The American Dream

It seems as if the america dream when I got out of high school was simple: Go to college and graduate, get a job, meet an amazing man, get married and travel for a couple of years, buy a house, have a couple of kids and live happily ever after.
No where in there was my mom dying and reeking havoc on my entire adult life. Gaining 150+pounds, having diabetes, and my husband being laid off 3 times in our married lives of six years.
Now it seems my entire "american dream" as I knew it has been turned on its head, with the exception meeting and marrying an amazing man. With whom I have weathered these storms of truimph and tragedy with.
I thought as a child/teenager if I could just manage the catosphy that was my life, then I could make my own decisions thus being happier. Yet, as life would have it just as I became comfortable in my own skin on the campus of EMU at 21 that same life would be turned upside down with a single 2am phone call. As mothers day ended and my nightmare began in 1999, I sobbed on the phone to my best friend that my mom has had a heartattack and 'passed on' as the result.Two days later, at her funeral luncheon, this is not the way I thought my adult life should began.
One year later, I left EMU because I could not handle the stress of working full time, dealing my own emotions of mom's death and my family's issues, along with going to school. I got my first apartment close to my sister, and together we grieved the loss of our mother. In the two years following, I met the man who would be my husband and together I thought I would finally have some sort of normallacy in this life.
We were engaged after 6 months, and planned to be married that next August. Our orginal plans to have an intimate wedding in Hawii were dashed and instead we had a large family wedding complete with an even larger family headache close to our hometowns. This should have been our clue to not come back from our amazing honeymoon, yet with stars in our eyes and a 'our love an conquer anything' attitude we settled down in our one bedroom apartment and focused on what we thought was our american dream.
Over the next days and months we would experience a gamit of highs and lows from job issues to life threatening health problems. Which leaves me asking the question now: What is the American Dream anyways??

Packing! Packing! Packing!

The packing has officially began, and I am so over it already!! Granted, it has been 2 1/2 years since we first moved into this apartment, I am still not looking forward to boxing up all of our things and moving them to another place.

When we signed our lease in Febraury, they exented us a 6 month lease before raising our rent to unmanagable amounts for a 2 bed room unit. As a result, we knew that in July we would be moving. Now July is before us and so is the daunting question of where are we moving?

It stands to reason that most people know where they are going prior to planning to go. However, we are trusting in the Lord that He will provide our needs. Which totally goes against my grain of planning everything to death, but none the less I am putting my faith into action and believing in God's promises.

I will not tell you how hard this is, but Gods word also says " Let patience have her perfect work" which means that through this trial God is working out His plan to exerise patience in our lives. Patience has not always been my strong suit, however, in the last days and months Rod and I have learned a great deal about ourselves and our marriage. Which is why God's word also says in James 1:2 " Count is all Joy when you fall into various trails" because these are things we may not have learned any other way. Both Rod & I are extremely thankful for the things God has shown us; however painful they may have been and how He has strengethen our marriage through these things. Rod truly is the love of my love and I love him more daily, job or not.

So, as I enter day# 3 of packing, I am physically and emotionally exhausted, but ironically optimistic. I know God has our answer, and we are looking forward to how He is going to supply our needs that we may rejoice and give Him all of the praise for what He has done in our lives!!

I need....

Taco Dip!!!! I had it when I was helping a friend out and ever since then I go into craving overload and MUST have some!!! My first craving was so intense I literally called everyone I knew to find out who had a membership to Sam's Club where I could find this premade 5 layer dip that my taste buds were shouting for!!!

When I was pregnant with Korbin, I never had such an intense craving like this. I had a few things that I needed to have, but nothing that I NEEDED to have!

As far as my weighloss surgery diet, this is not the worse thing I could choose. The beans, cheese and light sour cream make it a decent sourse of protien. The fat grams are through the roof, but the chips which are required to eat such a dip are the down fall of the entire dish! I try to get the whole grain tortilla chips, which my budget and availablity allow. However, these days my enitre bypass diet is gone to the dogs!!

When Dr. F said to do what ever it took to gain weight, I was completely astonished and very determined to have a healthy baby. Just as looked at my meal times differantly after I had my weightloss surgery(wls), I looked at it differantly when I got pregnant. As each child is different, so it each pregnancy, I did not anticipate the severe sickness that over took my body in the first four months.

I have spent some time recently trying to figure out how to bounce back from this anything goes diet back to my strict, high protien diet that I need to be on to maintain my weightloss. To date, I have only gained 8 lbs, and look to gain gain 12 more. Which to my estimation, should be mostly baby, water and placenta. However, prior to being pregnant I was 197 which was 18 pounds away from my goal weight of 179 (which is 200lbs away from my highest weight).

Alas, I have 3 months away from delivery and 6-8 weeks after that to figure out exactly when/how I tackle the regain/loss that I need to work on. I had this surgery in order to be healthy for my family and I will make sure that I look up on this next leg of the race just as that- how to stay healthy.As for the taco dip? Praise the Lord, this pregnancy has been pretty typical and that is why I say " Give the Belly what is wants!"

25 weeks and counting

At this gestation, the baby should measure 13 1/2 inches and weigh a pound and a half. Which is about the size of an average rutabaga( which Korbin looked at and said "whew, that thing has alot of hair on it", lol).

At 24 weeks, I had my monthly dr's appointment which ended my 2nd trimester and began my 3rd. I gained 8 pounds, and measure a week smaller than I actaully am. I BP is good, is hanging steady at 100/60 and the baby's heart rate is 150 beats per minute.

Dr. F was happy with my weight gain, although I was completely shocked with gaining that much in the course of one month!!

At my next appointment in July, I will be having my glucose intolerance test which is the mosting discusting thing that you have to drink in a matter of minutes, only for a wls patient to get sick and "dump" on because you chugged a pure liquid sugar cane. What fun?! So, my appointment is estimated to last an hour and half to two hours, which is why I am praying that my dad will be home to help out with Korbin!

Today, Korbin and I went swimming for the first time this summer. The 97 degree tempatures here in Detriot, brought a unique way to keep cool and keep Korbbie busy so with noodle in hand we headed to the pool. My little fish enjoyed himself immensley, as I tried my hand at swimming with a rutabaga under my ribs. As the water relieved some of my back pain, my balance was completely off and I found my face in the water more often than not.

Rod is still unemployed and I am still a stay at home mommy and wife of one and a half! These past days and weeks, through there trail and tribulation, have brought my wonderful husband and I closer together in ways many may not understand. God is amazing, and He has showed us so much about who we are and decisions we need to make in our lives to be close to Him and bond together as a family.

As hard as it may be to say, we are completely thankful for this trail and its high's and low's and how we are able to glorify Him through it all. Through all of our questioning " Where are you Lord" He is has been here all along as in the very beginning of this leg of our journey He gave us a baby as a sign to us, just as He gave Noah a rainbow, that things will be ok. Although I am not sure how or when yet, we trust in Him and Him alone, to provide our needs. God is Good!!!

Music and Misunderstanding

Last week ( at 22 weeks) I began putting headphones on my tummy to let the baby listen a beethoven classical baby CD. Korbin loved this CD prior to being born, so it was naturaul for me to want to do it for this baby as well. It was an event to try and find head phones in this high- tech enviroment, so I began to focus on the task of finding these crazy headphones! Which to my surprise effected Korbin very dramtically.

One night during our family prayer time, Rod asked Korb what he wanted to pray for and his response broke my heart!! " I want to pray that mommy will love as much as she loves the baby!" I was devestated to hear that my little love would even consider the thought that I might not love him as much as our new little miracle. This was the beginning for tears that lasted for two long days as I tried to work through the confusion of how to explain to him that he is not going to be replaced in our family but I could share my love for him with another.

It never occured to me that I could not have enough love for two children. I yearned for this baby for so long, that I loved him the moment I knew he existed, just I did with Korbin. I have heard many say, that your love for your second or subsiquent children is different than the love you have for your first child. However, as much as I love Korbin, I love his brother as much but in a different fashion. Korbin was my first and I grew as a mommy as he grew from an infant into a toddler into this little boy right before my very eyes. This child, I have just as many hopes, dreams, and plans for as my first. However, I am a little older and a little wiser and more steady on my mommy legs than before. I am looking forward to my life with two little boys, and enjoying all those firsts with this little guy too.

As for Korbin, he is an amazing child with a keen sense of understanding and a sensitivity that boogles the mind for being a four year old. And over the following days, Rod and I have reasssured him that he is going to be an amazing big brother and no one will ever take his place in our home or lives, he will always be mommy's little angle bear. He smiles when I say this, and I smile to because I love being a mommy and I know that he is going to love being a big brother too!

21 weeks

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted and there is alot to catch up on. In week # 19, on May 13th we went over to the hospital to have our ultrasound done. We were originally scheduled at the dr.'s office to have the ultrasound done on Monday, May 11th but they asked us to reschedule at the hospital because they have a higher grade machine. So we agreed and went home, slightly frustrated. Korbin was hugely disappointed, " Great, just great! Now what am I suppose to do with the rest of my day!!" was his response which lighted our mood abit. Leave it too our little comedian!!

At 8am, we headed to the hospital and had a 45 minute ultrasound which yielded us 20 or so pictures of the baby, and the announcement that we are having another little boy!!! Korbin was excited with this too, " Now we will have all menz in our house" he proudly told the ultrasound tech.We made our phone calls to our close family and friends, then headed to our local babies r us to finish our baby registry for the 50 or so things that we need for our little guy.

In week # 20, we had our regular monthly dr.'s appointment. Everything is going along well, with the exception that I have lost 2 pounds. This upsetted Rod greatly. As proud as he is of me for loosing almost 200 lbs, he is secretly looking forward to "feeding" me with things that I will not typically eat. With it being the dr's orders to do what I need to do to gain weight, Rod is doing is best to oblige this situation.

Dr. F addressed Rod's concerns openly and told us that the ultrasound said that the baby looked good, maybe a week behind in the dating but we already knew that because of an earlier ultrasound that said our date was a week earlier but since it was only a week the Dr. would not be changing our due date for anything less than 2 weeks. Also, he was only worried about the size of the baby not the size of the baby's mama, which I think eased Rod's worries alittle bit. My Bp was good 110/60 and the baby's heart rate is 140's. My blood work all came back good last time, he is not really two concerned with anything at this point. He just wants me to keep an eye on my blood sugar, which has been running a steady 98-100 for my fasting.

We also discussed a prospective c-section date. Either Wednesday Sept 30th or my due date, Wednesday Oct 7th. Rod of course is leaning towards the earlier and I am leaning towards the later. This is typical for us, lol.

Yesterday, we turned 21 weeks and our little guy has become very active as of late. Rod could actually stand across the room and see my stomach move. It was even more exciting for him, when he could put his hand on my stomach and feel the movement inside. It was something he very rarely, if at all, he got to feel with Korbin. At this point the baby should be the length of a carrot, and 3/4th of a pound. I have started to notice a pattern of his movement, and enjoy being connected with this wonder little being for these short few months.

Within the next week or so, I will be putting head phones on my stomach so he can listen to music in the evenings. I did this with Korbin and he loved it, so I am interested to see if this little guy loves it as much.

Our next dr. appointment is June 18 @ 24 weeks. Time is flying by to quickly. Korbin is enjoying know that he is gonna have a little brother and asks alot when we can get the baby out? Rod is equally excited to know now he is gonna be the father of two little boys, which mean twice as much sports! As for me, I am kinda relishing in the fact that I am still the queen of my castle to share only with my king and two little princes. I would love to have a princess to shop with, share secrets with and all of those other mother/daughter moments.

But if the Lord chooses to bless us with only sons, I will be just as happy as I assit my amazing husband raising our sons for the Lord and as I pray for their wives-to-be, I will pray that the Lord will help me to have good relationships with each of them and maybe I can share those moments with them instead?!

4 months

Today was my 16 week check up with my ob/gyn, and it was the l o n g e s t dr.'s appointment I have ever had. Dr. F was called into the hospital last night at midnight and delivered 4 babies between that time and the time he arrived at the office today around 12:30pm!! So my 10:20 appointment ended up being a 1 o'clock appointment. Oh well?! Whatcha gonna do? When I have mine, it would be grand if the dr. was present so I guess I do not mind so much if he there for others. Which is what I was thinking hearing lady after lady grumble about the dr's delay.
However, once he got to the office he got down to business! I was in the room at 1 and out by 1:30!! My weight was good as I gained 4 pounds, and I now weigh 198.
It is really hard for me to see the scale creep back up, instead of stay steady or going down. It brings alot of feeling up that I would rather not deal with. However, I am willing to do what is necessary for the health of this baby so, I guess I need to realize that I will not be pregnant forever. My blood pressure was good 110/60 which is right on because during this phase the baby's heart is pumping 25 grams of blood through his or her little body a day, which causes mom's bp to be a little lower than normal.
The nurse found the baby's heart rate right away and it was off to the races with a face paced little chug that was clocked at 150 beats per minute. The dr. said everything looked fine,and asked me to bring my fasting and night time bloodsugars in for the next visit at the end of May. I had some blood work taken today, and Korbin was not really happy about it.He was very afraid for me and kept asking if I was hurt or ok. Then when the tech was done, he ran over and gave me a huge hug! It melted my heart to see how much he cares for me. Korbin has a very caring spirit!
The baby weighs about 3 1/2 ounces and measures about 4 1/2 inches in length, about the size of an avocado. During the next weeks, he or she will go through a growth spurt nearly doubling her or her weight. At 18 weeks, I have an ultrasound scheduled to find out the sex of the baby. Rod & I are super excited to find out, and Korbin is over the top. He simply can not wait to know if he is having a boy baby or a girl baby. Because " that says if it gets a pink or a blue baseball hat". Everything equates to baseball when you are 4, lol.
Last week, I started feeling the baby move. It is random at best but it is a great feeling and I enjoy everytime it happens. I can not wait for Rod and Korbin to be able to feel the baby move too. This is such a special time for us, and I am trying to relish every moment!! It is going by way to quick!!