and kisses my fingers like he often does, and askes what we thought we were going to do for our TENTH ANNIVERSARY this summer. Ten years?! Where has the time gone???

The last time we did anything for our anniversay was the year we got married, and went on our honeymoon. This was also the last time we took a vacation. So the prospect of going away is thrilling! The question at hand is do we do something alone or as a family? Just as we have not been on a vacation in 10 years, our 3 & 8 year olds have never been on vaction!

After a few minutes of discussion we decided to take a week-end to ourselves; a 3 day week-end, and then take a full weeks vacation as a family!

I smiled at Rod and a quick glace from the road to return my smile as he squeezed my hand, it was finally ok to dream again. Its sad to say that before now, I can not remember the last time we sat together and dreamed.

It was fun!

Before we knew it the hour drive was over, but the happiness that dreaming brought lasted through out the day. Dinner was nice, Rods mom made steak ( for Korbin) and spaghetti ( for Konnor). I like eatting dinner with Rod's family because we sit at the table and pass things around, talking and just having some family time. It reminds me of being a kid and eatting dinner with my Dad & Step-Mom.  I like that they boys have this sense of family and learn some life skills from this experience.

I would be remissed if I said it is perfect sitting around the dinner table every time. But when the boys are older, I am praying that the good memories far out weigh the bad and the bad have a learning purpose in their lives. Like any family we have our ups & downs, the more I pray regarding direction as well as my place in this family, I see God working and changing hearts. I have along way to go to be where I need to be in this family, but to know God is working gives me motivation to continue to try and pray for continued growth and change.

Yesterday, was a great day around the dinner table and the spark in my husbands eye was still there as we cleaned the table.

Dreaming gave us hope.

I was reminded of Rod's mom favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 " I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". It was nice to have a hope for the future again!!

On the way home, we picked up our conversation where we left off and landed on a destination for our family trip. This made my heart happy and seemed to agree with our family as it gave us a peaceful tone for the rest of the night.

Even today, it makes me smile to think about it. Its not necessarily the vacation that is warming my heart but the time together making memories, and the hope for the future, that is giving me joy.

Joy unspeakable and full of Glory, because God kept his promise. " If you have faith the grain of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain." We kept our faith, and He moved our mountains.

~Kristy~

Goals for 2013

Things have been so off kilter lately that I have not focused on  my goals for 2013.

Notice I said goals not resolutions?

Resolutions seem to let you off the hook when you give up or fail, but goals seem more permant and achievable.

Even when I did resolutions, I did them starting Febrauary 1st rather than January 1st because in Jan., I was still running from the Holidays and I never got to sit down and focus on the task at hand. I was cleaning, restocking, reorganizing and just plan ol' feeling overwhelmed from a month of craziness.

As Febrauary is fastly approaching, I decided I needed to focus on my goals for this new year:

1.) Get Organized

2.) Get Fit & Feeling Better

3.) Get to reading my bible from cover to cover

4.) Get to doing devotions with my boys before school in the morning

5.) Get to putting "Mommy" back on the list

6.) Get to Living the Abundant, Joyful life God has intended for me & my family.

I chose 6 this year because that is one to work on/accomplish every other month this year! I will outline more in another post about how I am going to accomplish each other of these, and what I would like to accomplish through these goals.

These are goals that I believe are easily accomplishable but will lead to great growth for me, as an individual. As well as me as a wife and mother.

I know that some people are thinking that 2013 will be a year filled with bad luck for them because of "13" but I believe that it is lucky number 13 and I know God has great things in store for me and my family this year!!!

I can not wait to share God's blessing's with you through my writtings and I am privilaged that God has allowed me to write in such a manor that encourages others. It is my sincerest prayer that I can encourage you this year, and May God be All the Glory!!

~Kristy~

How did I get here????

For the last week or so I have been having some rather intense pain where my gallbladder use to be. Is was mind boggling at first, then Rod reminded me that the general surgeon who removed my gallbladder originally said that since my common bile duct(cbd) was littered with stones that I was at a high rate of having them reoccur.

I was at the Rheumatologist the first visit, and mentioned it to him. He told me to follow up with my pcp. I like the rheum doc, he was thorough and said that he thought that maybe my symptoms were from something other than Fibromyalgia. He sent me for blood work, and they took 7 viles of blood. I will see him in 4 weeks to go over the results unless there is something that comes back urgent in the blood work.

I assumed at the pcp I would need an ultrasound and went in prepared for such. My weight was 238, which is down from 241 before Christmas. Its hard to believe that in 10 days I will be celebrating my 5 year anniversary for my wls. I would like to be at 235 by the end of the month. Which leaves me 35 to loose getting me back to my pre-pregnancy weight. It has taken me more time than I would have liked to get there, but things have not exactly been easy around here and the stress made it easier to retain the weight rather than loose. I know, because as Rod has gone back to work the weight has began to come off again with minimal changes.

Anyways, the doctor took my vitals and after a short conversation brought in a EKG machine. I nearly passed out!! The room began to spin and I had to sit down and put my head between my knee's. My blood pressure was 142/90 and my pulse was 101. With a family history of both my mother and grandfather dying of heart attacks in their early 40's, they did not waste anytime checking my heart.

I received a call in the middle of the night on May 10th, 1999. It was mother's day and I had gone home the day before to spend time with my mom since I had to work that day. I had gotten angry with her because I wanted to take her to dinner and she did not feel like going, so we ordered in from Big Boy. Then I headed back to my dorm at EMU. The call came from my sister whom I was determine never to speak to again prior to this because of some things that were exchanged between her &I. She was frantic and said that they could not get mom awake. Little did I know at that time, the coroner had already been there, pronouncing her dead. I drove from Ypsilanti to Allen Park the fasted I had ever driven in my life, praying that the police did not stop me. They did not and I knew God had provided, as I pulled down the street I seen a police officer sitting outside my parents house. He seen my car pull up and stepped outside of his; that is when I knew....

As I laid on the table while they preformed the EKG and wondered how I got there. I lost a ton of weight and reversed my Type 2 Diabetes's and I never smoked and had not had Alcholin years. I exercise on a regular basis, and drink alot of water. My cholesterol and triglyceride's are good and my all accounts, I am healthy. How did I get here???

Tears streamed down my face, and the nurse looked sympathetic. It has been my sincerest prayer that God allow me to raise the boys He has entrusted me with, I have seen first had what happened to kids when they loose a parent too early. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be with my Lord & Savior in Heaven but everything to do with being a good steward of the blessings of God's blessing's and wanting to finish the job as parent before I pass from this life into the next.

All I could think of is that Konnor is only 3 and if something happens to me now, he will never remember me!!

The nurse smiled kindly and informed me she was done and the doctor would be back in a few moments to talk to me. I prayed frantically and hugged the wide blue-eyed boy that stared at me in amazement. He could not possibly comprehend what was going on around he & I. I was thankful for that because I am not sure I understand what was going on myself.

The doctor knocked on the door and slide inside closing the door quietly behind her. She informed me that they EKG was fine but they were concerned about my BP and pulse rate since I am typically spot on. I whispered a prayer of thanks to God and continued to listen as the plan is to get an ultrasound of my epigastric region to see where the pain is coming from and then of my heart. Then to have a full cardiac work up, this year and every year from now on.

I was released to go home with the slip for the ultrasound and under strict orders to keep my bp down and not to stress over things. If I have "any problems" to head strait to the ER.

Of course I knew that I would be in for a round or two of panic attacks for the next day or two. Needless to say, I was a sleepless night for me and I prayed and tossed through out the night.

I was more than exhausted this  morning when I heard Rod rushing around to get out the door. I stood up and the room swarmed around me, and I sat again with my head between my knee's. My chest ached and I was struggling to understand if this was an anxiety attack or something more. I struggled for most of the morning with this, as I prayed and prayed asking God for guidance and clarity.

Then, I got a text: Roman's 1:17 "For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, The righteous shall live by faith.”  Pray it, believe it, and leave it. If you do not leave it then you do not believe it. All night long and I had been  praying and then continuing to worry. I was not praying and leaving it at the foot of the cross when I should have been, believe that no matter what God has a plan. It was gentle reminder from someone who did not know what I was struggling with, the righteous shall live by Faith..it was almost as if I could hear that still small voice inside of me saying, " Have faith..I got this!"

Sometimes we just need to believe that God hears and answers what your praying about, truly believe it. And it was a nice text to get, and I was grateful for it this morning.

Rod gave me strict instructions to rest today. So I did!! I read books with Konnor that I downloaded on my Kindle for him, and played with my camera that Rod got me for Christmas. It was a nice afternoon, and I was thankful for a day of rest in a weeks where is has been so busy, especially with not feeling well.

I do not know how I got here exactly, but I was thankful for God's little reminder today; live by faith!! I will have faith God has a plan, and although I may not know the answer right now I will live the faith that I have knowing He has the answers I need because He has EVERYTHING I need. Always!

~Kristy~

Dirt Under Our Fingernails

My small group is studying a book called Becoming More by Lysa Terkeurst. They started it last fall and with work & school, I was unable to attend but with a gift card over Christmas, I bought the book anyway to finish with the group.

 Chapter 17, Praying the Dangerous Prayers, struck a cord that resinates with me. Especially the paragraph midway through the chapter where the author writes,
" Just as God promised Jeremiah that He would bring His people back from exile, He will be faithful to draw our heart out of choas its grown accustomed too into the still sweet peace of His presence. " Then you will call upon me & come & pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, Declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity."( Italics mine) Jeremaih 29:12-14

The two words that struck me most there is Choas & Captivity.

Realizing lately that the choas of my life has held me captive from the plans to prosper that God talks about in Jeremiah 29:11,"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

For years, Rod & I were struggling to survive the day to day life of being unemployed and not having any idea where the basic necessities of life were going to come from. Alot of times it felt as if the pressure on us was so imense that we even struggled to breathe under the weight of the stress. We were in survival mode for so long, that now God had extended His grace and mercy to us and giving us the desires of our hearts, it still feals like I am struggling to breath.

I can tell you that I learned more about myself and my God during this time than I ever would have if this time had not existed. I can understand God's purpose in the pain, and looking back I can see some of His plan. Yet, now I sit here dealing with the after math of years of hard stress and uncertainty.

Over the past years I seen God do the amazing for us over & over again, providing food, shelter, clothes,friendship when in my humanity I thought all was lost. I guess knowing and seeing all that God has done for us and still living in the choas and capitivity of the past seems, for lack of better terms, a bit disrespectful and ackward.

I do not want to merely scratch the surface of the promise(s) Jesus offers us through out the entire bible but specifically when He says in Luke 11:9-10, " Ask and it will be given unto you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened unto you. For everyone asks recieves; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened".

I do not want the door Jesus has for me to be opend just a sliver, but I want to swing it wide and see ALL that God has for me!!

In this chapter Lysa says, "We want the promises but we do not want to get any dirt under our fingernails in the process. We want comfortable circumstances," Yep! Thats me! I often find myself clinching my eyes shut and begging God please do not make it hurt!!

Yet, I want to be used by God. I want to pray the Dangerous Prayers but I will admit I am scared to death, because it may hurt!! Lysa says, " The beauty of praying these dangerous prayers is inviting the divine presence into otherwise mundane moments. They are dangerous prayers not because they bring danger (or pain, in my case) into our lives but because they will not leave us unchanged!!"

I have no desire to live an unchanged or mundane life before the Lord, the bible says "you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth" in Revelations 3:15-16. To know that you have the amazing oppertunity to walk with the Lord and choosing only to dabble in His love or promises makes me horroribly sad for those who do that.

God offers more than just fire insurance against Hell. Whether our capitivity is is our own self-centeredness, fear of change or pain, doubts  or uncertainty, if you listen you can hear Him say that you are Free to hear from Him. Free to experience life with a loving Heavenly Father. Best of all, Free to become more like Him and less then the person who holds you captive; yourself.

I want God to change me this year, I am unsure if I believe in the whole resolution idea but I have always had goals and things I want to accomplish. I want to accomplish the unimaginable. I want to walk away from the things that haunt me & cause me pain to leave it at the foot step of God, the Father. To allow Him to lead me and help me to forgive and move for forward. To be the Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Auntie and Friend God has intended for me to be.

I will faulter and fail. I will have to repent and apologize. I will have to deny myself and allow God to work in me when my humanity is screaming, "Do it this way!". I know it may be dirty and forget getting dirt under my fingernails, I may have it up to my elbows!! But just as God can forgive my sins as far as the east is from the west, I know that He will clean up the mess that I make of things and help me to be who He wants me to be!!

~Kristy~

Saved by Grace

When I was younger my mom used to joke and say she failed mind reading class in High School. My mom did not finish High School, so that made this comment more funny coming from her rather than me, as almost college graduate.Yet, I find myself repeating this all the time.

In the same corresponding thought, never will  I achieved sinless perfection either. I get angry, hurt, and I lie, cheat and steal almost daily. I sin against the Father more often than I care to admit and I ashamed to say that I know I break His heart with my sin.

My "little" sin of lying Konnor that there is no more spicy pretzels, when I know there is a full bag behind the brown, oak cabinet door in the kitchen. Or when I tell Korbin to look I see super man to steal a french fry from his plate or when I step on the scale and cheat by moving around a little to get the number to look a little better than if I simply stood still. These are things we all do, but the bible says my sin is no different than your sin. No matter what it is.

The bible talks about pulling the plank out of your own eye before you go to someone else asking them about the plank in theirs. It seems to me that it would be nearly impossible to ever go to anyone about anything ever because we will never be sinless this side of heaven!! Yet, there is away to do this without seeming hypocritical or pompous.

The bible talks about loving your neighbor as yourself and going to speak to someone in love. Recognizing your own sins, whether it is the same sin or different sins, we all do it. It does not matter what it is or why the reason, God views all of our sins the same. By realizing that you are also a sinner, it brings a certain humility to your attitude and actions. It also shows that you are willing to extend to others the same grace that God offered to you.

That's me; Saved by Grace.

Without the Grace the God extended to me, I would be completely incompetent to do so much!! Philippians 4:13 says, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". See?? On my own accord, I could do nothing!

When I go to things I my own, I flop a & flub miserably.

I find that I especially flub when I do things out of anger instead of humility. The devil uses anger on this earth as a trigger point in so many of us, and it usually triggers other feelings that not only causes our anger to boil over and uses our insecurities, self doubts and many other emotions to make us spiral out of control. The devil thrives on chaos, since anger brings conflicting emotions, it creates chaos.

Jesus came to give us life and life more abundantly, not filled with anger & emotional chaos.

I want to live in the abundant life God has planned for me in 2013, not in emotional chaos the Devil causes for me. I want to live more in the Grace God has extended to me and that Jesus died for than the place where grace is just a word or a name, not an action. I want to be different in 2013, than I was in 2012, to be closer to the Lord. I want to be happier and to just be more "me".

Those who know me, really know me, are ok with me and love me for who I am. I have to get to the point where I view myself through God's eye's and love myself too.

Happy 2013, may the Lord bless you and may the face of the Lord shine upon you in this new year and bless you beyond your wildest dreams.

~Kristy~