So, I have basically been spotting on & off since a week after I found out that I was pregnant. The doctors have checked for fetal heart tones, and found one. Which leads them to believe that this bleeding in just old uterine blood left from my last c-section in 2004.
After taking 5 days off that I really could not afford, then another day because Korbin was running a 104 degree fever, I was working a total of 20 hours in two weeks, which by no means pays our rent or electric bill here at the end of the month.
And to make matter worse, my boss called last night and wanted me to cover another shift at another home, and after working since 7am (and it was almost 6pm), I was just exhausted. So, instead of telling her no, I was tired and my husband was fixing me a nice dinner at home, I told her about my doctors "suggested" restrictions in order not to work the other house.
On Thursday, Dr. F and I talked about what he would like to see me doing ( not running up and down stairs and lifting more than a galloon of milk) but also said that he understood that I was the only one working right now, so just to becareful. So, instead of getting the understanding boss I thought I would get, I got "well if that is the case, we are gonna have to pull your hours. It is not safe for you or the patient". And with that, both my husband and I are unemployed and face the very real prospect of loosing everything we have.
Which is why I slept less than 2 complete hours last night. After another phone call transpired, where my boss realized that I was hysterical, she did offer me a glimpse of hope... for 1/2 second. That if my doctor was will to release me with no lifting restrictions, then I would still have a job, and she would help me to make up the hours I missed. As kind as she may have meant the offer to be, it really offered me no solice because we both knew that there is no doctor in america that is going to give any pregnant women alive a blanket letter saying that she has no restrictions whats so ever because then it would make him available for a lawsuit later, if something should happen.Then, she said " Take this time to rest, you need it" WHAT????????????????? Are you kidding me??????????????? You just took away the only way my family and I were making it and you actually said to me get some rest. What I should actually be doing instead of typing this, is looking for another job, praying that someone would be willing to hire me(and not fire me when they found out I was pregnant).
There are over a million companies in america that make reasonable accomodations for pregnant women, and mine were simple: please put me at house A and house B for right now. And, I guess that if I would have kept my big mouth shut, I would not be looking for an underpass to live under at this particular moment.
My stress level is through the rough, and it has been for months. Instead of someone putting there arm around me and saying" Do you need a listening ear or a friend?", these well meaning people say "Oh, I can understand what your going through. I have been where you are!"
OH REALLY???? So, your husband has been laid off once a year for four years, your job has been dismissed like you were a bad cold, you've been pregnant without anyway to support yourself or the child you already have, you've never had a home to "loose" so when you get kicked out of an apartment you go to the streets, and with every single turn you can not figure out for the life of you what you have done so wrong???? Well congrats, then you have been in my shoes!!
So I sound angry?? Yes, I am!!! Do I sound scared? Terrified, actually!!! I have done all that I can do, I have worked 32 days straight, christmas, my birthday, new years, morning, noon and night and completely reeinginering my schedule on a moments notice to fill an extra shift- and all I needed in return was a paycheck to make sure my family had a roof over thier heads and food on the table. Now, I have no idea where those necessities are even going to come from!! Ironically, I am not angry with my boss. Although, I would have handled the situation differently, I can see her point of view ( note, I did not say I agree with it, but none the less) and I am thankful for the employment while it was available. The experience has truelly changed my life. I am more angry at myself for just not being good enough for anything or anyone. I thought with great weight loss, I would find my self worth, instead I found more self loathing. I have prayed, begged, hoped and dreamed of having another child for 3 1/2 years now and instead of now have a dream come true, I have a nightmare and this poor baby is going to suffer for my mistakes!!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
They found a heart beat!!
Monday was an extremely emotional day for us. I woke up before the dr.'s office opened and showered, just encase they were able to see my right away. At 8:45 I called the ob's office and spoke to an uncaring women who said all she could do was let me speak to the nurse, when she had a moment to call me back, and give me an appointment a week from Thursday. A week from Thursday?? Did she miss the part where I said I was bleeding and had been since last Thursday???
So, I was back to square one which was extremely frustrating!! After I finished crying, I took the bull by the horns and called the dr.'s office back again, I was going to get some answers!! This time I spoke to someone, who actually listened to what I was saying and when I finished my story she put me on hold for what seemed like forever! However, when she came back she had better news: the ultrasound tech said that she was willing to squeeze me in and they would do my blood work.Then, I would see the dr. later this week. It was not completely what I was looking for, but it was better than the latter.
So,Rod and I dropped Korbin at my sisters and headed to the dr.'s office. Since this was a different doctor than I had orginally began seeing, I had to fill out new patient paperwork. We sat there for what seemed like forever, and finally when I thought my bladder would burst, they called us back.
The ultrasound tech was the most personable person I had seen in the medical community in days! She did the ultrasound on there on the screen was the tiniest flutter I had ever seen, but yes, it was a heart beat!! I thought my own heart would leap out of my chest, and tears stung my eyes!! I was so thankful to the Lord, I do serve a wonderful God!!!
They took some bloodwork, and told me that I was six weeks and three days pregnant and I would see the doctor on Thursday at 10:45am.
As I floated from the office to the car, I was in awe of the handiwork of God to create something so small and tiny that is a living breathing person that will grow to be this bundle of energy that runs around whose laughter is the merriment of my heart. I am so blessed to be a mommy and to get to be a mommy again to this little angel.
I am still praying that they bleeding will stop completely, however, it has slowed alot. And I return to work tomorrow, which is both exciting and scary at the same time.
Right now, we are just trying to take things one day at a time.
So, I was back to square one which was extremely frustrating!! After I finished crying, I took the bull by the horns and called the dr.'s office back again, I was going to get some answers!! This time I spoke to someone, who actually listened to what I was saying and when I finished my story she put me on hold for what seemed like forever! However, when she came back she had better news: the ultrasound tech said that she was willing to squeeze me in and they would do my blood work.Then, I would see the dr. later this week. It was not completely what I was looking for, but it was better than the latter.
So,Rod and I dropped Korbin at my sisters and headed to the dr.'s office. Since this was a different doctor than I had orginally began seeing, I had to fill out new patient paperwork. We sat there for what seemed like forever, and finally when I thought my bladder would burst, they called us back.
The ultrasound tech was the most personable person I had seen in the medical community in days! She did the ultrasound on there on the screen was the tiniest flutter I had ever seen, but yes, it was a heart beat!! I thought my own heart would leap out of my chest, and tears stung my eyes!! I was so thankful to the Lord, I do serve a wonderful God!!!
They took some bloodwork, and told me that I was six weeks and three days pregnant and I would see the doctor on Thursday at 10:45am.
As I floated from the office to the car, I was in awe of the handiwork of God to create something so small and tiny that is a living breathing person that will grow to be this bundle of energy that runs around whose laughter is the merriment of my heart. I am so blessed to be a mommy and to get to be a mommy again to this little angel.
I am still praying that they bleeding will stop completely, however, it has slowed alot. And I return to work tomorrow, which is both exciting and scary at the same time.
Right now, we are just trying to take things one day at a time.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Uncertainty
I sit here on my couch, where I have been for 2 days now, afraid any moment I will have to use the bathroom again.
On January 31, Rod and I found out we were expecting our second child. We have waitted 3 years to get pregnant again, which came on the heals of my one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery on January 29th where I lost 185 pounds. Needless to say we were elated, as was our son.
Korbin has waitted for what seems like an eternity to a little kid to be a Big brother. I would have never thought being a brother is as important to him as it is. Since the moment he found out, he kisses my stomach and tell the baby inside that he loves his baby brother or baby sister.
That is just one of the reasons that my heart was shattered into a blue million pieces when I began to spot on Thursday afternoon.
I went to the restroom and simply could not believe my eyes as to what I was seeing on the toilette tissue!! I promptly called my OB and tried to wait as patiently as I could for his phone call. However, it and the trip to the ER later were completely useless and a waste of my time!! They told me nothing, other than my cervix is still closed, and this could or could not be a viable pregnancy. There is nothing that I nor they could do to determine or save this either way. I still feel numb, as I sit here and relive the events in my mind.
On friday, I went back to my OB and he checked me again and said all seems well but this could be a threatened Miscarriage. I hate that word!! This is more to me and my family than just a fetus or a miscarriage. This is our baby!!! If it dies, a part of me dies too!! More so what do I tell my precious little boy, who looks forward to this baby as much as my husband and I do?!?! Each night he goes to bed, he prays for this baby and for mommys belly to get really, really big. I just do not want to break his little heart too!!!
Yet, I live in hope that I am one of the 1 in 5 women who has a small tear in the uterus that will heal itself. Or the 30% or 75% of women who have bleed in thier first trimester. I keep praying that God will hear my prayers and answer them that this bleeding will stop and everything will indeed be alright. I am terrified to the quick of my soul that there is something wrong with my baby and there is nothing I can do about it!
All I can do is pray, and wait, and pray until I go back to the Dr. next friday. I have 5 1/2 more weeks until I will be at 12, then the statistics for miscarriage drops by half. I am praying that she can hang on until then. I am praying that we all can hang on until then!
Lord God in Heaven, that created all that we are and all the we see. I pray and ask you now Father to please touch this child inside of me. I love her, Lord. And I have loved her since the very moment I knew about her. I ask, Lord, that you please protect her and heal me from what ever is causing the random bleeding so that I may carry her to a full and healthy term. I have faith in you Lord, and I put all of my trust in you. I know that you can do a miracle in this situation based upon the sheer fact, that is it a miracle that I am pregnant to begin with. You are the Great Physician, God!! There is nothing to big or to small that is beyond your control!!Your word says that you will give me the desires of my heart, and as I pray believing, I trust in your word and in your sovernity as the Almighty. I surrender myself and the life of this child to you, Lord, and pray that it will end favorably but ask that thy will be done Lord.
On January 31, Rod and I found out we were expecting our second child. We have waitted 3 years to get pregnant again, which came on the heals of my one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery on January 29th where I lost 185 pounds. Needless to say we were elated, as was our son.
Korbin has waitted for what seems like an eternity to a little kid to be a Big brother. I would have never thought being a brother is as important to him as it is. Since the moment he found out, he kisses my stomach and tell the baby inside that he loves his baby brother or baby sister.
That is just one of the reasons that my heart was shattered into a blue million pieces when I began to spot on Thursday afternoon.
I went to the restroom and simply could not believe my eyes as to what I was seeing on the toilette tissue!! I promptly called my OB and tried to wait as patiently as I could for his phone call. However, it and the trip to the ER later were completely useless and a waste of my time!! They told me nothing, other than my cervix is still closed, and this could or could not be a viable pregnancy. There is nothing that I nor they could do to determine or save this either way. I still feel numb, as I sit here and relive the events in my mind.
On friday, I went back to my OB and he checked me again and said all seems well but this could be a threatened Miscarriage. I hate that word!! This is more to me and my family than just a fetus or a miscarriage. This is our baby!!! If it dies, a part of me dies too!! More so what do I tell my precious little boy, who looks forward to this baby as much as my husband and I do?!?! Each night he goes to bed, he prays for this baby and for mommys belly to get really, really big. I just do not want to break his little heart too!!!
Yet, I live in hope that I am one of the 1 in 5 women who has a small tear in the uterus that will heal itself. Or the 30% or 75% of women who have bleed in thier first trimester. I keep praying that God will hear my prayers and answer them that this bleeding will stop and everything will indeed be alright. I am terrified to the quick of my soul that there is something wrong with my baby and there is nothing I can do about it!
All I can do is pray, and wait, and pray until I go back to the Dr. next friday. I have 5 1/2 more weeks until I will be at 12, then the statistics for miscarriage drops by half. I am praying that she can hang on until then. I am praying that we all can hang on until then!
Lord God in Heaven, that created all that we are and all the we see. I pray and ask you now Father to please touch this child inside of me. I love her, Lord. And I have loved her since the very moment I knew about her. I ask, Lord, that you please protect her and heal me from what ever is causing the random bleeding so that I may carry her to a full and healthy term. I have faith in you Lord, and I put all of my trust in you. I know that you can do a miracle in this situation based upon the sheer fact, that is it a miracle that I am pregnant to begin with. You are the Great Physician, God!! There is nothing to big or to small that is beyond your control!!Your word says that you will give me the desires of my heart, and as I pray believing, I trust in your word and in your sovernity as the Almighty. I surrender myself and the life of this child to you, Lord, and pray that it will end favorably but ask that thy will be done Lord.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Peanut Allergy Kid-do
Last April, Korbin was diagnosed with a Peanut Allergy(PA) in a very tramatic event in an allergist office. Since then, I have tried to educate myself and others around me about this severe allergy. Much to my dismay, I have failled more often than not. And as we face an allergy that threatens to worsen over time, rather than be something that he will just "grow out of", I find my anxiety over the situation growing as well. Especially with the onset of kindergarden looming.
House after house we visit, I find peanut tanted snacks littering cabinets and counter tops, by well meaning friends and family who do not simply understand the severity of an PA.
Fifty-four percent of fatal food allergic reactions reported in the United States from 2001-2006 were from peanuts.As well as, asthmatics with peanut sensitivity are more likely to develop life threatening reactions. "If untreated, anaphylactic shock can result in death due to obstruction of the upper or lower airway (bronchospasm) or hypotension and heart failure. This happens within minutes to hours of eating the peanuts. The first symptoms may include sneezing and a tingling sensation on the lips, tongue and throat followed by pallor, feeling unwell, warm and light headed. Severe reactions may return after an apparent resolution of 1-6 hours" says Wikipedia
Now do you see my anxiety?????
Who was it that said "Knowing is half the battle"? GI Joe, I think. Anyway, I found a new web-site of a mom who also has a Peanut Allergy Kid. She faces the same fears, trails and triumphs that I do. Ironically enough, I found solice in the wording of her articles as I realized that I am not alone.We are not alone in our battle to keep our son safe and healthy.
I wanted to give her web-site a special mention; http://www.peanutallergykid.com/ because if as parents we band together to keep our kids safe until there is a cure for PA then we can focus more on the fun of heading off to kindergarden instead of the fear.
Korbin's Favorite Peanut-Free No Bake Cookies
Ingredients
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup cocoa
1/2 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 cups dry oats
Directions
1In a saucepan add butter, sugar, cocoa and milk.
2Bring to boil, stirring constantly. After 3 minutes remove from heat.
3Stir in vanilla and oats.
4Drop by spoonful onto wax paper.
5Let sit till firm, or eat immediately!
House after house we visit, I find peanut tanted snacks littering cabinets and counter tops, by well meaning friends and family who do not simply understand the severity of an PA.
Fifty-four percent of fatal food allergic reactions reported in the United States from 2001-2006 were from peanuts.As well as, asthmatics with peanut sensitivity are more likely to develop life threatening reactions. "If untreated, anaphylactic shock can result in death due to obstruction of the upper or lower airway (bronchospasm) or hypotension and heart failure. This happens within minutes to hours of eating the peanuts. The first symptoms may include sneezing and a tingling sensation on the lips, tongue and throat followed by pallor, feeling unwell, warm and light headed. Severe reactions may return after an apparent resolution of 1-6 hours" says Wikipedia
Now do you see my anxiety?????
Who was it that said "Knowing is half the battle"? GI Joe, I think. Anyway, I found a new web-site of a mom who also has a Peanut Allergy Kid. She faces the same fears, trails and triumphs that I do. Ironically enough, I found solice in the wording of her articles as I realized that I am not alone.We are not alone in our battle to keep our son safe and healthy.
I wanted to give her web-site a special mention; http://www.peanutallergykid.com/ because if as parents we band together to keep our kids safe until there is a cure for PA then we can focus more on the fun of heading off to kindergarden instead of the fear.
Korbin's Favorite Peanut-Free No Bake Cookies
Ingredients
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup cocoa
1/2 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 cups dry oats
Directions
1In a saucepan add butter, sugar, cocoa and milk.
2Bring to boil, stirring constantly. After 3 minutes remove from heat.
3Stir in vanilla and oats.
4Drop by spoonful onto wax paper.
5Let sit till firm, or eat immediately!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Now & Then
January 2008 was a very unique month for me as it was the month prior to my surgery. I am re-reading my journal from last year to remember and acknowledge how far I have come. Here is my journal from this day last year:
"Pre-Surgrey Day
This morning with my Aaron Shust CD and the keys to my sister-in-laws car in hand, I drove to Ypsilanti for my pre-surgrey testing. As I drove across the snow/salt covered express way, I was superised at how calm I was. There was the hiccup of some nervousness or fear try to burrow its way into my head, but I shook it off as I listened to the words of my new favorite CD.
I arrived shortly before 9:30 and went into the Clinic. They took me right back and I did not even have to sit in the waitting room. This surprised me a little because I have felt recently as if I am in a constant state of waitting for something. First, I went to have some blood drawn and chatted with the nice tech about how much I was going to enjoy the new phase of my life. She said she would she me the morning of my surgrey for more blood, and I went to see the attending dr. who " cleared" me for surgrey by asking some questions about my family and personal medical history.
The Dr. gave me one of those great medical gowns and had the nurse escort me down to ultra sound for a u/s of my gallbaladder. This was kinda surreal as I had flash backs of labor and delivery; ugly gown and all. Next, was a chest x-ray and then I was ewscort back to a dressing room before off to a nutrition class.
I sat in the room with several others and the Registered Deitician for an hour and a half with a continuing thought of I all ready know this. I was pretty happy when she finally gave out our big book of advice and I got to ask the things I didn't know. At that moment I felt pretty secure that I had done my homework and knew what laid in front of me. The RD was a nice lady was gave out her phone number at the clinic and said she was personally available to us. That kinda impressed me a little, not like a weight watchers or jenny craig chick but a real human who was personally available to me to help me through the things I don't know who won't give me text book answers to my non text book weight issue.
Finally some help! This is what I have truelly need for years. Not some to tell me what I should or shouldn't do but to help me find the answers and achieve success. Not to talk at me but too me. So, when I left the nutrition class, although I knew what she was talking about(for the most part), I felt secure in my knowledge about the decision I was making and who I was allowing to help me with that decision.
Finally, is was off to get my EKG. This lady was nice and we chatted about our kids for several minutes before she asked me to put on that stupid gown again. That was nice, for once someone wanted to talk before asking me to undress. It is always easier to know who is going to see your grossly over weight body before they actaully see it.
I was done. Just that easy.
As I drove back home, with Aaron Shust blairing in my ear ( without Korbin in the car I can turn the radio up as loud as I want without the fear of making him deaf), I realized that I felt comfortable at that facility. There are so many people who work there that have had this surgrey and are a walking testimony to it. Plus people don't look at you funny for having bigger thighs or bellys or double chins. They applaude you for realizing you have a problem and getting help with it.
I am still dealing with that little hiccup that wants to become a full blown case but I am trying to rest on the promise that God will never give me than I can handle and that He has brought through so much. And dreaming about the little dress that I am gonna buy for Danny and kendra's wedding July 4th week end and think about all the fun I am gonna have for the first time in a long time because I will not have to think about if I look good. I will feal like I look good and that for the first time in forever will be good enough!!!!!!!!"
"Pre-Surgrey Day
This morning with my Aaron Shust CD and the keys to my sister-in-laws car in hand, I drove to Ypsilanti for my pre-surgrey testing. As I drove across the snow/salt covered express way, I was superised at how calm I was. There was the hiccup of some nervousness or fear try to burrow its way into my head, but I shook it off as I listened to the words of my new favorite CD.
I arrived shortly before 9:30 and went into the Clinic. They took me right back and I did not even have to sit in the waitting room. This surprised me a little because I have felt recently as if I am in a constant state of waitting for something. First, I went to have some blood drawn and chatted with the nice tech about how much I was going to enjoy the new phase of my life. She said she would she me the morning of my surgrey for more blood, and I went to see the attending dr. who " cleared" me for surgrey by asking some questions about my family and personal medical history.
The Dr. gave me one of those great medical gowns and had the nurse escort me down to ultra sound for a u/s of my gallbaladder. This was kinda surreal as I had flash backs of labor and delivery; ugly gown and all. Next, was a chest x-ray and then I was ewscort back to a dressing room before off to a nutrition class.
I sat in the room with several others and the Registered Deitician for an hour and a half with a continuing thought of I all ready know this. I was pretty happy when she finally gave out our big book of advice and I got to ask the things I didn't know. At that moment I felt pretty secure that I had done my homework and knew what laid in front of me. The RD was a nice lady was gave out her phone number at the clinic and said she was personally available to us. That kinda impressed me a little, not like a weight watchers or jenny craig chick but a real human who was personally available to me to help me through the things I don't know who won't give me text book answers to my non text book weight issue.
Finally some help! This is what I have truelly need for years. Not some to tell me what I should or shouldn't do but to help me find the answers and achieve success. Not to talk at me but too me. So, when I left the nutrition class, although I knew what she was talking about(for the most part), I felt secure in my knowledge about the decision I was making and who I was allowing to help me with that decision.
Finally, is was off to get my EKG. This lady was nice and we chatted about our kids for several minutes before she asked me to put on that stupid gown again. That was nice, for once someone wanted to talk before asking me to undress. It is always easier to know who is going to see your grossly over weight body before they actaully see it.
I was done. Just that easy.
As I drove back home, with Aaron Shust blairing in my ear ( without Korbin in the car I can turn the radio up as loud as I want without the fear of making him deaf), I realized that I felt comfortable at that facility. There are so many people who work there that have had this surgrey and are a walking testimony to it. Plus people don't look at you funny for having bigger thighs or bellys or double chins. They applaude you for realizing you have a problem and getting help with it.
I am still dealing with that little hiccup that wants to become a full blown case but I am trying to rest on the promise that God will never give me than I can handle and that He has brought through so much. And dreaming about the little dress that I am gonna buy for Danny and kendra's wedding July 4th week end and think about all the fun I am gonna have for the first time in a long time because I will not have to think about if I look good. I will feal like I look good and that for the first time in forever will be good enough!!!!!!!!"
How crazy is it that I am still dealing with that hiccup of fear? The fear of not being good enough and the fear of failure. I have come so far, and still I face these fears daily. I guess weight loss surgery does not cure self-esteem or self-worth issues. Which is what I am dealing with right now, along with the complete and utter terror of my husband being without a job in an uncertain economy. So, I think for today I will rest on my success of what I have already achieved and let tomorrow take care of it's self. I am gonna pop in my Aaron Shust CD on my way to work tonight and pray that the Lord will give me today what he gave me a year ago; Hope.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Drowning
I wrote several months ago about Godly contentment and my desire for it. However, I had no idea that my desire to be content with what I have no matter how large or how small would lead me or my family down this path.
It is literally fighting everything I have ever know in order to be at peace with myself, my husband and our circumstances. Proverbs 3:5&6 says "lean not on your own understand in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct you paths". It is a completely ironic feeling to "lean" on God to understand exactly what is going on here without fully understanding what is going on yourself.
Have you ever jumped in a pool and went to far under and had to fight your way to the top and by the time you get there, your lungs are aching for air and for several minutes afterward they burn painfully until your body is reinflated with precious oxygen once again?
That is exactly what life is like right now, and I am in constant fear of literally drowning at any particular moment.
Christmas was an amazing moment for Rod & I once we got over the realization that we had nothing to give than what we hid in our hearts for one another. It was a bitter pill to swallow but once we did, we could get over the nasty taste left in our mouths and move forward. For the first time in years, we actaully enjoyed our families; faults and all, and the gifts that we were given without the preverbial "but" hanging in the air. It was a sweet time for us, and the soul reason was the we gave Jesus first place in our life and He restored our joy.
Yet, it seems as if that Joy has been lost once again and the Devil has launched a full on assult on our home, marriage, finances and life. From the time I rise until I go to sleep at night, it is an exhausting battle to control my thoughts and attitude in order to maintain any intergrity I may have left.
Some days are better than others, but even the best days are still very trying. I have never been this exhausted and terrified! I am completely at a loss, and have no idea what the answer is or how to obtain it.
When I was a little girl, I would constantly tell my parents that I could not wait to grow up so that I could live on my own and make my own decisions! Fast forward 20 years and here I am wishing that I did not have so many decisions to make!! I had no idea that being an adult was so rough because it looked like it was so much fun when I was 10. I should go back and ask my Dad when the fun part starts because right now is anything BUT fun!!!!
It is literally fighting everything I have ever know in order to be at peace with myself, my husband and our circumstances. Proverbs 3:5&6 says "lean not on your own understand in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct you paths". It is a completely ironic feeling to "lean" on God to understand exactly what is going on here without fully understanding what is going on yourself.
Have you ever jumped in a pool and went to far under and had to fight your way to the top and by the time you get there, your lungs are aching for air and for several minutes afterward they burn painfully until your body is reinflated with precious oxygen once again?
That is exactly what life is like right now, and I am in constant fear of literally drowning at any particular moment.
Christmas was an amazing moment for Rod & I once we got over the realization that we had nothing to give than what we hid in our hearts for one another. It was a bitter pill to swallow but once we did, we could get over the nasty taste left in our mouths and move forward. For the first time in years, we actaully enjoyed our families; faults and all, and the gifts that we were given without the preverbial "but" hanging in the air. It was a sweet time for us, and the soul reason was the we gave Jesus first place in our life and He restored our joy.
Yet, it seems as if that Joy has been lost once again and the Devil has launched a full on assult on our home, marriage, finances and life. From the time I rise until I go to sleep at night, it is an exhausting battle to control my thoughts and attitude in order to maintain any intergrity I may have left.
Some days are better than others, but even the best days are still very trying. I have never been this exhausted and terrified! I am completely at a loss, and have no idea what the answer is or how to obtain it.
When I was a little girl, I would constantly tell my parents that I could not wait to grow up so that I could live on my own and make my own decisions! Fast forward 20 years and here I am wishing that I did not have so many decisions to make!! I had no idea that being an adult was so rough because it looked like it was so much fun when I was 10. I should go back and ask my Dad when the fun part starts because right now is anything BUT fun!!!!
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