I finally have a quiet moment to reflect on 2012, all it has brought and has not brought. To some, this post may be a little premature because most do their reflection on December 30/31, not November.
Did you read my post about passing the regret please? I decided to change it up a little instead of mourning over missed opportunities, I will celebrate what God has given and taken away.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The Lord laid out the plans for my family and I like a finely tuned instrument, and I just wanted to list a few of the little things that changed my life this year.
1.) I am not sure how my friendship with the Schim family started, but this family showed me what true worship true faith alone is. They put everything, I mean everything out there for God this year when the whole family spent 6 weeks in Costa Rica ministering and loving on people that had never met before. The youngest child being in middle school, sat night after night talking to a man trying to pursued him for Christ. He never gave up, never gave in and never was one of "those". Ya know "those" pushy people who have the right desire in their heart who knock on your door to tell you about God but their mannerism turn you off instead of on? Little G never did that, his honesty, sincerity and passion for this man, is what most adult men dream about doing by witnessing in this manor. I have to give it up to H, because she is a teen-age girly girl and she never once complained about sleeping on a floor, taking cold showers or washing people's feet like Jesus did. I do not know H as well as some, but I wish I was a teen-ager that followed that hard after her God and loved her parents enough to trust them to take her some place completely outta her comfort zone. My friendship with Mama H is astounding! She is that prayer warrior friend that every Christan should have. She helps pick me up when I am down, she never judges me and she has a crazy faith that I aspire to have. Their was a heart breaking moment in Costa Rica when she could have given up, packed up and came home. But instead she put her hand in the hand of God, and said, "For saking all, I trust you." Man! That is faith! On the flip side of crazy faith is her crazy husband, K. K along with another friend I will talk about later, has really I mean REALLY shown me how to worship!! I thought I knew how to worship before coming to Kirby Church but boy, was I wrong! I was hurting in my soul after leaving our last church, and a few things I experienced there. But through the friendship of the Schim family, I learned the true meaning of leaving at the alter from K. He has a crazy, mad passion for his Lord and Savior, and if you are with him for a moment you can feel something different about him. If you don't you should check you pulse, seriously! K brings the gospel to your front door in a manor you can "get it". K said once that he thought he missed the opportunity for his calling, but man friend!! I totally do not think so, you and your family have changed my life forever!!
2.) Small group. These women uplifted me in my darkest times. Sharing my secrets and my joys. I love these ladies!
3.)My husband. This year there was a point Rod was lower than I had ever seen or experienced before. I had no idea what I was doing, or how to continue to help him or if my help was hurting him. But God knew what he was doing. This is my blog, not my husbands. His story is his to tell, and for that reason I will not go into to much detail but one moment our life was flipped turned upside down and God totally changed "meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" (Genesis 50:20). Today Rod, although not perfect, it trying harder to "put of the old man" as Paul says in the book of Ephesians. I love to see him worship and some of our greatest moments in life these days, are spent side by side worshipping together at church. The "everyone service", changed us both forever, as well as the brotherhood Rod feels in his small group. I could not list these men even if I wanted too because what happens in small group stays in small group. It may sound silly to you, but it allows for a freedom that you can only describe once you have experienced. These men know who they are, and I am thankful for the friendship they have provided Rod.
4.) My wedding band it super loose because of my weight loss, and as a result I wear it on my middle finger. Never did I expect to loose it in the front yard on a very dark night. Rod & I searched for HOURS in the dark on our hands & knee's, only to come up with one of the two parts of the ring set. I cried most of the night, and begged God to please help me to find my ring! It was more than the ring, it was the symbol of what it meant that I needed to find. I reluctantly asked for prayer about finding a lost object, and K asked bluntly what did I loose?? Since I thought it was best not to lie in church, I told my Sunday morning class about my ring. During the second day of crawling around on our leaf filled lawn, two cars pulled up in front of our house and out poured my Sunday morning class and all of thier kids to help search through our lawn to find my ring. My heart was over flowing with the love I felt from my friends at that moment. Did you ever find a group of people you knew you were meant to be with?? That was the moment when down on my knees searching for my ring that my search became praise. When Rod & I left our last church, we lost many friends and I mourned the loss of their friendship for a long time. It was amazing how God had replaced those friendships 10 fold, with honest sincere friends who in our time of craziness never stepped back and through their hands up but joined in! My sincerest prayer is that my boys have friends like this when they are adults!
5.) Korbin's Testimony. We sat together on his bed trying to write out his testimony. It had to be his words, but for a 7 & 9/10ths year old boy putting your feelings into words is very, very hard! As he began to cry in frustration, I left him alone to be with his thoughts. After a few minutes, the words flowed and it was amazing to see God working through my baby. It was just as amazing to hear his word broadcast through out the church just moments before he was baptized.
6) God's perfect timing. Just 2 weeks before Rod's unemployment was do to run out completely, the Lord lead Rod to the right job. We received his very last UIA check the very day he started with the company he is at now. Of course, we are still praying that the temporary assignment will become permanent but we can very literally see that God will never leave us nor forsake us.
7.) On Wednesday night our church did a "move" service where everyone in the church changed places, the adults were where the kids usually were, the teens were where the adults had always been and the kids moved to the teens spot. In one of the rooms, Ms. W shared a very personal, private story about " Be Still and Know that I am God". Recently, I had purchased a small little plaque that quotes the scripture and I really was unsure why I had to have that particular item, but without thinking too long I purchase the 5.99 item and was on my way. It was clear to me that night, why God had laid on my heart that item and now He was using Ms. W's story to tell me again, "Be Still and Know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10).
It is clear to me now, that is post is meant to be one of several or it will be w a y too long. I will continue on again tomorrow, as we start a new month, I will continue to reflect on 25 little things!
~Kristy~
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Can you pass the regret please??
*This was written on Novemeber 12, 2012 but for some reason did not get published*
I sometimes feel like shame and regret sit on my table just like the salt and pepper shakers, and we pass them around sprinking them here, there and everywhere. Sometimes we have more and sometimes less, but we season our life with shame and regret instead of Gods abundant love and blessings which is not how our Lord intended us to live.
Someone told me once that Rod's unemployment was my fault because I did not allow him to spend our money in a certain manor. This particular person which speaking of tithing ( which is another story/topic for another time). Regardless what this persons intention was, I carried around the shame of putting my family in this perdicament and the regret of not doing what this person assumed was the right thing to do.
Let's start there; sometimes the right thing to do can become the wrong thing if it is done with the wrong attitude. God wants a cheerful giver. Even if I would have tithed but done so expecting something in return or in a spirit of duty rather than given freely out of God so freely gave to us, then there is no way to know that we still would not have ended up where we were in order for God to change our attitudes and our hearts to be closer to Him.
Which was ultimately God's plan, by the way.To bring Rod and I and our family into the right frame of worship that was acceptable and pleasing to Him, not just out of a sence of duty or obligation.
But in the midst of my regret, I could not see what God was saying, and doing in us and for us. I wish I would have read more of my bible during those times, I would have read " But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, Philippians 3:13"
If you look back in life and regret choosing a certain path, or mourn for missed opportunities, just stop thinking that way the moment you catch yourself doing that! I wish I would have done that more, realizing that this path is the path God had chosen for me and what ever choices I made in my "Free Will" most likely would have lead me here, because both God and I know that I do not learn things the easy way. Sad but true.
When you see missed opportunities and can redirect your regret, it means that you have become more mature, that you have made significant progress in term of insights and competence, and that you are able to achieve much more if you encounter similar situations again.
So the next time you see missed opportunities that you’d failed to see in the past, you should celebrate because it indicates that you have been growing. The more frequent and the sooner you spot missed opportunities that have passed you by, the more it indicates that you are rapidly improving and growing.
I look back ahead now and see that the place that I am in allows me to tithe in the right spirit because they do not focus on the obvious, money is so many peoples achilles heal and can cause more hurt, shame and regret than some people can ever begin to imagine. Instead they take thier need for money or goods, to God. Who is the giver of everything we have anyway right? So why not start with Him in your need to remove your regret, just as I did.
It is never easy! But part of removing past your regrets is forgiving yourself for missing oppertunities.
The Bible makes it clear that no one is exempt from sin, but if you confess your sin, you will receive forgiveness (1 John 1:8-9). True repentance leaves no regret! This is God’s promise. Repent! Regret isn’t repentence. Regret only brings negative emotions and thoughts, but don’t confuse it with genuine repentance and humility.
How do you get over regrets?
Here is the list of a few things that may be helpful ( I wish these were mine, but they were in some sermon notes I found when I began thinking about how I regret over so much!)
Be successful now: No need for regret or mid-life crisis. You can have success now if you start meditating on God’s word and obey, because God had promised that we will prosper if we obey His commands and think about His words day and night. (Psalm 1:2-3, Deuteronomy 28:13, John 15:4-7)
Let God speaks to you: God is the giver of consolations. If you practice spiritual disciplines such as prayer and solitude, in time you will learn how to pay attention to God’s voice, and every time He speaks, He gently reminds and comforts. Although the Lord does rebuke us, He will never do so carelessly like humans do. I tend to have excessive guilt and regrets easily, but instead of forcing myself to be positive, I let God speaks to my heart. Every time I do that, my self-doubts & imaginary guilt will be gone.Speed over stall: Most obstacles are psychological rather than real. Regrets breed stalls. You have to realize that it doesn’t take really long to really make real progress in anything, be it skills, academics, careers, relationships, or any other achievements. If the matter you worry about is mainly an issue of competence, please understand that competence can be improved very quickly if you just stop stalling and start taking action.
Forgive yourselves: If you keep beating yourselves up over past sins and the consequences of sins, you haven’t forgiven yourselves yet. The Lord make it clear that if you don’t others, He will not forgive you (Matthew 18: 21-35). This includes forgiving yourself! If you don’t forgive yourself, the Lord won’t forgive you!
Repent and Godly Sorrow: Don’t beat yourself up and create worldly sorrow. A Christian is to walk with the Spirit, so he or she should feel guilty only if the Spirit of God rebukes him or her, and bring his or her sins to light. It’s easy to become legalistic and perfectionistic.
Write Journals: You don’t know what your thoughts are until you write them down. Memory is unreliable; it is a subjective interpretation of what really happened. And the longer time passed, the more easy it is to twist your memory. To prevent imaginative regret, make journal entry regularly so when you doubt yourself in the future, you can always refer to the journal and check what exactly were going on in the past. This help you sympathize with your past.
Acceptance: Almost 90%+ of the outcomes in life have occurred because of your choices and character. In the future you are likely to repeat the way you have done things in the past anyway, so don’t spend your energy to regret the past, but focus on character growth and learning to make wiser choices now. No matter how imperfect you were, this was you. You have to accept yourself, knowing that you have been trying the best, with the resources and experiences that you had at the times.
I would like to start seasoning my life with joy and love rather than shame and regret, and the only way to really do that is to forgive myself and to move on. It sounds simple but it rarely is. But anything worth having is worth fighting for, and a right relationship with the Savior is definately worth fighting for. And a little less burden & a abundant life while living here on earth is an added benefit too ;-)
~Kristy~
I sometimes feel like shame and regret sit on my table just like the salt and pepper shakers, and we pass them around sprinking them here, there and everywhere. Sometimes we have more and sometimes less, but we season our life with shame and regret instead of Gods abundant love and blessings which is not how our Lord intended us to live.
Someone told me once that Rod's unemployment was my fault because I did not allow him to spend our money in a certain manor. This particular person which speaking of tithing ( which is another story/topic for another time). Regardless what this persons intention was, I carried around the shame of putting my family in this perdicament and the regret of not doing what this person assumed was the right thing to do.
Let's start there; sometimes the right thing to do can become the wrong thing if it is done with the wrong attitude. God wants a cheerful giver. Even if I would have tithed but done so expecting something in return or in a spirit of duty rather than given freely out of God so freely gave to us, then there is no way to know that we still would not have ended up where we were in order for God to change our attitudes and our hearts to be closer to Him.
Which was ultimately God's plan, by the way.To bring Rod and I and our family into the right frame of worship that was acceptable and pleasing to Him, not just out of a sence of duty or obligation.
But in the midst of my regret, I could not see what God was saying, and doing in us and for us. I wish I would have read more of my bible during those times, I would have read " But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, Philippians 3:13"
If you look back in life and regret choosing a certain path, or mourn for missed opportunities, just stop thinking that way the moment you catch yourself doing that! I wish I would have done that more, realizing that this path is the path God had chosen for me and what ever choices I made in my "Free Will" most likely would have lead me here, because both God and I know that I do not learn things the easy way. Sad but true.
When you see missed opportunities and can redirect your regret, it means that you have become more mature, that you have made significant progress in term of insights and competence, and that you are able to achieve much more if you encounter similar situations again.
So the next time you see missed opportunities that you’d failed to see in the past, you should celebrate because it indicates that you have been growing. The more frequent and the sooner you spot missed opportunities that have passed you by, the more it indicates that you are rapidly improving and growing.
I look back ahead now and see that the place that I am in allows me to tithe in the right spirit because they do not focus on the obvious, money is so many peoples achilles heal and can cause more hurt, shame and regret than some people can ever begin to imagine. Instead they take thier need for money or goods, to God. Who is the giver of everything we have anyway right? So why not start with Him in your need to remove your regret, just as I did.
It is never easy! But part of removing past your regrets is forgiving yourself for missing oppertunities.
The Bible makes it clear that no one is exempt from sin, but if you confess your sin, you will receive forgiveness (1 John 1:8-9). True repentance leaves no regret! This is God’s promise. Repent! Regret isn’t repentence. Regret only brings negative emotions and thoughts, but don’t confuse it with genuine repentance and humility.
How do you get over regrets?
Here is the list of a few things that may be helpful ( I wish these were mine, but they were in some sermon notes I found when I began thinking about how I regret over so much!)
Be successful now: No need for regret or mid-life crisis. You can have success now if you start meditating on God’s word and obey, because God had promised that we will prosper if we obey His commands and think about His words day and night. (Psalm 1:2-3, Deuteronomy 28:13, John 15:4-7)
Let God speaks to you: God is the giver of consolations. If you practice spiritual disciplines such as prayer and solitude, in time you will learn how to pay attention to God’s voice, and every time He speaks, He gently reminds and comforts. Although the Lord does rebuke us, He will never do so carelessly like humans do. I tend to have excessive guilt and regrets easily, but instead of forcing myself to be positive, I let God speaks to my heart. Every time I do that, my self-doubts & imaginary guilt will be gone.Speed over stall: Most obstacles are psychological rather than real. Regrets breed stalls. You have to realize that it doesn’t take really long to really make real progress in anything, be it skills, academics, careers, relationships, or any other achievements. If the matter you worry about is mainly an issue of competence, please understand that competence can be improved very quickly if you just stop stalling and start taking action.
Forgive yourselves: If you keep beating yourselves up over past sins and the consequences of sins, you haven’t forgiven yourselves yet. The Lord make it clear that if you don’t others, He will not forgive you (Matthew 18: 21-35). This includes forgiving yourself! If you don’t forgive yourself, the Lord won’t forgive you!
Repent and Godly Sorrow: Don’t beat yourself up and create worldly sorrow. A Christian is to walk with the Spirit, so he or she should feel guilty only if the Spirit of God rebukes him or her, and bring his or her sins to light. It’s easy to become legalistic and perfectionistic.
Write Journals: You don’t know what your thoughts are until you write them down. Memory is unreliable; it is a subjective interpretation of what really happened. And the longer time passed, the more easy it is to twist your memory. To prevent imaginative regret, make journal entry regularly so when you doubt yourself in the future, you can always refer to the journal and check what exactly were going on in the past. This help you sympathize with your past.
Acceptance: Almost 90%+ of the outcomes in life have occurred because of your choices and character. In the future you are likely to repeat the way you have done things in the past anyway, so don’t spend your energy to regret the past, but focus on character growth and learning to make wiser choices now. No matter how imperfect you were, this was you. You have to accept yourself, knowing that you have been trying the best, with the resources and experiences that you had at the times.
I would like to start seasoning my life with joy and love rather than shame and regret, and the only way to really do that is to forgive myself and to move on. It sounds simple but it rarely is. But anything worth having is worth fighting for, and a right relationship with the Savior is definately worth fighting for. And a little less burden & a abundant life while living here on earth is an added benefit too ;-)
~Kristy~
The Diagnosis
I sat in the doctors office crying and feeling foolish as well as overwhelmed. For the past three days it took everything I could to get off the couch and do the very basics of life. I looked forward to nothing else than returning to the couch, I hurt everywhere and I wanted to cry but I feared the pain. I wish I could say it was the first time I felt like that but it wasn't. I happened more and more often over the last couple of months and I was beginning to believe that it was not normal to feel this way and it was more than "stress".
The doctor acted compassionate in the beginning, smiling kindly and giving me Kleenex to wipe my face. He told me my symptoms we common with something called Fibromyalgia.
I stared blankly at him for what seemed like forever. The other doctors I has seen had just written me off with a prescription for pain medicine and I honestly thought that I was just hooked on it. It was a total God thing that I got to see this particular doctor, the doctor I normally see was completely booked and he was the only one available. I was feeling so poorly I would have said yes to almost anyone!
"It is not fair that I feel so bad all the time to my kids and husband," I sobbed. We had been so much with Rods unemployment, the kids food allergies and now this?! " Its not fair to you." The doctor said kindly. "Your blood test are all normal except for your B-12 is less than half for someone your age, and your Red Blood Cell count is low. You meet the rest of the criteria for Fibromyalgia. So that is my official diagnosis."
I left his office with mixed emotions. Part of me was relieved and another part completely scared to death. With an official diagnosis, it was not just me. And if it was not just me then there was actually something wrong with me.
I came home pale as a ghost but I felt very hot & flustered. I told Rod what the doctor had said, and slowly began to recount what he had said. Rod asked me about prescriptions and this is where the compassionate doctor became a monster. He had given me a paper prescription and I dropped it off on the way home. Minutes into my conversation with Rod, the phone rang and it was the pharmacy, saying the doctor electronically sent my prescription somewhere else and the insurance was rejecting it because it was already filled. For the next 45 minutes, Rod and I called every pharmacy in the area. Finally we located the medication and an hour and a half later, my loving husband picked it up and I thought the confusion was over.
Later the next week, I called the doctors office to explain the confusion with the paper prescription and the electronic prescription. The doctor called back several hours later completely irate!! He yelled, ranted and raved how dare I attempt to fill two prescriptions?? All he did was listen, and attempt to help me and this was how I respected his position?? "There was obviously something more to the story," the doctor yelled into the phone " and I am cancelling all medication coming out of this office until I can figure out what your up too" his voice boomed over the phone. All I could do was cry, and I sobbed into the phone calling Rod trying to explain what has just occurred. My head throbbed and I was so overwhelmed. I thought I was doing the right thing by calling and trying to explain what was going on...
Rod tried to calm me down, but he was at work. He told me quickly to find another doctor and make an appointment and we would discuss the rest when he got home. I know he felt terrible with his quick response to my tears, but I understand and we need this job!!
Later that afternoon, I got myself together enough to make a couple of phone call and found a new doctor specializing in women's health and had a new appointment within 10 days. I felt a little better with this, it was just surviving until then...
The next couple days were painful both physically & emotionally. But through the grace of God I made it.
I seen a Nurse Practitioner, she was a female doctor, and she spent almost an hour and a half reviewing my medical history and talking treatment plans with me. I liked her. She spoke kindly to Konnor,and I walked out feeling like there was hope for me.
Until I made a follow up appointment and that is when she"needed" me to try this antidepressants.
I know & understand that these are a normal course of treatments for fibromyalgia. I had done some reading by then and was starting to understand a few things. But I was extremely uncomfortable with this. Reluctantly, I agreed but had severe side effects.
I made a 3rd appointment, now this time to review the medication and to talk about my newly developed sinus infection.
3 rounds of antibiotics, and 2 different antidepressants with severe side effects, and one month later I am still in alot of pain.
I put on a brave face, and smile but I hurt. Alot.
I am down, not out. My God is bigger than a diagnosis and once I can get the pain under control I will be able to think more clearly and come up with a plan that suites me!
Until then, I will pray (alot) and focus on God and His goodness. He has brought us through so much and I know now from where we have been that He has this and nothing happens without first sifting through his hands!!
~Kristy~
The doctor acted compassionate in the beginning, smiling kindly and giving me Kleenex to wipe my face. He told me my symptoms we common with something called Fibromyalgia.
I stared blankly at him for what seemed like forever. The other doctors I has seen had just written me off with a prescription for pain medicine and I honestly thought that I was just hooked on it. It was a total God thing that I got to see this particular doctor, the doctor I normally see was completely booked and he was the only one available. I was feeling so poorly I would have said yes to almost anyone!
"It is not fair that I feel so bad all the time to my kids and husband," I sobbed. We had been so much with Rods unemployment, the kids food allergies and now this?! " Its not fair to you." The doctor said kindly. "Your blood test are all normal except for your B-12 is less than half for someone your age, and your Red Blood Cell count is low. You meet the rest of the criteria for Fibromyalgia. So that is my official diagnosis."
I left his office with mixed emotions. Part of me was relieved and another part completely scared to death. With an official diagnosis, it was not just me. And if it was not just me then there was actually something wrong with me.
I came home pale as a ghost but I felt very hot & flustered. I told Rod what the doctor had said, and slowly began to recount what he had said. Rod asked me about prescriptions and this is where the compassionate doctor became a monster. He had given me a paper prescription and I dropped it off on the way home. Minutes into my conversation with Rod, the phone rang and it was the pharmacy, saying the doctor electronically sent my prescription somewhere else and the insurance was rejecting it because it was already filled. For the next 45 minutes, Rod and I called every pharmacy in the area. Finally we located the medication and an hour and a half later, my loving husband picked it up and I thought the confusion was over.
Later the next week, I called the doctors office to explain the confusion with the paper prescription and the electronic prescription. The doctor called back several hours later completely irate!! He yelled, ranted and raved how dare I attempt to fill two prescriptions?? All he did was listen, and attempt to help me and this was how I respected his position?? "There was obviously something more to the story," the doctor yelled into the phone " and I am cancelling all medication coming out of this office until I can figure out what your up too" his voice boomed over the phone. All I could do was cry, and I sobbed into the phone calling Rod trying to explain what has just occurred. My head throbbed and I was so overwhelmed. I thought I was doing the right thing by calling and trying to explain what was going on...
Rod tried to calm me down, but he was at work. He told me quickly to find another doctor and make an appointment and we would discuss the rest when he got home. I know he felt terrible with his quick response to my tears, but I understand and we need this job!!
Later that afternoon, I got myself together enough to make a couple of phone call and found a new doctor specializing in women's health and had a new appointment within 10 days. I felt a little better with this, it was just surviving until then...
The next couple days were painful both physically & emotionally. But through the grace of God I made it.
I seen a Nurse Practitioner, she was a female doctor, and she spent almost an hour and a half reviewing my medical history and talking treatment plans with me. I liked her. She spoke kindly to Konnor,and I walked out feeling like there was hope for me.
Until I made a follow up appointment and that is when she"needed" me to try this antidepressants.
I know & understand that these are a normal course of treatments for fibromyalgia. I had done some reading by then and was starting to understand a few things. But I was extremely uncomfortable with this. Reluctantly, I agreed but had severe side effects.
I made a 3rd appointment, now this time to review the medication and to talk about my newly developed sinus infection.
3 rounds of antibiotics, and 2 different antidepressants with severe side effects, and one month later I am still in alot of pain.
I put on a brave face, and smile but I hurt. Alot.
I am down, not out. My God is bigger than a diagnosis and once I can get the pain under control I will be able to think more clearly and come up with a plan that suites me!
Until then, I will pray (alot) and focus on God and His goodness. He has brought us through so much and I know now from where we have been that He has this and nothing happens without first sifting through his hands!!
~Kristy~
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Beyond Wednesday
This was written on 10/14/20012
The Wednesday of the "Everyone" Service was a supernatural-superspiritual day that will live of indefinately inside my heart and mind forever!Yet, life as we knew it continued on around us. As much as I would like for the world to stop for God, it does not.
Thursday morning, it was business as usual as we got Korbin up & ready for school. Afterward, Rod and I did our morning errands, and later we had lunch with Konnor. The only exception to this normal day was the suit & tie that my husband was dressed in at 2pm sharp standing hansomely in the doorway asking me, " So, how do I look?". His interview was set for 2:45, and it was only a 20 minute drive down the expressway. He could have easily left 15 minutes later but his nerves and excitment were getting the best of him. I straighted his tie and brushed the lint of the shoulders of his white dress shirt. "You look amazing," I told him. He really did! There was something about the look in his eyes that made his clothing choice seem almost invisbible compared to the look on his face. Yes, something was differant. Just like the night before, I could not place my finger on it.
Rod, Konnor and I prayed together and Korbin was noticably missing from our family prayer. It still seems weird to me somedays that he is in school all day. Rod kissed both of us and he was out the door with a whistle.
Thirty minutes later, Rods parents were standing in the living room prepared to watch the boys while I went to work myself.
Since Rod had to drive pass the store I work out, the plan was for him to stop in and let me know how his interview went on the way home. I was expecting him somewhere in the ball park of 3:30 or 4pm. He did not walk into the store until after 5pm! The interview lasted TWO HOURS!! Rod was beeming from ear to ear, and there was something about his attitude that I had not seen in a long time!
Confidence
I found myself holding my breath as our eye connected from the front door of the store. In his shirt & tie, he reminded me of a slightly older version of the man I dated almost 12 years ago.
His smile was so grand, it was infectious!
We talked while I worked, and if I was not wearing and apron & hat, it would have almost felt like a date.Rod just kept saying over and over again, " I just have a feeling.."
My soul was slightly troubled as I wanted to share in his joy, but I was skeptical. We had been there so many times where companies would encourage Rod to believe that he was the one, and never call back. I always told him when this happened that he did not want to work for a company where the HR department was dishonest from the get-go, but the fact remained that this time our backs were against the wall!
Unemployment was ending in less than two weeks, and although it was not alot, it was $742.00 that we depended on every two weeks to put food on the table. Although I was now working, the 20-30 hours I was alotted a week was not going to pay all the bills alone.
I knew God was not going to let us down. In the darkest hours over the last uncertain three and a half years, God was there.
That still small voice that lived inside my soul reminded me of the life verse I choose for myself, " Be anxious for nothing..let your request be made known unto God..and the peach of God that passes all understand will guard your heart.." Philippians 4:6-7.
Smiling through the fears as I had done so many times before, I kissed Rod good bye and he headed home to our boys as I finished my shift.
The night seemed to speed by and before I knew it, my relief was there for my 15 minute break. I got a quick snack & headed to the bench where so many team memeber sat when they did not wish to head upstairs. I reached inside my pants pocket to find my phone which was buzzing loudly as I attempted to dial Rods number, only to realize he was calling me.
"I got it! I got it! I got it!!," Rod said giddily, he was breatheless with excitement as he continued his story. " Jeff just called and I was at McDonalds with my parents and the boys when I stepped out of there to take the phone call."
All I could do was smile and cry!
How silly I was to doubt God would come through for us and still He chose to bless us anyway.
Rod continued to talk quickly with great excitment but I was still stuck at the beginning of the conversation: " I got it!"
For the last year and a half, I have been praying a for job for Rod. On the heals of his second consecutive lay-off after only an eight month temporary assignment as a break, I have been longing to hear those words, "I am going back to work".
Our nightmare was finally ending.
I called my BFF and my dad within seconds of hanging up with Rod, and then my pray partner Heather who screamed with excitment.
"Two jobs within two weeks," Heather yelled to her husband Keith. " Rod and Kristy both have jobs! Praise the Lord" and with those words praise the lord I lost it and could not quit crying happy tears for the rest of the night, even at work.
Praise the Lord, indeed!!
He had carried us, me specifically so many times. He kept food on our table, the lights on, a roof over our heads, clothes on our kids, gas in our car, and He spent people to speak love to us in a variety of ways of the last years. God had a planned for all of this and Sunday, we would see His plan come true as only God could turn something bad into something amazing!
Saturday we would celebrate Konnor's 3rd birthday. It is hard to believe our baby is turning 3!! We gave him a Toy Story Birthday Party, and I made the cake and decorations myself
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| {You can see the smile on Korb's face right after scoring. Ale, behind Korb heading to "Chest Bump" at the other end of the field} |
The end of several amazing, God-centered days was Sunday with the Baptism of Korbin. As a 4 year old, during family devotions in our apartment when I was pregnant with Konnor, Korbin gave his heart to Jesus. It was very sweet, Rod began to sing " I was sinking deep in sin.." Korbin began to cry. Rod asked him what was wrong? He said, "I do not wanna sink into sin" Through a series of scary and exciting questions, Korbin came to an understanding of what Jesus Christ did for him on the Cross of Calvary. Through prayer, Korb asked Jesus to forgive him of his sins and live in heart forever and be the leader of his life. It is a special moment that will live in my heart & life forever. We, along with Pastor Mike, thought it was best to have Korbin wait unti he was a bit older to be baptised. This year as a third grader, Korbin recorded his self written testimony at church on Friday with Pastor Don. Then Sunday morning Korbin particpated in belivers baptism.
It was cerainly an amazing Couple of Days in Our lives and it all began with the "Everyone" service! God is Good Folks!
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| {My little boy became an Man in Christ right here} It was cerainly an amazing Couple of Days in Our lives and it all began with the "Everyone" service! God is Good Folks! ~Kristy~
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Saturday, October 13, 2012
The "Everyone" Service
Where to begin?!
There has been SO MUCH CHANGE in so little time here,it is hard to believe that is has only been one week!
I guess the best place to start is a week ago Wednesday. Our church is trying to change it up a bit on Wednesday nights and try some different things ( which is one of the reasons I love this church so much) to bring something new to the table for the steadfast Christan's who are there every week.
I know what your thinking, and I am totally going to blow your thoughts out of the water, I am not one of those Christan's. It started out that I began staying home on Wednesday because of the baby. Then school. Then sports. Then I had realized one day that I had not been in a Wednesday Night church service other than VBS, since the Praise-giving service last November!!
Two weeks ago, Rod said to me that he felt strongly that we were not in church as a family on Wednesday Night and that needed to change. With those simple words it did. The "Everyone" service was the first service our entire family was in a Wednesday night service together.
Let me explain the "Everyone" Service. In our church, on Wednesday night the teen-agers are in the gym with Fusion with Pastor Michael & Allie, age 4-12 are in the children's wing for Pioneer Club, The Babies &toddlers are in the Tot Spot, and the rest of the adults are in main church doing a bible study with one or all of the remaining 3 Pastors. I am not exactly sure who thought of the concept of the "everyone" service, but it is exactly what it's name describes. Everyone together in the main church, with the exception of the babies and toddlers.
This particular service was the first one we had held, so I personally was a little unsure what to expect. The service began as so many had before, with a Praise and Worship song lead by Pastor Don. Yet, the feeling was different. I couldn't then and still can't now put my finger on it. It was just different, alive maybe the best description I can come up with. Within the first few seconds of the first song, the hair on the nape of my neck stood to attention. My nostrils smelled a sweet fragrance, I had never smelled before and it was intoxicating! Every sense I had was alive with emotion! I often try not to look around during service because I have found before that the devil uses this against me, and takes my attention away from God and puts it on others. Yet, this time something caught my attention that caught me off guard..
I am use to seeing adults raising their hands to praise our God but when a 12 year old boy stood seats apart from his Dad, closed his eyes and reaching toward the Heavens, he reminded me of a younger version of the older man standing a few seats down also doing the same thing. My thoughts first went to the young boy was just imitating what he had seen his dad doing, but as I watched I was riveted by the sincerity of the boy. As he stretched his arms higher and higher attempting in his humanity to reach the heavens, he was mouthing something. At a glance, one may have thought he was singing but as I unashamedly stared I realized he was having a conversion. I can only assume it was God by the innocence of the boy and the tears streaming down his face.
In that moment, in my glorified imagination I was taken to a place where I could hear the songs of my church all around me but beyond that I could hear beyond that the angels chanting loud and continuous, "Holy! Holy! Holy" In the darkness of the church, the light of the souls of the ones around me were shining so bright, it was blinding! As I squinted to see beyond the light in the darkness around me, I could see the shadow of a figure of whom I can only described as blurry. Like when Konnor puts his greasy little fingers all over my glasses, I can see through them but everything is distorted and unfocused.
The figure moved throughout the building touching young and old, boys and girls, men and women. Some the figure hugged wrapping his arms around and others he gently touched their face wiping their tears. Some he stood next too and others still he seemed to gently pull them forward towards himself. As I wiped my tears aways, I felt the figure put his arms around me and hug tightly. He whispered something into my ear but with the music and the chanting, I could not hear what he was trying to tell me. I wanted to run after the figure to find out what he has said, but with my attempts to move a cold breathe filled the air and I could not move. My legs are arms felt like they had lead in them and my body was nothing more than a heart beat as it rang in my ears. My senses were on overload and something amazing was happening around me. I had never seen or felt anything like this before ever! I was fearful to breath or think beyond the moment because I did not want it too end, I had never felt such peace deep within my soul or such a presence of the Lord Almighty, in was incomprehensible what was taking place in this building the realm beyond what our physical bodies could see, feel, hear or touch. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that we had entered into the throne room of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I was deeply, deeply humbled for the opportunity to bow at the Masters feet. How at that moment I longed to be the women who washed Christ's feet with her tears and dry them with her hair. I felt like I could or would do anything just to be with Jesus just one more second!!
If the Pastor preached that service, I will never remember.
I wanted desperately to know what the figure has whispered in my ear! Even know as I write, I am just awestruck with the majesty that appeared in the Church that night. I pray right this moment within everything within me that Spirit returns to our humble church and fills us once again with His amazing brightness and allows us the privilege of serving at His feet if only for simply seconds that will be enough. Those second will carry me through until I can meet the Savior face to face upon that Golden Shore someday.
I am not sure if I ever stopped crying that night! My heart was forever changed as I opened my eyes to look around to see if the 12 year old boy was still worshipping and my heart lept with joy to see my boy now doing what that 12 year old and many boys and girls around the room also now doing, raising their hands to praise our God. Many children had both arms outstretched and their faces directed to receive the warmth of their Heavenly Fathers kiss upon their brow.
For the first time in many,many months I felt alive! Truly alive! I was aware of every sense I had and every hair on my arm forearm was standing attention for the Lord Our God.
I closed my eyes and face of those I loved flashed before me; my cousins, my friends Keith and Heather,Serena, my mentors Ed & Laura, Uncle Gary and Aunt Judy and several others as I heard an audible voice command me to "PRAY" and I obeyed. I did not have time to question who it was speaking or why this was occurring, my heart was too busy rejoicing.
My life changed forever in the blink of an eye, and I knew I would never, ever be the same again after tonight's service.
During communion, Rod lead Korbin and I, in addition to my Aunt and Uncle in pray. My heart lept again to see tears of sincerity stream down his face. There was a very dark time in Rod's life where he was not the person who was standing before me. I can only credit God for changing Rod's life and molding him into the husband, father and leader who was standing with us in that moment. I do not claim his perfection, but I know that daily he is putting away the old man and picking up the new man and allowing Christ to lead him and he does his best to lead us.
What Rod prayed for, I will never remember as I stared wipe-eyed again at the figure who moved around the room touching praying families. Stopping at each circle or line of people, hoovering over the prayer and his or her group. I thought the figure had left but somehow he seem larger now, and more willowy as if I could the prayers & worship of God's people were strengthening him and changing his color from a dark to a grayer. It could be the light shining from within the groups, like a beacon in the night, that made his color appear different or it could be the devil who was fighting for peoples heart and attention had admitted defeat and left because in the name of Jesus the devil has to flee.
As our family ended our prayer and headed back to our seats, the figure followed us and sat between Rod and Korbin. I wondered if they could see or feel him as I could, or if I was truly loosing my mind. I thought for a moment asking but then immediately stopped because I did not want to do what I often find myself doing in my humanity, trying to be Rod's Holy Spirit. The true and living Holy Spirit was in attendance that night and He did not need my help!!
The figure put his arm around my oldest child pulling him close just as he had done so many others and leaned in to whisper something in Rod's ear. Did he hear what I had missed?
The thought occurring loudly to me like a throbbing paper cut, was that's God point? He let's me be apart of His plan but allows Rod as our leader and head of our home to hear from Him directly? How silly I felt in that moment, I had been praying so hard for Rod to rise to be what I needed him to be but yet, I was not humbling myself enough to listen to what God was telling me Rod needed me to be!
With that Epiphany, the willowy figure looked at me with transparent eyes that could see deep into my soul and with that he disappeared, and the service was over.
On the way home I sat in the dark listening to the boys since from the backseat sing rather loudly, "oh! oh! oh-oh! The king is coming.." by the Newsboys and feeling the expressway beneath my feet in the car wondering if I should tell Rod all that I seen and felt in church that night or if I would just sound like a whack-a-doodle?
In the same moment I went to speak Rod said," That service was AMAZING! Things are changing! I just know it!" and I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight.
Yes! Things had already changed and over lives were never going to be the same! I smiled and said, " I know, right?!"
I would tell him my story another night, as for now, I would let the Holy Spirit continue on His journey. I had a feeling that maybe He was not finished yet!
And He wasn't!
But that's entire another blog post!!
~Kristy~
**Look for another blog post in a few days entitled Beyond Wednesday to see what happened next**
There has been SO MUCH CHANGE in so little time here,it is hard to believe that is has only been one week!
I guess the best place to start is a week ago Wednesday. Our church is trying to change it up a bit on Wednesday nights and try some different things ( which is one of the reasons I love this church so much) to bring something new to the table for the steadfast Christan's who are there every week.
I know what your thinking, and I am totally going to blow your thoughts out of the water, I am not one of those Christan's. It started out that I began staying home on Wednesday because of the baby. Then school. Then sports. Then I had realized one day that I had not been in a Wednesday Night church service other than VBS, since the Praise-giving service last November!!
Two weeks ago, Rod said to me that he felt strongly that we were not in church as a family on Wednesday Night and that needed to change. With those simple words it did. The "Everyone" service was the first service our entire family was in a Wednesday night service together.
Let me explain the "Everyone" Service. In our church, on Wednesday night the teen-agers are in the gym with Fusion with Pastor Michael & Allie, age 4-12 are in the children's wing for Pioneer Club, The Babies &toddlers are in the Tot Spot, and the rest of the adults are in main church doing a bible study with one or all of the remaining 3 Pastors. I am not exactly sure who thought of the concept of the "everyone" service, but it is exactly what it's name describes. Everyone together in the main church, with the exception of the babies and toddlers.
This particular service was the first one we had held, so I personally was a little unsure what to expect. The service began as so many had before, with a Praise and Worship song lead by Pastor Don. Yet, the feeling was different. I couldn't then and still can't now put my finger on it. It was just different, alive maybe the best description I can come up with. Within the first few seconds of the first song, the hair on the nape of my neck stood to attention. My nostrils smelled a sweet fragrance, I had never smelled before and it was intoxicating! Every sense I had was alive with emotion! I often try not to look around during service because I have found before that the devil uses this against me, and takes my attention away from God and puts it on others. Yet, this time something caught my attention that caught me off guard..
I am use to seeing adults raising their hands to praise our God but when a 12 year old boy stood seats apart from his Dad, closed his eyes and reaching toward the Heavens, he reminded me of a younger version of the older man standing a few seats down also doing the same thing. My thoughts first went to the young boy was just imitating what he had seen his dad doing, but as I watched I was riveted by the sincerity of the boy. As he stretched his arms higher and higher attempting in his humanity to reach the heavens, he was mouthing something. At a glance, one may have thought he was singing but as I unashamedly stared I realized he was having a conversion. I can only assume it was God by the innocence of the boy and the tears streaming down his face.
In that moment, in my glorified imagination I was taken to a place where I could hear the songs of my church all around me but beyond that I could hear beyond that the angels chanting loud and continuous, "Holy! Holy! Holy" In the darkness of the church, the light of the souls of the ones around me were shining so bright, it was blinding! As I squinted to see beyond the light in the darkness around me, I could see the shadow of a figure of whom I can only described as blurry. Like when Konnor puts his greasy little fingers all over my glasses, I can see through them but everything is distorted and unfocused.
The figure moved throughout the building touching young and old, boys and girls, men and women. Some the figure hugged wrapping his arms around and others he gently touched their face wiping their tears. Some he stood next too and others still he seemed to gently pull them forward towards himself. As I wiped my tears aways, I felt the figure put his arms around me and hug tightly. He whispered something into my ear but with the music and the chanting, I could not hear what he was trying to tell me. I wanted to run after the figure to find out what he has said, but with my attempts to move a cold breathe filled the air and I could not move. My legs are arms felt like they had lead in them and my body was nothing more than a heart beat as it rang in my ears. My senses were on overload and something amazing was happening around me. I had never seen or felt anything like this before ever! I was fearful to breath or think beyond the moment because I did not want it too end, I had never felt such peace deep within my soul or such a presence of the Lord Almighty, in was incomprehensible what was taking place in this building the realm beyond what our physical bodies could see, feel, hear or touch. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that we had entered into the throne room of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I was deeply, deeply humbled for the opportunity to bow at the Masters feet. How at that moment I longed to be the women who washed Christ's feet with her tears and dry them with her hair. I felt like I could or would do anything just to be with Jesus just one more second!!
If the Pastor preached that service, I will never remember.
I wanted desperately to know what the figure has whispered in my ear! Even know as I write, I am just awestruck with the majesty that appeared in the Church that night. I pray right this moment within everything within me that Spirit returns to our humble church and fills us once again with His amazing brightness and allows us the privilege of serving at His feet if only for simply seconds that will be enough. Those second will carry me through until I can meet the Savior face to face upon that Golden Shore someday.
I am not sure if I ever stopped crying that night! My heart was forever changed as I opened my eyes to look around to see if the 12 year old boy was still worshipping and my heart lept with joy to see my boy now doing what that 12 year old and many boys and girls around the room also now doing, raising their hands to praise our God. Many children had both arms outstretched and their faces directed to receive the warmth of their Heavenly Fathers kiss upon their brow.
For the first time in many,many months I felt alive! Truly alive! I was aware of every sense I had and every hair on my arm forearm was standing attention for the Lord Our God.
I closed my eyes and face of those I loved flashed before me; my cousins, my friends Keith and Heather,Serena, my mentors Ed & Laura, Uncle Gary and Aunt Judy and several others as I heard an audible voice command me to "PRAY" and I obeyed. I did not have time to question who it was speaking or why this was occurring, my heart was too busy rejoicing.
My life changed forever in the blink of an eye, and I knew I would never, ever be the same again after tonight's service.
During communion, Rod lead Korbin and I, in addition to my Aunt and Uncle in pray. My heart lept again to see tears of sincerity stream down his face. There was a very dark time in Rod's life where he was not the person who was standing before me. I can only credit God for changing Rod's life and molding him into the husband, father and leader who was standing with us in that moment. I do not claim his perfection, but I know that daily he is putting away the old man and picking up the new man and allowing Christ to lead him and he does his best to lead us.
What Rod prayed for, I will never remember as I stared wipe-eyed again at the figure who moved around the room touching praying families. Stopping at each circle or line of people, hoovering over the prayer and his or her group. I thought the figure had left but somehow he seem larger now, and more willowy as if I could the prayers & worship of God's people were strengthening him and changing his color from a dark to a grayer. It could be the light shining from within the groups, like a beacon in the night, that made his color appear different or it could be the devil who was fighting for peoples heart and attention had admitted defeat and left because in the name of Jesus the devil has to flee.
As our family ended our prayer and headed back to our seats, the figure followed us and sat between Rod and Korbin. I wondered if they could see or feel him as I could, or if I was truly loosing my mind. I thought for a moment asking but then immediately stopped because I did not want to do what I often find myself doing in my humanity, trying to be Rod's Holy Spirit. The true and living Holy Spirit was in attendance that night and He did not need my help!!
The figure put his arm around my oldest child pulling him close just as he had done so many others and leaned in to whisper something in Rod's ear. Did he hear what I had missed?
The thought occurring loudly to me like a throbbing paper cut, was that's God point? He let's me be apart of His plan but allows Rod as our leader and head of our home to hear from Him directly? How silly I felt in that moment, I had been praying so hard for Rod to rise to be what I needed him to be but yet, I was not humbling myself enough to listen to what God was telling me Rod needed me to be!
With that Epiphany, the willowy figure looked at me with transparent eyes that could see deep into my soul and with that he disappeared, and the service was over.
On the way home I sat in the dark listening to the boys since from the backseat sing rather loudly, "oh! oh! oh-oh! The king is coming.." by the Newsboys and feeling the expressway beneath my feet in the car wondering if I should tell Rod all that I seen and felt in church that night or if I would just sound like a whack-a-doodle?
In the same moment I went to speak Rod said," That service was AMAZING! Things are changing! I just know it!" and I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight.
Yes! Things had already changed and over lives were never going to be the same! I smiled and said, " I know, right?!"
I would tell him my story another night, as for now, I would let the Holy Spirit continue on His journey. I had a feeling that maybe He was not finished yet!
And He wasn't!
But that's entire another blog post!!
~Kristy~
**Look for another blog post in a few days entitled Beyond Wednesday to see what happened next**
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
More questions than answers
The pain continues...
I was at work this morning at 8am. It was the first time I had to leave before Korbin had to go to school. I layed his clothes on the table, and packed his back pack for Rod. Complete with a check list of the morning's events I left Rod & Konnor at 7:40 to head to out into the windy morning air. Korbin was not even out of bed yet because Monday is his late start day.
I turned on my favorite Christan radio station and song along, I thought the day had prospect until I got a text message from Rod saying the last job he interviewed with twice had hired an candidate internally.
I knew the day was shot after that.
My heart broke for Rod, and hurt for our family.
It seems as if the questions are piling up with no answers!
Unemployment ends for good at the end of October, and things are looking very bleak right now.
I am so irritated that companies interview candidates two and three times encouraging there hopes and then they dash them! Is seems so unethical! Can't companies be honest with where they are at in the hiring process rather than say such flattering things encouraging candidates to believe that they are "the one" and it is just another pack of lies compacted with a just kidding.
What hurts more and is so confusing is that other people around us are getting jobs, so why can't our family?
Why are we constantly being punished over and over again??
If God is good, which He is, no matter what the circumstances what are we doing that we deserve to constantly be let down and driven into the ground over and over again?
The burdens that are piling up are beginning to be more than I can handle...
My head hurts constantly and the sleep that comes is so jumbled with hurt, anger and questions that it is in now way refreshing.
Trying to shake the funk I feel it harder and harder and I just simply pray for God to care for my boys.
I am not mad at God, nor have I ever been. I trust Him to make of this life what He desires of it. I just wish I knew what it is that I must be doing wrong that He desires not to do anything with my life?
It my surely be my freewill that has messed up the promising life God offers to those who believe and serve Him with their lives.
Since I believe my service is reasonable and acceptable, it must be me making the wrong choices!
That is the only option, and the way I am treated by people past and present, that is exactly what the problem must be.
Me.
My heart is broken, and my head is full. I wish someone somewhere could give me insight to why life is constantly so hard for us. Even our basic needs our up for debate these days..we have not purchased garbage bags in nearly a month!
(We gave them up for diapers for Konnor instead!)
Despite all that, this I know: God has a plan and as hard as it is to wait, wait upon Him I will.
I will worship and pray while I wait.
Even when I am confused, angry and hurting because there is not a feeling or frustration I have today that Jesus himself has not experienced and if He can be obedient unto the point of death, then I can be obedient when there is pain and uncertainty.
~Kristy~
I was at work this morning at 8am. It was the first time I had to leave before Korbin had to go to school. I layed his clothes on the table, and packed his back pack for Rod. Complete with a check list of the morning's events I left Rod & Konnor at 7:40 to head to out into the windy morning air. Korbin was not even out of bed yet because Monday is his late start day.
I turned on my favorite Christan radio station and song along, I thought the day had prospect until I got a text message from Rod saying the last job he interviewed with twice had hired an candidate internally.
I knew the day was shot after that.
My heart broke for Rod, and hurt for our family.
It seems as if the questions are piling up with no answers!
Unemployment ends for good at the end of October, and things are looking very bleak right now.
I am so irritated that companies interview candidates two and three times encouraging there hopes and then they dash them! Is seems so unethical! Can't companies be honest with where they are at in the hiring process rather than say such flattering things encouraging candidates to believe that they are "the one" and it is just another pack of lies compacted with a just kidding.
What hurts more and is so confusing is that other people around us are getting jobs, so why can't our family?
Why are we constantly being punished over and over again??
If God is good, which He is, no matter what the circumstances what are we doing that we deserve to constantly be let down and driven into the ground over and over again?
The burdens that are piling up are beginning to be more than I can handle...
My head hurts constantly and the sleep that comes is so jumbled with hurt, anger and questions that it is in now way refreshing.
Trying to shake the funk I feel it harder and harder and I just simply pray for God to care for my boys.
I am not mad at God, nor have I ever been. I trust Him to make of this life what He desires of it. I just wish I knew what it is that I must be doing wrong that He desires not to do anything with my life?
It my surely be my freewill that has messed up the promising life God offers to those who believe and serve Him with their lives.
Since I believe my service is reasonable and acceptable, it must be me making the wrong choices!
That is the only option, and the way I am treated by people past and present, that is exactly what the problem must be.
Me.
My heart is broken, and my head is full. I wish someone somewhere could give me insight to why life is constantly so hard for us. Even our basic needs our up for debate these days..we have not purchased garbage bags in nearly a month!
(We gave them up for diapers for Konnor instead!)
Despite all that, this I know: God has a plan and as hard as it is to wait, wait upon Him I will.
I will worship and pray while I wait.
Even when I am confused, angry and hurting because there is not a feeling or frustration I have today that Jesus himself has not experienced and if He can be obedient unto the point of death, then I can be obedient when there is pain and uncertainty.
~Kristy~
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Rough Week
I am trying not to cry as I type because I do not understand what exactly has happened this week!To say I am overwhelmed right now, is an understatement!
I am not ever sure where to begin..
Ok, so everyone knows I started a new part time job right?
Also that I have 2 classes this semester, and Korbin has ended Fall Baseball and started Fall Soccer?
Yesterday was his first game, and of course it rained! Hard!
I have worked everyday this past week, with the exception of today and Friday when I have class. My head is swarming from information over load and my body is adjusting from being on my feet constantly moving for 4 or more hours.
Wednesday, I get two very lengthy voicemail messages from the school nutritionist saying that there is something going on with Korbins lunch at school. I quickly text Rod and ask him to call her and handle this. As I try not to panic, I head back to work and hope that they have a paper bag somewhere I can breath into if I hyperventilate? I felt very out of control! It was day #1 at work other than orientations and things at school already need my attention and I can not handle them!! At this point, I am not sure if I need a paper bag or box of Kleenex!
I head home to find out that the reason for the phone call is good and bad. The good news is that the new nutritionist is on the ball, working with us to make sure Korbin is as safe as he possibly can be while eating at school. That was nice to hear!!
The bad news is that for the past 3 years, when we were told that certain items we were allowing him to eat at school were safe, it was a best guess estimate because the school had no nutritional information/allergy information on any of the items they were serving in the lunch room.
So last year when Rod and I had a 504 meeting with the principle, the school social worker and the school nurse; just to name a few, and the school nurse said the items I had contacted her about were safe for him to eat to now say she was less than honest is a severe understatement!
Now, I was hyperventilating!!
When Korbin got home, he was crying because one of his school best friends was moving at the end of the week to Georgia.
After loving on him for a while and drying his tears, we have to tell him that he will be bringing his lunch from home until further notice because we are working with Ms. L on making sure things are safe for him.
Korbin was fine with bringing his lunch, until he remembered the next day was "cookie" day. So I asked, " Korbin what is cookie day" in which he replies "Ya know, it is when they sell cookies for $0.25" Duh?! Next, I rephrase, " Is cookie day new this year? I can go in and find out what kinda cookies to see if there are safe. If not, I will bake you cookies and you can take them from home. (My standard response to things when he wants to try things) "No," Korbin says "Cookie day is not new. I bought cookies all last year, and I was fine!". WHAT???!!!
Trying to remain calm, I ask for the lunch menu to see if they were listed & I missed it. Nope! Not on there! I ask Rod, could you see if there was something in the paper work Korbin has brought him thus far from school and see if there is a notice in there that they were selling cookies. He looked, and nothing!
We ask Korbin how he found out they were selling cookies and if they were part of his lunch tray. No, they were not part of his lunch tray and he did not know, they just "appeared" one day. My next question was if anyone ever asked him if he was suppose to have them? He tells us that he asked someone if they could check the ingredient list for him, and they did. It did not say anything about nuts, so at that point because it said no nuts and they looked safe, he thought they were a could idea.
I must stop here, and say technically, Korbin did was he knew to do. We have given him all the information we thought he should have to make wise decisions for a 7 year old. But, I trusted the school lunch room employees and addressed in Korbins 504 plan that he is not to be eating foods that may contain "piggy back" allergens. Like soybeans. But because piggy back allergens can be complicated, we have not gone into this with him. That is one of the reason we had a written 504 plan drawn up, to help the school be an extension of our eyes and ears. But they choose not to pay attention to it, and did not inform us in any manor that they were serving these cookies, so I could not check what I did not know existed further more no one is communicating the written directions of the 504 to all the members of our extended eyes and ears team.
My room began to swirl and I got sick to my stomach! I thought I was going to pass out!
"Get it together!", I heard a voice come from within the pit of my stomach saying. I excused myself from the living room and splashed some cold water on my face. I knew exactly what could have happened if they changed the brand of cookies and it looked similar to the other or changed the way the manufacturer processed the cookie in the plant. I was not going to cry!!
I trusted these people with my baby!!!
Rod and I email the principle and talked with Korbin. He was so innocent in his answers to our questions! Just a child trying to wrap his head around an allergy that I have trouble handling all of the components of myself.
I felt as if the school has abused my trust by their laziness!
It was a simple question, "If were have to check the ingredients, lets double check with Mrs. C ( the principle) and make sure you can have this." I know she would have directed Korbin to Rod or I for further clarification, because she has so many times before. Instead, they just asked for his money. But, it must have been too inconvenient for someone to walk 10 more steps out of their way to ask.
I have talked with each person working in the lunch room and educated them that if that were to happen, they they were to direct Korbin to Mrs. C. They knew what to do, and choose not too. And because of what they choose not to do, we could have paid a very dear price!
Later that night, I cried and thanked God once again for protecting Korbin!
By the 2nd have of the week, Konnor began to have problems with his Asthma and we began his steroid and nebulizer treatments. The steroids make my sweet boy into an emotional mess as well as cause his sleep patterns to be sporadic.
Now, I was overwhelmed with work, exhausted from Konnor and emotional from Korbin and then we were adding stress into the mix as I studied for my A&P test.
I posted something on FB trying to possibly relieve some stress about Korbins allergy, because after all it appears that everyone else seems to post whatever they choose on their status updates, instead I got lambasted from several fronts. My heart was broken, but I pushed on because that what I do and accepted apologies from those who offered because that's what Christan's do. Alot of time, flat text comes across in different manor than we anticipate. It has happened to me. So, who would I be to not listen to those people who have done the same thing I am guilty of myself? I am hurt nonetheless.
By Friday, I was at my breaking point only to find out it was going to get worse.
Much worse. If I thought the school had broken my trust, I could not even begin to anticipate the the type of mistrust I would be struggling with today regarding a completely different situation.
Friday was 2 days ago and I have been crying, and praying hoping to make sense of something I accidentally over heard but what not meant too.
When I was in high school I was friends who a group of people, who had later decided that they no longer wished to be friends with me. I was caught off guard with their behavior& things they said and as I result decided that I did not need friends. I went through college, and most of my twenties never making more than a casual acquaintance. Friendship was not worth the hurt I would eventually incur. As Korbin got older, Rod and I decided that we needed to show him the types of friends he should have through making relationships of our own.
Today, I am wondering why I thought I could possibly have friends! The price is much more than I can bare when they hurt me! One of the reasons I married Rod was because I wanted to marry my friend, and I knew that Rod would never betray me. Sure, Rod & I have had our ups & downs, it seems as if more downs than ups in recent years, but when my heart can not possibly handle one more thing; my best friend Rod steps in to carry me through until my heart can beat again with out the oxygen Rod gives it. I am not sure what I would have done without him this week, because I certainly would not have made it!!
It has been a rough week, and now I am left with more questions than answers! My heart has been broken into more pieces than I ever thought possible and I am not sure how to sure how to go on from here!
I am not ever sure where to begin..
Ok, so everyone knows I started a new part time job right?
Also that I have 2 classes this semester, and Korbin has ended Fall Baseball and started Fall Soccer?
Yesterday was his first game, and of course it rained! Hard!
I have worked everyday this past week, with the exception of today and Friday when I have class. My head is swarming from information over load and my body is adjusting from being on my feet constantly moving for 4 or more hours.
Wednesday, I get two very lengthy voicemail messages from the school nutritionist saying that there is something going on with Korbins lunch at school. I quickly text Rod and ask him to call her and handle this. As I try not to panic, I head back to work and hope that they have a paper bag somewhere I can breath into if I hyperventilate? I felt very out of control! It was day #1 at work other than orientations and things at school already need my attention and I can not handle them!! At this point, I am not sure if I need a paper bag or box of Kleenex!
I head home to find out that the reason for the phone call is good and bad. The good news is that the new nutritionist is on the ball, working with us to make sure Korbin is as safe as he possibly can be while eating at school. That was nice to hear!!
The bad news is that for the past 3 years, when we were told that certain items we were allowing him to eat at school were safe, it was a best guess estimate because the school had no nutritional information/allergy information on any of the items they were serving in the lunch room.
So last year when Rod and I had a 504 meeting with the principle, the school social worker and the school nurse; just to name a few, and the school nurse said the items I had contacted her about were safe for him to eat to now say she was less than honest is a severe understatement!
Now, I was hyperventilating!!
When Korbin got home, he was crying because one of his school best friends was moving at the end of the week to Georgia.
After loving on him for a while and drying his tears, we have to tell him that he will be bringing his lunch from home until further notice because we are working with Ms. L on making sure things are safe for him.
Korbin was fine with bringing his lunch, until he remembered the next day was "cookie" day. So I asked, " Korbin what is cookie day" in which he replies "Ya know, it is when they sell cookies for $0.25" Duh?! Next, I rephrase, " Is cookie day new this year? I can go in and find out what kinda cookies to see if there are safe. If not, I will bake you cookies and you can take them from home. (My standard response to things when he wants to try things) "No," Korbin says "Cookie day is not new. I bought cookies all last year, and I was fine!". WHAT???!!!
Trying to remain calm, I ask for the lunch menu to see if they were listed & I missed it. Nope! Not on there! I ask Rod, could you see if there was something in the paper work Korbin has brought him thus far from school and see if there is a notice in there that they were selling cookies. He looked, and nothing!
We ask Korbin how he found out they were selling cookies and if they were part of his lunch tray. No, they were not part of his lunch tray and he did not know, they just "appeared" one day. My next question was if anyone ever asked him if he was suppose to have them? He tells us that he asked someone if they could check the ingredient list for him, and they did. It did not say anything about nuts, so at that point because it said no nuts and they looked safe, he thought they were a could idea.
I must stop here, and say technically, Korbin did was he knew to do. We have given him all the information we thought he should have to make wise decisions for a 7 year old. But, I trusted the school lunch room employees and addressed in Korbins 504 plan that he is not to be eating foods that may contain "piggy back" allergens. Like soybeans. But because piggy back allergens can be complicated, we have not gone into this with him. That is one of the reason we had a written 504 plan drawn up, to help the school be an extension of our eyes and ears. But they choose not to pay attention to it, and did not inform us in any manor that they were serving these cookies, so I could not check what I did not know existed further more no one is communicating the written directions of the 504 to all the members of our extended eyes and ears team.
My room began to swirl and I got sick to my stomach! I thought I was going to pass out!
"Get it together!", I heard a voice come from within the pit of my stomach saying. I excused myself from the living room and splashed some cold water on my face. I knew exactly what could have happened if they changed the brand of cookies and it looked similar to the other or changed the way the manufacturer processed the cookie in the plant. I was not going to cry!!
I trusted these people with my baby!!!
Rod and I email the principle and talked with Korbin. He was so innocent in his answers to our questions! Just a child trying to wrap his head around an allergy that I have trouble handling all of the components of myself.
I felt as if the school has abused my trust by their laziness!
It was a simple question, "If were have to check the ingredients, lets double check with Mrs. C ( the principle) and make sure you can have this." I know she would have directed Korbin to Rod or I for further clarification, because she has so many times before. Instead, they just asked for his money. But, it must have been too inconvenient for someone to walk 10 more steps out of their way to ask.
I have talked with each person working in the lunch room and educated them that if that were to happen, they they were to direct Korbin to Mrs. C. They knew what to do, and choose not too. And because of what they choose not to do, we could have paid a very dear price!
Later that night, I cried and thanked God once again for protecting Korbin!
By the 2nd have of the week, Konnor began to have problems with his Asthma and we began his steroid and nebulizer treatments. The steroids make my sweet boy into an emotional mess as well as cause his sleep patterns to be sporadic.
Now, I was overwhelmed with work, exhausted from Konnor and emotional from Korbin and then we were adding stress into the mix as I studied for my A&P test.
I posted something on FB trying to possibly relieve some stress about Korbins allergy, because after all it appears that everyone else seems to post whatever they choose on their status updates, instead I got lambasted from several fronts. My heart was broken, but I pushed on because that what I do and accepted apologies from those who offered because that's what Christan's do. Alot of time, flat text comes across in different manor than we anticipate. It has happened to me. So, who would I be to not listen to those people who have done the same thing I am guilty of myself? I am hurt nonetheless.
By Friday, I was at my breaking point only to find out it was going to get worse.
Much worse. If I thought the school had broken my trust, I could not even begin to anticipate the the type of mistrust I would be struggling with today regarding a completely different situation.
Friday was 2 days ago and I have been crying, and praying hoping to make sense of something I accidentally over heard but what not meant too.
When I was in high school I was friends who a group of people, who had later decided that they no longer wished to be friends with me. I was caught off guard with their behavior& things they said and as I result decided that I did not need friends. I went through college, and most of my twenties never making more than a casual acquaintance. Friendship was not worth the hurt I would eventually incur. As Korbin got older, Rod and I decided that we needed to show him the types of friends he should have through making relationships of our own.
Today, I am wondering why I thought I could possibly have friends! The price is much more than I can bare when they hurt me! One of the reasons I married Rod was because I wanted to marry my friend, and I knew that Rod would never betray me. Sure, Rod & I have had our ups & downs, it seems as if more downs than ups in recent years, but when my heart can not possibly handle one more thing; my best friend Rod steps in to carry me through until my heart can beat again with out the oxygen Rod gives it. I am not sure what I would have done without him this week, because I certainly would not have made it!!
It has been a rough week, and now I am left with more questions than answers! My heart has been broken into more pieces than I ever thought possible and I am not sure how to sure how to go on from here!
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