I am sooo sick!!

Goodness!
I can not remember the last time I was this sick!
Early last week, we had Konnor to the dr. because he has a sinus infection. The day before that I had a tooth pulled but by Wednesday, I could feel somthing coming on but despite my attempts, I could not stop it!
On Friday,whatever I have or had, arrived full force! The week still was not over yet, so now, Korbin was coughing too and stayed home from school. So a sick mommy had two sick kids at home.
Boy, Friday was a rough day and I barely made it through! On Saturday, I could not pick my head up off of the pillow. Thank the good Lord, Rod was home to help with the boys, because I slept until 1:30pm and then I laid on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. It was all a blur really, my chest and head just ached and I was simply miserable!
Late, Saturday night I felt a little better and got off the couch. It is a good thing too because, Rod had to take Korbin to the emergency room. I knew it was the croup, we deal with this a couple of times a year at least. But my poor baby had broken most of the blood vessels in this cheeks because he was coughing so hard. Two hours later at one in the morning, Rod and Korbin were home again. The ER doc gave Korbin a steriod and sent him home again, as is the normal case. Two popsicles later, and he was sound alseep.
I wish popsicles could take away what is bothering me. It was Sunday and I was still pretty miserable and my head/sinus' just ached. I was taking ever over-the-counter medicine I could to alievate some of the pain. Nothing seemed to do the trick. I was back into bed by 10pm that night after getting up at 10 that morning with a two hour nap in the middle of the day.
I felt horrible that Rod had to help out with both kids, who were not feeling the best themselves, all week-end and did not get to rest himself. Yet, he was simply amazing! There was a time in Rod's life where by Sunday evening, he would have exploded with the fact that he did not get any time to himself after working all week! The self entitlement was gone and left in it's place a simply a man; God's man, serving his family while they were sick.
I remember nodding off to sleep Sunday thanking the Lord for the change He had done in Rod's life. I wanted to tell Rod of my delight in him yet, I choose to tell the Lord. It was He who had authored this great change, it was Rod who simply submitted and obeyed His master. It made me fall in love with Rod more! My love for my husband deepens and grows as his love for and obedience grows to God. At first, when I realized this, it struck me oddly. Then I realized, this is how God intended for it to be: "Just as Christ had loved the Church and given Himself for her". God you are truly amazing!
Never the less, I am sick! And sick I still was when Konnor got up at t 3am Monday morning. Still too sick and tired to do much, I stuck him in bed with me and we dozed on and off until the alarm went off at 7am.So it begins another week, and we all have jobs to do. Sick or not.
My second semester starts today, so while Konnor naps I am laying here on the couch, trying to keep my head up as I alternate between writing and reading the information for my three new classes. I would nap but I am fearful that I would miss the alarm and not get to the school in time to pick up Korbin.
Alas, I am sooo sick but God is still soooo good!

Struggling, Confusion and More

After High School, I made a promise to my mom that I would go to and graduate from college. My mom did not even finish High School, so it was of the uttmost importnace to her that we finish not only high school but college. I was well on my way, when I began at a local community college then transfered to a major four-year university to live on campus to finish my degree. Things were going along swimmingly when my mom died unexpectedly in the middle of the night on mothers day in 1999. Needless to say, my life was never the same. Neither was my college experience. I began having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night and hyperventilating believing that I was having a heart attack. I was not sleeping, so I began eatting to compensate for my exhaustion thus gaining massive amounts of weight. I was failing my classes and trying to cope with extreme loss while continueing to live away from all of my family and close friends. I just could not continue to down the path that I was on, so I got an apartment close to my sister and left my four year university. I regretted leaving but I did not see any other way around it. I vowed to go back and finish college...
I tried going back to the community college in 2001 and began in a photography class. I was in the dark room when I found out about the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in NYC. This sent my life once again, into complete panic because my dad is a truck driver and I could not reach him for more than four hours by cell phone. I had to face the idea that I may have lost both parents within two years..thank the Lord my dad was ok!! I could not bring myself to go back into the dark room and dropped my classes once again.
After marrying Rod in 2003, it was our agreement that I would finish school before we started a family and looked again at the community college. However again God had other plans, I found out I was pregnant and began a stay at home mom after Korbin was born in 2004.
Going to school was always in the back of my mind, after all I made a promise that I needed to fulfill. So when Rod become laid off for two consecutive years, I knew I had to go back to school. It was only after I registered for classes and we changed churches, that Rod got a job.
I want to fulfill my promise to my mom. But my heart is not in going to school as I thought it would be. I am struggling with being a good mom, good wife, keeping a clean home, being involved in Korbins school, making time for my toddler, friends, church and a million other things that call for my attention daily!! I frustrated because I feel as if I am going to be in school forever!! This is my second semester and I am no where near my core classes.. time is ticking away and I have no idea what I am suppose to do!!
With Rod working, he makes enough to pay our necessities. No more than that. No vactions, No extra's. No emergencies. No retirement savings. No college savings. No. No. No. Not because he is doing anything wrong but because the economy has made his salary take a nose dive.
I am simply struggling and confused. I want to stay home with my kids. I want to make good on my promise to my mom. I want to be able to work( if I need too) and not make mere pocket change. Yet, I am just not sure where the Lord is directing or if I am letting the devil confuse me?!
All I know is this: "Something feels funny" which is what Korbin tells us when his insticts are kicking in and he not mature enough to discern what he is feeling or he is having an allergic reaction. Deep in the pit of my stomach, something feels funny and it is only through deep prayer and communication with my Savior and husband will I be able to find out exaclty what is feeling funny and how to fix it!

Daily Devotions

One of my goals for 2011 was to read my Bible more. As the days progress, this reading has given way to morning devotions with Korbin before school. Last year, Rod and I bought a devotional book for Korbin that we really love! Korbin really liked it because there was a picture of a boy playing soccer on the front cover that sparked his interest! It was on from there. In the beginning we would faithfully sit down in the evening when Konnor was just and infant and go over the book. We would pray at the end and spend about an hour or so going over this book and seeing what the Lord was saying to our little boy. More often than not, the Lord was saying something to us too, and it was a sweet time together. As Konnor got older, it got harder to do the devotions in the evening and it gave away to bath, bottle, book, bed. I missed our time together and as I began school myself, I really noticed a difference in the days that I made time for the Lord than when I did not. So, since there was a week in between Korbin going back to school and when I did, I made a commitment to do his devotions with him in the mornings. The devotions are about 5-10 minutes long, then we pray together and invite the Lord to be apart of our day. I wish I could say that each day comes and goes with ease all because we start our day with God but in reality, I just feel more equipped to handle what goes on in my day than I did before. It takes alot of work on my part: making sure lunches are packed the night before, clothes are laid out and books are together. Yet, somehow I do not seem to mind. I love hearing what is on Korbins heart and seeing all of the work that Sunday School Teacher and Junior church worker pour into him with love come out. It gives us a way to communicate and start our day on the "right" foot. It makes me sad that Rod is on his way to work during such a sweet time, but it also makes me feel good for him that we as a family are uplifting him in prayer each morning. What he does for our family by working everyday is important. Not only financially but called by God to be the "provider"for the "weaker vessel(s)". I want our boys to see, know and understand that this is not to be taken for granted since they themselves will be men *Sigh* someday. By giving our day to the Lord, it almost makes a crazy, hetic morning a little easier. Notice I said almost.It is hard to chase Konnor around and get his coat and hat on, get a slow moving six-year-old to get his coat, shoes and back pack and get out the door to warm up and clean up off the car. Instead of loosing my cool and telling Korbin for the 18th time is two minutes to get his stuff together and head for the door. I ask for the "peace of God which passes all understanding" to be apart of our day and asking Korbin to find his focus and obey quickly. Somehow, it seems to get done. I am just asking the Lord to help my focus not to loose focus when next week I begin school as well. I love being a mommy! It is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me! I hope that by giving our day over to Him, that he can see my thankfulness for such a great gift!

Monday Monday..

Well it is the first Monday of the New Year, and at the risk of having the bottom fall out, it has turned out ok:
-Konnor took a FOUR HOUR nap, which means, mommy got a nap too!!
-Did Devotions this morning with Korbin
-Made a HOT breakfast for the kids
-Found a Dentist that will accept payment arrangments and made an appointment
-Made Konnor a doctor appointment for tomorrow
- My SIL can babysit while I go to the Dentist and pick Korb up if need be
-I can see the basement floor again, the laundry is almost complete
-Called in Konnors medication
- Have Cookies in the Oven for Korbin and after school snack.

All in all I think it has been a pretty good day. I have to finish getting the house cleaned up and the christmas decorations down today but I am ok with what the day has held. Prayerfully, tomorrows day will run as smoothly!

Sicky Sicky

On the way home from Mamaw and Papaw's last night, Konnor got sick in the car. Both Rod and I assumed it was because we had just feed him dinner then tossed him into the car for a 45 minute drive home. I rocked him to sleep after an albuterol treatment and went to cuddle on the couch with my hubby while battle Korbin's pleas to stay awake while he yawns every third second. The night went fine until 3am, that is when the bottom fell out. As I battled my tooth ache and stomach churning I was trying to console a wheezing, whiney very awake 15 month old. Whom has been awake since then and it is now 9:45am. I sent Rod and Korb off to church as Konnor and I stayed at home. I destest missing church and I am dismayed that I am missing my sunday volunteering in the Tot Spot!! Atas mommy duty calls and when I have Sickys, I am up for the challenge and the extra cuddles that come with it.
Konnor is a sweet baby who wrinkles his nose as he smiles right before he nods of to dreamland. I love cuddling him and rocking him, which is why I have clung to our rocking long past the time I probably should. Yet I rocked Korb until he was two, and he turned out just fine! So in just a moment, I am going to pick up my luke warm coffee and my snotty nose little angel and carry him off to "our" chair and rock his over tired little body to sleep. Then even though the laundry is piled high and the dishwasher needs to be emptied and reloaded, I am going to carry my very heavy head to my bedroom and close my eyes until the phone rings and it is Rod asking me what I want for lunch on his way home from church. I know I must formulate a response before Korbin talks him into McDonalds(again!). I hate when my angels are sick but I love the extra moments we have together..speaking of which I have a little one who needs he nose wiped!!!

Taking Nothing for Granted!!

As the beginning of a new year, I resolve once again to maintain my blog! I have a couple other goals/resolutions but keeping up with the idealism of blogging to keep a journal somewhere in cyberspace for my kids to read some day and holds their memories and thoughts of their mom weighs heavy on me.
Over the Christmas holiday, my Uncle David lost his wife to complications of diabetes. A disease that I have been diagnosed with. To date, since my massive weight loss, I control it through diet and exercise. Yet the days are not that distant where I had to monitor my Blood Sugar very closely and often panicked, giving myself 4-6 insulin injections daily. I worked hard to maintain a good blood sugar level and often fail despite my attempts. So with Aunt Tricia's passing, I have taken it very hard. My cousin Cody is only 17 and he, like me, has the possibility of living more days on this earth without his mother than with her. This year will be 12 years that I have been living without my mom. Someone told me once, that it gets easier as the time goes on. I am not sure how much time has to pass but I often find it much more difficult without her as I get older. I have many more questions as I once, many more responsibilities, many realizations and I need the insight only my mommy could give.
Rod asks me often since the late evening of the December 24th, "How are you dealing with this" and my response is "I am not". Simple stated. I can only move forward in my own life and do what Aunt Tricia could not; take care of myself. I am not saying that she did not take care of herself. She lived in North Carolina, there is no way for me to know what she did or did not do(nor am I making such a horrific statement). I trust that she did, because she loved my Uncle and Cousin that much! As a wife and a mother, you often find yourself doing what it best for those you love and that includes taking care of yourself.
So as this New Year begins and death has claimed the life of another loved one, I am resolving not to let another one life go without gleaning some prospective from it! I will do my best to keep up with my blog to leave memories with my children and maybe allow someone else to glean some thing from my life that I am choosing to glean from others. I will tell those in my life how much I love them, regrdless of it I agree with thier choices but will pray for them faithfully in confidence that God will use things in thier lives( and mine) for His glory! I will take moments to cuddle with my boys and my husband and choose not to worry about the laundry, the dishes or the beds because in 10 years they will never remember those things anyway. I will work harder to manage my day to day taks with going to school so that I am not overwhelmed and overburdended. I will walk hand in hand with my Lord and Savior and allow Him to lead my life instead of letting Him walk next to me or beside me, I will follow Him.I will manage my health because in the long run, if I do not, it will someday manage me; I will use the tool I have been given and as I celebrate 3 years as being a wls patient I will achieve my goal weight!! I will enjoy my life, I will love every second both good and bad and in all things I will praise the Lord!!!

~ My Dear Aunt Tricia~
I wish I had gotten to know you better. Yet, I will not let your death go unnoticed! I will promise to take better care of myself so that this family does not loose another person to the brutality of diabetes!! Uncle David said that you were his best friend and he is going to miss you in ways that words can not discribe! Thank you for leaving that legacy with me and showing others that your marriage partner can be your best friend in life!! It gives me so much to strive for in my own life! I pray that you are resting in the arms of a Great and Mighty God and that I will meet you on Heaven golden shore one sweet day! You will be dearly missed upon this earth and you were greatly loved by many!~Kris