Last week, I finally had a good eatting week but this week that is not proving to be the case!! By my next ob appointment(which is in 2 weeks), I should have gained 4 pounds but as of right now I toggle back and forth between a one pound(195) gain and nothing(194). This boggles my mind, since I have put the weight gaining business at the very front of my to-do list.
Upon doing some very serious research on how to gain weight for pregnancy, I have discovered one way dr.'s and nutritionist across america are suggesting is a milk shake!! After reading this for the fourth time on the sixth different website, I thought to myself I can do this!! However, I think I skipped the paragraph explaining the the fast food place are missing alot of the calcuim and extra protien that comes from what a homemade shake that can offer pregnant women. So after a severe bout of dumping from an overly sweet milkshake from our local golden arches, I decided to take matters into my own hands-literally!
Rod's next trip out, was to the super market for some vanilla ice cream, skim milk and strawberries. 4 oz's of ice cream, 4 oz's more or less skim milk and 3 large strawberries,and 30 seconds in the blender I had a wonderful shake that gave me extra calcuim, protien and vitamin C that I thought for sure would yeild me a few extra pounds.
Let me stop here, and say that I have spent the last 20 years of my life ( yes! for those of you who did the math 10 was the correct age) I have been dietting and trying to loose weight. Now, suddenly instead of spending every waking minute worried about how I am gonna loose X number of pounds, now I am trying to gain it?! It really does something to your mental image, and gives you a dissorted view of what/who you are. It is a day to day struggle, to eat more and not count the calories and protein grams that I have spent the last year tracking in order to be a success with my wls.
One of the many reasons I had wls surgery to begin with was to have a second or third child. So, now that I am in the middle of this pregnancy, I am willing to do what it takes to see it through and have a healthy baby.
At 14 weeks, the baby is 3 1/2 inches long and weighs 1 1/2 oz's which is about the size of a lemon. All his or her major organs have developed and at this point, he or she is moving alot and I may or may not be able to feel it any time soon. My belly has started to take on a rounder shape, and it is getting harder to do some of the things that I had learned to take for granted after they become normal again. In alot of ways, I feel alot like I am an MO person again, that is sometimes a hard feeling to deal with.
I am still extremely tired, but I am content to deal with these side effects for the out come. I can not wait to meet our new little boy or girl.
I was actually at an office this week and they asked my household side and I said 3, and the lady looked back at the screen confused. Then she asked again, and I gave her the same answer, finally she asked "Um... are you counting the baby that your carrying?".
That was just another moment that I realized that our life is changing and I am finally gonna actually have another baby, not just dream of it!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
12 week check up
Went to see Dr. F this morning at 10 am, I like his office. They are relatively prompt, and we were in and out by 11:15am.
My BP was good, 100 over 70, as well as my weight. I did not gain any weight my first trimester and by week 20( which is 8 weeks away) I should have gain 5-8 pounds.
He thinks that the reason for my extremely exhaustion is because of lack of food in tack, not low iron or B-12, my labs were fine in Feb. and he will redraw them next month and do a fasting glucose test. He wants to stay on top of my Blood Sugar numbers from the get go because I was gestational with Korbin which makes me more susceptible to going back on insulin with this pregnancy too.
The baby's heart rate was 150, and the nurse said that anywhere from 130-160 was good. I looked in my pregnancy journal for Korbin and his heart rate was mainly in the 140's. Girl??? We will see. My next appointment is at the end of April, and then I will make an OB Ultrasound appt for two weeks after that, and then we can find out the sex of the baby.
Dr. F also said that I did not need an extra folic acid supplement at this point, because the forming of the spinal column which is what folic acid helps was already formed by 10 weeks. Plus most prenatal's have 1 mg of folic acid in them, and since I am malabsorptive, I may only be getting half which would be .5mg and as along as I am getting .4mg's the baby should be fine. So since I am taking an extra prenatal every other day, I should be ok!!
The morning ( or all day) sickness should pass within the next week or 2, if it is going too. If it doesn't then I may just be one of the lucky ones that are sick thier entire pregnancy?! Lucky??? Yeah right!!
It was a nice visit, I loved hearing the heart beat! So did Korbin. For most of the day, he has walked around making the washing machine noise " like the baby's heart". He did not like, however, the dr. or the nurse pressing around on my stomach. He was bothered that they might be hurting me or the baby, plus he is really protective over me and wanted to know why they were touching HIS mommy.
I felt some sort of relief after hearing the baby's heart beat, that he or she is ok in there. And now it is another month of waitting. With Korbin, I started off going to the dr. twice a month, so this once a month appointment is kinda strange to me. Yet, I am kinda liking the normality of it all. This is just another positive reward of having gastric bypass for me!!!!
My BP was good, 100 over 70, as well as my weight. I did not gain any weight my first trimester and by week 20( which is 8 weeks away) I should have gain 5-8 pounds.
He thinks that the reason for my extremely exhaustion is because of lack of food in tack, not low iron or B-12, my labs were fine in Feb. and he will redraw them next month and do a fasting glucose test. He wants to stay on top of my Blood Sugar numbers from the get go because I was gestational with Korbin which makes me more susceptible to going back on insulin with this pregnancy too.
The baby's heart rate was 150, and the nurse said that anywhere from 130-160 was good. I looked in my pregnancy journal for Korbin and his heart rate was mainly in the 140's. Girl??? We will see. My next appointment is at the end of April, and then I will make an OB Ultrasound appt for two weeks after that, and then we can find out the sex of the baby.
Dr. F also said that I did not need an extra folic acid supplement at this point, because the forming of the spinal column which is what folic acid helps was already formed by 10 weeks. Plus most prenatal's have 1 mg of folic acid in them, and since I am malabsorptive, I may only be getting half which would be .5mg and as along as I am getting .4mg's the baby should be fine. So since I am taking an extra prenatal every other day, I should be ok!!
The morning ( or all day) sickness should pass within the next week or 2, if it is going too. If it doesn't then I may just be one of the lucky ones that are sick thier entire pregnancy?! Lucky??? Yeah right!!
It was a nice visit, I loved hearing the heart beat! So did Korbin. For most of the day, he has walked around making the washing machine noise " like the baby's heart". He did not like, however, the dr. or the nurse pressing around on my stomach. He was bothered that they might be hurting me or the baby, plus he is really protective over me and wanted to know why they were touching HIS mommy.
I felt some sort of relief after hearing the baby's heart beat, that he or she is ok in there. And now it is another month of waitting. With Korbin, I started off going to the dr. twice a month, so this once a month appointment is kinda strange to me. Yet, I am kinda liking the normality of it all. This is just another positive reward of having gastric bypass for me!!!!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Business Opportunity
My huband has been off work for nearly four months now, and to say it has been a rocky road is a sincere understatement!!! However, through God's help, strength and guidence we have learned alot about ourselves as individuals. As well as parents and marriage partners.
Last week was a heart breaking one, as we seen a sincere business oppportunity literally slip through our fingers. This nightmare of a journey we have been on was so close to being over we could taste it. Yet, it was not what the Lord had instore of us, and was gone before we even had it. It was a very angry, frustrating week end but when our new week began on Sunday our spirits abounded thanks to what the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts and we began to look upward. Literally.
Today, Rod had a couple of promising phone calls that may pan into something more. As we are looking to our Savior and Creator for wisdom and direction, we are taking a step back and allowing God to control this horrorfic situation we have attempted to control ourselves.
I do not know when this nightmare will be over, I pray it is soon. The toll stress is taking on us is making us weary to continue to run this race we have been called to complete. Phillippians 4:13 says " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". As a runner in this race, I wear this on my chest and back as an identifier of who I am; nobody.
I am no one in and of myself, but through Christ Alone, I can do what ever He wills of me. How strange it is that I have read or heard this scripture so many, many times and now in the middle of lifes catostrophe I finally hear and understand it's meaning.
Lord, through this madness, you are still so, so , so good to us. I look forward to seeing in what amazing fashion you are going to answer our prayers!!
Last week was a heart breaking one, as we seen a sincere business oppportunity literally slip through our fingers. This nightmare of a journey we have been on was so close to being over we could taste it. Yet, it was not what the Lord had instore of us, and was gone before we even had it. It was a very angry, frustrating week end but when our new week began on Sunday our spirits abounded thanks to what the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts and we began to look upward. Literally.
Today, Rod had a couple of promising phone calls that may pan into something more. As we are looking to our Savior and Creator for wisdom and direction, we are taking a step back and allowing God to control this horrorfic situation we have attempted to control ourselves.
I do not know when this nightmare will be over, I pray it is soon. The toll stress is taking on us is making us weary to continue to run this race we have been called to complete. Phillippians 4:13 says " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". As a runner in this race, I wear this on my chest and back as an identifier of who I am; nobody.
I am no one in and of myself, but through Christ Alone, I can do what ever He wills of me. How strange it is that I have read or heard this scripture so many, many times and now in the middle of lifes catostrophe I finally hear and understand it's meaning.
Lord, through this madness, you are still so, so , so good to us. I look forward to seeing in what amazing fashion you are going to answer our prayers!!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Week # 11
Sorry I have not updated you with what is going on with the baby and the pregnancy recently, I have just been an emotional ball of mush recently, and every time I have tried to blog I cry all over the key board!!
Things are going well, as far as we know anyway. We go this Thursday morning to see Dr. F for our twelve week visit. He said we would listen for the heartbeat, and do an ultrasound to see that the baby is growing sufficiently. There is a possibility, ever so slightly, that we could find out the sex of the baby during this ultrasound. However, we will most likely find out next month.
My little baby belly is starting to stick out a little, and my size 18 reclaimed jeans are getting to tight around the middle and when I wear them, I have to do so unbuttoned.
As far as maternity wear, I have 3 long sleeve shirts that I am alternating between. Thanks to the clearance rack at Target and the resale shops, we have spent less than 20.00 on all three. I am trying not to buy alot of clothing right now, mainly because we can not afford for me to do so, but I will spend the bulk of my pregnancy during the summer months so I will need more short sleeve shirts than long. I have a single pair of maternity Capri's that I wear most everyday regardless of the weather since they are the only thing that fit. Thanks to my mother-in-law, that is going to change soon since she so kindly bought me a pair of maternity jeans during a shopping trip this past week.
My weight is a steady 193, for the moment. I originally lost 8 pounds due to morning sickness in the beginning. The scale has since rebounded, and has stayed steady for the last week or so which thrills my husband to death. I really would not like to rise above 194 until my first trimester officially ends next week, which would leave to to gain nothing my first trimester. Then it is the doctors goal for me to gain 1/2 a pound a week during the course of the rest of the pregnancy. As for vitamins, I am alternating taking a second vitamin every other day in addition to the one I take daily. I will be asking about a folic acid supplement, and for the doctor to do more blood work because I am unusually exhausted even for being pregnant and I think my B-12 or my iron is outta whack.
Rod and I have finalized our pick of baby names, but as to our tradition, we will not be telling anyone the name until the baby arrives. Rod enjoyed being able to introduce our son for the first time to our friends and family by his name. So, per my husbands request, we will be keeping this child's name quiet too. But rest assured, as soon as we know we will tell everyone the sex of the baby- we could not keep that a secret too!!
Korbin could care less what the baby's name is, as long as it is a girl. That is his only request!! We have not told him our picks, although he is a good secret keeper, a 4 year-old could only take so much and we did not want to put his in that position to ignore all the temptation from our families to get him to tell them the baby's name.
I am looking forward to the end of the first trimester and the increased energy that usually comes in the second. I am also hoping I leave the morning sickness in the first trimester, and move on to greener eatting pastures :)
Things are going well, as far as we know anyway. We go this Thursday morning to see Dr. F for our twelve week visit. He said we would listen for the heartbeat, and do an ultrasound to see that the baby is growing sufficiently. There is a possibility, ever so slightly, that we could find out the sex of the baby during this ultrasound. However, we will most likely find out next month.
My little baby belly is starting to stick out a little, and my size 18 reclaimed jeans are getting to tight around the middle and when I wear them, I have to do so unbuttoned.
As far as maternity wear, I have 3 long sleeve shirts that I am alternating between. Thanks to the clearance rack at Target and the resale shops, we have spent less than 20.00 on all three. I am trying not to buy alot of clothing right now, mainly because we can not afford for me to do so, but I will spend the bulk of my pregnancy during the summer months so I will need more short sleeve shirts than long. I have a single pair of maternity Capri's that I wear most everyday regardless of the weather since they are the only thing that fit. Thanks to my mother-in-law, that is going to change soon since she so kindly bought me a pair of maternity jeans during a shopping trip this past week.
My weight is a steady 193, for the moment. I originally lost 8 pounds due to morning sickness in the beginning. The scale has since rebounded, and has stayed steady for the last week or so which thrills my husband to death. I really would not like to rise above 194 until my first trimester officially ends next week, which would leave to to gain nothing my first trimester. Then it is the doctors goal for me to gain 1/2 a pound a week during the course of the rest of the pregnancy. As for vitamins, I am alternating taking a second vitamin every other day in addition to the one I take daily. I will be asking about a folic acid supplement, and for the doctor to do more blood work because I am unusually exhausted even for being pregnant and I think my B-12 or my iron is outta whack.
Rod and I have finalized our pick of baby names, but as to our tradition, we will not be telling anyone the name until the baby arrives. Rod enjoyed being able to introduce our son for the first time to our friends and family by his name. So, per my husbands request, we will be keeping this child's name quiet too. But rest assured, as soon as we know we will tell everyone the sex of the baby- we could not keep that a secret too!!
Korbin could care less what the baby's name is, as long as it is a girl. That is his only request!! We have not told him our picks, although he is a good secret keeper, a 4 year-old could only take so much and we did not want to put his in that position to ignore all the temptation from our families to get him to tell them the baby's name.
I am looking forward to the end of the first trimester and the increased energy that usually comes in the second. I am also hoping I leave the morning sickness in the first trimester, and move on to greener eatting pastures :)
Friday, March 20, 2009
Korbin is going to be a Kindergartener!!
I can remember the moment I found out I was going to be a mommy. It was one of the single most life changing moments, I have ever had. With a ringing of the telephone I became solely responsible for another life.
I remember the first time we seen each other, and looking into the stormy dark blue eyes that I had just spent 72 hours in labor and having major surgery to meet.
I remember his first words, the first night he slept through the night, the first time he crawled and walked, his first birthday, when he switched to a "big boy" bed, and when he started going to the bathroom by himself.The first time he smiled and stole my heart.
As his mommy, I have been by his side for every major mile stone Korbin has had up until this point. Now, I sit here pen in hand, getting ready to sign my baby up for Kindergarten. Not just any kindergarten but ALL DAY kindergarten!! My little man will be gone for 8:30 am to 3:30 pm Monday thru Friday!!! I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with this transition to a world filled with monster trucks, tools the make real noises and "mommy I am hungry" to backpacks, lunchboxes and school clothes.
As Korbins world grows larger with friends, school activities and independence my world grows a little sadder as he needs me less and less. My baby is growing up!!! My tears are tears of joy because I am thankful that Korbin has the ability to grow up into a healthy, happy young man. As well as I am equally as thankful that I have had the opportunity to be his mommy full time for the last 4 1/2 years of his life.
I am trying to find the happiness in all of this kindergarten business, as Korbin steps into the next phase of his life.Some of best times in my childhood were spent in school, just being me and being with my friends. And I think mainly, that is what I am afraid of: that Korbin will move on without me.
Silly? Maybe. I know that I will have more than enough to keep me busy with a newborn at home.
Yet, I can not help but feeling like life is changing and there is nothing I can do about it.
I know those baby blue eyes, dimples and southern drawl " yes ma'am" will wow his teachers and his sense of humor, kind heart and competitive nature will make him lots of friends. I know the transition will be more traumatic for me than it will be for him, as he walks into that kindergarten room for the first time a new portion of his life begins, as does mine as I will from then be the mother of a kindergarten, a PTO mom and snack helper once a month.
I remember the first time we seen each other, and looking into the stormy dark blue eyes that I had just spent 72 hours in labor and having major surgery to meet.
I remember his first words, the first night he slept through the night, the first time he crawled and walked, his first birthday, when he switched to a "big boy" bed, and when he started going to the bathroom by himself.The first time he smiled and stole my heart.
As his mommy, I have been by his side for every major mile stone Korbin has had up until this point. Now, I sit here pen in hand, getting ready to sign my baby up for Kindergarten. Not just any kindergarten but ALL DAY kindergarten!! My little man will be gone for 8:30 am to 3:30 pm Monday thru Friday!!! I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with this transition to a world filled with monster trucks, tools the make real noises and "mommy I am hungry" to backpacks, lunchboxes and school clothes.
As Korbins world grows larger with friends, school activities and independence my world grows a little sadder as he needs me less and less. My baby is growing up!!! My tears are tears of joy because I am thankful that Korbin has the ability to grow up into a healthy, happy young man. As well as I am equally as thankful that I have had the opportunity to be his mommy full time for the last 4 1/2 years of his life.
I am trying to find the happiness in all of this kindergarten business, as Korbin steps into the next phase of his life.Some of best times in my childhood were spent in school, just being me and being with my friends. And I think mainly, that is what I am afraid of: that Korbin will move on without me.
Silly? Maybe. I know that I will have more than enough to keep me busy with a newborn at home.
Yet, I can not help but feeling like life is changing and there is nothing I can do about it.
I know those baby blue eyes, dimples and southern drawl " yes ma'am" will wow his teachers and his sense of humor, kind heart and competitive nature will make him lots of friends. I know the transition will be more traumatic for me than it will be for him, as he walks into that kindergarten room for the first time a new portion of his life begins, as does mine as I will from then be the mother of a kindergarten, a PTO mom and snack helper once a month.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Week # 8
Yesterday, was day 1 of week # 8 in my 2nd pregnancy. I began this pregnancy weighing 194 lbs and I now weigh 192 pounds. I have not been trying to loose weight, nor have I continued on my vigorous exercise routine. Actually quite the opposite, I have pretty much consumed anything I want just in moderate portion sizes. However, I have a great aversion to food in general. My husband made some great steak fajitas the other night, in which I had about 6 awesome tasting bites until my stomach started to churn indicating that if I did not stop eating soon, I would not like the results. Reluctantly, I put my generously filled tortilla pack on the plate. My hair is falling out again because of the low level of protein I am consuming, which I will be trying to up slowly in order to avoid nausea.
I am taking a prenatal vitamin, an iron supplement, vitamin C supplement and tums for extra calcium. I plan at asking at my next prenatal visit if the Dr. wants me to add a folic acid supplement to my regime. I do pretty good remember to taking the prenatal vitamin most days, the iron is hit or miss mainly based on the fact of constipation issues.
The baby updates I get said that the baby is now the size of a kidney bean, which is funny that something that small could reek that much havoc on a woman's body!!
My size 14 jeans are much too tight now, so I have reclaimed a pair of size 18's out of my closet that I just had not gotten around to getting rid of yet. They are put huge in the legs but are fitting well in the waist. I have one maternity shirt my sister gave me, and that is it for maternity clothes. I am praying Rod gets a job before I start to need more, but as it stands it will not be very long because you can already see my little baby bump pouching out there a little bit.
I did some reading because I thought for sure I was crazy, especially since I lost two pounds, but everything I could get my hands on says that it is common for you to "show" quicker with your second or third baby than you were with your first. And since I weighed 275-300 pounds when I was pregnant with Korbin, it was about at 6 months when you could finally tell that I was pregnant and not just over-weight.
Does it sound strange that I am looking forward to "looking" pregnant? Being MO ( morbidly obese) with my son, I missed some of the joy of just being pregnant. Now that I am at a healthy weight, I am looking forward to going into the Motherhood store and shopping in the cute section (where you can buy a Large), and not be shuffled to the back of the store where they have things in "my size". Now, I am just hoping that we have the money in order to have that experience!
I am taking a prenatal vitamin, an iron supplement, vitamin C supplement and tums for extra calcium. I plan at asking at my next prenatal visit if the Dr. wants me to add a folic acid supplement to my regime. I do pretty good remember to taking the prenatal vitamin most days, the iron is hit or miss mainly based on the fact of constipation issues.
The baby updates I get said that the baby is now the size of a kidney bean, which is funny that something that small could reek that much havoc on a woman's body!!
My size 14 jeans are much too tight now, so I have reclaimed a pair of size 18's out of my closet that I just had not gotten around to getting rid of yet. They are put huge in the legs but are fitting well in the waist. I have one maternity shirt my sister gave me, and that is it for maternity clothes. I am praying Rod gets a job before I start to need more, but as it stands it will not be very long because you can already see my little baby bump pouching out there a little bit.
I did some reading because I thought for sure I was crazy, especially since I lost two pounds, but everything I could get my hands on says that it is common for you to "show" quicker with your second or third baby than you were with your first. And since I weighed 275-300 pounds when I was pregnant with Korbin, it was about at 6 months when you could finally tell that I was pregnant and not just over-weight.
Does it sound strange that I am looking forward to "looking" pregnant? Being MO ( morbidly obese) with my son, I missed some of the joy of just being pregnant. Now that I am at a healthy weight, I am looking forward to going into the Motherhood store and shopping in the cute section (where you can buy a Large), and not be shuffled to the back of the store where they have things in "my size". Now, I am just hoping that we have the money in order to have that experience!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Me & My BIG Mouth
So, I have basically been spotting on & off since a week after I found out that I was pregnant. The doctors have checked for fetal heart tones, and found one. Which leads them to believe that this bleeding in just old uterine blood left from my last c-section in 2004.
After taking 5 days off that I really could not afford, then another day because Korbin was running a 104 degree fever, I was working a total of 20 hours in two weeks, which by no means pays our rent or electric bill here at the end of the month.
And to make matter worse, my boss called last night and wanted me to cover another shift at another home, and after working since 7am (and it was almost 6pm), I was just exhausted. So, instead of telling her no, I was tired and my husband was fixing me a nice dinner at home, I told her about my doctors "suggested" restrictions in order not to work the other house.
On Thursday, Dr. F and I talked about what he would like to see me doing ( not running up and down stairs and lifting more than a galloon of milk) but also said that he understood that I was the only one working right now, so just to becareful. So, instead of getting the understanding boss I thought I would get, I got "well if that is the case, we are gonna have to pull your hours. It is not safe for you or the patient". And with that, both my husband and I are unemployed and face the very real prospect of loosing everything we have.
Which is why I slept less than 2 complete hours last night. After another phone call transpired, where my boss realized that I was hysterical, she did offer me a glimpse of hope... for 1/2 second. That if my doctor was will to release me with no lifting restrictions, then I would still have a job, and she would help me to make up the hours I missed. As kind as she may have meant the offer to be, it really offered me no solice because we both knew that there is no doctor in america that is going to give any pregnant women alive a blanket letter saying that she has no restrictions whats so ever because then it would make him available for a lawsuit later, if something should happen.Then, she said " Take this time to rest, you need it" WHAT????????????????? Are you kidding me??????????????? You just took away the only way my family and I were making it and you actually said to me get some rest. What I should actually be doing instead of typing this, is looking for another job, praying that someone would be willing to hire me(and not fire me when they found out I was pregnant).
There are over a million companies in america that make reasonable accomodations for pregnant women, and mine were simple: please put me at house A and house B for right now. And, I guess that if I would have kept my big mouth shut, I would not be looking for an underpass to live under at this particular moment.
My stress level is through the rough, and it has been for months. Instead of someone putting there arm around me and saying" Do you need a listening ear or a friend?", these well meaning people say "Oh, I can understand what your going through. I have been where you are!"
OH REALLY???? So, your husband has been laid off once a year for four years, your job has been dismissed like you were a bad cold, you've been pregnant without anyway to support yourself or the child you already have, you've never had a home to "loose" so when you get kicked out of an apartment you go to the streets, and with every single turn you can not figure out for the life of you what you have done so wrong???? Well congrats, then you have been in my shoes!!
So I sound angry?? Yes, I am!!! Do I sound scared? Terrified, actually!!! I have done all that I can do, I have worked 32 days straight, christmas, my birthday, new years, morning, noon and night and completely reeinginering my schedule on a moments notice to fill an extra shift- and all I needed in return was a paycheck to make sure my family had a roof over thier heads and food on the table. Now, I have no idea where those necessities are even going to come from!! Ironically, I am not angry with my boss. Although, I would have handled the situation differently, I can see her point of view ( note, I did not say I agree with it, but none the less) and I am thankful for the employment while it was available. The experience has truelly changed my life. I am more angry at myself for just not being good enough for anything or anyone. I thought with great weight loss, I would find my self worth, instead I found more self loathing. I have prayed, begged, hoped and dreamed of having another child for 3 1/2 years now and instead of now have a dream come true, I have a nightmare and this poor baby is going to suffer for my mistakes!!
After taking 5 days off that I really could not afford, then another day because Korbin was running a 104 degree fever, I was working a total of 20 hours in two weeks, which by no means pays our rent or electric bill here at the end of the month.
And to make matter worse, my boss called last night and wanted me to cover another shift at another home, and after working since 7am (and it was almost 6pm), I was just exhausted. So, instead of telling her no, I was tired and my husband was fixing me a nice dinner at home, I told her about my doctors "suggested" restrictions in order not to work the other house.
On Thursday, Dr. F and I talked about what he would like to see me doing ( not running up and down stairs and lifting more than a galloon of milk) but also said that he understood that I was the only one working right now, so just to becareful. So, instead of getting the understanding boss I thought I would get, I got "well if that is the case, we are gonna have to pull your hours. It is not safe for you or the patient". And with that, both my husband and I are unemployed and face the very real prospect of loosing everything we have.
Which is why I slept less than 2 complete hours last night. After another phone call transpired, where my boss realized that I was hysterical, she did offer me a glimpse of hope... for 1/2 second. That if my doctor was will to release me with no lifting restrictions, then I would still have a job, and she would help me to make up the hours I missed. As kind as she may have meant the offer to be, it really offered me no solice because we both knew that there is no doctor in america that is going to give any pregnant women alive a blanket letter saying that she has no restrictions whats so ever because then it would make him available for a lawsuit later, if something should happen.Then, she said " Take this time to rest, you need it" WHAT????????????????? Are you kidding me??????????????? You just took away the only way my family and I were making it and you actually said to me get some rest. What I should actually be doing instead of typing this, is looking for another job, praying that someone would be willing to hire me(and not fire me when they found out I was pregnant).
There are over a million companies in america that make reasonable accomodations for pregnant women, and mine were simple: please put me at house A and house B for right now. And, I guess that if I would have kept my big mouth shut, I would not be looking for an underpass to live under at this particular moment.
My stress level is through the rough, and it has been for months. Instead of someone putting there arm around me and saying" Do you need a listening ear or a friend?", these well meaning people say "Oh, I can understand what your going through. I have been where you are!"
OH REALLY???? So, your husband has been laid off once a year for four years, your job has been dismissed like you were a bad cold, you've been pregnant without anyway to support yourself or the child you already have, you've never had a home to "loose" so when you get kicked out of an apartment you go to the streets, and with every single turn you can not figure out for the life of you what you have done so wrong???? Well congrats, then you have been in my shoes!!
So I sound angry?? Yes, I am!!! Do I sound scared? Terrified, actually!!! I have done all that I can do, I have worked 32 days straight, christmas, my birthday, new years, morning, noon and night and completely reeinginering my schedule on a moments notice to fill an extra shift- and all I needed in return was a paycheck to make sure my family had a roof over thier heads and food on the table. Now, I have no idea where those necessities are even going to come from!! Ironically, I am not angry with my boss. Although, I would have handled the situation differently, I can see her point of view ( note, I did not say I agree with it, but none the less) and I am thankful for the employment while it was available. The experience has truelly changed my life. I am more angry at myself for just not being good enough for anything or anyone. I thought with great weight loss, I would find my self worth, instead I found more self loathing. I have prayed, begged, hoped and dreamed of having another child for 3 1/2 years now and instead of now have a dream come true, I have a nightmare and this poor baby is going to suffer for my mistakes!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)