Missed Blogging

I have definately left somethings undone to do others, like take care of Konnor and take Korbin to school, soccer and t-ball. Blogging is one of those things. When I started this blog, so many warned me against it! People who do not necessarily know you are reading about your life and/or people who think that they know you are reading about your life. Both are making opinions about the writtings you posted some good and others not so good.
But when I look back over my postings, I reread my struggles with food, the journey through motherhood and being a wife. I enjoy reading what I was doing and knowing how far I have come. Somethings break my heart all over again, and some revive my desire to continue to be the best I can be. That is where I am right now.
I miss blogging, just like I miss working out and I miss the routine of life that I use to have. So, as life moves forward at a break neck speed, I am going to try and record more of my journey again. Instead of just my woe's, I will record more of my triumphs. I will be open and honest, yet thoughtful and respectful to the rights and privacy of others.
I have always loved journaling but the novelty of pen and paper escapes me these days, mainly because of the clutter and the dust that it keeps. Maybe that is why blogging appeals to me so, especially in the day in age of "mommy bloggers", it definately fit's me and my life style.
Will I return daily? I am not sure. Weekly, at this point is my goal. I want to revive my desire for life again, instead of this depressing slump I have been it. I put on a smile and go out trying not to let other see the pain that I carry inside. But, I am done hidding! I did not hide my battle with food, or my fears of not being good enough as a wife, mother, etc so I will not hide the depression that I have allowed let slip into my life over my husbands job-less-ness. I will share my pain and struggles and show myself and other how God has used all of this for not only my own good but His glory!!!

Ice Cofee Recipes

I am hooked on Ice Coffee's!! So, I needed to find some recipes to make at home with the calorie count and fat grams to get my weight/protien back under control. I have been feeling pretty awful recently, and I think it is because I have been to lax on my food and vitamens. So this is what I have found ( although I have not tried them yet!):

Ice Coffee
Prep time: 15 minutes Serves: 4 (1-cup)
Details:Whipped topping turns this coffee milk into a satisfying, rich-tasting dessert. The cinnamon stick stirrer adds a light spiced flavor. You can also sprinkle some ground cinnamon on top, if you like.
Ingredients:
3 cups strongly brewed decaffeinated coffee,
chilled1 cup fat-free or 1% milk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 teaspoons granular sugar substitute
Ice cubes
1/2 cup fat-free or light whipped topping
Pinch ground cinnamon for garnish (optional)
4 cinnamon sticks for garnish (optional)
Directions:
In a pitcher, combine coffee, milk, vanilla, and sugar substitute; stir well. Fill 4 (10-ounce) glasses with ice. Pour coffee mixture over ice. Spoon 2 tablespoons of the whipped topping into each glass.Stir gently so that some topping mixes with coffee and some remains at the top of the glass. Garnish each with a pinch of ground cinnamon and a cinnamon stick, if using.
Nutritional Information:
50 calories0 g fat (0 g sat)
6 g carbohydrate
2 g protein
0 g fiber
45 mg sodium

-OR-

Brew your coffee double strength (decaf)Pour coffee into a glass full of ice cubes (16-20 ounce glass )Use 3- 4 packets of the orignal flavor creamers by coffee-mate Sugar Free Vanilla Syrup (measure to how sweet you want and use the flavor of your choice )Oh and the best thing is its 60 calories maxium

I will try them both out and let you know!!!!!!!!!!!

Finding my Blessings

I am in a HUGE slump right now!! Rod has officially been out of work of 19 months now! We thought we seen a light at the end of the tunnel with a job in Iowa. But, just as the others, the job that Rod interviewed 2+ times for was given to someone else. To say I was disappointed was an understatement!! Then, to top things off, I hurt my back with pains shooting down both of my legs. I have no idea what caused this pain, I did not fall or do anything out of the ordinary. With no health insurance, a trip to the doctor is out of the question.

There are so many people telling me not to give up, to hang in there. However, I am not sure I can. The necessities that others take for granted, we have to scrap together for. Food, Clothing, the Money to pay Rent. I am tired, no wait exhausted, and over burdened. There is no relief in sight and all that I thought I stood on, I am starting to question.

I will NEVER turn my back on God. I know to much and my love, for a savior who gave His life for me that I may not spend enternity in a sinner's Hell, is a grande love. I have seen Him through out this situation over and over again. I do not question His ability or Sovernity. However, I question me?! Am I in the center of His will? What have I done to deserve all of this? Is there something that He want me/us to do that we are just not seeing/doing? The question list is endless.

I am depressed and overwhelmed. I am trying to find the good in all of this bad! So, as I look around I am trying to count my blessings as I tie another knot and hang on. Here are a few of the blessing I look at daily to help me see that no matter what: God is Good!!

The burdens of life

I am sooo stressed that the weight of several burdens at once feel as if I am carrying steal upon my shoulders!! It is 11:30 at night and typically I am in bed at 10pm, and there is no end in sight to the thoughts whirling through my head. I feel as if I am in a vortex, things whirling around me at a break neck speed with no escape. Sadly, I have no idea how I arrived in the mixed-up madness that seems to surround me at every angle.
As I sit back and try to "count my blessings" and exhale, I can not seem to get past the obvious before the worries and fears begin to creep back in. As it stands, I can not seem to catch my breathe!!
My amazing husband has been out of work for more than a year and a half now. Several weeks ago, he went for a series of interviews beating out over 500 candidates! Just as we thought a job was on the horizon, our hopes were dashed yet again as they offered the position to the "other guy" in my husband very last interview. As we sit back and try to glean wisdom from what God allowed to happen yet again, it is only human to feel defeated.
There is an on going saga with my little sister and her two daughters, that simply breaks my heart. I want to have all the answers for them, to take away their pain and support them in every way possible.However, it seems that I am unable to keep my own head above water rendering me helpless in her current situation. I wonder why God is allowing this? What good can come from such heart ache? However, I know that He allows things to bring us into a right relationship with him and all things work together for good for those that love him and are called according to His purpose. Yet, it does not make these trails any easier to bare as we look for tangible answers but do not receive them.
When my mom died 11 years ago, my mamaw stepped right in to help me get through those moments that I needed my own mom but did not have her available. After the birth of my first son, I remember crying and asking my mamaw why I still needed mom so much even at 26. Putting her own pain aside, she wiped my tears and allowed me to lean on her in my own mom absence creating an amazing bond that words can not express. As I sit here, I am looking at the possibility, sooner than later, of being on earth without her and I am just unsure how to process this impending reality. I know the pain of loosing a parent,and a grandparent but I am unsure where to classify this type of relationship. Codependent? Special? Untitlable? Just not sure...
Better yet, I wonder why it is that I have to analyze and compartmentalize my life so much. I have never had the ability to just "handle things as they come" like my sister. I have to anticipate them, rationalize them and compartmentalize them to cope. However, in each experience with death I have had in the past, it has been pre- motherhood. How do I explain such unexplainable pain to my analytical son?
I literally and physically exhausted but I can not turn off my brain.
A dear friend is dealing with health issues with her son, that causes me to be more thankful every day for the things that I do not have to deal with, that what I do have to deal with. Her pain is my pain as I know the love a mother has for her child only wanting the best for him. I want to step in and somehow change what is happening to this amazing little boy who has somehow become my own son's "best friend". But sadly, I can not. I tell us both- that God is great physican and can heal whom he chooses but I am left at a loss at the posssiblity that what is happening is the will of the almighty for the greater good. It is hard to see the road for the bumps and potholes along the way. I want to believe and need to believe that soon there will be a smooth ride, at least long enough for us to heal and breathe again.
The straw that broke my back tonight is getting the word that someone who has unknowingly affected my life has been sticken with cancer. She is a mother of four, with her youngest being a year and several months older that my baby. Still a baby himself, forming memories and just beginning his life. This beginning is that of his mother fighting for her life so that she can see his life,and the life of her other babies, as they grow-up. Yes, I said babies because even as they grow somehow those children, teen-agers and adults still always manage to be your "babies" becuase of the place they hold in your heart. My heart aches in an amazing way for this mom of four as I pray and ask God to be merciful to her and that family. It is going to be a hard road, one I am praying that I never have to journey on myself. A road that I will journey down in prayer for this person and trusting in God's amazing abilites to touch her and health her and help her to handle all that this means. As I pray for her as a woman, a mother and a wife. I will pray for her kids- that God will shield them for the pain of this disease and allow them only to feel and remember things that will give them positive purpose for His will in thier lives. I will pray for he husband- the man she wants to spend her life with and grow old with. That God will grant that wish for the both of them. I will pray for those around her to uplift her on a daily basis and to help her to see that for some reason, God will be glorfied through this madness!!
It is after midnight now, and I wish I had more clarity. Alas, I do not. I do know this: No matter what God is Good. Circumstances are not. Life is not. Things can turn out exactly in the opposite direction as you thought they would...but if I went through all of this without God and the prospect of heaven. I would certainly go crazy instead of just wondering if I am going crazy!

Getting Back on the Wagon

So it was no secret that when I got pregnant with Konnor I began a DWIT (do what ever it takes) diet to help him get the nutrition he needed. Where in I developed a certain affection for chicken nuggets...hmmmm, protien indeed!! However, the calories and fat grams where completely off the charts and this aided in my necessary weight gain.
Now that reality has set back in, I need to settle back into my high protien, low/no sugar, low fat/low carbohydrate life style that has aided me to loose all of this weight. To admit that I am scared is a mere understatement! What if I can not reclaim my eatting? What if I can not achieve my goal weight? What if.. What if.. What if????? I am plagued with what if's about my currently eatting situation and I feal as if the world is watching me to see if I can indeed do what I set out to do by meeting my goal weight of 179 pounds.
As I sat there at my sister's this evening, of course eatting her famous chip dip, I asked what would be the harm in maintain my currently 203 pound status instead of trimming the fat and continueing down my weight loss journey?After all, everyone says I look great and I feal pretty great so what would be the harm in staying where I am???
Her answer: Nothing! There would be no harm in staying where I am, it is a heck of alot less that 379 pounds! To hear her say what I have been thinking gave me a sense of relief. It also gave me a sense of purpose: I do not have loose any more weight since my weight is no long my identity. It is a number on a scale but does not define me. I am now free to be me: Kristy; Mommy, Wife of one husband, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, saved by grace and so much more but no longer my weight!! I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off of me!!
Yet, I felt challenged. I set a goal for myself and why shouldn't I achieve it?? I have never achieved a goal I have set for myself, and don't I deserve to achieve my dreams??? I never completed college or ran a marathon or become a photographer,or a published author or traveled around Europe, all dreams I had hope to bring into existence. In the same vain of comparisson, I have accomplished things that I did not know I wanted- to get married, to serve my mate with thoughtfulness and compassion, to have children and to stay at home with them, serve my Lord and Savior with passion and humility, to care of our aging population, and to become healthy.
So, I have choosen to finish what I have started for once and loose that last 24 pounds. After all, I have already lost 177 pounds, shouldn't I be able to loose a mere 24???? The answer is yes!! I have all the tools and knowledge and have already started down the path, not I just have to continue down the road. As today is Sunday, the day in which every new week begins for all bible based christains, I look to Monday as the beginning of the "work" week. What will I work on this week???
I will work on getting in at least 64oz's of water everday. I will take my vitamens and supplements everyday. I will eat my meals without drinking and will not drink for 15 minutes after eatting. I also will eat my protien first and will eat two bites of protien to evey one bite of complex carbohydrates on my plate. I will track my food in a journal and figure out how many calories/fat grams/ carbohydrates I am eatting and work on getting those in check for the following week. I will make it a commitment to get to the gym at least two times this week. Those are the things I would like to work on this week. These are all things I can control, and know that if I am to meet my big goal I must first start by meeting little ones.

I am not Carnie Wilson!!!!

This morning I had a hand full of dorittos for breakfast, and I felt completely justified in reaching into the red bag of carbohydrates because it was the third night this week that I was up throughout the night with both boys for one reason or another. I am completely wiped out both physically and emotionally.
There is so much going on in my life right now, and it seems almost impossible to stop myself from "worrying" over everything!! If I am awake I am thinking and if I am asleep, I am dreaming about what I should be thinking about if I were awake. It is a horrorible circle of anxiety that I do not seem to be able to shake, which is totally effecting my weight loss.
To back the train up a little, I had Konnor is October and with in a few weeks most of my "baby weight" was gone, give or take 10 pounds or so. Then, on December 11 I went to the ER because I was experiencing some pain in the upper right quaderant of my stomach, and stayed there for 6 days as they removed my gallbladder. It was an open procedure, and because of my gastric bypass, I left the hospital with a T-Tube and a JP drain, and thirty two staples and various holes and cuts in my stomach.
Earlier this week, I sat in my living room recently discharged from my activity restriction watching Dr. Oz. I love Dr. Oz! He is a no nonsense kinda Dr and he typically puts his heart where is mouth is and speaks from there.His guest this day was Carnie Wilson.
Encase you are not familiar with Carnie, she was a member of the group Wilson Phillips in the 80's and her dad is Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. She, like me, has been battling her weight since early childhood. In 1999, she broadcasted her gastric bypass over the internet and lost alot of weight. Her very public battle with weight has been a source of strength and comfort for me as I also battled obesity. Since becoming an active member in my own life again, I stopped keeping track of Carnie.
To say I was shocked to see her again was an understatement!! I was completely unprepared to see that she has gained back alot of her weight and was know asking Dr. Oz for his help to get off the up and down rollercoaster her weight had been on. I watched the show in a stunned silence, and mulled over the shows contense for the rest of the day. It is very rare that I am moved by a daily talk show, but this particular day I could not get the recent picture of Carnie Wilson out of my mind verses the memory of the black and white photo I took standing in our apartment in the early morning hours before my own gastric bypass.
Today, I weigh 203 pounds. Which is exacly nine pounds heavier than my prepregnancy weight. For a normal person, a nine pound weight gain after pregnancy would probably be cause for celebration. However, for someone who had has a life long weight battle, nine pounds is only a few pounds away from that person I never want to become again!!!
It took me several days to come to terms with the realization that I am not Carnie. Although we share many common food issues, I simply will not allow myself to go back there!!! Ever!!!! Over the next days and weeks, I will get back to my protien shakes, tracking my calories/fat grams and exerising. I will tack my progress and I will succeed!!!!!!!

Konnor Ryman has arrived!!!

This is me as I changed from my beautiful powder blue baby foot print maternity shirt and way too tight pregnancy jeans into this wonderful hospital gown. The photo was taken moments before I was whisked away into the surgery room to meet our beautiful little bundle of joy. If I look huge in this picture, it was because I was huge!! I gained 45 pounds during this pregnancy, which made Dr. F elated but me not so much! Sigh, I made it my mission to gain enough weight to have a healthy baby and as I walked into the surgical room I was prepared for the birth of a small baby due to my gastric bypass.





Konnor Rymon was born Tuesday, October 6th at 8:42 am and weighed 7lbs 4oz's and 19 1/4 inches long. I held my breath as I heard him cry for the first time and waited until they announced his weight... 7 pounds?! Did they say 7 pounds 4 ounces??? That was just one ounce smaller than his brother!! He was not a small baby after all!!! I felt relieved, my weight gain was not for nothing!! Tears filled my face, as I breathed a sigh of huge relief.. I guess I did not realize how scared I was.. I made the decision to have weight loss surgery to save my life so that I could be a mother to Korbin. However, I had never anticipated that those same decisions would effect the life of dream I had prayed for so long. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days, and came home Friday evening.


Life began swirling around me and I tried to breast feed for the first time, although Konnor was our second child, Korbin was completely bottle feed. I was exhausted but exhilarated, I contemplated giving up at least once a day. My breast were so sore and I was only getting an hour or two of sleep at a time, not to mention the stress I was under since Konnor was rapidly loosing weight. We took him to the doctor every week for six weeks to have his weight checked, every time to be the potential time that they would hospitalize him for failure to thrive.

This is Konnor at three months old, approximently 12 1/2 pounds. When Konnor was 2 months old, I was hospitalized for 6 days to have my gallbladder removed. During which time, I had to stop breast feeding and Konnors weight began to sky rocket with the formula!! He is a wonderful baby, always happy and generally smiling!!

God has truly blessed me beyond measure and I am so thankful to be a mommy again. To date, I have lost all but 9 pounds of my "baby weight" and look forward to continuing my weight loss journey! It won't be easy, but I know that if I can loose 177 pounds and I loose that last little bit to get to my goal weight. Weight loss surgery for me was not a quick fix but the answer to a life long battle, which did not end on the day of surgery but merely just began.