Refelctions of a Wife, Mom and Weightloss Surgery

My Small Group

2012-02-01T23:07:00.002-05:00

"This class is geared towards moms of kids 10 and under. Play Group /

Devotional time for moms & their kiddo’s. 45-minute play group for kids
while mom’s chat & do short devotion while answering mom’s need’s for a
play group & adult time."

This was the description in the Life Group book for the small group I am leading starting this Friday, Feb 3 starting at 10am. This week we are gonna begin to get to know each other and look at the book authored by Karol Ladd. I read this book as a first time mom, and it really helped me to look at the choice to be "just a mom" or a "Positive Mom". Since as a mom, you have the power to make or break your child(ren)s entire day, I wanted to get it right. Unfortunately, there are still alot of days I get it wrong, so when the opportunity to lead a small group kinda landed in my lap, I thought what a great way to refocus my motherhood and shift gears into the positive atmosphere. Plus, who doesn't like to take a road trip with their gal pals?! So what a trip to take, something that makes a REAL difference- the road being a positive mom!!

I am so excited to share with these ladies what God has spoken to me about, and to learn from them what God has done or is doing in their lives. I have never lead a small group and I am not sure exactly how all of this will go,especially since this small group is also a part play group. But what I do know, is that with God being the real leader of this group, we collectively can not go wrong since "Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I will be also".

I am looking forward to Friday and if you need more information because you are in the area and would like to join us, please email me through my private email or comment below and I will get you the information you need.

Have a great evening friends, and may this be the beginning of a positive night for you as well!!
~Kristy~

Taking Control of my Focus

2012-02-01T08:42:00.000-05:00

*This was orginally written on Monday, Jan 30,2011*

A couple of weeks ago now, Pastor Mike began talking about fasting. I listened intently as thought, " I should learn more about this" and had planned too but sometimes when you walk out the church doors, real life smacks you right in the face and I lost focus.

So, since tomorrow is the last day of January, now is as good as time as any. Right?
If you google fasting there are 3,500,000 results. Fasting is a way to regain focus, and you can choose to do this is many ways. You can do a full fast or a particial fast for a variety of days. Here are a couple of ways to get started...

Determine the reasons of your choice to fast

Since I am a type 2 Diabetic, I can not do a full fast(or absolute fast) so I will focus on the partical fast or you can give up an item & in it place put prayer and reflection on what God is speaking to you about.Giving up a source Social Media, is a good example.

Determine the length of your fasting experience, whether this is for 1 meal, 1 day, 3 days or a week (Jesus fasted for a period of 40 days, but that is no sign that anyone else might do that). You may wish to try a shorter fast, and start slowly at first, if you have not previously fasted. Since I have never fasted, I will start with one day a week and and double it each day a week until the end of Feb. So, the first week will be one day. The second week, two days. The third week four days and the fourth week I will complete a full week. On these days, I will have no solid foods. Protein shakes and broths. I will also abstain from the computer from these days, with the exception of my on-line classes. I will not be on facebook or blogging these days unless the Lord directs me otherwise.

Hold the right motives. Note that fasting as a Christian means to humble thyself before Him. It is a way to Glorify our Lord. Keep these aspects in mind while you fast. Try to hold off any other reasons for fasting such as weight loss, etc. Center it around Jesus. If weight loss should occur, then that is just a side effect of taking control of your focus.

Pray before your fast. Pray, confessing every one of your sins, and inviting the Holy Spirit to lead your life. Let Jesus know you wish to know Him personally. Acknowledge that He has died on the cross for our sins and rose to Heaven 3 days later, freeing us from condemnation, and giving us His free gift of eternal life. Ask forgiveness from everyone you have hurt; ask forgiveness from God. Forgive those who have hurt you. I will be praying specifically for the healing of two friends who need a touch from the Masters Hand, also the direction of our church as we look for a new Youth Pastor. Together, Rod & I will be praying about his job and the direction of our family.

Things have been crazy out of control in the month of January, and I have definitely lost my focus and I look forward to putting my focus back where it belongs. I am looking forward to talking with God and connecting with Him again, I have missed our time together. It makes me sad to realize that I put those moments with my God on the back burner. But honestly, I do not know for what?!

I will still continue to blog during this month (with the expection of the day or days each week that I am abstaining from solid food) of fasting and of course there is also tweaking especially when this is your first fast, like mine. However, I will not be on FB or Email (I will return emails if sent but I will not be sending them. If I need to connect with someone, I will have to do it by phone or in-person. Ha ha! Imagine that?). A friend, Keith, set forth this challenge and I accepted because in recent days I have found that this things are really robbing me or time and/or joy. If I want to find my focus,it should make sense that I look for joy too?

Lastly, I do not tell you that I am fasting because I want some sort of applause or accolade. Since this is my first time ever doing so, I want to encourage others to realize that it can be done and share how God is using this in my life. Not every time I do this nor everything I encounter while doing this will I share. Fasting is a very private thing between you & your God. You are putting aside something important to you to reach out to Him and say that He is more important to you than whatever you gave up.

Thanks for following me and I step out in Faith and do something different! I am looking forward to what February holds!!

~Kristy~

Church at home

2012-01-29T10:56:00.000-05:00

It sure has been a week here!! I have been sick since Wednesday, well I could "feel" it coming on Tuesday but I was in denail.

Konnor has not been sleeping well for a couple of weeks now, and the amount of times he was up verse the length of time began to become taxing.

Korbin began coughing on Wednesday and by that night was in an asthma tail spin. So on Thursday Rod had both boys at two different doctors.

On Friday, I still was feeling absolutely horrorible and went back to the doctor and got a steriod shot and post poned my dental extraction for another week.

Today, everyone is finally on an upward trend but still not at 100%. So the boys and I stayed home this morning from Church, while Rod went reluctantly without us.

There is something about going together as a family to church that I enjoy above all other activities we do. It is like a refreshing glass of water for our souls, where we each get what we need on our individual levels so that we can allow God to direct our paths for the given week. Yes, even the toddler.

Our new church has the BEST toddler program I have ever seen. Even in the infant room, the children recieve a story, prayer time and a "cuddle card" which talks about the story the the child recieved and how to cuddle & talk about God's word with your infant. then, when the 0-2 year old moves from the infant room to the toddler room, Ms. Anne celebrates the child's achievement with amazing excitement!!

Then the toddlers move over to "Tot Spot" where they get a more structured way of learning, that just expands upon what was done on the infant side to encourage there ever growing curousity with a safe enviroment to learn. Each child is loved on, taught, played with and given God's word to hide in thier heart, even from age 2-4. Then, Konnor will get a similar type of graduation when he goes from the Tot Spot to the childrens wing as Ms. Anne walks the new grads into thier next phase of childhood at church. She and the other Tot Spot-ers do such a great job. I am so thankful for them, it is really hard to put into words how much my heart loves this ministry!!

Korbin has an equally wonderful experience in the "Food Allergy Friendly" childrens wing. No, this church is not perfect, but they are diligently trying to get it which helps me to be actually worship instead of sitting there wondering if someone was going to try and convince me again if there was no nuts in Honey Nut Cherrios. With Lori & Stan at the check-in, and host of other parents who deal with similar food allergy issues, Korbin is not the only person who carries an epi pen with him nor are we the only ones who know how to properly administer it. People are kind to him and care for him and never treat him differently because of his food issues. He tells us often that he feels respected because no one ever treats him as a bother of something he can not control. Which is another reason, I find myself loving the people at this church; because they love on my kids!!!

So for us to miss church for these reasons, and a great many other, is rather difficult on this momma. So rather than sulking and starting the day off a miss, I decided to give to God what He asks of us..some love & time. I grabbed up Konnor and we went to snuggle with Korbin and read some of Gods word.

I love this book because it meets both the boys where they are..it is stories that are worded that Konnor can understand with pictures and at the end there is a group questions that can help me tie into Korbins life. Today's was "How to be a Man of God". We prayed with Rod before he left and while we should be in church we are watching some God centered DVD's instead of Mickey Mouse or Phineas & Feb.

In a day filled with giving med's, refilling juice cups and listening to the hum of the nebulizer it was nice to start this day as it should have been. I need to work more on giving God his time at home everyday, not just with the boys but to feed my own soul too. Life is a balance and with God on our side, we have the scales tipped in our favor!! May your Sunday be filled with His Love and Peace today!!

~Kristy~

Shaking the Funk

2012-01-26T18:11:00.000-05:00

I think I have decided that the way the Devil picks at me is through distractions. I am a list maker, infact I LOVE them! And if something comes up that I must do that is not on my list, I will then write it on the list only to cross it off to prove that I have accomplished said unplanned item. But lately, it seems as if it is one thing after another that caused me to be distracted from the task at hand. I feel overwhelmed, discombobulated and very out of sorts. I do not like this feeling and I need to find away to shake the funk!

On Monday night, I went to my Mamaw's as I had planned and by mid day Tuesday my plan for the week went out the window. Konnor has been up all night most nights for two or three weeks now. I have some pretty big deadlines to meet in Chemistry and A&P, which on top of grocery shopping, laundry, & cleaning to basement so the water co. could come out this week; I had no time to get sick. But yet, it happened. So cleaning gave way to a pillow & blanket with a trip to the urgent care. I have bronchitis with a sinus infection...

So with my schedule more off than normal, I feel as if my head is whirling. I mean, it may be the corticosteroids I am on or it could be my lack of control. I have no control of when I get sick or for how long I am out of commission, but it does not aid in this funk I have had lately.

I have been super reflective, and become increasingly thankful for what I do have rather than what I do not. Yes, things are hard for my family right now but if I look around it is easy to find someone that I can bless in someway without having alot of money in the bank to do so. Yet, regardless it feels as if there is this coat of funkiness I am wearing that I can not seem to remove! It is annoying and troublesome!

What does one do to shake the funk? Well I do not know what works for everyone, but what works for me is simple: laughter! Listening to the laughter of my kiddo's, sharing laughter with my husband, making time to laugh with my friends, and laughing when I feel like crying.

~Kristy~

Each Day is a Gift

2012-01-25T20:43:00.000-05:00

Somewhere along the way, I have stopped realizing that each day is a gift. Good. Bad. Indifferent. Each day is one more that the Lord has allowed us to have and we should be thankful for that day, and whatever occurs.
Because somewhere someone is fighting for one more day or someone is wishing they had just one more day.

The year I was in the four grade, I was in a spilt class with fifth graders. This is where I met my first real friend, Amy. She had long, scraggley reddish brown hair, a gap in her front teeth like me and divorced parents like I did so we were destined to be best friends from the start! We did everything that we could together. Since my homelife was a shipwreck, I waitted for days in Ms. Derossick class where I could share my woe's with my friend who got it, even as a fifth grader. She cried with me. Laughed with me. And never let me fall alone. After school, I begged my mom often to "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go to Amy's house", where after a quick call to Amy's mom, I was dropped off within an hour or two. The answer was not always yes, but I lived for the moments that were. Amy had a big family, a sister, two step sisters and a half brother. Her life mirrored mine, and I could get lost at her house with the laughter and squabbles or trips with her mom and step dad to the bowling alley. Fourth grade was the B E S T grade ever!!! When my family moved away at the end of that year, I was devestated. But Amy stated true to her word and we stayed in touch. I was even the friend she invited to go camping with her as her family went to Kings Island. It was my first time sleeping in a tent. Being in a 5th Wheel and going any where that was not to Tennessee to see my mom's family as a "vacation". We stayed friends through the years until somewhere after high school. We had interactions here and there but nothing to speak of. It was sad to me that our friend ship slipped through the cracks of life and I oftend hoped that life would bring us together again. The day my mom died, I thought of Amy alot. If ever I needed the girl who shared my pain, it was then. I was more than thankful for the amazing friends that shared my grief, but there was something special about my fourth grade friend that I needed at that time. Soon after, I had learned she had a little boy, J and I was invited to her wedding. It was strange sitting there,at that table enjoying a special day with my childhood friend, I was still hoping that somehow, someway this new phase of Amy's life would rekindle our frienship. A few phone calls here or there, but it was clear we were headed in different directions. Fast forward a few years, I find out that that our seperate paths rewarded us with very different futures...this year would have been Amy's 35th birthday. Somewhere there is a little boy wishing for one more day with his mommy. I think of her often and my heart aches for him.

This week-end, a friend, lays in a hospital bed fighting for one more day with her beautiful family. Praising God for all that He had done, never chastising Him for the disease that is distroying her body and will take her away from her family much, much to early. I remember being a young twenty something sitting in a church pew watching in awe as she lavished love on her darling girls and handsome son while lovingly disciplining them when necessary. On a given day, her husband snuck up behind her and kissed her on the cheek. She blushed like a school girl, and the love that they shared was evident. I knew then and there, I want to be a mother and wife so in love with her family that I wore it proudly displayed upon my face for all to see, like my friend! My heart aches for her, the pain that she endures. The reality of the future that she face unless God intervenes..
Why does it take such harshness for me to realize that I am given so, so much? There are a great many reason or excuses that I could give to you, but alas it is simply selfishness. I, like so many, think far more about myself than I should.

One of my first memorable Sunday school classes at my current church was lead by a man named, Mark. His statement was simple, ".. as soon as we all realize that we are on the bottom rung on the ladder and Christ is above us and we strive together to be more like and reach Him, we will all get along fine". Profound.
And ya know? On those days when I humble myself before Christ and Man are the days I feel the best and have the most peace in my heart. Each day is a gift, we are simply not promised another nor were we promised on this earth as my mother would say, a rose garden. I want to live with more passion and love with more passion and at the end of my days I want to leave a legacy that I realized that each day is a gift and acted as such, leaving no regrets!!

Dream Big, Push Hard..

2012-01-18T15:30:00.003-05:00

This is from a friends blog this morning and it made an impact on my entire day!!

"Dream big, push hard – know that God can do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20), and you’ll see God change the trajectory of your life. And in those times, when you make a mistake or fail, keep you head up and know that your faith is spot on. However, your life is too short to make the same mistakes over and over – learn from your mistakes, correct them, dust yourself off, and get back on the right track."

The reality is..I have not been dreaming or pushing for a really long time! Since Rod was laid off in December of 2008, all of my dreams came screeching to a halt and began the act of surviving.Thus the continual feeling of drowning. I put me and all my needs/desires on the back burner to meet the needs of my family to get by. Even when I enrolled in school again, I just wanted to simply "get done" because we need me to get a job NOW!!

This is where I feel the need to stop and explain something..when Korbin was born, I had planned to return to work at the bank. Rod had told me since we had found out the Korb was coming, the he wanted me to stay home. Each time he said this, I would laugh! I was NOT the stay at home mother type. Geesh!! Well, with no baby sitter to speak of and with a new found desire to protect my infant son at all costs, I became the stay at home mom type! This is when Rod filled me in on his Divine plan: He prayed that God would change my mind and heart and that I would stay home with our child(ren) until he/ they were old enough to be in school all day. We had no idea that God would continue to answer Rod's prayer even in a time that our family desperately needed me to work. I did, however, have a less than part time job working with the elderly doing home care for approximately a year. I loved this job, and it reaffirmed my career field choice but because of the distances I had drive verses the few hours I was at each home, we were not making any money, so after Konnor was born and I had my gallbladder removed, I did not return.Since then, I have not been able to get a job anywhere, including the local golden arches despite my attempts!! I think I am the only person in America who has applied multiple times to fast food places only to be repeatedly turned down, ha ha!!

So now, I am in school full time while being a stay at home mom.

Since we were fighting so hard to simply survive, I stopped dreaming. About my goal weight. About vacations. About the future. About everything. I just simply prayed often that somehow in someway we would simply make it through this nightmare. When you stop dreaming, you stop pushing to succeed.

Through the course of the day, I realized because I stopped dreaming I let bitterness and jealousy set in. Which is hard to admit. When ever I would hear about a friend or even a friend of a friend who took a great vacation or did something amazing, I often found myself in the tailspin of a horrible depression. Then the self loathing began which ultimately lead too, you guessed it, an argument with Rod over something completely ridiculous!

So that act of stopping to believe in my dreams, was a very serious mistake!

In the month of December, I seen the hand of God in our lives in a way I had not seen in a very long time. I was astounded! And embarrassed..I had not lost faith in God. Or even questioned why He was allowing this to continue..I had honestly stopped caring. The situation is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it. Right?

As the month began to unfold, and things began to change,and so did I! I felt..happy again. Hopeful even. And then just as I began to think maybe..MAYBE?! The month changed on the calender and so did the tide.It was back to business as usual..sigh! So where does this leave me, exactly??

Should I dare to dream? Should I dare to push? Should I PLAN for the future????

Well, Tommy's blog post answered that for me: "Pray through it and fix it NOW!"

I will hold close this blog's theme verse and pray through it and wait for God "(to) do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20)! So, as I dare to dream again and push hard for something amazing to happen, I look forward to sharing with you how God answers prayer and changes things.

Because no matter what; God is Good all the Time!!
~Kristy~

**If you would like to read all of Pastor Tommy Swindol's Blog post "What to do with Failure" http://www.fwb21.com/2012/01/18/what-to-do-with-failure/ check this out!!

Plans Delayed!

2012-01-17T16:48:00.000-05:00

I was on track..
1 cup coffee -check
1-12oz protein shake-check
24ozs water-check

Unexpected phone call.. NOT Check!

I went to the dentist yesterday because of an on going tooth problem. Both of my eye teeth have broken off and because we have not had health/dental insurance for the past two years (because of Rod's unemployment), I have not been able to get them looked at or fixed.
A friend gave me the name and number to a local dentist that would work with me, so I called immediately and looked forward to getting this dental pain relieved.After a super painful dentist and a slip to turn to get the broken tooth cut out, I called the neurologist to check to make sure the medicine they have me taking for the infection was in accordance with the current medicine I was taking for my migraine.
This morning the phone rings and the receptionist tells me that the doctor wants me to do everything the exact same until after the dental extraction to see if the teeth problems are also causing my headaches. Sooo...at first I was completely discouraged!! I was off & running, so to speak and now this?!
I should be use to being side tracked but, I guess no one really ever gets use to that! Now what do I do??
A HOUSE DETOX!!!
Until I go back to the dentist, I will be searching for every non-healthy, goal-detouring, pound packing on item that dwells in my cabinets and fridge and remove it.
I will continue on with my water goals and taking my supplements and go forward from there. This is a journey, not a sprint. Its not who gets there first sometimes, it is simply about finishing the race.
Make no mistake, I will finish the race!! Thank you all for either running with me or cheering me on!!
~Kristy~

Protien Shakes and a Plan

2012-01-17T09:25:00.001-05:00

These are my FAVORITE Protien Shake Recipes!! I never dreaded making them because they all really taste good!
I made my list & went to the grocery to make sure I had everything on hand to make any of these at anytime! So now that I have my food under control, I need to make a plan.

So here goes:
8:00am-coffee
9:30-Protien shake
24ozs water
12:30-Protien Shake
24ozs water
3:30-Soup at Hand Cream of Boccoli
24 ozs water
6:00pm-6ozs lean chicken breast w/ 1/2 cup salsa and a salad w/ 1/4 cup shredded cheese and dressing
9:00 *Night time eatting is my DOWN FALL* Hand full of pretzels, 2 oz's cubed cheese and cup of Hot Tea

1 multivitamen
1 calcuim Supp
1 Vit C Sup
1 Iron
2 Fiber Supp's
1 B-Complex
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Vanilla Coffee Delight
Ingredients:  10-12 oz low-fat milk  2 scoops vanilla protein powder  1/2 cup low-fat coffee flavored ice cream Add all ingredients in blender. Blend and enjoy.

The Bad Girl
Ingredients:

■12 oz skim milk
■2-4 Chocolate Graham Crackers & 1/2 tsp peppermint extract
■Handful of ice
■2 scoops of chocolate whey protein
Blend and enjoy! *This is great after a hard work out because of the extra carbs involved*

Orange Vanilla Shake
Ingredients:

■2 scoops of vanilla protein powder
■4-5 ice cubes
■1 tsp vanilla extract
■1/2 banana
■2-3 frozen strawberries
■2 packets of sweetener
This will get your taste buds going!

Chocolate Coffee Shake
Ingredients:

■2 scoops of chocolate protein
■1 cup of skim milk
■5 ice cubes
■1 cup of water
■1 spoonful of instant coffee!
Yummo!!!

Cinnamon Roll Protein Shake
Ingredients:

■2 scoops vanilla protein powder
■1 tbsp sugar-free instant vanilla pudding
■1/4 tsp cinnamon
■1/2 tsp imitation vanilla (or 1/4 tsp extract)
■1 packet artificial sweetener
■a few dashes butter flavor sprinkles or butter-flavor extract
■8 oz water (or low-fat milk)
■3 ice cubes
Directions:
Add all ingredients to blender, whip, and serve

Orange Sunrise
Ingredients
-1 cup Crystal Light Orange Sunrise
-1/2 cup cool whip
-1 scoop Vanilla Protien Powder
-5 Ice Cubes
Directions:
Blend until Smooth

Vanilla Chai Protien Shake

Ingredients:
-1 cup skim milk
-1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
-1/4 cup Splenda
-1/3 cup unflavored or vanilla protein powder
-3 teaspoons instant tea mix, unsweetened
-3/4 teaspoons vanilla extract
-3/4 teaspoons cinnamon
-8 ice cubes
Directions:
Blend Until Smooth

Pina Colada Protein Shake

Ingredients:
-1 cup water
-2 packets Splenda
-2 scoops vanilla protein powder
-8 ice cubes
-1 teaspoon pineapple extract
-1/2 teaspoon coconut extract
Directions:
Mix all ingredients in a blender until smooth and creamy

This is the ONLY protien powder I buy & use. I have tried all the off brands, and alot of them get stuck in the bottom of my blender or,even worse, they cause my HUGE digestion problems! So, when I talk about my gastric bypass and making protien shakes-EAS 100% Whey protien is all I suggest to my friends! They also sell soy too!!

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So now I have a plan & my protien mapped out to so here I go!!!!

Mindless Eatting

2012-01-13T12:14:00.005-05:00

I sat down to write out some goals and mindless grabbed some of these lil bad boys! They look harmless enough and maybe if you ate one or two a day, they might be. But since I grabbed SIX of these and have a couple times a day since Christmas, I am wondering how often I actually mindlessly eat?

I remember when I first started my weight loss journey in 2007, I realized I was a plate cleaner. C'mon moms?! You all either know someone or have been a plate cleaner yourself at some point in your child's life. Ya know, you pick up your child's plate and see one or two pieces of food and since you have been crazy busy meeting everyone elses needs you forgot to meet your own basic need:FOOD! So, you grab a handle full of pretzels from Johnny's plate, a 1/2 eaten piece of cheese from Suzy's plate and gulp down the baby's left over pudding and your off and running again. You toss the clean plates into the dishwasher and continue on the mad dash of daily motherhood duties until dinner time,where the same thing occurs. Then at 10pm at night, you wonder why you are starving?? I have worked really hard to conquer my plate cleaning demon but I had not realized in it's place I had replaced it with mindless eating.

Does the food battles EVER END????

This morning I stepped on the scale for the first time since the beginning of December, 2011. I was horrified to see the reading of 263.9 at that time. I was so upset that I took the batteries out of the electronic scale and hide them from myself so these horrible torcher device could not threaten me again!! Until this morning...it was time to face the music. If I am gonna put an action place into place, I need to know exactly what I am battling again, right? Holding my breath, I stepped on to the scale and MUCH to my surprise, it said 260.3. OK! OK, I know that number is nothing to get excited about but admittedly so, it was better than I thought.

So here we go: Monday is MLK day and I do not dare start anything on a day that is not in schedule or a week-end. From past experiences, they are never a success. Tuesday is the day!! I will be doing something called the Five Day Pouch Test or 5dpt for short. It is away to retrain my pouch that was created from my stomach & small intestines during my gastric bypass. Each day is just like a phase that I was on from the first day of surgery until complete healing, thus regular food. It focus's on helping you recognizing to feel full again and protein/complex starch's. Each day has rules and regulations to help you achieve maximum success.It also includes regular/daily exercise. If you are interested, you can click on the link under blogs I follow for Living After WLS, and it will describe the 5dpt in detail but I will give more information each day as to what I will be doing. Until then, I am gonna continue on my daily supplements and water...I am back up to 64 oz's of water per day not including coffee or hot/ice tea that I drink. I have also not had any pop in a short while too.

Lastly, I am gonna put into check the mindless eating. I use to eat 6 small meals a day or every 2-3 hours. I was never hungry because I knew exactly when I was gonna eat again. I think it was a mind over matter thing, plus with this style of eating it kept my blood sugar in check too. I am not sure if I am ready to do this again, actually to be honest, I am terrified!! I simply do not want to fail!! By all accounts, I have lost more than 100 lbs and the weight loss surgery center has classified me as a "success". So the devil who sits upon my shoulder wants to know why I am gonna torture myself again. Even with weight loss surgery, loosing weight is hard work. I worked for every pound that I lost and will have to again. It is time consuming, painful and lots of work!! So WHY am I doing this again!!!

Because I am worth it!! That's why!!!

~Kristy~

Finally...a new post!!

2012-01-12T18:50:00.004-05:00

Ya know, I have been CRAZY busy and let grass grow under my feet blogging. I am really sorry to those of you who really look forward to reading my posts and have encouraged me to get back into things.

No, I have no idea how to link this to face book but will look into it, for those of you who have asked me to do that for you.

So, a quick update: I am still in school. This semester I am taking organic chemistry & Anatomy and Physiology. After this semester, I can apply to the respiratory therapy program. I have another semester and an entrance test before I can apply to the nursing program.

I have also been struggling with migraine headaches and I am currently under the care of a neurologist for these. I was taking topamax for them, which is actually an anticonvolsant but it is also used now to treat migraines. I had some side effects to that, so now I am trying something else. Well actually, I am praying about trying something else. I have the scrip laying on the entertainment center and I am just not sure if I wanna use it or not. The doctor said she see's alot people who have had a gastric bypass for migraines. So, this month I have been focusing on taking my vitamins and increasing my water to see if there is any improvement with that.

The above picture is the most current one, it was taken is October 2011. My current weight in that pictures is..gasp..257.3!! I know, I know!! This is a LONG way from my 190's I was in right before I was pregnant with Konnor. There has been so much happening, I have honestly putting my health on the back burner again. Which is one of the reasons I was wondering if I began to experience migraines.

This time last year, I was struggling with the idea of failure. Was I a failure because of the regain?? I mean, I had weight loss surgery to be healthy, right? So, if I gained back weight and was no longer healthy, was I a failure?? To be honest, I am still not sure of the answer. But what I am sure of is that if I give up completely, that definitely makes me a failure, so I refuse to give up!!

Just as soon as I made that commitment, I got slammed in the face with something else. Or should I say, someone else. No! Ha ha it is NOT what you are thinking...there is no other little Kristy on the horizon!! I am talking about my mamaw.

My mom died some years ago, and this year her mom who is in her senior years, began to need some extra care. So my aunts and uncles, cousins and my sister and I began giving her around the clock care in her home. This emotionally and physically exhausting. Make no mistake, I would not change any moment of the help I have given to her or the bonding we have experienced because of it. Or the bonding I have experienced with my family. I would however change, the time I had to spend away from Rod and the boys. I miss them when I am not with them but mamaw's house is just not a place for them to be right now. Mamaw is getting stronger everyday and with continued therapy,she should be able to care for herself enough to only need help during the night. Instead of getting started on my fitness and weight loss goals in Jan, I am looking at Feb.

What are my goals? The most simple is too feel good again. I hate feeling like I have failed and I hate feeling dependant on medicine to feel good. I would like to get to my goal weigh of 169 lbs, which is still 200lbs from my highest weight. I also would like to run my first 5k this year. I want to be able to cook more healthy foods for my family and lastly, I want to reduce the amount of coffee I drink. I LOVE coffee!! Every time I smell it I am transported back to my grandparents house in KY and the smell that came from the cups when my dad was there and would sit and drink coffee around the dark, wooden table with the spindle bar chairs. To this day, I have no idea if my papaw drank the coffee or not but it is one of my fondest memories. So drinking coffee and smelling it remind me of my dad & papaw. But too much of it just is not good for me, so one or two cups a day is a good goal. Maybe tomorrow, I will make a post a list..just like the old days..and of course one of my obvious goals is to blog more. There is something healthy for me about putting my thoughts into word form and getting them out of my head and onto paper. Plus, I like the memories it leaves for the boys. And if I put it on "blogger" paper it does not clutter the corners of my house to eventually get tossed away. Thank you all for sticking with me and continue to read & inquire. I look forward to blogging with you more and I fight the regain, finish school and see what else God has in store for me & mine in 2012!~Kristy~

I am sooo sick!!

2011-01-10T12:06:00.002-05:00

Goodness!
I can not remember the last time I was this sick!
Early last week, we had Konnor to the dr. because he has a sinus infection. The day before that I had a tooth pulled but by Wednesday, I could feel somthing coming on but despite my attempts, I could not stop it!
On Friday,whatever I have or had, arrived full force! The week still was not over yet, so now, Korbin was coughing too and stayed home from school. So a sick mommy had two sick kids at home.
Boy, Friday was a rough day and I barely made it through! On Saturday, I could not pick my head up off of the pillow. Thank the good Lord, Rod was home to help with the boys, because I slept until 1:30pm and then I laid on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. It was all a blur really, my chest and head just ached and I was simply miserable!
Late, Saturday night I felt a little better and got off the couch. It is a good thing too because, Rod had to take Korbin to the emergency room. I knew it was the croup, we deal with this a couple of times a year at least. But my poor baby had broken most of the blood vessels in this cheeks because he was coughing so hard. Two hours later at one in the morning, Rod and Korbin were home again. The ER doc gave Korbin a steriod and sent him home again, as is the normal case. Two popsicles later, and he was sound alseep.
I wish popsicles could take away what is bothering me. It was Sunday and I was still pretty miserable and my head/sinus' just ached. I was taking ever over-the-counter medicine I could to alievate some of the pain. Nothing seemed to do the trick. I was back into bed by 10pm that night after getting up at 10 that morning with a two hour nap in the middle of the day.
I felt horrible that Rod had to help out with both kids, who were not feeling the best themselves, all week-end and did not get to rest himself. Yet, he was simply amazing! There was a time in Rod's life where by Sunday evening, he would have exploded with the fact that he did not get any time to himself after working all week! The self entitlement was gone and left in it's place a simply a man; God's man, serving his family while they were sick.
I remember nodding off to sleep Sunday thanking the Lord for the change He had done in Rod's life. I wanted to tell Rod of my delight in him yet, I choose to tell the Lord. It was He who had authored this great change, it was Rod who simply submitted and obeyed His master. It made me fall in love with Rod more! My love for my husband deepens and grows as his love for and obedience grows to God. At first, when I realized this, it struck me oddly. Then I realized, this is how God intended for it to be: "Just as Christ had loved the Church and given Himself for her". God you are truly amazing!
Never the less, I am sick! And sick I still was when Konnor got up at t 3am Monday morning. Still too sick and tired to do much, I stuck him in bed with me and we dozed on and off until the alarm went off at 7am.So it begins another week, and we all have jobs to do. Sick or not.
My second semester starts today, so while Konnor naps I am laying here on the couch, trying to keep my head up as I alternate between writing and reading the information for my three new classes. I would nap but I am fearful that I would miss the alarm and not get to the school in time to pick up Korbin.
Alas, I am sooo sick but God is still soooo good!

Struggling, Confusion and More

2011-01-07T12:28:00.002-05:00

After High School, I made a promise to my mom that I would go to and graduate from college. My mom did not even finish High School, so it was of the uttmost importnace to her that we finish not only high school but college. I was well on my way, when I began at a local community college then transfered to a major four-year university to live on campus to finish my degree. Things were going along swimmingly when my mom died unexpectedly in the middle of the night on mothers day in 1999. Needless to say, my life was never the same. Neither was my college experience. I began having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night and hyperventilating believing that I was having a heart attack. I was not sleeping, so I began eatting to compensate for my exhaustion thus gaining massive amounts of weight. I was failing my classes and trying to cope with extreme loss while continueing to live away from all of my family and close friends. I just could not continue to down the path that I was on, so I got an apartment close to my sister and left my four year university. I regretted leaving but I did not see any other way around it. I vowed to go back and finish college...
I tried going back to the community college in 2001 and began in a photography class. I was in the dark room when I found out about the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in NYC. This sent my life once again, into complete panic because my dad is a truck driver and I could not reach him for more than four hours by cell phone. I had to face the idea that I may have lost both parents within two years..thank the Lord my dad was ok!! I could not bring myself to go back into the dark room and dropped my classes once again.
After marrying Rod in 2003, it was our agreement that I would finish school before we started a family and looked again at the community college. However again God had other plans, I found out I was pregnant and began a stay at home mom after Korbin was born in 2004.
Going to school was always in the back of my mind, after all I made a promise that I needed to fulfill. So when Rod become laid off for two consecutive years, I knew I had to go back to school. It was only after I registered for classes and we changed churches, that Rod got a job.
I want to fulfill my promise to my mom. But my heart is not in going to school as I thought it would be. I am struggling with being a good mom, good wife, keeping a clean home, being involved in Korbins school, making time for my toddler, friends, church and a million other things that call for my attention daily!! I frustrated because I feel as if I am going to be in school forever!! This is my second semester and I am no where near my core classes.. time is ticking away and I have no idea what I am suppose to do!!
With Rod working, he makes enough to pay our necessities. No more than that. No vactions, No extra's. No emergencies. No retirement savings. No college savings. No. No. No. Not because he is doing anything wrong but because the economy has made his salary take a nose dive.
I am simply struggling and confused. I want to stay home with my kids. I want to make good on my promise to my mom. I want to be able to work( if I need too) and not make mere pocket change. Yet, I am just not sure where the Lord is directing or if I am letting the devil confuse me?!
All I know is this: "Something feels funny" which is what Korbin tells us when his insticts are kicking in and he not mature enough to discern what he is feeling or he is having an allergic reaction. Deep in the pit of my stomach, something feels funny and it is only through deep prayer and communication with my Savior and husband will I be able to find out exaclty what is feeling funny and how to fix it!

Daily Devotions

2011-01-06T09:09:00.005-05:00

One of my goals for 2011 was to read my Bible more. As the days progress, this reading has given way to morning devotions with Korbin before school. Last year, Rod and I bought a devotional book for Korbin that we really love! Korbin really liked it because there was a picture of a boy playing soccer on the front cover that sparked his interest! It was on from there. In the beginning we would faithfully sit down in the evening when Konnor was just and infant and go over the book. We would pray at the end and spend about an hour or so going over this book and seeing what the Lord was saying to our little boy. More often than not, the Lord was saying something to us too, and it was a sweet time together. As Konnor got older, it got harder to do the devotions in the evening and it gave away to bath, bottle, book, bed. I missed our time together and as I began school myself, I really noticed a difference in the days that I made time for the Lord than when I did not. So, since there was a week in between Korbin going back to school and when I did, I made a commitment to do his devotions with him in the mornings. The devotions are about 5-10 minutes long, then we pray together and invite the Lord to be apart of our day. I wish I could say that each day comes and goes with ease all because we start our day with God but in reality, I just feel more equipped to handle what goes on in my day than I did before. It takes alot of work on my part: making sure lunches are packed the night before, clothes are laid out and books are together. Yet, somehow I do not seem to mind. I love hearing what is on Korbins heart and seeing all of the work that Sunday School Teacher and Junior church worker pour into him with love come out. It gives us a way to communicate and start our day on the "right" foot. It makes me sad that Rod is on his way to work during such a sweet time, but it also makes me feel good for him that we as a family are uplifting him in prayer each morning. What he does for our family by working everyday is important. Not only financially but called by God to be the "provider"for the "weaker vessel(s)". I want our boys to see, know and understand that this is not to be taken for granted since they themselves will be men *Sigh* someday. By giving our day to the Lord, it almost makes a crazy, hetic morning a little easier. Notice I said almost.It is hard to chase Konnor around and get his coat and hat on, get a slow moving six-year-old to get his coat, shoes and back pack and get out the door to warm up and clean up off the car. Instead of loosing my cool and telling Korbin for the 18th time is two minutes to get his stuff together and head for the door. I ask for the "peace of God which passes all understanding" to be apart of our day and asking Korbin to find his focus and obey quickly. Somehow, it seems to get done. I am just asking the Lord to help my focus not to loose focus when next week I begin school as well. I love being a mommy! It is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me! I hope that by giving our day over to Him, that he can see my thankfulness for such a great gift!

Monday Monday..

2011-01-03T14:45:00.002-05:00

Well it is the first Monday of the New Year, and at the risk of having the bottom fall out, it has turned out ok:
-Konnor took a FOUR HOUR nap, which means, mommy got a nap too!!
-Did Devotions this morning with Korbin
-Made a HOT breakfast for the kids
-Found a Dentist that will accept payment arrangments and made an appointment
-Made Konnor a doctor appointment for tomorrow
- My SIL can babysit while I go to the Dentist and pick Korb up if need be
-I can see the basement floor again, the laundry is almost complete
-Called in Konnors medication
- Have Cookies in the Oven for Korbin and after school snack.

All in all I think it has been a pretty good day. I have to finish getting the house cleaned up and the christmas decorations down today but I am ok with what the day has held. Prayerfully, tomorrows day will run as smoothly!

Sicky Sicky

2011-01-02T09:43:00.002-05:00

On the way home from Mamaw and Papaw's last night, Konnor got sick in the car. Both Rod and I assumed it was because we had just feed him dinner then tossed him into the car for a 45 minute drive home. I rocked him to sleep after an albuterol treatment and went to cuddle on the couch with my hubby while battle Korbin's pleas to stay awake while he yawns every third second. The night went fine until 3am, that is when the bottom fell out. As I battled my tooth ache and stomach churning I was trying to console a wheezing, whiney very awake 15 month old. Whom has been awake since then and it is now 9:45am. I sent Rod and Korb off to church as Konnor and I stayed at home. I destest missing church and I am dismayed that I am missing my sunday volunteering in the Tot Spot!! Atas mommy duty calls and when I have Sickys, I am up for the challenge and the extra cuddles that come with it.
Konnor is a sweet baby who wrinkles his nose as he smiles right before he nods of to dreamland. I love cuddling him and rocking him, which is why I have clung to our rocking long past the time I probably should. Yet I rocked Korb until he was two, and he turned out just fine! So in just a moment, I am going to pick up my luke warm coffee and my snotty nose little angel and carry him off to "our" chair and rock his over tired little body to sleep. Then even though the laundry is piled high and the dishwasher needs to be emptied and reloaded, I am going to carry my very heavy head to my bedroom and close my eyes until the phone rings and it is Rod asking me what I want for lunch on his way home from church. I know I must formulate a response before Korbin talks him into McDonalds(again!). I hate when my angels are sick but I love the extra moments we have together..speaking of which I have a little one who needs he nose wiped!!!

Taking Nothing for Granted!!

2011-01-01T09:36:00.003-05:00

As the beginning of a new year, I resolve once again to maintain my blog! I have a couple other goals/resolutions but keeping up with the idealism of blogging to keep a journal somewhere in cyberspace for my kids to read some day and holds their memories and thoughts of their mom weighs heavy on me.
Over the Christmas holiday, my Uncle David lost his wife to complications of diabetes. A disease that I have been diagnosed with. To date, since my massive weight loss, I control it through diet and exercise. Yet the days are not that distant where I had to monitor my Blood Sugar very closely and often panicked, giving myself 4-6 insulin injections daily. I worked hard to maintain a good blood sugar level and often fail despite my attempts. So with Aunt Tricia's passing, I have taken it very hard. My cousin Cody is only 17 and he, like me, has the possibility of living more days on this earth without his mother than with her. This year will be 12 years that I have been living without my mom. Someone told me once, that it gets easier as the time goes on. I am not sure how much time has to pass but I often find it much more difficult without her as I get older. I have many more questions as I once, many more responsibilities, many realizations and I need the insight only my mommy could give.
Rod asks me often since the late evening of the December 24th, "How are you dealing with this" and my response is "I am not". Simple stated. I can only move forward in my own life and do what Aunt Tricia could not; take care of myself. I am not saying that she did not take care of herself. She lived in North Carolina, there is no way for me to know what she did or did not do(nor am I making such a horrific statement). I trust that she did, because she loved my Uncle and Cousin that much! As a wife and a mother, you often find yourself doing what it best for those you love and that includes taking care of yourself.
So as this New Year begins and death has claimed the life of another loved one, I am resolving not to let another one life go without gleaning some prospective from it! I will do my best to keep up with my blog to leave memories with my children and maybe allow someone else to glean some thing from my life that I am choosing to glean from others. I will tell those in my life how much I love them, regrdless of it I agree with thier choices but will pray for them faithfully in confidence that God will use things in thier lives( and mine) for His glory! I will take moments to cuddle with my boys and my husband and choose not to worry about the laundry, the dishes or the beds because in 10 years they will never remember those things anyway. I will work harder to manage my day to day taks with going to school so that I am not overwhelmed and overburdended. I will walk hand in hand with my Lord and Savior and allow Him to lead my life instead of letting Him walk next to me or beside me, I will follow Him.I will manage my health because in the long run, if I do not, it will someday manage me; I will use the tool I have been given and as I celebrate 3 years as being a wls patient I will achieve my goal weight!! I will enjoy my life, I will love every second both good and bad and in all things I will praise the Lord!!!

~ My Dear Aunt Tricia~
I wish I had gotten to know you better. Yet, I will not let your death go unnoticed! I will promise to take better care of myself so that this family does not loose another person to the brutality of diabetes!! Uncle David said that you were his best friend and he is going to miss you in ways that words can not discribe! Thank you for leaving that legacy with me and showing others that your marriage partner can be your best friend in life!! It gives me so much to strive for in my own life! I pray that you are resting in the arms of a Great and Mighty God and that I will meet you on Heaven golden shore one sweet day! You will be dearly missed upon this earth and you were greatly loved by many!~Kris

Keeping trudging along..

2010-06-30T13:41:00.004-04:00

Well, today is Wednesday and it has been an interestly, stessful week thus far. Korbin went to spend the night with Rod's mom & dad on Monday night coming home this morning for our summer reading program at the local library.
We left here Monday midday to take Korbin to Rod's mom & dad's. We stayed for dinner and came home in the early evening. Konnor fell asleep in the car, so putting him to bed was very simple. It was nice to drive in the car and be able to talk without answering 1000 questions about everything and anything imaginable. Yet, it felt odd know that the back seat was not as full on the way home as it was on the way there. It is always odd to me, to leave Korbin any place. I like my kids, I enjoy spending time with them and getting to know who they are and when I leave them some place it is like leaving a peace of me behind too. But the conversation with my husband was nice, I love reconnecting with him over something other than finding baseball pants or daiper cream.
After putting Konnor is bed, we came into the living room where Rod jumped on the computer and I sat down to do my devotions. The house was quiet, and it reminded me of how things were when Korb first started kindergarten last fall. I did my devotions, and enjoyed this week's topical study on self-control in the book of Proverbs. As I finished the devotional, I began looking through my bible searching for something.... then I stumpled upon Gensis 50:19-21.
Joseph in the previous verses had just learned his father had died and his brothers, whom had sold him into slavery and told thier father that Joseph had died, was convinced that the only reason Joseph had not repaid them for what they had done to him was because of thier father. So, when thier dad died, they were scared. In Gensis 50: 19-21 Joesph says "Do not be afraid. For am I in the place of God?( meaning: am I God? Should I judge you for your wrong doings?) But as you meant evil against me, God meant it for good.... therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones".
I was so encouraged by this verse that the Lord had shown me!!!!!!!!!!!! It was not by accident that particular verse said " I will provide for you and your little ones". God was meeting my fears head-on, and it brought to me a complete peace to hear from Him. I knew at that moment, as the devil tried to distract me with fear over the fact that we do not have any money coming into our home, God was talking to me through His written word!
Tuesday afternoon, Rod went to apply at a local hardware store for a part-time position that we advertising for and head over to a temp agency. The temp agency immediantly sent him over to a local super-center to apply for a loss prevention associate. What a blessing! We will not know until sometime later, if the super-center is interested in hiring Rod, but it was nice for him just to have the interview! It spoke to my heart that God was indeed working on our behalf!
While Rod was gone, I hade a few minutes to read and I ran across another verse that spoke volumes to me: In the book of Romans, the apostle Paul was writting a letter to a church in the city of Roman where he told them " Rejoice in hope.( be ) patient in tribulation and continue steadfast in prayer". It was almost as if the Lord was saying " See? I hear you, Kristy. I may or may not give Rod this job. But I showed you that I was listening. Rejoice in hope! Be patient in what is going on and continue praying. I am here, I am listening and your answer is on the way!"
My heart sang!
I have so often asked the Lord for big flashing lights to talk to me and tell me what was going on! But God does not work like that, but if we seek Him diligently( what my devotion was about the week prior), then He will hear us and give us the desires of our hearts if it lines up with His will for our lives. It speaks over and over again in the bible about the man being the leader of his home and providing for his family, so we know that it is in God's will for Rod to have a job.
I am looking forward to hearing from the Lord today, through His written word as I seek His answers for our current situation. Until the answer comes, I will keep trudging along... but I know that an answer is indeed coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Here is My Problems...Again.

2010-06-26T13:51:00.013-04:00

When I was little my mom use to sing a song, whose refrain said " It's me again Lord. I have a prayer that needs an answer..." I have been singing that song alot to Konnor at night recently in light of our current situation.
Many post ago, I made a short list of things I needed the Lord to handle, since me in my humanity could not achieve success without His almighty help. The Lord mercifully answered each item on that list with the exception of one:"Rod needs a job that is close to home with good pay and good benefits so that I can stay home with the kids and finish my degree."
Today, we got a letter in the mail stating that Rod's unemployment benefits had been terminated. Which means that we do not have any money coming into the house at all! After Rod finished reading the letter that we had been dreading for a while now, since the senator from KY tried to stop the UIA benefits extension from passing the first time, sickness filled my entire system and I immediantly became ill. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW???
This week and been extremely stressful on both Rod and I as I did something to hurt my back and laid on the couch in pain for more than hald of the week leaving Rod to handle the care of the house and the kids. To add to the stress of needing to go to the doctor and being unable too, it seemed as if person after person was calling with good news about something that we ourselves are in desperate need of.
I couldn't see or understand why God was allowing this to happen?! We have been narrowing escaping day by day for months and months now and there are people that have only endured a fraction of what we have and thier prayers are being answered right and left. I felt alone. Frightened. Sad. Confused.
I began to question myself and everything I thought I believed in, I was dizzy with pain and questions. The harder I prayed, the less clarity I felt I had. What was going on???
By Friday, nothing situationally had changed but refused to give in too the victim mentality. I was letting the Devil get into my head, and I needed to get him out and fast!
So, I began to reread alot of my private journal entries and past blog posts. I can see how much God has does for us, and how we have so close to devestation and He has never left us nor forsaked us! His timing is always on time.. just like the house and provisions for the baby and Korbin's school clothes.
I want to believe that Monday morning, the phone is gonna ring and it is gonna be someone with an amazing job offer. But the reality is that may not happen, and I have to prepared that God may have other plans for us. But no matter what, He has never let us down!!!
Sometimes, you have to look backward to see where God has brought you to see where He is gonna take you. He has brought us so far, I can only imagine where a great and mighty God is going to take us through this journey; nothing is to great for Father God!
A friend sent me a Facebook post today of a simple verse and gives me great hope that God truly has a plan in all of this, we just have to wait for Him to reveal it to us.
~Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" ~

Missed Blogging

2010-06-25T11:50:00.003-04:00

I have definately left somethings undone to do others, like take care of Konnor and take Korbin to school, soccer and t-ball. Blogging is one of those things. When I started this blog, so many warned me against it! People who do not necessarily know you are reading about your life and/or people who think that they know you are reading about your life. Both are making opinions about the writtings you posted some good and others not so good.
But when I look back over my postings, I reread my struggles with food, the journey through motherhood and being a wife. I enjoy reading what I was doing and knowing how far I have come. Somethings break my heart all over again, and some revive my desire to continue to be the best I can be. That is where I am right now.
I miss blogging, just like I miss working out and I miss the routine of life that I use to have. So, as life moves forward at a break neck speed, I am going to try and record more of my journey again. Instead of just my woe's, I will record more of my triumphs. I will be open and honest, yet thoughtful and respectful to the rights and privacy of others.
I have always loved journaling but the novelty of pen and paper escapes me these days, mainly because of the clutter and the dust that it keeps. Maybe that is why blogging appeals to me so, especially in the day in age of "mommy bloggers", it definately fit's me and my life style.
Will I return daily? I am not sure. Weekly, at this point is my goal. I want to revive my desire for life again, instead of this depressing slump I have been it. I put on a smile and go out trying not to let other see the pain that I carry inside. But, I am done hidding! I did not hide my battle with food, or my fears of not being good enough as a wife, mother, etc so I will not hide the depression that I have allowed let slip into my life over my husbands job-less-ness. I will share my pain and struggles and show myself and other how God has used all of this for not only my own good but His glory!!!

Ice Cofee Recipes

2010-06-24T19:27:00.009-04:00

I am hooked on Ice Coffee's!! So, I needed to find some recipes to make at home with the calorie count and fat grams to get my weight/protien back under control. I have been feeling pretty awful recently, and I think it is because I have been to lax on my food and vitamens. So this is what I have found ( although I have not tried them yet!):

Ice Coffee
Prep time: 15 minutes Serves: 4 (1-cup)
Details:Whipped topping turns this coffee milk into a satisfying, rich-tasting dessert. The cinnamon stick stirrer adds a light spiced flavor. You can also sprinkle some ground cinnamon on top, if you like.
Ingredients:
3 cups strongly brewed decaffeinated coffee,
chilled1 cup fat-free or 1% milk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 teaspoons granular sugar substitute
Ice cubes
1/2 cup fat-free or light whipped topping
Pinch ground cinnamon for garnish (optional)
4 cinnamon sticks for garnish (optional)
Directions:
In a pitcher, combine coffee, milk, vanilla, and sugar substitute; stir well. Fill 4 (10-ounce) glasses with ice. Pour coffee mixture over ice. Spoon 2 tablespoons of the whipped topping into each glass.Stir gently so that some topping mixes with coffee and some remains at the top of the glass. Garnish each with a pinch of ground cinnamon and a cinnamon stick, if using.
Nutritional Information:
50 calories0 g fat (0 g sat)
6 g carbohydrate
2 g protein
0 g fiber
45 mg sodium

-OR-

Brew your coffee double strength (decaf)Pour coffee into a glass full of ice cubes (16-20 ounce glass )Use 3- 4 packets of the orignal flavor creamers by coffee-mate Sugar Free Vanilla Syrup (measure to how sweet you want and use the flavor of your choice )Oh and the best thing is its 60 calories maxium

I will try them both out and let you know!!!!!!!!!!!

Finding my Blessings

2010-06-24T15:08:00.007-04:00

I am in a HUGE slump right now!! Rod has officially been out of work of 19 months now! We thought we seen a light at the end of the tunnel with a job in Iowa. But, just as the others, the job that Rod interviewed 2+ times for was given to someone else. To say I was disappointed was an understatement!! Then, to top things off, I hurt my back with pains shooting down both of my legs. I have no idea what caused this pain, I did not fall or do anything out of the ordinary. With no health insurance, a trip to the doctor is out of the question.

There are so many people telling me not to give up, to hang in there. However, I am not sure I can. The necessities that others take for granted, we have to scrap together for. Food, Clothing, the Money to pay Rent. I am tired, no wait exhausted, and over burdened. There is no relief in sight and all that I thought I stood on, I am starting to question.

I will NEVER turn my back on God. I know to much and my love, for a savior who gave His life for me that I may not spend enternity in a sinner's Hell, is a grande love. I have seen Him through out this situation over and over again. I do not question His ability or Sovernity. However, I question me?! Am I in the center of His will? What have I done to deserve all of this? Is there something that He want me/us to do that we are just not seeing/doing? The question list is endless.

I am depressed and overwhelmed. I am trying to find the good in all of this bad! So, as I look around I am trying to count my blessings as I tie another knot and hang on. Here are a few of the blessing I look at daily to help me see that no matter what: God is Good!!

The burdens of life

2010-04-22T23:28:00.003-04:00

I am sooo stressed that the weight of several burdens at once feel as if I am carrying steal upon my shoulders!! It is 11:30 at night and typically I am in bed at 10pm, and there is no end in sight to the thoughts whirling through my head. I feel as if I am in a vortex, things whirling around me at a break neck speed with no escape. Sadly, I have no idea how I arrived in the mixed-up madness that seems to surround me at every angle.
As I sit back and try to "count my blessings" and exhale, I can not seem to get past the obvious before the worries and fears begin to creep back in. As it stands, I can not seem to catch my breathe!!
My amazing husband has been out of work for more than a year and a half now. Several weeks ago, he went for a series of interviews beating out over 500 candidates! Just as we thought a job was on the horizon, our hopes were dashed yet again as they offered the position to the "other guy" in my husband very last interview. As we sit back and try to glean wisdom from what God allowed to happen yet again, it is only human to feel defeated.
There is an on going saga with my little sister and her two daughters, that simply breaks my heart. I want to have all the answers for them, to take away their pain and support them in every way possible.However, it seems that I am unable to keep my own head above water rendering me helpless in her current situation. I wonder why God is allowing this? What good can come from such heart ache? However, I know that He allows things to bring us into a right relationship with him and all things work together for good for those that love him and are called according to His purpose. Yet, it does not make these trails any easier to bare as we look for tangible answers but do not receive them.
When my mom died 11 years ago, my mamaw stepped right in to help me get through those moments that I needed my own mom but did not have her available. After the birth of my first son, I remember crying and asking my mamaw why I still needed mom so much even at 26. Putting her own pain aside, she wiped my tears and allowed me to lean on her in my own mom absence creating an amazing bond that words can not express. As I sit here, I am looking at the possibility, sooner than later, of being on earth without her and I am just unsure how to process this impending reality. I know the pain of loosing a parent,and a grandparent but I am unsure where to classify this type of relationship. Codependent? Special? Untitlable? Just not sure...
Better yet, I wonder why it is that I have to analyze and compartmentalize my life so much. I have never had the ability to just "handle things as they come" like my sister. I have to anticipate them, rationalize them and compartmentalize them to cope. However, in each experience with death I have had in the past, it has been pre- motherhood. How do I explain such unexplainable pain to my analytical son?
I literally and physically exhausted but I can not turn off my brain.
A dear friend is dealing with health issues with her son, that causes me to be more thankful every day for the things that I do not have to deal with, that what I do have to deal with. Her pain is my pain as I know the love a mother has for her child only wanting the best for him. I want to step in and somehow change what is happening to this amazing little boy who has somehow become my own son's "best friend". But sadly, I can not. I tell us both- that God is great physican and can heal whom he chooses but I am left at a loss at the posssiblity that what is happening is the will of the almighty for the greater good. It is hard to see the road for the bumps and potholes along the way. I want to believe and need to believe that soon there will be a smooth ride, at least long enough for us to heal and breathe again.
The straw that broke my back tonight is getting the word that someone who has unknowingly affected my life has been sticken with cancer. She is a mother of four, with her youngest being a year and several months older that my baby. Still a baby himself, forming memories and just beginning his life. This beginning is that of his mother fighting for her life so that she can see his life,and the life of her other babies, as they grow-up. Yes, I said babies because even as they grow somehow those children, teen-agers and adults still always manage to be your "babies" becuase of the place they hold in your heart. My heart aches in an amazing way for this mom of four as I pray and ask God to be merciful to her and that family. It is going to be a hard road, one I am praying that I never have to journey on myself. A road that I will journey down in prayer for this person and trusting in God's amazing abilites to touch her and health her and help her to handle all that this means. As I pray for her as a woman, a mother and a wife. I will pray for her kids- that God will shield them for the pain of this disease and allow them only to feel and remember things that will give them positive purpose for His will in thier lives. I will pray for he husband- the man she wants to spend her life with and grow old with. That God will grant that wish for the both of them. I will pray for those around her to uplift her on a daily basis and to help her to see that for some reason, God will be glorfied through this madness!!
It is after midnight now, and I wish I had more clarity. Alas, I do not. I do know this: No matter what God is Good. Circumstances are not. Life is not. Things can turn out exactly in the opposite direction as you thought they would...but if I went through all of this without God and the prospect of heaven. I would certainly go crazy instead of just wondering if I am going crazy!

Getting Back on the Wagon

2010-02-07T21:06:00.003-05:00

So it was no secret that when I got pregnant with Konnor I began a DWIT (do what ever it takes) diet to help him get the nutrition he needed. Where in I developed a certain affection for chicken nuggets...hmmmm, protien indeed!! However, the calories and fat grams where completely off the charts and this aided in my necessary weight gain.
Now that reality has set back in, I need to settle back into my high protien, low/no sugar, low fat/low carbohydrate life style that has aided me to loose all of this weight. To admit that I am scared is a mere understatement! What if I can not reclaim my eatting? What if I can not achieve my goal weight? What if.. What if.. What if????? I am plagued with what if's about my currently eatting situation and I feal as if the world is watching me to see if I can indeed do what I set out to do by meeting my goal weight of 179 pounds.
As I sat there at my sister's this evening, of course eatting her famous chip dip, I asked what would be the harm in maintain my currently 203 pound status instead of trimming the fat and continueing down my weight loss journey?After all, everyone says I look great and I feal pretty great so what would be the harm in staying where I am???
Her answer: Nothing! There would be no harm in staying where I am, it is a heck of alot less that 379 pounds! To hear her say what I have been thinking gave me a sense of relief. It also gave me a sense of purpose: I do not have loose any more weight since my weight is no long my identity. It is a number on a scale but does not define me. I am now free to be me: Kristy; Mommy, Wife of one husband, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, saved by grace and so much more but no longer my weight!! I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off of me!!
Yet, I felt challenged. I set a goal for myself and why shouldn't I achieve it?? I have never achieved a goal I have set for myself, and don't I deserve to achieve my dreams??? I never completed college or ran a marathon or become a photographer,or a published author or traveled around Europe, all dreams I had hope to bring into existence. In the same vain of comparisson, I have accomplished things that I did not know I wanted- to get married, to serve my mate with thoughtfulness and compassion, to have children and to stay at home with them, serve my Lord and Savior with passion and humility, to care of our aging population, and to become healthy.
So, I have choosen to finish what I have started for once and loose that last 24 pounds. After all, I have already lost 177 pounds, shouldn't I be able to loose a mere 24???? The answer is yes!! I have all the tools and knowledge and have already started down the path, not I just have to continue down the road. As today is Sunday, the day in which every new week begins for all bible based christains, I look to Monday as the beginning of the "work" week. What will I work on this week???
I will work on getting in at least 64oz's of water everday. I will take my vitamens and supplements everyday. I will eat my meals without drinking and will not drink for 15 minutes after eatting. I also will eat my protien first and will eat two bites of protien to evey one bite of complex carbohydrates on my plate. I will track my food in a journal and figure out how many calories/fat grams/ carbohydrates I am eatting and work on getting those in check for the following week. I will make it a commitment to get to the gym at least two times this week. Those are the things I would like to work on this week. These are all things I can control, and know that if I am to meet my big goal I must first start by meeting little ones.

I am not Carnie Wilson!!!!

2010-02-06T11:53:00.003-05:00

This morning I had a hand full of dorittos for breakfast, and I felt completely justified in reaching into the red bag of carbohydrates because it was the third night this week that I was up throughout the night with both boys for one reason or another. I am completely wiped out both physically and emotionally.
There is so much going on in my life right now, and it seems almost impossible to stop myself from "worrying" over everything!! If I am awake I am thinking and if I am asleep, I am dreaming about what I should be thinking about if I were awake. It is a horrorible circle of anxiety that I do not seem to be able to shake, which is totally effecting my weight loss.
To back the train up a little, I had Konnor is October and with in a few weeks most of my "baby weight" was gone, give or take 10 pounds or so. Then, on December 11 I went to the ER because I was experiencing some pain in the upper right quaderant of my stomach, and stayed there for 6 days as they removed my gallbladder. It was an open procedure, and because of my gastric bypass, I left the hospital with a T-Tube and a JP drain, and thirty two staples and various holes and cuts in my stomach.
Earlier this week, I sat in my living room recently discharged from my activity restriction watching Dr. Oz. I love Dr. Oz! He is a no nonsense kinda Dr and he typically puts his heart where is mouth is and speaks from there.His guest this day was Carnie Wilson.
Encase you are not familiar with Carnie, she was a member of the group Wilson Phillips in the 80's and her dad is Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. She, like me, has been battling her weight since early childhood. In 1999, she broadcasted her gastric bypass over the internet and lost alot of weight. Her very public battle with weight has been a source of strength and comfort for me as I also battled obesity. Since becoming an active member in my own life again, I stopped keeping track of Carnie.
To say I was shocked to see her again was an understatement!! I was completely unprepared to see that she has gained back alot of her weight and was know asking Dr. Oz for his help to get off the up and down rollercoaster her weight had been on. I watched the show in a stunned silence, and mulled over the shows contense for the rest of the day. It is very rare that I am moved by a daily talk show, but this particular day I could not get the recent picture of Carnie Wilson out of my mind verses the memory of the black and white photo I took standing in our apartment in the early morning hours before my own gastric bypass.
Today, I weigh 203 pounds. Which is exacly nine pounds heavier than my prepregnancy weight. For a normal person, a nine pound weight gain after pregnancy would probably be cause for celebration. However, for someone who had has a life long weight battle, nine pounds is only a few pounds away from that person I never want to become again!!!
It took me several days to come to terms with the realization that I am not Carnie. Although we share many common food issues, I simply will not allow myself to go back there!!! Ever!!!! Over the next days and weeks, I will get back to my protien shakes, tracking my calories/fat grams and exerising. I will tack my progress and I will succeed!!!!!!!

Konnor Ryman has arrived!!!

2010-02-05T14:22:00.010-05:00

This is me as I changed from my beautiful powder blue baby foot print maternity shirt and way too tight pregnancy jeans into this wonderful hospital gown. The photo was taken moments before I was whisked away into the surgery room to meet our beautiful little bundle of joy. If I look huge in this picture, it was because I was huge!! I gained 45 pounds during this pregnancy, which made Dr. F elated but me not so much! Sigh, I made it my mission to gain enough weight to have a healthy baby and as I walked into the surgical room I was prepared for the birth of a small baby due to my gastric bypass.

Konnor Rymon was born Tuesday, October 6th at 8:42 am and weighed 7lbs 4oz's and 19 1/4 inches long. I held my breath as I heard him cry for the first time and waited until they announced his weight... 7 pounds?! Did they say 7 pounds 4 ounces??? That was just one ounce smaller than his brother!! He was not a small baby after all!!! I felt relieved, my weight gain was not for nothing!! Tears filled my face, as I breathed a sigh of huge relief.. I guess I did not realize how scared I was.. I made the decision to have weight loss surgery to save my life so that I could be a mother to Korbin. However, I had never anticipated that those same decisions would effect the life of dream I had prayed for so long. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days, and came home Friday evening.

Life began swirling around me and I tried to breast feed for the first time, although Konnor was our second child, Korbin was completely bottle feed. I was exhausted but exhilarated, I contemplated giving up at least once a day. My breast were so sore and I was only getting an hour or two of sleep at a time, not to mention the stress I was under since Konnor was rapidly loosing weight. We took him to the doctor every week for six weeks to have his weight checked, every time to be the potential time that they would hospitalize him for failure to thrive.

This is Konnor at three months old, approximently 12 1/2 pounds. When Konnor was 2 months old, I was hospitalized for 6 days to have my gallbladder removed. During which time, I had to stop breast feeding and Konnors weight began to sky rocket with the formula!! He is a wonderful baby, always happy and generally smiling!!

God has truly blessed me beyond measure and I am so thankful to be a mommy again. To date, I have lost all but 9 pounds of my "baby weight" and look forward to continuing my weight loss journey! It won't be easy, but I know that if I can loose 177 pounds and I loose that last little bit to get to my goal weight. Weight loss surgery for me was not a quick fix but the answer to a life long battle, which did not end on the day of surgery but merely just began.

We have a date!!!!

2009-08-24T18:48:00.004-04:00

At 33 1/2 weeks we were given a date today for our repeat c-section: Tuesday, October 6th @ 8am. The moment was kind of surreal as I sat by while Denise; the ob/gyn nurse called the scheduling department at the hospital.

When I was pregnant with Korbin, the time in which he was to enter the world was completely out of our hands and we waited eagerly for my contractions to start or my water to break so we could head to the hospital. However, the time for our newest little blessing to enter the world is now a date on the calender. We wait, again, with eager anticipation although this time it feels alot different.As if we are waiting for Christmas to arrive, we will watch the calender days slip by, happily waiting for one of the two best presents we will ever receive.

Korbin's birth was filled with drama and anxiety, much like the pregnancy I had with him. This pregnancy, although dramatic at times, as been pretty text book and uneventful. Which is what I am praying his birth will be like, so even from the very moment of "Boomer's" arrival we can celebrate and bond together as a new family of four.

I am excited, nervous and overwhelmed! It seems as if we have been waiting for this forever, and now the days are rapidly approaching!! I stand in the door way of what will be "Boomer's" room and try to imagine me rocking him, or looking at him through the slot's in his crib. Yet, all I can see through my minds eye is those moment's that I experienced with Korbin.

For three long years, I prayed for this child and begged God to give us another child to share our lives with. Having Korbin was the scariest yet most amazing experience I had ever willingly participated in. I knew from the first single second I found out the he existed, that I loved him. That loved consumed my very being the moment I looked from his dark blue eyes after 72 hours of the worst pain I had ever felt to my husbands handsome face. For the second time in my life, I fell in love.

My love for this amazing gift began as I fell to my knee's on the bathroom floor as I looked into the toilet seeing it's red contense stare back at me knowing that the tests confirm that I was indeed almost 10 weeks pregnant. I prayed and cried and begged, again, God to spare his or her life. That I loved this child and wanted him or her unconditionally. God tested my resolve as I layed on the couch for weeks, painfully aware that there was nothing I could do other than to wait upon Him; the giver and taker of life.

As each day past, and with each visit I heard a heart beat or seen the tiny spine that God knitted together inside my womb on the video screen, I stopped holding my breath and started rejoicing. I was actually going to have another baby!!!!!!!!!!! My fear turned into joy, incredible joy, and my tears turned into laughter with the anticipation of giving my baby a baby brother or sister to grow up with. Although, I had convinced myself that "our" baby was a girl, I knew somewhere deep inside that we were having a boy and realized that as the ultrasound tech announced her proud findings. Then again, I knew I loved him.

Now, as his parents, Rod and I face great uncertainty of not know when Rod will have a job or how we will provide the very basic necessities so many other new or second time parents take for granted. It is very scary, and I find myself often facing my fear head on. Yet, I know somewhere deep inside that things will be ok, as I look around this room anticipating the love and amazement that I felt with Korbin re manifesting it's self within my soul telling me once again, I love this little person whom I have never met more than I could ever articulate.

We have a date to see who our new little miracle looks like, and what his personality will be, and to experience the joys of parenthood all over again! We have a date.... I can hardly wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Shower

2009-08-23T18:28:00.002-04:00

Saturday, August 15th was our baby shower given by my sister, Rhonda and my friend Karen,and her mom Brenda. My Mamaw Collins, my friend Serena, mother in law and sister in law helped with the food. It was a beautiful shower and it was something I would have given myself. Gone are the thoughts. "Wow! I wish I had a beautiful shower like...." because now I have had one and I am sooo thankful!! Through my close friends and church family, God met alot of our needs for our new little blessing! I can cross off one item on my God here is my problems list.

As I sat down to write this article, I thought about cataloging all of the drama that surrounded having a second shower despite my boys are five years apart in age or that my husband has been off work for 9+ months now. Or how people selfishly hurt my fealings because they felt the need to make a point at a time in my life where I am already overwhelmed and stressed. However, when I thought about where to begin, I thought I would begin at the ending which is the most important part- God provided!

When I propped up my swollen ankles and grabbed my checklist of needs, I crossed off all that I had listed except for 6-8 things!!! For the second time that day, I wiped away the tears that fell from my face and thanked the Lord for His goodness for using the people that DID show up and DID support me.

I wish I could tell you that the hurt I felt from the others just magically disappeared, however, it did not. But what did happen was that I was filled with an amazing pity for such selfish people! I was overwhelmed by God's grace and love for even them, and if He could forgive more than what I knew about them how could I not? Have I forgotten? No! The devil see's it fit to remind me daily and I must make a decision daily to forgive them yet again. Through this forgiveness, I am shown God's grace over and over again!!!!

It was an amazing shower, I missed several of my friends that could not be there to celebrate with me because of a multitude of honest reasons. Yet, I rejoiced with each person who walked through the door and filled my day with love and support in a time I truly needed them most.

As I look through the items, I give thanks for each thing and say a silent prayer for each giver and pray that the Lord will bless them double for those who gave sincerely from their heart. I now have bottles, diapers and many other necessities that I was fearful that I would not have for this little miracle that I had for Korbin.

I now look to his birth with more anticipation instead of fear, that he will not pay a price for what our circumstances are at this time. No, the timing of his arrival is not perfect and no child's is. No one ever is completely ready or has enough money or enough space or has checked off this or that from their bucket list. However, Rod, Korbin and myself are thankful everyday for "our" baby and can not wait for this little guy to turn our whole world on it's ear as any baby inevitably does. 7 weeks to go and I can not wait...

Problem here is my God!!!

2009-07-30T17:39:00.006-04:00

A friends facebook status struck me in a unique way, " Instead of saying 'God here is my problem' say "Problem here is my God'!".
So as I sat down to do my devotion, I found my self making a list of my current problems:
1.) Rod needs a job that is close to home with good pay and good benefits so that I can stay home with the kids and finish my degree.
2.) The money to pay our current bills ie, the car payment, the DTE bill, the cable bill and the rent.
3.) The money to buy Korbin clothes and shoes to start school in and necessary school supplies
4.) The money to purchase the necessities for the baby along with diapers and formula(if necessary).
Of course, as I look over this short list, I realize that this is not all of my current problems but these are the most pressing ones and top on the priority list.
Rod & I have praying over these problems for the last 8 months since he has been laid off from work. As I look as the list again, I realize that these problems are nothing new to God, we have talked with Him about these before. However, the urgency we have now is different than it was say 3 months ago.
Our baby is due in 10 short weeks, and there are things that we desperately need for him, that we simply can not afford on the money unemployment is providing. We are thankful for the unemployment, however, we are already working on a deficient that reviles the national debt much less purchasing bottles, a highchair, bedding, etc, etc.
As well as Korbin is starting school in 5 weeks. We were blessed that that last I purchased clothes that were a little big on Korb, so that this summer they would fit. So, we did not have to buy any clothes to outfit him for the summer, however, this fall we do not have the same option. His shoes are to small, his underware are getting too tight and his white undershirts look like something guys would have worn in the "Let's get Physical" music video in the 1980's.And the list of clothing and school supply list seems overwhelming. Yet, when I think of all of this all I can do is choke back the tears and emotions as I relive the years and years of hearing my mom say that my list of needs would have to wait because we simply did not have the money. A phrase I was praying not to have to use abundantly with my kids. Plus, I had a grand vision of the first time Korbin had to go school shopping the three of us would make a day of it and create a fun memory of getting our first child ready to go to school.
My stomach tightens as I fight off the physical manifestation of the stress, I glance back at the list. Faith and trust are easy when you are in mountain top scenario's when life is going great but it is a daily battle when your in the battle of your life. It is moments like these I wonder if God views my faith as weak or strong? As of late, I feal very weak; physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I simply can not fight this fight alone! Silently, I say to myself "Problem here is MY God, and Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"
I am not sure when our answers are coming, and some days I am not sure if the answers are coming at all, but I know that God has a plan. There have been times that I can look back over this journey as see exactly what His plan was, but these days I am looking though mud covered glasses and need clarity.
Some how in some way, I know that things are going to work out. They have too!! In God's word is says that He has come to give us life, and Give it more abundantly... it is a promise that I hold on to tightly. That is trial will not last forever no matter how long it seems, again I say to myself "Problem here is my God" and do my best to turn the entire problem over to Him. Even though I recognize that my attempts are weak and feeble at best.
Then, as if I am in a movie where the ending is always happy, a song fills my soul and I can not help but hum along " I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus, I can not handle these burdens alone. I must Jesus, I must Jesus, Jesus can help me. Jesus alone." I wipe the tears off the page of my bible, and thank the Lord for His abundant grace and mercy: Problem HERE is MY God!

29 weeks

2009-07-21T18:29:00.003-04:00

It is hard to believe that I only have 11 weeks left!!!!!! In the beginning, it seemed as if it took forever to get to the twelve week mark. Then after that, it seemed to have taken off and the weeks have flown by.
On Friday, I went for my monthly visit with Dr. F and had my glucose intolerance test. I was super worried about this test, both the results and the side effects from drinking 50mg of pure sugar.
As for the side effects, there were plenty, complete with dizziness and nausea. After an hour and a half visit I still felt as if I had been on a drinking benge, which the dr. said he had never heard of getting that type of response before!
I gained four pounds this visit for a total of twelve and my measurements were spot on this time instead of small. The baby's heart rate was 140's and my bp was 100 over 60.
This was my last "normal" visit and starting in two weeks, I begin twice a week visits for NST's (non stress tests). I could choose between Monday's and Thursday's or Tuesday's and Friday's. I choose the first rotation, and will have those dates for the rest of the pregnancy. Immediantly after the NST's, I will see the Dr.
Rod, Dr. F and myself chatted for a few minutes how normal this pregnancy has been in comparison to my last. It is amazing how much 200 pounds has made in my( and this baby's) life.
Stephanie from Dr. F's office called this afternoon to give me the results from Friday's test's: the blood test needed to come back 140 or under, and mine registered at 110!!! I told the lady, that if I wasn't pregnant I would do cartwheels I was so excited!!! That means no inslin!!! My hemoglobid was a bit low, so I need to make sure I am eatting iron rich foods and taking my iron supplement.
At this gestation, the baby should weigh 2 1/2 pounds and be 15 inches long. His muscles and lungs are continueing to mature and his head is getting bigger to make room for his growing brain. I have been completely exhausted, which I had contributed to the move, however it is because the baby is using up any of the iron my body needs to function. In addition to my prenatal, I need to maintain my protien levels, vitamen C,calcuim, folic acid and iron.
Over the course of the next month, I should plan to gain five to seven pounds which would bring my total weight gain to 17-19 and then five to seven more over the rest of the pregnancy which bring my total pregancy weight gain for 23-25, which is what Dr. F was hoping for. Me? I think I would be ok with a 18-20 toal weight gain, but whatever yields us a healthy baby. It is unique being in the position of not being able to see my toes again, but alas, being pregnant is not forever and neither will this weight gain. I have the tools and the knowledge now that I did not before and I will never see 300 lbs again!!!!!!!!

Gifts from Heaven?!

2009-07-06T17:28:00.004-04:00

Rod & I sat in our apartment where we have lived for 2 1/2 years contemplating the next leg of our adventure. We have been praying freverntly for God's wisdom and provision for a new job as well as a new place to live before our lease is up here.
At 12:30 or so, there was a knock on the door with the door knocker and a folded up piece of paper placed on the door. It is never good news when the apartment complex chooses to communicate in this manor, but never the less, it was official start to the day.
In the next moments to follow, as we attempt to discuss our new information, there comes a large crash from the outside!! Korbin runs to the window and throws open the blinds and says"There are boxes all over the front lawn". I opened the door & looked to see if I could find out who or for what reason they left these boxes in front of our door. As I returned inside, I joked with Rod and said "Look Honey, it is a sign from God that we are suppose to move becuase there were boxed raining down from Heaven." It was a funny statement but very true.
Over the course of the next hour or so, we began to pack the kitchen as the tension began to mount. It was clear that we were to move but the question of where was causing mounting pressure in the small 8x8 kitchen.When the phone rang, I prayed for good news, sadly it was not. The 3 bedroom apartment we had taken a look at last week was calling to tell us that they had availablity but the security deposit was been twice the the monthly rent!!
As I got off the phone, I haphazardly said "Ok Lord, we know that we are suppose to move but can you show us where?" as I discouragedly began to stack the packed boxes. Within a half hour of the door closing phone call another phone call came in, with a surprising answer to our prayer.
A phone call we had placed more than a month ago, was finally being returned, with the availablity of a 3 bedroom house to rent!!!
Laughter gave a way to happy tears, as Rod and I prayed thanking our Lord for perfect timing and answered prayer on the day that the boxes rained down from heaven!!

The American Dream

2009-07-02T17:25:00.004-04:00

It seems as if the america dream when I got out of high school was simple: Go to college and graduate, get a job, meet an amazing man, get married and travel for a couple of years, buy a house, have a couple of kids and live happily ever after.
No where in there was my mom dying and reeking havoc on my entire adult life. Gaining 150+pounds, having diabetes, and my husband being laid off 3 times in our married lives of six years.
Now it seems my entire "american dream" as I knew it has been turned on its head, with the exception meeting and marrying an amazing man. With whom I have weathered these storms of truimph and tragedy with.
I thought as a child/teenager if I could just manage the catosphy that was my life, then I could make my own decisions thus being happier. Yet, as life would have it just as I became comfortable in my own skin on the campus of EMU at 21 that same life would be turned upside down with a single 2am phone call. As mothers day ended and my nightmare began in 1999, I sobbed on the phone to my best friend that my mom has had a heartattack and 'passed on' as the result.Two days later, at her funeral luncheon, this is not the way I thought my adult life should began.
One year later, I left EMU because I could not handle the stress of working full time, dealing my own emotions of mom's death and my family's issues, along with going to school. I got my first apartment close to my sister, and together we grieved the loss of our mother. In the two years following, I met the man who would be my husband and together I thought I would finally have some sort of normallacy in this life.
We were engaged after 6 months, and planned to be married that next August. Our orginal plans to have an intimate wedding in Hawii were dashed and instead we had a large family wedding complete with an even larger family headache close to our hometowns. This should have been our clue to not come back from our amazing honeymoon, yet with stars in our eyes and a 'our love an conquer anything' attitude we settled down in our one bedroom apartment and focused on what we thought was our american dream.
Over the next days and months we would experience a gamit of highs and lows from job issues to life threatening health problems. Which leaves me asking the question now: What is the American Dream anyways??

Packing! Packing! Packing!

2009-06-30T13:26:00.006-04:00

The packing has officially began, and I am so over it already!! Granted, it has been 2 1/2 years since we first moved into this apartment, I am still not looking forward to boxing up all of our things and moving them to another place.

When we signed our lease in Febraury, they exented us a 6 month lease before raising our rent to unmanagable amounts for a 2 bed room unit. As a result, we knew that in July we would be moving. Now July is before us and so is the daunting question of where are we moving?

It stands to reason that most people know where they are going prior to planning to go. However, we are trusting in the Lord that He will provide our needs. Which totally goes against my grain of planning everything to death, but none the less I am putting my faith into action and believing in God's promises.

I will not tell you how hard this is, but Gods word also says " Let patience have her perfect work" which means that through this trial God is working out His plan to exerise patience in our lives. Patience has not always been my strong suit, however, in the last days and months Rod and I have learned a great deal about ourselves and our marriage. Which is why God's word also says in James 1:2 " Count is all Joy when you fall into various trails" because these are things we may not have learned any other way. Both Rod & I are extremely thankful for the things God has shown us; however painful they may have been and how He has strengethen our marriage through these things. Rod truly is the love of my love and I love him more daily, job or not.

So, as I enter day# 3 of packing, I am physically and emotionally exhausted, but ironically optimistic. I know God has our answer, and we are looking forward to how He is going to supply our needs that we may rejoice and give Him all of the praise for what He has done in our lives!!

I need....

2009-06-29T15:55:00.003-04:00

Taco Dip!!!! I had it when I was helping a friend out and ever since then I go into craving overload and MUST have some!!! My first craving was so intense I literally called everyone I knew to find out who had a membership to Sam's Club where I could find this premade 5 layer dip that my taste buds were shouting for!!!

When I was pregnant with Korbin, I never had such an intense craving like this. I had a few things that I needed to have, but nothing that I NEEDED to have!

As far as my weighloss surgery diet, this is not the worse thing I could choose. The beans, cheese and light sour cream make it a decent sourse of protien. The fat grams are through the roof, but the chips which are required to eat such a dip are the down fall of the entire dish! I try to get the whole grain tortilla chips, which my budget and availablity allow. However, these days my enitre bypass diet is gone to the dogs!!

When Dr. F said to do what ever it took to gain weight, I was completely astonished and very determined to have a healthy baby. Just as looked at my meal times differantly after I had my weightloss surgery(wls), I looked at it differantly when I got pregnant. As each child is different, so it each pregnancy, I did not anticipate the severe sickness that over took my body in the first four months.

I have spent some time recently trying to figure out how to bounce back from this anything goes diet back to my strict, high protien diet that I need to be on to maintain my weightloss. To date, I have only gained 8 lbs, and look to gain gain 12 more. Which to my estimation, should be mostly baby, water and placenta. However, prior to being pregnant I was 197 which was 18 pounds away from my goal weight of 179 (which is 200lbs away from my highest weight).

Alas, I have 3 months away from delivery and 6-8 weeks after that to figure out exactly when/how I tackle the regain/loss that I need to work on. I had this surgery in order to be healthy for my family and I will make sure that I look up on this next leg of the race just as that- how to stay healthy.As for the taco dip? Praise the Lord, this pregnancy has been pretty typical and that is why I say " Give the Belly what is wants!"

25 weeks and counting

2009-06-24T17:00:00.003-04:00

At this gestation, the baby should measure 13 1/2 inches and weigh a pound and a half. Which is about the size of an average rutabaga( which Korbin looked at and said "whew, that thing has alot of hair on it", lol).

At 24 weeks, I had my monthly dr's appointment which ended my 2nd trimester and began my 3rd. I gained 8 pounds, and measure a week smaller than I actaully am. I BP is good, is hanging steady at 100/60 and the baby's heart rate is 150 beats per minute.

Dr. F was happy with my weight gain, although I was completely shocked with gaining that much in the course of one month!!

At my next appointment in July, I will be having my glucose intolerance test which is the mosting discusting thing that you have to drink in a matter of minutes, only for a wls patient to get sick and "dump" on because you chugged a pure liquid sugar cane. What fun?! So, my appointment is estimated to last an hour and half to two hours, which is why I am praying that my dad will be home to help out with Korbin!

Today, Korbin and I went swimming for the first time this summer. The 97 degree tempatures here in Detriot, brought a unique way to keep cool and keep Korbbie busy so with noodle in hand we headed to the pool. My little fish enjoyed himself immensley, as I tried my hand at swimming with a rutabaga under my ribs. As the water relieved some of my back pain, my balance was completely off and I found my face in the water more often than not.

Rod is still unemployed and I am still a stay at home mommy and wife of one and a half! These past days and weeks, through there trail and tribulation, have brought my wonderful husband and I closer together in ways many may not understand. God is amazing, and He has showed us so much about who we are and decisions we need to make in our lives to be close to Him and bond together as a family.

As hard as it may be to say, we are completely thankful for this trail and its high's and low's and how we are able to glorify Him through it all. Through all of our questioning " Where are you Lord" He is has been here all along as in the very beginning of this leg of our journey He gave us a baby as a sign to us, just as He gave Noah a rainbow, that things will be ok. Although I am not sure how or when yet, we trust in Him and Him alone, to provide our needs. God is Good!!!

Music and Misunderstanding

2009-06-13T11:26:00.004-04:00

Last week ( at 22 weeks) I began putting headphones on my tummy to let the baby listen a beethoven classical baby CD. Korbin loved this CD prior to being born, so it was naturaul for me to want to do it for this baby as well. It was an event to try and find head phones in this high- tech enviroment, so I began to focus on the task of finding these crazy headphones! Which to my surprise effected Korbin very dramtically.

One night during our family prayer time, Rod asked Korb what he wanted to pray for and his response broke my heart!! " I want to pray that mommy will love as much as she loves the baby!" I was devestated to hear that my little love would even consider the thought that I might not love him as much as our new little miracle. This was the beginning for tears that lasted for two long days as I tried to work through the confusion of how to explain to him that he is not going to be replaced in our family but I could share my love for him with another.

It never occured to me that I could not have enough love for two children. I yearned for this baby for so long, that I loved him the moment I knew he existed, just I did with Korbin. I have heard many say, that your love for your second or subsiquent children is different than the love you have for your first child. However, as much as I love Korbin, I love his brother as much but in a different fashion. Korbin was my first and I grew as a mommy as he grew from an infant into a toddler into this little boy right before my very eyes. This child, I have just as many hopes, dreams, and plans for as my first. However, I am a little older and a little wiser and more steady on my mommy legs than before. I am looking forward to my life with two little boys, and enjoying all those firsts with this little guy too.

As for Korbin, he is an amazing child with a keen sense of understanding and a sensitivity that boogles the mind for being a four year old. And over the following days, Rod and I have reasssured him that he is going to be an amazing big brother and no one will ever take his place in our home or lives, he will always be mommy's little angle bear. He smiles when I say this, and I smile to because I love being a mommy and I know that he is going to love being a big brother too!

21 weeks

2009-05-28T12:50:00.003-04:00

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted and there is alot to catch up on. In week # 19, on May 13th we went over to the hospital to have our ultrasound done. We were originally scheduled at the dr.'s office to have the ultrasound done on Monday, May 11th but they asked us to reschedule at the hospital because they have a higher grade machine. So we agreed and went home, slightly frustrated. Korbin was hugely disappointed, " Great, just great! Now what am I suppose to do with the rest of my day!!" was his response which lighted our mood abit. Leave it too our little comedian!!

At 8am, we headed to the hospital and had a 45 minute ultrasound which yielded us 20 or so pictures of the baby, and the announcement that we are having another little boy!!! Korbin was excited with this too, " Now we will have all menz in our house" he proudly told the ultrasound tech.We made our phone calls to our close family and friends, then headed to our local babies r us to finish our baby registry for the 50 or so things that we need for our little guy.

In week # 20, we had our regular monthly dr.'s appointment. Everything is going along well, with the exception that I have lost 2 pounds. This upsetted Rod greatly. As proud as he is of me for loosing almost 200 lbs, he is secretly looking forward to "feeding" me with things that I will not typically eat. With it being the dr's orders to do what I need to do to gain weight, Rod is doing is best to oblige this situation.

Dr. F addressed Rod's concerns openly and told us that the ultrasound said that the baby looked good, maybe a week behind in the dating but we already knew that because of an earlier ultrasound that said our date was a week earlier but since it was only a week the Dr. would not be changing our due date for anything less than 2 weeks. Also, he was only worried about the size of the baby not the size of the baby's mama, which I think eased Rod's worries alittle bit. My Bp was good 110/60 and the baby's heart rate is 140's. My blood work all came back good last time, he is not really two concerned with anything at this point. He just wants me to keep an eye on my blood sugar, which has been running a steady 98-100 for my fasting.

We also discussed a prospective c-section date. Either Wednesday Sept 30th or my due date, Wednesday Oct 7th. Rod of course is leaning towards the earlier and I am leaning towards the later. This is typical for us, lol.

Yesterday, we turned 21 weeks and our little guy has become very active as of late. Rod could actually stand across the room and see my stomach move. It was even more exciting for him, when he could put his hand on my stomach and feel the movement inside. It was something he very rarely, if at all, he got to feel with Korbin. At this point the baby should be the length of a carrot, and 3/4th of a pound. I have started to notice a pattern of his movement, and enjoy being connected with this wonder little being for these short few months.

Within the next week or so, I will be putting head phones on my stomach so he can listen to music in the evenings. I did this with Korbin and he loved it, so I am interested to see if this little guy loves it as much.

Our next dr. appointment is June 18 @ 24 weeks. Time is flying by to quickly. Korbin is enjoying know that he is gonna have a little brother and asks alot when we can get the baby out? Rod is equally excited to know now he is gonna be the father of two little boys, which mean twice as much sports! As for me, I am kinda relishing in the fact that I am still the queen of my castle to share only with my king and two little princes. I would love to have a princess to shop with, share secrets with and all of those other mother/daughter moments.

But if the Lord chooses to bless us with only sons, I will be just as happy as I assit my amazing husband raising our sons for the Lord and as I pray for their wives-to-be, I will pray that the Lord will help me to have good relationships with each of them and maybe I can share those moments with them instead?!

4 months

2009-04-23T19:20:00.003-04:00

Today was my 16 week check up with my ob/gyn, and it was the l o n g e s t dr.'s appointment I have ever had. Dr. F was called into the hospital last night at midnight and delivered 4 babies between that time and the time he arrived at the office today around 12:30pm!! So my 10:20 appointment ended up being a 1 o'clock appointment. Oh well?! Whatcha gonna do? When I have mine, it would be grand if the dr. was present so I guess I do not mind so much if he there for others. Which is what I was thinking hearing lady after lady grumble about the dr's delay.
However, once he got to the office he got down to business! I was in the room at 1 and out by 1:30!! My weight was good as I gained 4 pounds, and I now weigh 198.
It is really hard for me to see the scale creep back up, instead of stay steady or going down. It brings alot of feeling up that I would rather not deal with. However, I am willing to do what is necessary for the health of this baby so, I guess I need to realize that I will not be pregnant forever. My blood pressure was good 110/60 which is right on because during this phase the baby's heart is pumping 25 grams of blood through his or her little body a day, which causes mom's bp to be a little lower than normal.
The nurse found the baby's heart rate right away and it was off to the races with a face paced little chug that was clocked at 150 beats per minute. The dr. said everything looked fine,and asked me to bring my fasting and night time bloodsugars in for the next visit at the end of May. I had some blood work taken today, and Korbin was not really happy about it.He was very afraid for me and kept asking if I was hurt or ok. Then when the tech was done, he ran over and gave me a huge hug! It melted my heart to see how much he cares for me. Korbin has a very caring spirit!
The baby weighs about 3 1/2 ounces and measures about 4 1/2 inches in length, about the size of an avocado. During the next weeks, he or she will go through a growth spurt nearly doubling her or her weight. At 18 weeks, I have an ultrasound scheduled to find out the sex of the baby. Rod & I are super excited to find out, and Korbin is over the top. He simply can not wait to know if he is having a boy baby or a girl baby. Because " that says if it gets a pink or a blue baseball hat". Everything equates to baseball when you are 4, lol.
Last week, I started feeling the baby move. It is random at best but it is a great feeling and I enjoy everytime it happens. I can not wait for Rod and Korbin to be able to feel the baby move too. This is such a special time for us, and I am trying to relish every moment!! It is going by way to quick!!

My Rant!

2009-04-21T15:33:00.003-04:00

This week-end was beautiful- 60ish on Friday and 73 on Saturday. So, we packed a few sandwiches and headed to the park ( with the rest of the city, apparently!). It was fun eating outside and I loved the fresh air, while it lasted.
After eating, Korbin took off running toward the play scape and began running, climbing and sliding until his little heart was content. Rod and I took our blanket to sit just at the edge of the play scape to watch Korbin while he played. It was a good time, until the air became clouded with the stale smell of smoke that took my breath away. I was content to wait out the horrid smell and it's owner, with out much complaining. I gave this gentlemen the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe he was an uncle of family friend that did not realize the impact he was having on the fifty something children there with his second hand smoke since he did not have kids himself. However, over the course of thirty minutes where he stood chain smoking by a tree throwing his remains on the same ground I was sitting on, I realized the three different little ones were calling this man Daddy!!
As a child, I had parent that was a three plus pack a day smoker. I know the effects of second hand smoke, and how it makes you feel and smell. My mom began smoking as a young teenager and smoked until the day she died at 43. As a result, I vowed to myself never, ever to begin smoking and it was one of the few promised I kept to myself.
Now as a parent, I am completely irritated at other parents who knowingly put their children's health in danger all because the can not walk away from the addiction. Today, we know more than we did 30+ years ago when my mom had kids, so there is the chance that my mom did not know the effects that we was leaving her children. Since my mom is not here to ask, I choose to believe that if she had, she would not have continued to smoke. Which is the question I have for this particular father, do you not love your kids enough to put down the smokes and walk away? What have they done to deserve be subjected to this day knowing danger each and everyday? More so, where do you get the money to support such an expensive habit?
I remember being 10 or 11 years old and writing my mom a letter asking her to please quit smoking. If she did, we could afford so many other things. Things that my friends were taking for granted: new clothes, money for groceries, or family vacations. But this particular letter was because I desperately wanted a new bedspread, one that did not have burn marks in it and smelled good. I did the math for my mom, how much she spent in a week, a month, and a year. Even then, I remember the number being astounding. I simply can not imagine what it would be today. As much as I remember writing the letter, I remember my mom's response. She cried. She told me the her cigarettes were the only thing that she got out of life and she would continue to smoke for as long as she wanted to and it was not up to me or anyone else to tell her to quit.
The reason I remember the scene so vividly is because I remember exactly how it made me feel; inadequate. That I was second best to an object, as a result I began a deep seeded hate for smoking and spoke of it often.
Through that particular moment that will live in my memory for ever, I realized one thing: She was right. It is not up to me or anyone else to tell anyone to quit smoking. The pure definition of parent is sacrifice, and nothing about sacrifice is easy or simple. As any adult person does what it required for one to become a parent, they are here by waiving their right to selfishness in the moment they conceive a child. Which also means putting aside what you want for the sake of your child's health and well being. Period.
And as I sat at the park, I remember thinking that is it not up to me or anyone else to tell another grown adult to quit smoking. They should just have the pure common sense to do so- if it was the drunk driver behind the wheel of a car coming straight for your child, you would call for justice. As a parent, I am seeking for a way to avoid the train wreck that smokers bring to our play grounds, restaurants and lives: if you are not willing to save your own child(ren) at least have the common sense to leave the cigarettes at home and not infect my child with your stupidity.

Sweet Treat

2009-04-11T16:17:00.013-04:00

Since my son has a peanut allergy, we usually try to make something fun for him to take to church that we know for certain does not have any peanuts/ cross contanimation. Last year we made some bunny cookies, and this year we decided to make Rice Krispie Eggs! These we easy to make and clean up. You follow the basic Rice Krispie recipe:

3 Tablespoons Butter

1 Pkg(10 oz) regular marsh mellows or 4 cups of mini's

6 cups Rice Krispies

And these directions:

In a large sauce pan melt butter over low hear and stir in marsh mellows stirring until completely melted.

Remove from heat, and still in Rice Krispies until well coated. Using a 1/3 measuring cup coated with cooking spray divide into portions and shape like eggs with well buttered hands.

Cool and decorate with candies and chocolate

Enjoy your sweet treats! Happy Easter!!

14 weeks and counting

2009-04-07T16:56:00.002-04:00

Last week, I finally had a good eatting week but this week that is not proving to be the case!! By my next ob appointment(which is in 2 weeks), I should have gained 4 pounds but as of right now I toggle back and forth between a one pound(195) gain and nothing(194). This boggles my mind, since I have put the weight gaining business at the very front of my to-do list.
Upon doing some very serious research on how to gain weight for pregnancy, I have discovered one way dr.'s and nutritionist across america are suggesting is a milk shake!! After reading this for the fourth time on the sixth different website, I thought to myself I can do this!! However, I think I skipped the paragraph explaining the the fast food place are missing alot of the calcuim and extra protien that comes from what a homemade shake that can offer pregnant women. So after a severe bout of dumping from an overly sweet milkshake from our local golden arches, I decided to take matters into my own hands-literally!
Rod's next trip out, was to the super market for some vanilla ice cream, skim milk and strawberries. 4 oz's of ice cream, 4 oz's more or less skim milk and 3 large strawberries,and 30 seconds in the blender I had a wonderful shake that gave me extra calcuim, protien and vitamin C that I thought for sure would yeild me a few extra pounds.
Let me stop here, and say that I have spent the last 20 years of my life ( yes! for those of you who did the math 10 was the correct age) I have been dietting and trying to loose weight. Now, suddenly instead of spending every waking minute worried about how I am gonna loose X number of pounds, now I am trying to gain it?! It really does something to your mental image, and gives you a dissorted view of what/who you are. It is a day to day struggle, to eat more and not count the calories and protein grams that I have spent the last year tracking in order to be a success with my wls.
One of the many reasons I had wls surgery to begin with was to have a second or third child. So, now that I am in the middle of this pregnancy, I am willing to do what it takes to see it through and have a healthy baby.
At 14 weeks, the baby is 3 1/2 inches long and weighs 1 1/2 oz's which is about the size of a lemon. All his or her major organs have developed and at this point, he or she is moving alot and I may or may not be able to feel it any time soon. My belly has started to take on a rounder shape, and it is getting harder to do some of the things that I had learned to take for granted after they become normal again. In alot of ways, I feel alot like I am an MO person again, that is sometimes a hard feeling to deal with.
I am still extremely tired, but I am content to deal with these side effects for the out come. I can not wait to meet our new little boy or girl.
I was actually at an office this week and they asked my household side and I said 3, and the lady looked back at the screen confused. Then she asked again, and I gave her the same answer, finally she asked "Um... are you counting the baby that your carrying?".
That was just another moment that I realized that our life is changing and I am finally gonna actually have another baby, not just dream of it!!

12 week check up

2009-03-26T14:15:00.002-04:00

Went to see Dr. F this morning at 10 am, I like his office. They are relatively prompt, and we were in and out by 11:15am.
My BP was good, 100 over 70, as well as my weight. I did not gain any weight my first trimester and by week 20( which is 8 weeks away) I should have gain 5-8 pounds.
He thinks that the reason for my extremely exhaustion is because of lack of food in tack, not low iron or B-12, my labs were fine in Feb. and he will redraw them next month and do a fasting glucose test. He wants to stay on top of my Blood Sugar numbers from the get go because I was gestational with Korbin which makes me more susceptible to going back on insulin with this pregnancy too.
The baby's heart rate was 150, and the nurse said that anywhere from 130-160 was good. I looked in my pregnancy journal for Korbin and his heart rate was mainly in the 140's. Girl??? We will see. My next appointment is at the end of April, and then I will make an OB Ultrasound appt for two weeks after that, and then we can find out the sex of the baby.
Dr. F also said that I did not need an extra folic acid supplement at this point, because the forming of the spinal column which is what folic acid helps was already formed by 10 weeks. Plus most prenatal's have 1 mg of folic acid in them, and since I am malabsorptive, I may only be getting half which would be .5mg and as along as I am getting .4mg's the baby should be fine. So since I am taking an extra prenatal every other day, I should be ok!!
The morning ( or all day) sickness should pass within the next week or 2, if it is going too. If it doesn't then I may just be one of the lucky ones that are sick thier entire pregnancy?! Lucky??? Yeah right!!
It was a nice visit, I loved hearing the heart beat! So did Korbin. For most of the day, he has walked around making the washing machine noise " like the baby's heart". He did not like, however, the dr. or the nurse pressing around on my stomach. He was bothered that they might be hurting me or the baby, plus he is really protective over me and wanted to know why they were touching HIS mommy.
I felt some sort of relief after hearing the baby's heart beat, that he or she is ok in there. And now it is another month of waitting. With Korbin, I started off going to the dr. twice a month, so this once a month appointment is kinda strange to me. Yet, I am kinda liking the normality of it all. This is just another positive reward of having gastric bypass for me!!!!

Business Opportunity

2009-03-23T20:36:00.005-04:00

My huband has been off work for nearly four months now, and to say it has been a rocky road is a sincere understatement!!! However, through God's help, strength and guidence we have learned alot about ourselves as individuals. As well as parents and marriage partners.
Last week was a heart breaking one, as we seen a sincere business oppportunity literally slip through our fingers. This nightmare of a journey we have been on was so close to being over we could taste it. Yet, it was not what the Lord had instore of us, and was gone before we even had it. It was a very angry, frustrating week end but when our new week began on Sunday our spirits abounded thanks to what the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts and we began to look upward. Literally.
Today, Rod had a couple of promising phone calls that may pan into something more. As we are looking to our Savior and Creator for wisdom and direction, we are taking a step back and allowing God to control this horrorfic situation we have attempted to control ourselves.
I do not know when this nightmare will be over, I pray it is soon. The toll stress is taking on us is making us weary to continue to run this race we have been called to complete. Phillippians 4:13 says " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". As a runner in this race, I wear this on my chest and back as an identifier of who I am; nobody.
I am no one in and of myself, but through Christ Alone, I can do what ever He wills of me. How strange it is that I have read or heard this scripture so many, many times and now in the middle of lifes catostrophe I finally hear and understand it's meaning.
Lord, through this madness, you are still so, so , so good to us. I look forward to seeing in what amazing fashion you are going to answer our prayers!!

Week # 11

2009-03-21T13:04:00.002-04:00

Sorry I have not updated you with what is going on with the baby and the pregnancy recently, I have just been an emotional ball of mush recently, and every time I have tried to blog I cry all over the key board!!
Things are going well, as far as we know anyway. We go this Thursday morning to see Dr. F for our twelve week visit. He said we would listen for the heartbeat, and do an ultrasound to see that the baby is growing sufficiently. There is a possibility, ever so slightly, that we could find out the sex of the baby during this ultrasound. However, we will most likely find out next month.
My little baby belly is starting to stick out a little, and my size 18 reclaimed jeans are getting to tight around the middle and when I wear them, I have to do so unbuttoned.
As far as maternity wear, I have 3 long sleeve shirts that I am alternating between. Thanks to the clearance rack at Target and the resale shops, we have spent less than 20.00 on all three. I am trying not to buy alot of clothing right now, mainly because we can not afford for me to do so, but I will spend the bulk of my pregnancy during the summer months so I will need more short sleeve shirts than long. I have a single pair of maternity Capri's that I wear most everyday regardless of the weather since they are the only thing that fit. Thanks to my mother-in-law, that is going to change soon since she so kindly bought me a pair of maternity jeans during a shopping trip this past week.
My weight is a steady 193, for the moment. I originally lost 8 pounds due to morning sickness in the beginning. The scale has since rebounded, and has stayed steady for the last week or so which thrills my husband to death. I really would not like to rise above 194 until my first trimester officially ends next week, which would leave to to gain nothing my first trimester. Then it is the doctors goal for me to gain 1/2 a pound a week during the course of the rest of the pregnancy. As for vitamins, I am alternating taking a second vitamin every other day in addition to the one I take daily. I will be asking about a folic acid supplement, and for the doctor to do more blood work because I am unusually exhausted even for being pregnant and I think my B-12 or my iron is outta whack.
Rod and I have finalized our pick of baby names, but as to our tradition, we will not be telling anyone the name until the baby arrives. Rod enjoyed being able to introduce our son for the first time to our friends and family by his name. So, per my husbands request, we will be keeping this child's name quiet too. But rest assured, as soon as we know we will tell everyone the sex of the baby- we could not keep that a secret too!!
Korbin could care less what the baby's name is, as long as it is a girl. That is his only request!! We have not told him our picks, although he is a good secret keeper, a 4 year-old could only take so much and we did not want to put his in that position to ignore all the temptation from our families to get him to tell them the baby's name.
I am looking forward to the end of the first trimester and the increased energy that usually comes in the second. I am also hoping I leave the morning sickness in the first trimester, and move on to greener eatting pastures :)

Korbin is going to be a Kindergartener!!

2009-03-20T18:56:00.003-04:00

I can remember the moment I found out I was going to be a mommy. It was one of the single most life changing moments, I have ever had. With a ringing of the telephone I became solely responsible for another life.
I remember the first time we seen each other, and looking into the stormy dark blue eyes that I had just spent 72 hours in labor and having major surgery to meet.
I remember his first words, the first night he slept through the night, the first time he crawled and walked, his first birthday, when he switched to a "big boy" bed, and when he started going to the bathroom by himself.The first time he smiled and stole my heart.
As his mommy, I have been by his side for every major mile stone Korbin has had up until this point. Now, I sit here pen in hand, getting ready to sign my baby up for Kindergarten. Not just any kindergarten but ALL DAY kindergarten!! My little man will be gone for 8:30 am to 3:30 pm Monday thru Friday!!! I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with this transition to a world filled with monster trucks, tools the make real noises and "mommy I am hungry" to backpacks, lunchboxes and school clothes.
As Korbins world grows larger with friends, school activities and independence my world grows a little sadder as he needs me less and less. My baby is growing up!!! My tears are tears of joy because I am thankful that Korbin has the ability to grow up into a healthy, happy young man. As well as I am equally as thankful that I have had the opportunity to be his mommy full time for the last 4 1/2 years of his life.
I am trying to find the happiness in all of this kindergarten business, as Korbin steps into the next phase of his life.Some of best times in my childhood were spent in school, just being me and being with my friends. And I think mainly, that is what I am afraid of: that Korbin will move on without me.
Silly? Maybe. I know that I will have more than enough to keep me busy with a newborn at home.
Yet, I can not help but feeling like life is changing and there is nothing I can do about it.
I know those baby blue eyes, dimples and southern drawl " yes ma'am" will wow his teachers and his sense of humor, kind heart and competitive nature will make him lots of friends. I know the transition will be more traumatic for me than it will be for him, as he walks into that kindergarten room for the first time a new portion of his life begins, as does mine as I will from then be the mother of a kindergarten, a PTO mom and snack helper once a month.

Week # 8

2009-02-26T09:19:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, was day 1 of week # 8 in my 2nd pregnancy. I began this pregnancy weighing 194 lbs and I now weigh 192 pounds. I have not been trying to loose weight, nor have I continued on my vigorous exercise routine. Actually quite the opposite, I have pretty much consumed anything I want just in moderate portion sizes. However, I have a great aversion to food in general. My husband made some great steak fajitas the other night, in which I had about 6 awesome tasting bites until my stomach started to churn indicating that if I did not stop eating soon, I would not like the results. Reluctantly, I put my generously filled tortilla pack on the plate. My hair is falling out again because of the low level of protein I am consuming, which I will be trying to up slowly in order to avoid nausea.
I am taking a prenatal vitamin, an iron supplement, vitamin C supplement and tums for extra calcium. I plan at asking at my next prenatal visit if the Dr. wants me to add a folic acid supplement to my regime. I do pretty good remember to taking the prenatal vitamin most days, the iron is hit or miss mainly based on the fact of constipation issues.
The baby updates I get said that the baby is now the size of a kidney bean, which is funny that something that small could reek that much havoc on a woman's body!!
My size 14 jeans are much too tight now, so I have reclaimed a pair of size 18's out of my closet that I just had not gotten around to getting rid of yet. They are put huge in the legs but are fitting well in the waist. I have one maternity shirt my sister gave me, and that is it for maternity clothes. I am praying Rod gets a job before I start to need more, but as it stands it will not be very long because you can already see my little baby bump pouching out there a little bit.
I did some reading because I thought for sure I was crazy, especially since I lost two pounds, but everything I could get my hands on says that it is common for you to "show" quicker with your second or third baby than you were with your first. And since I weighed 275-300 pounds when I was pregnant with Korbin, it was about at 6 months when you could finally tell that I was pregnant and not just over-weight.
Does it sound strange that I am looking forward to "looking" pregnant? Being MO ( morbidly obese) with my son, I missed some of the joy of just being pregnant. Now that I am at a healthy weight, I am looking forward to going into the Motherhood store and shopping in the cute section (where you can buy a Large), and not be shuffled to the back of the store where they have things in "my size". Now, I am just hoping that we have the money in order to have that experience!

Me & My BIG Mouth

2009-02-22T10:13:00.002-05:00

So, I have basically been spotting on & off since a week after I found out that I was pregnant. The doctors have checked for fetal heart tones, and found one. Which leads them to believe that this bleeding in just old uterine blood left from my last c-section in 2004.
After taking 5 days off that I really could not afford, then another day because Korbin was running a 104 degree fever, I was working a total of 20 hours in two weeks, which by no means pays our rent or electric bill here at the end of the month.
And to make matter worse, my boss called last night and wanted me to cover another shift at another home, and after working since 7am (and it was almost 6pm), I was just exhausted. So, instead of telling her no, I was tired and my husband was fixing me a nice dinner at home, I told her about my doctors "suggested" restrictions in order not to work the other house.
On Thursday, Dr. F and I talked about what he would like to see me doing ( not running up and down stairs and lifting more than a galloon of milk) but also said that he understood that I was the only one working right now, so just to becareful. So, instead of getting the understanding boss I thought I would get, I got "well if that is the case, we are gonna have to pull your hours. It is not safe for you or the patient". And with that, both my husband and I are unemployed and face the very real prospect of loosing everything we have.
Which is why I slept less than 2 complete hours last night. After another phone call transpired, where my boss realized that I was hysterical, she did offer me a glimpse of hope... for 1/2 second. That if my doctor was will to release me with no lifting restrictions, then I would still have a job, and she would help me to make up the hours I missed. As kind as she may have meant the offer to be, it really offered me no solice because we both knew that there is no doctor in america that is going to give any pregnant women alive a blanket letter saying that she has no restrictions whats so ever because then it would make him available for a lawsuit later, if something should happen.Then, she said " Take this time to rest, you need it" WHAT????????????????? Are you kidding me??????????????? You just took away the only way my family and I were making it and you actually said to me get some rest. What I should actually be doing instead of typing this, is looking for another job, praying that someone would be willing to hire me(and not fire me when they found out I was pregnant).
There are over a million companies in america that make reasonable accomodations for pregnant women, and mine were simple: please put me at house A and house B for right now. And, I guess that if I would have kept my big mouth shut, I would not be looking for an underpass to live under at this particular moment.
My stress level is through the rough, and it has been for months. Instead of someone putting there arm around me and saying" Do you need a listening ear or a friend?", these well meaning people say "Oh, I can understand what your going through. I have been where you are!"
OH REALLY???? So, your husband has been laid off once a year for four years, your job has been dismissed like you were a bad cold, you've been pregnant without anyway to support yourself or the child you already have, you've never had a home to "loose" so when you get kicked out of an apartment you go to the streets, and with every single turn you can not figure out for the life of you what you have done so wrong???? Well congrats, then you have been in my shoes!!
So I sound angry?? Yes, I am!!! Do I sound scared? Terrified, actually!!! I have done all that I can do, I have worked 32 days straight, christmas, my birthday, new years, morning, noon and night and completely reeinginering my schedule on a moments notice to fill an extra shift- and all I needed in return was a paycheck to make sure my family had a roof over thier heads and food on the table. Now, I have no idea where those necessities are even going to come from!! Ironically, I am not angry with my boss. Although, I would have handled the situation differently, I can see her point of view ( note, I did not say I agree with it, but none the less) and I am thankful for the employment while it was available. The experience has truelly changed my life. I am more angry at myself for just not being good enough for anything or anyone. I thought with great weight loss, I would find my self worth, instead I found more self loathing. I have prayed, begged, hoped and dreamed of having another child for 3 1/2 years now and instead of now have a dream come true, I have a nightmare and this poor baby is going to suffer for my mistakes!!

They found a heart beat!!

2009-02-17T15:11:00.002-05:00

Monday was an extremely emotional day for us. I woke up before the dr.'s office opened and showered, just encase they were able to see my right away. At 8:45 I called the ob's office and spoke to an uncaring women who said all she could do was let me speak to the nurse, when she had a moment to call me back, and give me an appointment a week from Thursday. A week from Thursday?? Did she miss the part where I said I was bleeding and had been since last Thursday???
So, I was back to square one which was extremely frustrating!! After I finished crying, I took the bull by the horns and called the dr.'s office back again, I was going to get some answers!! This time I spoke to someone, who actually listened to what I was saying and when I finished my story she put me on hold for what seemed like forever! However, when she came back she had better news: the ultrasound tech said that she was willing to squeeze me in and they would do my blood work.Then, I would see the dr. later this week. It was not completely what I was looking for, but it was better than the latter.
So,Rod and I dropped Korbin at my sisters and headed to the dr.'s office. Since this was a different doctor than I had orginally began seeing, I had to fill out new patient paperwork. We sat there for what seemed like forever, and finally when I thought my bladder would burst, they called us back.
The ultrasound tech was the most personable person I had seen in the medical community in days! She did the ultrasound on there on the screen was the tiniest flutter I had ever seen, but yes, it was a heart beat!! I thought my own heart would leap out of my chest, and tears stung my eyes!! I was so thankful to the Lord, I do serve a wonderful God!!!
They took some bloodwork, and told me that I was six weeks and three days pregnant and I would see the doctor on Thursday at 10:45am.
As I floated from the office to the car, I was in awe of the handiwork of God to create something so small and tiny that is a living breathing person that will grow to be this bundle of energy that runs around whose laughter is the merriment of my heart. I am so blessed to be a mommy and to get to be a mommy again to this little angel.
I am still praying that they bleeding will stop completely, however, it has slowed alot. And I return to work tomorrow, which is both exciting and scary at the same time.
Right now, we are just trying to take things one day at a time.

Uncertainty

2009-02-14T11:02:00.002-05:00

I sit here on my couch, where I have been for 2 days now, afraid any moment I will have to use the bathroom again.
On January 31, Rod and I found out we were expecting our second child. We have waitted 3 years to get pregnant again, which came on the heals of my one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery on January 29th where I lost 185 pounds. Needless to say we were elated, as was our son.
Korbin has waitted for what seems like an eternity to a little kid to be a Big brother. I would have never thought being a brother is as important to him as it is. Since the moment he found out, he kisses my stomach and tell the baby inside that he loves his baby brother or baby sister.
That is just one of the reasons that my heart was shattered into a blue million pieces when I began to spot on Thursday afternoon.
I went to the restroom and simply could not believe my eyes as to what I was seeing on the toilette tissue!! I promptly called my OB and tried to wait as patiently as I could for his phone call. However, it and the trip to the ER later were completely useless and a waste of my time!! They told me nothing, other than my cervix is still closed, and this could or could not be a viable pregnancy. There is nothing that I nor they could do to determine or save this either way. I still feel numb, as I sit here and relive the events in my mind.
On friday, I went back to my OB and he checked me again and said all seems well but this could be a threatened Miscarriage. I hate that word!! This is more to me and my family than just a fetus or a miscarriage. This is our baby!!! If it dies, a part of me dies too!! More so what do I tell my precious little boy, who looks forward to this baby as much as my husband and I do?!?! Each night he goes to bed, he prays for this baby and for mommys belly to get really, really big. I just do not want to break his little heart too!!!
Yet, I live in hope that I am one of the 1 in 5 women who has a small tear in the uterus that will heal itself. Or the 30% or 75% of women who have bleed in thier first trimester. I keep praying that God will hear my prayers and answer them that this bleeding will stop and everything will indeed be alright. I am terrified to the quick of my soul that there is something wrong with my baby and there is nothing I can do about it!
All I can do is pray, and wait, and pray until I go back to the Dr. next friday. I have 5 1/2 more weeks until I will be at 12, then the statistics for miscarriage drops by half. I am praying that she can hang on until then. I am praying that we all can hang on until then!
Lord God in Heaven, that created all that we are and all the we see. I pray and ask you now Father to please touch this child inside of me. I love her, Lord. And I have loved her since the very moment I knew about her. I ask, Lord, that you please protect her and heal me from what ever is causing the random bleeding so that I may carry her to a full and healthy term. I have faith in you Lord, and I put all of my trust in you. I know that you can do a miracle in this situation based upon the sheer fact, that is it a miracle that I am pregnant to begin with. You are the Great Physician, God!! There is nothing to big or to small that is beyond your control!!Your word says that you will give me the desires of my heart, and as I pray believing, I trust in your word and in your sovernity as the Almighty. I surrender myself and the life of this child to you, Lord, and pray that it will end favorably but ask that thy will be done Lord.

Peanut Allergy Kid-do

2009-01-19T16:56:00.003-05:00

Last April, Korbin was diagnosed with a Peanut Allergy(PA) in a very tramatic event in an allergist office. Since then, I have tried to educate myself and others around me about this severe allergy. Much to my dismay, I have failled more often than not. And as we face an allergy that threatens to worsen over time, rather than be something that he will just "grow out of", I find my anxiety over the situation growing as well. Especially with the onset of kindergarden looming.
House after house we visit, I find peanut tanted snacks littering cabinets and counter tops, by well meaning friends and family who do not simply understand the severity of an PA.
Fifty-four percent of fatal food allergic reactions reported in the United States from 2001-2006 were from peanuts.As well as, asthmatics with peanut sensitivity are more likely to develop life threatening reactions. "If untreated, anaphylactic shock can result in death due to obstruction of the upper or lower airway (bronchospasm) or hypotension and heart failure. This happens within minutes to hours of eating the peanuts. The first symptoms may include sneezing and a tingling sensation on the lips, tongue and throat followed by pallor, feeling unwell, warm and light headed. Severe reactions may return after an apparent resolution of 1-6 hours" says Wikipedia
Now do you see my anxiety?????
Who was it that said "Knowing is half the battle"? GI Joe, I think. Anyway, I found a new web-site of a mom who also has a Peanut Allergy Kid. She faces the same fears, trails and triumphs that I do. Ironically enough, I found solice in the wording of her articles as I realized that I am not alone.We are not alone in our battle to keep our son safe and healthy.
I wanted to give her web-site a special mention; http://www.peanutallergykid.com/ because if as parents we band together to keep our kids safe until there is a cure for PA then we can focus more on the fun of heading off to kindergarden instead of the fear.

Korbin's Favorite Peanut-Free No Bake Cookies
Ingredients
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup cocoa
1/2 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 cups dry oats
Directions
1In a saucepan add butter, sugar, cocoa and milk.
2Bring to boil, stirring constantly. After 3 minutes remove from heat.
3Stir in vanilla and oats.
4Drop by spoonful onto wax paper.
5Let sit till firm, or eat immediately!

Now & Then

2009-01-16T10:56:00.003-05:00

January 2008 was a very unique month for me as it was the month prior to my surgery. I am re-reading my journal from last year to remember and acknowledge how far I have come. Here is my journal from this day last year:

"Pre-Surgrey Day
This morning with my Aaron Shust CD and the keys to my sister-in-laws car in hand, I drove to Ypsilanti for my pre-surgrey testing. As I drove across the snow/salt covered express way, I was superised at how calm I was. There was the hiccup of some nervousness or fear try to burrow its way into my head, but I shook it off as I listened to the words of my new favorite CD.
I arrived shortly before 9:30 and went into the Clinic. They took me right back and I did not even have to sit in the waitting room. This surprised me a little because I have felt recently as if I am in a constant state of waitting for something. First, I went to have some blood drawn and chatted with the nice tech about how much I was going to enjoy the new phase of my life. She said she would she me the morning of my surgrey for more blood, and I went to see the attending dr. who " cleared" me for surgrey by asking some questions about my family and personal medical history.
The Dr. gave me one of those great medical gowns and had the nurse escort me down to ultra sound for a u/s of my gallbaladder. This was kinda surreal as I had flash backs of labor and delivery; ugly gown and all. Next, was a chest x-ray and then I was ewscort back to a dressing room before off to a nutrition class.
I sat in the room with several others and the Registered Deitician for an hour and a half with a continuing thought of I all ready know this. I was pretty happy when she finally gave out our big book of advice and I got to ask the things I didn't know. At that moment I felt pretty secure that I had done my homework and knew what laid in front of me. The RD was a nice lady was gave out her phone number at the clinic and said she was personally available to us. That kinda impressed me a little, not like a weight watchers or jenny craig chick but a real human who was personally available to me to help me through the things I don't know who won't give me text book answers to my non text book weight issue.
Finally some help! This is what I have truelly need for years. Not some to tell me what I should or shouldn't do but to help me find the answers and achieve success. Not to talk at me but too me. So, when I left the nutrition class, although I knew what she was talking about(for the most part), I felt secure in my knowledge about the decision I was making and who I was allowing to help me with that decision.
Finally, is was off to get my EKG. This lady was nice and we chatted about our kids for several minutes before she asked me to put on that stupid gown again. That was nice, for once someone wanted to talk before asking me to undress. It is always easier to know who is going to see your grossly over weight body before they actaully see it.
I was done. Just that easy.
As I drove back home, with Aaron Shust blairing in my ear ( without Korbin in the car I can turn the radio up as loud as I want without the fear of making him deaf), I realized that I felt comfortable at that facility. There are so many people who work there that have had this surgrey and are a walking testimony to it. Plus people don't look at you funny for having bigger thighs or bellys or double chins. They applaude you for realizing you have a problem and getting help with it.
I am still dealing with that little hiccup that wants to become a full blown case but I am trying to rest on the promise that God will never give me than I can handle and that He has brought through so much. And dreaming about the little dress that I am gonna buy for Danny and kendra's wedding July 4th week end and think about all the fun I am gonna have for the first time in a long time because I will not have to think about if I look good. I will feal like I look good and that for the first time in forever will be good enough!!!!!!!!"

How crazy is it that I am still dealing with that hiccup of fear? The fear of not being good enough and the fear of failure. I have come so far, and still I face these fears daily. I guess weight loss surgery does not cure self-esteem or self-worth issues. Which is what I am dealing with right now, along with the complete and utter terror of my husband being without a job in an uncertain economy. So, I think for today I will rest on my success of what I have already achieved and let tomorrow take care of it's self. I am gonna pop in my Aaron Shust CD on my way to work tonight and pray that the Lord will give me today what he gave me a year ago; Hope.

Finally!!

2009-01-15T13:20:00.001-05:00

I finally weigh under 200 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Wahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drowning

2009-01-13T18:42:00.003-05:00

I wrote several months ago about Godly contentment and my desire for it. However, I had no idea that my desire to be content with what I have no matter how large or how small would lead me or my family down this path.
It is literally fighting everything I have ever know in order to be at peace with myself, my husband and our circumstances. Proverbs 3:5&6 says "lean not on your own understand in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct you paths". It is a completely ironic feeling to "lean" on God to understand exactly what is going on here without fully understanding what is going on yourself.
Have you ever jumped in a pool and went to far under and had to fight your way to the top and by the time you get there, your lungs are aching for air and for several minutes afterward they burn painfully until your body is reinflated with precious oxygen once again?
That is exactly what life is like right now, and I am in constant fear of literally drowning at any particular moment.
Christmas was an amazing moment for Rod & I once we got over the realization that we had nothing to give than what we hid in our hearts for one another. It was a bitter pill to swallow but once we did, we could get over the nasty taste left in our mouths and move forward. For the first time in years, we actaully enjoyed our families; faults and all, and the gifts that we were given without the preverbial "but" hanging in the air. It was a sweet time for us, and the soul reason was the we gave Jesus first place in our life and He restored our joy.
Yet, it seems as if that Joy has been lost once again and the Devil has launched a full on assult on our home, marriage, finances and life. From the time I rise until I go to sleep at night, it is an exhausting battle to control my thoughts and attitude in order to maintain any intergrity I may have left.
Some days are better than others, but even the best days are still very trying. I have never been this exhausted and terrified! I am completely at a loss, and have no idea what the answer is or how to obtain it.
When I was a little girl, I would constantly tell my parents that I could not wait to grow up so that I could live on my own and make my own decisions! Fast forward 20 years and here I am wishing that I did not have so many decisions to make!! I had no idea that being an adult was so rough because it looked like it was so much fun when I was 10. I should go back and ask my Dad when the fun part starts because right now is anything BUT fun!!!!

A new year, a new attitude

2009-01-06T19:05:00.002-05:00

I have been so busy that I do not know what year it is sometimes, literally!!!
Rod reminded me the other day when he said "Wow! We will be celebrating your one year anniversary at the end of the month" My response was "What? The end of the month? You can not be serious?!?!" But he was, and it is! In 23 days, I will be celebrating the life that gastric bypass gave me and all the victories that I found along my journey as well as all the pitfalls because they each had a lesson for me to learn.
This is my journal entry from this time last year :

21 Days Counting
So, my presurgrey appoinment is a week from today and my surgrey is 21 days away. Today, I am doing pretty good. I feal focused and know exactly for who and why I am doing this. On Sunday, I had a melt down at church. Two of our preteen girls came over to tell me that they were praying for me. First, let me tell you that I think our church has some of the greatest kids. Second, I am so proud and fortunate to call thier parents my friends. So after I talked with Emma & Avery, I become overwhelmed. I believe God sent a special message for me in that afternoon and because of that, today, I feal pretty good. I believe in Gods plan for my life, I believe in His power and I stand on His promises. And I know that everything will be all right. I am sure that I will have a couple more moments like this again.....it seems like satan is really trying to use things to get to me these days since he realizes that he can't use food anymore....mainly my family and my fears. I know God has brought me through so much and has never left me or tempted me and not given me a way out. I am looking forward o my new life being healthier which will make me a better mommy and wife. And this summer when I take my son my neices to the park or the pool then I will be able to have more fun with and not so self concious. And then I can take all the time I spent worried about that and focus on something more important.... like spelling... LOL.

It is funny to read that and realize that Satan is still trying to use those same things against me: my family and my fears. In 2009, it is my goal now that I have gotten off alot of this weight which was weighing me down figuritively and literally, I want to figure out exactly who Kristy is and what she wants from this life. I think I have gotten a good start, I just need alot of fine tuning. So here are a few things I want to accomplish in this first month of the new year:

1.) Journal or blog more memories of my son & husband and how God's grace is sufficient for me
2.) Exerise daily
3.) Cook good food for my family that is healthy and budget friendly
4.) Eat protien first, and stop when I am full
5.) Read my Bible everyday
6.) Laugh everyday
7.) Figure out what I am going to do with my education

I think that all of these goal are achievable, so here I go ------->

Joy cometh in the Morning

2008-12-14T15:42:00.005-05:00

Several posts ago, I wrote about our friends young daughter, Joy, who had been diagnosed with a rare form of kidney cancer at the very tender age of 6 months!! Over the last 2 1/2 months, baby Joy and her loving parents, Fred and Ethel, have endured chemo treatments every three weeks( I believe that time frame is correct) at the local children's hospital.
On the third Monday of the month, Joy and her Daddy make the hour and a half trek to the local children's hospital around mid morning. Since Joy's Daddy is one of many in our state right now without work, he is her primary care giver while her mommy works to maintain her full time job as well as here sanity. They begin in triage with some blood work, then they move the pair to a room where they begin her first injection of chemo mid afternoon. Joy's mommy makes the exhausting two hour drive from her work during rush hour traffic to the hospital that is their home for three days each month. Praise the Lord, Ethel's employer is kind during this crazy time in her family's lives and allows her to work from the hospital if necessary or not at all while her little girl is in the hospital each month.
This week was Joy's third or fourth round of chemo, which was moved around a bit due to the Christmas holiday. God has blessed Joy during this time with little sickness, she may not want to eat alot after her treatments and her hair is thinning, but she has not been unbearably sick. Quite the opposite, from what I am told. She gives smiles to the nursing staff and doctors often and laughs out loud when her Grandma imitates Elmo.
So, this week when the phone rang Saturday at Fred and Ethel's home, they were use to the phone number from the local children's hospital appearing. On this day, it was one of baby Joy's team of doctors to tell the little family that there is no sign of any further cancer in the baby's little body!! GONE!!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!
The inflection can only be described in Fred's voice as relieved as he called our home Saturday afternoon.And thankful to the Creator and Savior for healing their little girl.
Amazing Grace, is all that kept ringing in my ears as my husband retold the story to me, as I cried in awareness of God's greatness.
Yet another gift we have seen this Christmas season that can not be bought in stores. Yet, the best gift that they could have been given apart from their individual salvation's.
I am amazed as I sit back and allow God to teach me that Christmas is not about the material things, as society would have us to believe. It is about the gift that came that day, a baby, who was laid in a manger who grew to be a man, that died on a cross but still lives inside each and everyone of us if we will allow Him too.
God has been good this season, even with the loss of Rod's job and the uncertainty of our financial future. However, there is a passage in the bible that says it all: Weeping may endure for a night but Joy cometh in the morning!!!!

Month 10

2008-12-11T10:26:00.003-05:00

I began on November 29th, month number ten of being a post-op gastric bypass patient. It has being a great ride, and I am eagerly anticipating arriving at my goal weight. I ended month number nine, at 207. On October 29th, I was 215; which is a net loss for that month of 8 pounds. Which is good, considering my weight loss has slowed dramatically! As of today, I am 205 and atttempting to reach Onederland by Christmas, which will be my christmas gift to myself! I can not remember the last time I weighed under 200 pounds, and I am really looking forward to it. With all of life's activities, I forgot to take a picture to add to by collection of progression pictures so I will use the ones from Korbins Birthday (which was the 18th- so it is a 10 day difference). Yesterday, I went to the gym and had a really good work out. I did 25 mintues on the treadmill, 10 minutes rowing which I am trying to build myself up to do a full thirty minutes, and 17 minutes on the stationary bike where I rode for 5 miles. I did a few of the weight machines, and I came home just as exhausted as I left. See, I am trying to build my stamina to reduce my fatigue while working extra hours at work right now. However, it is gonna take a week or so for my body to catch up until then I will suffer extreme exhaustion and I am just praying for God's grace to make it through. Today, I am gonna do my Lesily Sansone walking dvd, for 2 miles. I have already worked for 2 hours this morning,and after my dvd and some lunch I will head back for another 7 hour shift at another home until 8pm tonight. I will get back home just in time to put Korbin to bed. These days are long, rising before 5am and getting to bed after 11pm, but I am thankful that God has given me a job to supplement my income. I know His grace will be sufficient for me/us and He will give me the physical strength to endure. As for now, I am gonna go play trains with my boy while I have a moment!

Crisis of Faith

2008-12-09T17:00:00.003-05:00

I refuse to let our current job statis, with Rod being without work, be a crisis of Faith!! I am battling the emotional, up hill battle that this christmas this year will be so different for us than in years past. I look at the news paper ads or see the t.v. commercials, and realize that there is no money for the things that they offer. I immediantly become sad and disheartend, why did this have to happen to us? Yet, I am trying to train my brain to catch up with my heart and stay focused on the big picture of God's mercy, grace and love.
I do not need a bunch of packages under the christmas tree to celebrate the birth of Christ! At this point, our daily needs are being met( by the grace of God, I might add) and for that I should be thankful. And my heart is! It rejoices in the morning's with David as I read the Psalms as he proclaims God's greatness and sovernity. It listens to Paul speak to the churches of the New Testament as he lovingly rebukes them in order to bring them closer to christ likeness. It is over whelmed with the story of John Newton, the man who wrote the lyrics of the world renoun Amazing Grace whose story is just that of God's amazing, saving grace.
Unfortunately, it is taking awhile for my mind to catch up to what my heart is saying. As loudly as it beats in my ears after a long run, it is saying: God loves you! He will provide for you!! Trust in Him!! Have Faith in Him!!
I really believe the the devil is trying the same thing with me as he does with Job in the Old Testament, who's body is badly afflicted with boils and he is sitting outside scraping them with a stick. Then his wife comes to him and asks him to "Curse God and Die". He is trying to get me to be angry with God. Or trying to get me to be so angry at Rod's former boss that I sin against God. Unfortunately, for Job it gets worse before it gets better. I am praying that it does not get worse before it gets better for us, but it did indeed get better for Job. Because he did not sin against God, God restored him double.
The only thing I am looking for at this point, is double the faith. I do not want our personal financial crisis to become a crisis of faith. Instead, I would hope to grow stronger and closer to my savior and my husband through this situation. I know that christmas is not about the packages under the tree, but about the one who was born to be hung and die on a tree. I think the thing that is fighting me most is that I had such expectations of an enjoyable christmas, me being a new person both inside and out.
Now, the manifestation I have gone through this past year will be put to the test this christmas to celebrate joyfully without sorrow instead being bought in a store and wrapped with a bow. Maybe that is the gift, in and of it's self. And I like, the Jewish rulers of the day, missed it. I was looking for a grand, expensive gift with a large bow and instead I got the gift that lives within my heart that cost more than money can buy but never wore a bow at all but a cross instead.
Thank you Jesus, for being my gift this season. May I never take you for granted nor put you on a shelf. But allow you to live within me and use my life as your own so that I may give your gift of love and sacrifice to another that they may celebrate this christmas with an eternal gift that moths and thieves will never corupt just as you so freely gave to me!"

Merry Christmas???

2008-12-07T16:52:00.003-05:00

Christmas is without a doubt my favorite time of year. Even during the horrible times, like the year when my grandfather passed away on December 23 and was buried on my 16th birthday or the first Christmas after my mom died. Some how I was able to bounce back, if you will, and celebrate the ultimate gift of the Messiah's birth.
I love the smell of baking cookies, sweet smelling candles and lights glistening against the white snow. You can hear the message of Jesus Christ in the songs on the radio, the kindness of strangers and pageants, plays and cantata's at our churches. I liken it as a cat to catnip as I get an itch to begin my Christmas shopping in late October and begin making my lists of baking, crafts and other fun things to do with Korbin.
And as 2008 began on such a high note for me with the answer to the prayer of having my gastric bypass, I foolishly thought that this Christmas would be the climax to a wonderful year. However, that is just not the case as we begin the month of December with my husband unemployed and looking for another job. On Monday, December 1 after he put in yet another twelve hour day at his former company he was called into a meeting where he was told that his company is unable to pay his pay check any longer and discontinued his employment. Deflated and disheartened, my wonderful husband drove an hour and a half home to inform Korbin and I that he no longer had means to financially provide for our family.
He was sad, and I was enraged!!! Twenty four stinking days prior to Christmas, he was laid off by an employer who claimed to care for his employee's, which is what the CEO and Rod's direct boss told me over and over again when I called his office on the hour when Rod was in the hospital in September. The wording that rings in my ears over and over again is his boss's voice saying " Don't worry Mrs. B**** we are a family here and we take care of each other!" If this is his idea of taking care of each other, discontinuing a man's employment with a wife and a small child right before Christmas, I would hate to see what he does for people he does not want to take care off.
I want to yell, scream, and curse evilness upon his company and this man's head. Yet, as mad as I am, I can not seem to do anything but feel anything but sadness for us and for him and his company. Rod wishes him nothing but personal and professional success. That shows extreme Christan growth on my husbands part, because as for me I am more than mad at how this man and his company took advantage of and disrespected the man I gave my love and my life too.
In the middle of this turmoil in our country as we face an economic crisis, and the uncertainty that we face to determine if we can make ends meat or not, I have a peace in the depths of my soul that does not make sense to my head but makes my heart breathe a sigh of relief. It is the same peace that I have been missing in recent months, but experience to the innth degree proceeding my wls.
I know that I serve an Amazing God that is prayer hearing and prayer answering to those who serve Him with their lives by giving their hearts to His son Jesus Christs who bore our sins upon the cross of Calvary.
So, in knowing this, I know also that this did not happen without God allowing it and having a plan for it. However, as much as I know that digesting what this means is what I am having the problem with.
This means, foregoing the climactic Christmas I had been anticipating celebrating for the first time in years. I had searched high and low for the items on Korbins Christmas list looking forwaed to his happy response on Christmas morning and excitedly anticipated receiving clothes for Christmas that I could actually put on and wear for the first time since I was in high school or buy a new dress to wear to chruch. Or receiving the bracelet or anniversary band I had been hinting around at getting for the last 3 years. To go beyond that, even enjoying my birthday, which is two days after christmas, for the first time since I lost my grandfather 16 years ago.
Sigh.. those things were not to meant to happen this year, this year I guess. However, it is not going to detour me or my family from celebrating the greatest gift ever given to mankind; the Christ child.
Each year I decorate our Christmas tree in red and white to remind us of the purity of that baby born in a manger. With the red to show us that they baby grew up to be a man who came to save his people for their sins ans shed his life's blood on the cross of Calvary for you and for me. Regardless of what or what not is under that tree, those two facts still remain. And those are causes for celebration!!

School..Again??

2008-11-24T12:44:00.002-05:00

Last semester, I enrolled at a local college to attempt to finish my degree...in what was the question. I prayed about it for a long time, then through that prayer God spoke to my heart and told me it just was not the right time in our lives.
This college wanted me to enroll in a Physical Therapy Assistant (PTA) program, which is what I registered under but just didn't "feel" it. All I kept saying was I just really want my nursing degree!!!
Right after my mom died, and I came home from the 4 year college where I was living on campus & attending, I took some classes at a local community college to try and stay on track to finish my degree. So randomly today, I got on thier website to see what it would take for me to finish my education.
I was plesantly surprised, as I checked out there online classes to see that ALL of the prereq's I would need are listed online. To further aid in my joy, there are several classes I had already taken are listed on the prereq's for the associate in nursing degree, which means that if I were to enroll there in the winter, I could take those prereq's from home as online classes, then the core nursing classes are listed as day/evening/week-end classes.
This flexable class schedule would enable me to finish my degree; according my calculations, in 18 months!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I am back to praying again. Is this the right time in ourlives? I feel this sense of urgency to get this degree done so that it can stop looming over my head. There are just so many more things that play into this decision now that I am a mommy and wife.
To further complicate this decision, we really want to have more babies. However, it would be more complicated that it is right now to continue my education with more babies. Yet, with me finishing at a community college my credits are still good for three years( for science classes), so that I could stop when we have another child then start again when I/we are ready with a timing penalty.
It is our strong desire to send our children to a christain school. It is my belief that I will need to work to help pay that tution. And it is my question, that if I am gonna work part time, I should make enough to afford something other than the gas to get there and the car payment!!!
I am praying that God will just make himself evident in this decision and provide away, if it is His will.

Lost Turkeys

2008-11-22T18:48:00.002-05:00

The average turkey that Americana's buy for Thanksgiving is 22 pounds. Since Dec. 6, 2007 I have lost 172 pounds, and if I put that in thanksgiving terminology, I have lost 7.81 turkey's!!! Could you imagine lining that many turkey's up on the counter and then trying to affix them to my body to carry around!!!!!!! Ahhh?!?!?! No wonder my knee's hurt and my back ached, and I was tired and lethargic all of the time?
I love it when my weight loss and life style change really comes down to everyday life for me, it really shows me how I have changed my life and what I have worked for.

Godly Contentment

2008-11-19T14:42:00.004-05:00

Goals. We all got'em, for the last 10 months, mine have revolved around the scale. What is says but what it doesn't say speaks so much more to me. For some reason seeing that scale go down has given me validation, both with myself and others.
I have watched the scale go down from 379 pounds to 207 pounds, sometimes it goes strait down and other times toggling back and forth for a couple of days or so. I have stayed on a strict diet for weeks at a time and others, I have gotten off track for what seems like forever.
But now matter what numerals appear on my digital scale, I still feel as if I am in limbo, waitting for something else to happen.
God's word speaks about contenment in 21 different verses, yet I have found none. And I do not know where this feeling of falling and never reaching the bottom stems from.
Each day, all of my basic needs are met- I have a warm home, clothes to put on and food to put in my stomach. Beyond that I have a great God to go too with what ever situation ales me at the moment. He is " a friend that sticks closer than a brother" in a variety of ways. However, I constantly sit waitting for the other shoe to fall.
Through out this year, I have found that peace from within that I have so often sought after in food without it. Again, it seems as if that unquenchable hunger has returned and I am left shaking my head in wonder as to why.
Is it the time of year that it is?
Is it the continual uncertainty of my husbands job?
Is it the decision as to when to move and where to live?
Is it the right time to have other children or not?
Is it the right time for me to go back to school or not?
These are a few of the questions I wrestle with on a daily basis.
Strangely enough, I never completely give these nagging situations over to the Lord as I know that I should.
My heart tells me to give my problems and concerns to the Master Decision Make of my life, and allow Him to work in ways in which I can not. However,it seems as if day by day I am constantly challenged to handle these decisions myself.
Hebrews 13:5 says Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” or Proverbs 3:5 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart and Lean not unto your own understanding. In reading these verses and knowing and understanding them, am I being the person that God wants me to be in being discontent and leaning on my own understanding??
Another question to wrestle with.
I guess the bigger question is to be asking myself is why has this discontment reared it's ugly head and how do I get back to the sense of peace I had only months ago?
I know the answer to this, for it is my life's verse:Phillippians 4:6-7 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Lord God, I ask through prayer and supplication in the earnest seeking of your word and in thanksgiving of the great gifts you have already bestowed upon me according to your riches in heaven that you will help me not to lean on my own understanding but thine will be done and that you will restore my inner peace and my focus on those things Godly and Good. Help me to guard my heart and mind against the enemy being annxious for nothing, and to think and act upon those things that are pure and lovely.Amen.

Christmas Pictures

2008-11-17T16:29:00.005-05:00

Birthday Party Day

2008-11-16T14:32:00.002-05:00

On Saturday, Korbin celebrated his 4th birthday. We usuaully have one big party, for both family and friends. However, this year we decided to seperate the two and take Korbin with his class friends from church to Chuck E. Cheese. Then, later that afternoon, we had cake & ice cream with our family in the front office at our apartment complex. It was a busy afternoon, but alot of fun.
Korbin's best friends, Natalie and Noah along with his cousin Shelley went to the pizza fun place, where we spent two very load hours. It was a good time, seeing the kids run & have fun doing what kids to best. One of the reasons I love Chuch E. Cheese, is that they have the kids safe policy where you and your child must have a matching stamp to come & go from the enterence/exit. If your stamps do not match, then the adult and kid can not leave together. It does not replace parental supervision but it does give some piece of mind that he can not walk out the door with anyone either.
It was a rainy day, so an indoor party with lots to see and do what exactly what the dr. ordered! So, two hours later, we packed up our things and headed home to relax and get ready for cake and ice cream with the family. We usually just invite Korbins friends to our family party, however, this year it just worked out better to take the little kids to do something more active and fun.
We had the leasing ceter for two hours, and it was a quick cake, ice cream and presents. I loved it!! The clean up with quick and it was very low-key. Almost like a birthday party we would have if we had a home to have it in. By 5 pm, we were packed up (still in the rain) and headed home. Korbin played with each and every toy he got before the nights end. I think this was a really enjoyable day for him and something he will remember in the future.
Birthdays are a big deal for me. I decorate the house, we have a theme, and always have a cake with the persons name on it. My own birthday is two days after christmas. After is the key word there, when everyone is broke and worn out. Which has always made me feel a little bit like an after thought. Especially when people use phrases like "Merry christmas and Happy Birthday". Which would be great,if they were on the same day. For many people, for many years my christmas gifts would double as birthday presents and any formality of having a birthday would be gone.
So, when I had a child, I knew that thier day- the day I told them I was happy that they were born and here with us- would not be anything less than special. Some say I go over board. So what?? Your child is only your child for a short time, why not show them how special they are to you while you can? The key to this, however, is using these things as teaching moments to help them develope into that teenage/ adult that is coming quicker than the rain drops whether you like it or not.
To have these moments to celebrate thier lives, but not to celebrate raising a spoiled brat. One way in which I do this, is I stop him (as often as I can, he is still a kid) and tell him to say Thank you to whom evers gift he has opened. As well as when he is done, he has to go and say thank you and give hugs. It's not perfect, sometimes its a struggle, but I want to attempt to keep his attitude humble and his heart soft.
So, it was a busy day but an enjoyable one. Tomorrow, we will begin writting our thank you cards, Korbin is big enough this year to help write in them. It is hard for me to believe my baby has turned into a big boy right before my very eyes.
It gives new meaning to his morning verse " This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it". These years are going to fast, I will be glad in each day we have while we have it!!!

True Happiness

2008-11-07T19:19:00.002-05:00

I just realized that true happiness does not come from owning new cars, having a ton of money in the bank or catherial peaks in an over sized home. But it comes from being told your the best mommy ever when you give your child something and when your son & husband lay on the floor nose to nose and put together a used train set. It warms my soul and fills my heart with joy so much that it leaks out my eyes as tears. And just as I think it can not get any better than it is at this particular moment, the love of my life winks at me, smiles and says "I love ya, honey".
Thank you God! I stand in awe of the simple gifts that you give me everyday. Thank you for my son & husband, my cup runneth over!!

Standing with the Fridgerator Open

2008-11-06T14:28:00.003-05:00

Wasting my time, wasting electricity wondering why I think that life's problems can be solved inside the ice box. I've searched the cub boards, the pantry and the grocery store shelves with an intense need to feed my feelings for years. Why I thought I could just solve this dilemma with a surgery is beyond me.
Maybe for the last several months, I have put everything/everyone out of my line of vision and focused on the big prize. With much success, I might add. Now that the holidays are fastly approaching, my emotions are outta whack and I am in search of something to get them back in check.
Sadly, old habits die hard, and I always begin my search in the fridge. The professionals call it self-sabotage. I read alot about it prior to my wls, and I am conscious of it now and try to gain prespective each time I reach for the food. I struggle with breaking this habit as it has been an issue since before I can remember it not being an issue.
Food was my friend, my comforter, my confident, and it filled every void that I had. I never went through a mourning period for this food, like so many do that have wls. I mainly felt relieved, like a house guest that came and stayed to long; I was happy that it was gone.
Just as I am happy that it took 150 pounds with it. I stand in the door way, and wave good-bye to the lost blubber. Then quietly close the door and do a happy dance that it is gone. That is what I do most every day. So these feelings of insecurity and insignificane are some what of an anomoly to me.
It is the preverbial angel and devil senerio, and I can choose. The past or the present. I am struggling in this new life I have choosen, it is not easy as I had thought it would be. Actually prayed that it would be. However, I must say that God has seen me through this experience with more good times than bad. So what am I saying? I'm not sure...just rambling I guess. But mainly I am wondering why the little man in the fridge who turns the light on and off has not yelled at me yet and told me to close the door?!

Hi! My name is Kristy & I am an emotional eatter!!

2008-11-05T15:09:00.002-05:00

This afternoon, I delt with my first episode of "dumping" since my weightloss surgery. It was an absolute horrific experience I never, ever wish to repeat.
"Dumping syndrome is an effective result of the gastric bypass system which alerts the body of inappropriate eating. Dumping syndrome is described as a shock-like state when small, easily absorbed food particles rapidly dump into the digestive system. This results in a very unpleasant feeling with symptoms such as a cold clammy sweat, pallor, butterflies in the stomach and a pounding pulse. These symptoms may be followed by cramps and diarrhea. This state can last for 30-60 minutes and is quite uncomfortable!" this definition was from web md.
My experience started with a pounding headache that echoed like I was in a tunnel. My tempature shot up and I began to sweat, as when I looked at something to long I felt as if my eyes would cross,I was extremely dizzy and I began to shake. My stomach made awful noises as if it were the loche ness monster and hurt like someone had just sucker punched me in the gut. I could not think or do anything other than lay on the couch. It was agony and I did it to myself.
Two tablespoons of chicken salad, one hand full of baked chips, one piece of sugar free candy...aw what the heck...two snack size kit kats...later and I was feeling the effect.
Actually that was what I was trying to avoid was feeling, so I began to eat. I often feel as if I am not good enough; not a good enough wife, mother, employee, sister, friend, aunt..the list is endless. When I was over weight I could blame it on that, the weight. Now that I have shed this over layer of protective fat, I have nothing to place the blame on for my feelings of insignificence. Yet, these feelings of not being good enough are overwhelming. I strive to be the best I can in all things, but yet I continuelly fall short. And if it were not for the grace of God in my moments of weakness as a mother, Korbin would be in therapy for my mothering mistakes for the rest of his exsistence. Maybe this is God's reasoning for not blessing us with other children, because I am a failure to the one he did give us thus not deserving of any others. And even though my struggles of these feeling are not secrets, there are/is no shortage of people in our lives to show up and intentionally or unintentionally to tell me how unworthy I am either through thier actions or words. I always remember my momma telling me that actions speak louder than words, and now as an adult, I understand what she is saying.
Then, when my feelings are hurt or I feel as if I am being attacked I overreact and do/say something stupid. Thankfully, God has been really dealing with me in this area and these occassions are less and less. However, in the days to come I deal with emotions that attack my character as a person, wife and mother.
Today, instead of over reacting, I ate. I ate to replace the feelings I was having, I ate to make myself feeling better, I ate because I did not know what else to do.And I still do not know what to do and I still don't feeling better.

2008-11-04T16:13:00.002-05:00

My current weight as of Saturday was 215. One hundred and sixty five pounds lighter than I was this time last year, and in one month, I will be celebrating the beginning of my journey- December 6th.
My body is regressed to this overwhelming tiredness state that I seem to be drug into every couple of months. As if my body is trying to catch up with it's current weightloss. Which I admit, has not been as much lately as I might have hoped.
I have slacked recently on my diet and exerise goals, and just got wrapped up in life as I know it. Now, I am jumping back on the ban wagon with both feet to attempt to get off this last 36 pounds. I had hoped to be at my goal weight by Dec. 6th, however, as quick as I had lost some of this weight I am certain I did not loose 36 pounds in one month!! If I get to 25 from goal(which is a loss of 7 pounds this month) I will be ok, but I'd really like to be at 23.
Which would leave me at 24 to loose in order to reach goal but January 29th, my one year surgery anniversary. I think these goals are reachable and attainable. If I get my butt back in gear!!!
The weather here was great today, so Korbin and I took a walk in the park this after noon. I think it was a half or 3/4's of a mile, not sure but I was nice to be outside enjoying the autumn air. Some exerise is better than none, right?!
I am trying to be happy with the success that I have had but all I can think about is getting to be under that 200 pound mark. In all honestly, I can remember the last time the scale read under that number with me standing on it. It was while I was in high school, and that was more 12 years ago!!
In closing, someone said to me the other day that my goal weight was still too much (179 lbs), I should be striving for 140 or under. I thought for a moment and said " 179 will be good for me, it's not 379! I won't be over weight nor will I be under weight, my weight will be just right for me" And I smiled.

Read my lips, NO MORE BUFFETS!!!

2008-11-03T12:52:00.002-05:00

On Saturday, our family went to a buffet for dinner, we've been twice before in the recent months following my surgery. Each time in the days following, my stomach has been a knotted mess. Why I thought it would be any different this time, I am not sure.
When we arrived, the overwhelming smell of bbq hit me in the face, and warning bells went off. Yet, I continued to walk up to the counter with my hubby and son and pay our 11.00 per person for something I would later regret immensely!
As I searched the buffet for something that would not ruin everything I had worked so hard for, I realized that I was not going to find anything since Saturdays were bbq nite, that meant if it was not deep fried it was slathered in bbq sauce (which is loaded with brown sugar, a BIG no no).
Alas, I settled for a salad with some cheese and ranch dressing, and a slice of way to salty ham. I also had two bites of a roll with butter and one bite of reduced sugar apple pie, and my stomach was screaming!!!
My pouch, which can hold 1 1/2 cups of food comfortably, was gurgling and bubbling in protest of what I had just done. This was not the high protien, low carb good-for-you type meal my little stomach has become accustom to recieving. The food I choose I don't think was a bad choice, but I think that there is something that they cook the food in that does not agree with me. Or they are using the same utensils to cut the ham, that they do to remove the fried chicken thus transfering the grease that my sensitive system can not tolerate any more.
Regardless of why, it is just a fact that I can not eat at buffets anymore. The days following are miserable for me, my stomach still aches and it is Monday now. It is tender and sensitive and protesting anything that I put inside my body except for protien drinks.
Other thing that leaves my shaking my head is, I can not believe I spent $11.00 on a salad & a slice of ham!!! Since my surgery, our average bill for a dinner at a restraurant is $15-20, my meal usually cost the same amount as Korbin's; $4-6. Ahhh!! That was just a bad budget mistake, especially since our $32.00 dinner out cost me an additional $7.00 in antacids and antidiarehha medication at the pharmacy. So, for $41.00, I got crap, literally!!!
*Sigh* I should have listen when the warning bells in my head starting flashing and blinking to tell me that this was not a good idea. However, I did not listen and paid the price for it. I thought if I wrote down what happened, then the next time I was tempted to go to a buffet for dinner I would say thanks but no, the stakes are to high. Budgetwise and Physically.

Keep it Clean Bathroom Plan

2008-10-22T15:10:00.006-04:00

As I said in my Kitchen piece, I would be adding the bathroom to my speed cleaning routine.
Bathroom Cleaning To-Do List:
Every Day- 2 minutes!
Wipe out the sink (30 seconds).
Wipe the toilet seat and rim (15 seconds).
Swoosh the toilet bowl with a brush (15 seconds).
Wipe the mirror and faucet (15 seconds).
Squeegee the shower door (30 seconds).
Spray the entire shower and the curtain liner with shower mist after every use (15 seconds).
Every Week-17 minutes!
Scrub the tub (three minutes).
Scrub the tiles (five minutes).
Mop the floor (two minutes).
Wipe& disinfect the switch plates, doorknobs, and doorjambs (one minute).
Empty and wipe out the wastebasket (30 seconds)
Drains: Pour 1/4 cup baking soda down sink drain, then 1/4 cup vinegar. Let sit
for 5 minutes. Run hot water ( 5 minutes 30 seconds)
Every Season-One hour every three months!
Take down the shower curtain, then launder it according to the care instructions.
Empty, weed, and clean the medicine cabinet (20 minutes).
Perform "Shiny Sink 101" on the tub and sink.

Supplies to Keep in the Bathroom
Clorox Disinfecting Wipes: for cleaning sinks, tubs, tile, and the toilet exterior.
Daily Shower Spray: to prevent soap-scum buildup on shower walls.
OXO Good Grips Household Squeegee : for cleaning the shower door and mirrors.
Toilet brush with caddy.
Clorox ReadyMop: for floors.
Soft Scrub with Bleach: for scrubbing the tub and tile.
OXO Good Grips Scrub Brush: for scrubbing the tub and tile.
Bleach or an all-purpose cleaner: to use in the toilet-brush caddy.
Windex Glass and Surface Wipes: for mirrors and chrome.*

Don't forget when cleaning start at the top and move down, like cleaning the mirror first, then the vanity, the sink & wipe the doors of the vanity before sweeping the floors that way the dust and such move down so that you are cleaning in a pattern to get the best results out of your two minutes of cleaning.

Also, teach your kids that when they are done using the potty to close the lid prior to flushing the toilet. This minimizes the spread of germs when the toilet is flushed. One thing I always have to remind myself is that I not only need to have my bathroom clean but disinfected too. Which is why I always spray the toilet handle, and the faucet and tub handles along with any door knobs to Lysol epseciall during cold/flu season. I do not do this every day but every other day, at the very least once a week unless someone in my home has been sick. This add's another 30 seconds to anyday's cleaning routine.

*see scheduling the kitchen for the recipe to make your own glass cleaner!*

Weight loss surgery fights PCOS

2008-10-21T16:11:00.003-04:00

As if I didn't need another reason to have had wls, I was given one at the doctor when he told me that surgery has resolved my type 2 diabetes and is aiding in the fight against my PCOS(Polycystic ovary syndrome).
The definition the web md gives for PCOS is : "Polcystic ovary syndrome is a condition in women characterized by irregular or no menstrual periods, acne, obesity, and excess hair growth. PCOS is a disorder of chronically abnormal ovarian function and hyperandrogenism (abnormally elevated androgen levels). It affects 5-10% of women of reproductive age. PCOS is also called the Stein-Leventhal syndrome."
I was diagnosed with PCOS five and half years ago when I went to see my ob about birth control prior to getting married. At the time, I did not think very much of it, I was more concerned with the act of getting married than what would happen once we were married. However, the birth control helped to regulate my cycles therefore eliminating the issue, at least in my own mind. Then, after a frightening eight hour ordeal in the local ER for chest pains at the age of 28, I was removed from my birth control for fear of pulmonary embolism with my family history and current medical status (morbidly obese, type 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol).Thus, dissipated any control I had over my monthly cycles.
In January when I had my wls, my cycles began happening like clock work, up until my seventh month post-op. In this month, my weight loss began to slowed to a steady nothingness, and my attention to food and exercise gave way to life's happenings.
At first, I (again) did not pay much attention to my body's signals. I thought my body just needed a minute to catch up to it's rapid weight loss. However, what was actually happening was when I increasing my carbohydrates by not paying attention to my diet then my body also increased it's insulin Resistance. And when I also stopped exercising as much, the insulin was not being regulated in this way either thus the slowing in weight loss and extreme hunger.
So, when my body was not using the insulin properly the excess insulin was thought to boost androgen (Elevated levels of male hormone)production by my ovaries and irregulaating my cycles yet again.All of this means that even though I have lost 148 pounds, which is a significant amount of weight, it is not enough!! This is/was extremely frustrating!! Even at that weight loss, I still am considered to be "obese" (can you believe it???) and need to move my weight to the low end of over weight or the high end of the normal range in order for my PCOS to possibly regulate it's self. Even then, there is no guarantee of that. However, daily exercise and a diet low in carbohydrates is what the Mayo clinic recommends in order to fight this disorder without medication or in addition too it.
So, it is back to chicken and fish for me along with a daily trip back to the gym. I guess I thought I was in the clear, since my diabetes has been in check since the surgery. However, it still appears that I am fighting PCOS( along with 1 in 10 women in the united states). I live in hope that once I hop back on the treadmill, my PCOS will hop back into remission.
What is ironic to me is that if it was not for wls, I would not have the tools to fight PCOS because I would not be in the gym, I would not be eat ting a diet low in fat and carbohydrate's and I would not be free of type 2 diabetes thus showing the symptoms on PCOS instead of diabetes in order to properly treat this.
Yes, I am severely concerned because I guess I though when the diabetes was gone so were my issues. But, I guess that is what I get for thinking?! I am just thankful that the Lord put into my life a team of Doctors that listen to what I am telling them and work to treat my symptoms in a timely, professionally manor. Dr. Mickelson and Dr. Rosenblatt have never discounted me as a needy over concerned person in which I am a dollar sign instead of a person. They are caring and concerned for my well being, and for that I am completely grateful that through their training I am getting the best care available.

More Kitchen stuff

2008-10-19T17:10:00.004-04:00

On my continuel quest to get the most outta my time, money, energy and home I have found a few more things that I will be adding to my kitchen cleaning list:
Weekly
Drains: Pour 1/4 cup baking soda down sink drain, then 1/4 cup vinegar. Let sit
for 5 minutes. Run hot water down drain to flush through to refreshen garbage disposal
Monthly
Make Kitchen ABC(anticbacterial cleaner)

I never would have ever thought of making my own cleaner but in effort to stretch my budgeting dollar, I found this web site http://www.elanaspantry.com/ & recipe of "green" kitchen abc:

"Why make your own cleaning products? Why go through the bother? To save money and protect the environment, of course! You can pay upwards of $4 for a bottle of cleaning spray or, you can easily make it yourself for less!
Elana’s Kitchen Cleaner
1 (16) ounce spray bottle
8 ounces peroxide
8 ounces water
5 drops tea tree oil
5 drops lemon oil

Pour all ingredients into spray bottle
Shake well
Spray on counter surfaces and wipe with a clean rag

You can see the price difference between making your own cleaning product and purchasing it:
DIY Spray (initial cost includes price of bottle)
$3.57 for 16 ounces
DIY Spray (refill cost)
$1.70 for 16 ounces ($.09 per ounce)
Fantastic All-Purpose Cleaner
$4.86 for 32 ounces ($.15 per ounce)"

Or, if like me, you can reuse the Fantastic bottle and cut down your initial cost!! Plus the convience of refilling when you need it instead of having to wait until grocery day or making a special trip to Target! Cha-Ching!! Please deduct 5.00 from my grocery bill!!!

P.S.
Make your own Glass Cleaner too!
Homemade Glass Cleaner Recipe
Mix in a sprayer bottle:
1 cup rubbing (isopropyl) alcohol,1 cup water,1 tablespoon white vinegar

Scheduling the Kitchen

2008-10-16T18:58:00.003-04:00

I found this great info & wanted to share it! In an effort to get my life my organized & on a schedule I have been investing some time in finding the best way to manage(minimize) my time cleaning so that I have more time to do the other(more important) things that I need to get done and not feal as if I am neglecting my (biblical)responsiblities to keep my home clean. This particular piece was on spead cleaning your kitchen, which is where I am starting!

When cleaning the kitchen always start with the sink. A sparkling sink becomes your kitchen's benchmark for hygiene and tidiness, inspiring you to load the dishwasher immediately and keep counters, refrigerator doors, and the stove top spick-and-span, too.

Every Day- 4 1/2 minutes!
Wipe down the sink after doing the dishes or loading the dishwasher (30 seconds).
Wipe down the stove top (one minute).
Wipe down the counters (one minute).
Sweep, Swiffer, or vacuum the floor (two minutes).
Every Week-21 minutes per week!
Mop the floor (five minutes).
Wipe the cabinets, backsplashes, and appliances (10 minutes).
Wash the dish rack (four minutes).
Wipe the switch plates and phone (one minute).
Wipe the inside of the garbage can (one minute).
Every Season-1hour 25 minutes every three months!
Empty and scrub down the inside of the refrigerator (30 minutes).
Empty and clean the insides of the utensil drawers (15 minutes).
Scrub down the cupboard exteriors (30 minutes).
Clean the stove-hood filter (10 minutes).
Perform "Shiny Sink 101"

Shiny Sink 101
Adapted from www.FlyLady.net (a.k.a. Marla Cilley)1. Fill sink to the rim with very hot water; add one cup regular bleach. Soak for one hour. 2. Drain and rinse thoroughly. 3. Scrub with Ajax, Bon Ami, or baking soda. 4. Be sure to rinse thoroughly. 5. Shine with Windex or another glass-cleaning spray. Dry thoroughly.

Cleaning Supplies to Keep in the Kitchen
Clorox Disinfecting Wipes: for all hard, nonwood surfaces. They leave a fresh, nonchemical scent.
Windex Glass and Surface Wipes: for windows and chrome.Bleach. (See Shiny Sink 101.)
Ajax, Bon Ami, or baking soda. (See Shiny Sink 101.)Microfiber cloths and mops for an alternatives to chemical cleaners and paper towels. For cleaning all surfaces. Especially effective for polishing stainless steel.
Clorox ReadyMop: Wash the floor without a bucket. Works on most surfaces.
Broom, Swiffer, or handheld vacuum: for crumb busting.

Ok, so I think I can handle 4 1/2 minutes a day. And it is my goal starting tomorrow to clean in this manor at the same time everyday. Like after breakfast, sounds like a good place to start!

PS. I did not find those books by Emilie Barnes I was looking for but would like too! Maybe for christmas,eh?

Darkenss and Light

2008-10-16T14:46:00.003-04:00

Ever you ever felt as if you are trapped in a vortex of darkness and dispair? You try to find your way toward the light, and everytime you think that you have found the way out you have actaully only found a mirage just like in the desert. Days, weeks and months pass and you muddle your way through. Sometimes, you actually do ok haning out there in the darkness not realizing that you could have/be so much more in the light. But most days, you get a glimpse of the light and it reminds you of all that you could have/be. Then the tormenting question begins " Do I stay here and make the best of being miserable or so I search for the light again?"Each day you wrestle with this question until you ultimately decide that the current life that your living is not really living at all. So you begin to search. And search. And search. Day after day you search and suddenly one day you finally reach the light. You are happy! So happy!! You have worked so hard to get to where you are at, then one day you are swept up from the light into a whirl wind only to be placed back down into a place that you do not know. Are you in the light or in the darkness?? Where are you exactly? You have no idea but you are back to searching again. You are tired, emotional, and even angry. Don't you deserve to live in the light and be happy? Why do these things keep happening to you? You fight to make sense of what it happening, but you feal as if you failed somehow. Failed yourself, failed you family, and failed you relationship with Christ. Deep inside you know that the whirl wind was not your fault, yet there is an overwhelming sense of failure and sadness. What should you do now is all you can think? You know you are at a cross roads, to stay where you are at or continue to once again search for the light.
That is exactly the way I feal after having weight loss surgery, I lived in the darkenss for so long and then after I had wls I muddled through for a while until I finally got to where I was happy with myself, my life and my weight. Then life happened, and I was tossed into the air dealing with these happenings. Now, I am at a cross roads as to what to do next or where to go to be "back in the light" again. I feal as if I have finally delt successfully my most of my past issues, and now it is the issues of the moment that are weighing me down. I guess I thought that my life has been so full of issues, heartache and sadness that maybe it was my time to have happiness, love and success. How foolish of me!! Happiness again, is just beyond my graps. Maybe this is the burden I am meant to bare. Maybe having success in life will never be achievable to me.But what ever my destiny is I know that I walked in light for a moment and that was enough to make my search in pursuit of it for the rest of my days until I find it again.

43 to go

2008-10-14T12:52:00.003-04:00

It has been 8 1/2 months since my weight loss surgery and I have lost 143 pounds. At 222 lbs, I have 43 pounds to go to get to my goal weight. I picked the goal weight of 179, since I will be exactly 200 away from my highest weight. My weight loss has slowed down to a steady nothingness, and I have been stationary in the 22o's for what seems like forever. I knew the weight loss would slow down, but I guess I never thought it would happen to me. I know, how funny it is to think that. Yet, I did. Now, I am doing something called the five day pouch test, which takes me eatting back to the way to was eatting right after surgery to help me recapture control of my eatting and weightloss. Day 1 & 2 are liquids only, Day 3 is soft protien like canned tuna and chicken, Day 4 is ground protien like beef or turkey and Day 5 is Fish, Steak, or Poultry with complex carb's like broccoli or green beans. This test helps break the carbohydrate cycle that somepeople find themselves in, like me. And restores the "tightness" in your pouch that is common right after surgery to help you realize when you are full. I have done this test once before, and had great success with it, loosing 8 pounds in one week. With 43 pounds to go, and a goal of Dec 8th, I need to get my sight set back on the prize. This week, I have been to the gym both Monday and Today. Although, I am fighting serious fatigue again which is playing a large part inbeing unable to find a routine the works for us. It is my desire to get back to the gym both Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday morning. The last couple of weeks, I have become complacent in my eatting and letting the "carbohydrate" monster take over. I have choosen this week to take back my eatting and my scheduling issues. I am heading out the door here in few minutes to go and look for a book by Emilie Barnes called Finding more hours in my day or Secrets to a Simple Beautiful Home.She is a christain author and should have some good idea's in the area's of homemaking and scheduling. The eatting area is just as simple as getting back to basics. I am optimistic that through prayer and seeking I can find the answer to these obstacles.We each have our struggles and these in the current moment are mine!

Schedule Frustration

2008-10-13T16:53:00.002-04:00

When my son was born, within weeks, I had him on a schedule. He thrived and I loved every minute of having a consistent daily routine. For the first 18 months of his life on this earth, we did everything by a schedule. I read everything I could get my hands on about creating a family routine, a healthy sleep schedule and how to readjust after not being on a routine after a busy event. Then is seems as if his second birthday came along with his independence and out the window went my schedule. And I feal as if I have been a day late and a dollar short ever since. My sister, if she is reading this, is laughing. She has the antiroutine, where her girls sleep when they are tired and eat in the same manor. If her oldest naps, that is great. And if not, that is great too. All of which works for them. For us? If pen has not put it to paper, then there is no way I am going to get it done. Yet, try as I might, I can not seem to nail down a schedule that will work for us. It is making me mad, I tell you!!! Where am I going wrong? What am I missing? I am not sure!! But something must change because I feel as if I am getting nowhere faster and faster.
I have agreed to homeschool Korbin for preschool, and this is literally kicking my butt. I am wondering with each passing day when Christmas break is going to get here. However, if I don't get it together, there will be no christmas break because we will be too far behind. As it is now, I feel as if I am working 24/7, by christmas without a break I will be insane for sure.
For along time after my surgery, I felt a since of peace because my outsides were finally starting to match my insides, physically. Then I began cleaning my home and my emotions to help them to match my new physical inside/outside person.Getting rid of alot of the junk that was laying around my home and my heart gathering dust that I did not need anymore. However, now I feel like I am back to this inside/outside cluttered wreck. That sense of peace is gone and I am crying these days at the drop of a hat. I am not sure where I took the wrong turn, but I need to get back to the express way and quick!!!
My schedule, my life and my emotions are outta wack again, and who knows for what good reason? Did I take on too much with homeschool Korbin? Possibly, but it is such a sense of joy when it gets accomplished. Did I take on too much period? Maybe, but exactly what mother doesn't? All I know that it is taking far too long to identify the problem, than I have to fix it. The question at hand is, what to do about all of this madness?My first inclination is to give up my schedule and decide what needs to go. Then, what needs to stay. And then what needs to be added. Then, I need to create a school/Korbin schedule, A home schedule and then a Kristy schedule and mesh the three together. It sounds so simple. Almost too simple, in fact. But it is too simple to actually work...............

New Presidential Canidate

2008-10-03T10:14:00.003-04:00

Korbin for President in 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just for Fun

2008-10-01T13:50:00.005-04:00

Soon to be Vice President of the United States, Sarah Palin has picked out an All-American set of names for her children. There's Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper.
Ever wonder, What would your name be if Sarah Palin was your mother? Check out this site, it's all in the name of fun!
http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html
If S.P was my mom, my name would be Molten Contra Palin...he he he. That is totally something I would use too!! Lol!!
What would your name be???

New Hair Cut

2008-09-25T13:25:00.006-04:00

I took Korbin on Wednesday to his personal barber (Miss Sherri, his Best Friends mom) to have his hair trimmed. It wasn't until he got out of her chair that I realized that my baby is growing up right before my very eyes! It is amazing that something as mundane as a haircut can snap you back into rememberence that childhood is fleeting, and that we should take every moment to enjoy our children at these tender ages before you turn around twice and they are grown. In the picture to the right, Korbin was wearing the "B" necklace we made in preschool, taken 2 weeks ago. The photo above, was taken after his new haircut. Can you see how much difference one hair cut can make??>tear< My baby is growing up!*Sigh*

My Workout Play List

2008-09-24T16:58:00.003-04:00

It took me forever to find a clean play list for my ipod. I usually listen to contemporary Christan music but there was nothing that I could find with a fast beat to run to. So, I began the long tedious task of finding something that had a good beat but would not ruin my Christan testimony if someone were to ask "what's on your ipod?" After three months of work, here is what I have come up with:

All-American Girl by Carrie Underwood
Survivor by Destiny's Child
Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie
Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani
Don't you know your Beautiful by Kellie Pickler
No Air by Jordan Sparks
Miss Indepedant by Kelly Clarkston
Unwritten by Natasha Bettingfield
Everybody's Got thier Something by Nikki Costa
Sos by Riahanna
Picture to Burn by Taylor Swift
Who says you can't go home by Sugarland featuring Bon Jovi
Should've said No by Taylor Swift
Life is a Highway by Rascall Flatts
Back when I knew it all by Montergomery Gentry
My Town by Montergomery Gentry
Me & My Gang by Rascall Flatts
Our Song by Taylor Swift
Pocket Full of Sunshine by Natasha Bettingfield
Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefai featuring Akon
Red High Heels by Kelli Pickler
Tatto by Jordon Sparks
Me & Charlie by Maranda Lambert

Keep in mind, these are not perfect but clean enough with a strong back beat to get my blood flowing through my workout. I may add more songs in the future but for now, these are good enough.

The End of the Beginning

2008-09-22T12:14:00.002-04:00

Saturday was my last day at my super-stressful telephone job. It was a combination of things that ended this three week stresser for me, but the clincher was when I was told on saturday my friday night shift was elective and I was not getting paid for it in which I had spent the entire day away from my son, for naught.
I cam home relieved, terrified and crying. My life was turned upside down, and I distested where we were going. Nothing was getting accomplished and I was physically and emotionally exhausted.Yet, I felt as if I had failed. Rod needs me to bring in some extra income and yet, I couldn't. Not there anyway.
Thankfully, I still have my homecare job. I love working with these elderly people. Although, I do not see my future in working with the elderly, I love it right now and charish the experience. This position, indeed, is where I am meant to be. It should have been a no brainer when the scheduler told me a week ago that she had extra hours for me. But, I always have to try things my way first.When will I learn?
I am recouping today, and not doing much. I am still physically drained. I almost feel as I did those first months after surgery; I can barely hold my head up. I am looking forward to getting back to the gym tomorrow. I love running, and the sweat dripping down my face. There is something about that which clears my head and helps me to gain perspective. I am looking forward to cementing a school schedule with Korbin and reclaiming my days from stress and exhaustion. This week has the prespective to be a good week. God is Good!!
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me Phillippians 4 :15

Looking for the Signs

2008-09-18T12:08:00.003-04:00

Since I started this new job, I've had some serious anxiety, to say the least. I hate leaving Korbin 5 days a week. I hate not being here when Rod gets home from work. I hate being hung up on or yelled at. I hate not being in church Wednesday nights. I hate the general disruption I feel in my soul because life is chaotic on a daily basis. Fridays and Sundays are my only days off and they are filled with errands. There is no relief from the stress or relaxation from the day's happenings. I feel as if I am one big ball of stress, and it is taking it's toll again because the exhaustion I felt in the beginning of my wls surgery has returned.
When I envisioned this year, I saw a full year of bonding with my little guy as it is his last year at home before heading off to school. I saw a focus on getting myself healthy before trying to expand our family. I saw enjoying date nights with my husband once a month, doing new things and revisiting old places with fond memories.
However, what is currently enveloping our life is not at all what I thought is was going to be. Something has to change!!
So, when my hubby told me that his company may be going back to mandatory 12's until Christmas, I took it as a sign that this job is not for me. Maybe I should have taken that this job was not for me when I could not find a sitter that could be here when I needed him/ her without other obligations. Maybe I should have taken the disruption in my being as a sign. Maybe I should have let God "supply all our needs" instead of taking matters into my own hands. But alas, I did not. As a result, here I am. Stressed.
Rod's 12's are scheduled to begin the week of Oct 7th, which will be my last week at my telephone job.I am a little sad, because I wanted to be able to help out financially. I wanted to have a little extra money to buy some new clothes that I so desperately need. I wanted to be able to buy my husband a Christmas gift without wondering where the money is going to come from to do so. Apparently, those are my wants and not God's plans for me/us.
I do not know where we go from here. I just know where ever it is, it will not be with me working at the place I am at now?!

Stressed, tired and emotional!

2008-09-17T10:11:00.003-04:00

I am experiencing a gamut of emotions as of late. There is just so much going on in our lives right now, I am just not sure which is the correct path to follow.First, this job that I have just is not working out for us. I am severely stressed because of the sales aspect, I am coming to realize that I am just not a sales person. I like the hours, however, Korbin and Rod do not like them so much. It is stressing Rod to get Korbin each night, and where exactly he is gonna end up since we can not seem to get a permanent sitter for the hour and a half that we need him/her each night. I promised my sister I would try it for at least a month before I/We made any decisions. I finally got a chance to chat with the person who does the scheduling at my home care position, and they can get me some more hours to compensate for this other position if it does not work out. I guess I am just really unsure which path to follow regarding the work situation. I love working with the lady that I work with in my home care job. It is that soft spot I have for her that caused me to keep this position when I got the job with my sister, instead of quitting. But, in all honestly, I just want one job where I can work two nights a week, make my 100+ dollars and then fill in with my home care lady. This working everyday, even if it only a couple hours a day, is wearing me out!! Korbin and his schooling should be my primary focus right now, instead, it has been put on the back burner because of everything that is going on including me getting to work every night by 5:30.Another thing that I was afraid of happening has indeed happened, I am so busy trying to get errands done, do laundry, cook meals, clean house, school Korbin, and get a sitter and get to work that there is no time to pay attention to what I am eating and get to the gym!! I am thankful that God gave me the option to try and make this work, and I am also glad that He gave me the wisdom to realize that this is not working. Now, I pray that He will give me the wisdom to make the right decision what to do next!!

Praying for Joy!

2008-09-16T14:01:00.003-04:00

My husband met his best friend, whom I will affectionately call "Fred" for the sake of privacy, in the 5 th grade. So, when we got married making Fred his best man, was an obvious choice. Three years later, when Fred met the love of his life, "Ethel", my husband was Fred's best man. In April, Fred & Ethel welcomed a beautiful little baby girl into the world, whom we will Joy.
Joy has been a happy baby, with beautiful brown hair and blue eyes that gives smiles away for a wink and thinks her daddy is her hero.
No one ever would have guessed that this beautiful, gift from God would be in the hospital fighting for her life. Thursday afternoon, Joy's dad, her hero took his daughter to the ER because he knew something "was not right" with his little girl. Several hours later, Joy was life flighted from one hospital to the local childrens' hospital two hours away because her blood count was unstable and there was a large mass protruding from her right side.
After several tests several days later, they have diagnosed Joy with a form of kidney cancer that is commonly found in children under the age of two. Her doctors believe that the cancer is just contained to the kidney area, and plan to remove her kidney and the tumor this week. However, last evening the results of another test revealed a spot on her liver. The doctors believe it is a tangled mass of cells because the tumor is pushing her organs and other insides into other places, but they want to rule out the cancer spreading prior to surgery.
It is hard to see Joy a once vibrate baby just laying in a hospital crib. It is even harder to see Fred and Ethel hurting for thier young daughter without an explaination why.
I am not telling you this, because I needed something else to blog about. I am telling you this because I believe in the power of prayer and my friends and thier child need all of the prayers that they can get right now. And honestly, it is all I know to for them!!
I would take this all away if I could. I would heal thier daughter from this awful disease. I would give them back thier peace of mind, and thier comfort that that they once had. I would do anything I could to help them wake up from this awful dream that has become thier life!! But all I can do if pray for them, remind them of God's sovernty in the midst of trails, and His grace. All I can do is be there for them during this time and ask God to heal Joy and return her to full health. All I can do is pray! Please, I am asking anyone who reads this: Please pray for my friends and God to heal and restore thier Joy !!!!!

New week, same stress!

2008-09-09T10:03:00.003-04:00

Last weeks stresses seems to be carrying over into this week. Rod's gout is bothering him, and by the time I got home last night, his big toe was almost the size of his heal. Thank the Lord, that the Dr. refilled his prescription without requiring an appointment.But he is in a lot of pain until the medication begins to work. I am equally thankful that the Lord provided a sitter for Korbin, I felt very at ease leaving Korbin with Sarah last night. She has sat for him in the past, she is a Christan and she doesn't take his attitude but she is not on a power trip about her authority so she is not mean to him. I could breathe a sigh of relief, for half a second. I did not make any sales last night, and I realized that I missed my phone time for last week by 1.89!! So, something has to break soon.
I never realized that my reentry into the working world would be this stressful. Honestly, I am not sure I can make this work. I will give it ago, but I am not confident. Which is sad, because since I have lost a significant amount of weight, I have gained a lot of self confidence. However, this is uncharted waters for me and I am not as "natural" at it as I would like to be.
I am still praying the Rod's company will come through and provide and adquate raise. This would elevate some burden, I would still have to have a job until some of our past isssues are paid off, but I would know that there is an end in sight!!
It's not really that I have a problem working. It's that I feal that my primary job is to care for my child, husband and home and I am just not doing that to my satisfaction. I know that when Korbin stays up crying, that this is not an okey-dokey thing.
Ugh!! If I could put into words the thoughts and fealing that race through my being at this very moment: I am very grateful to God for giving my a chance to help my husband and our family dig our way out of this hole we are in. His provision is evident. I just have no peace in this position. I wish that I did?! I am thankful for Rod's job; with or without a raise. I am thankful for a qualified, loving sitter for Korbin. I am just concerned with where we are headed, the stress is knotting in my shoulders and I need to head to the gym for a run and relieve this stress and clear my head....

Saturday Surprise

2008-09-06T17:47:00.003-04:00

Today was a long day for me as it began at 5:45 am when the alarm sounded. I hit it once, and woke up at 6am.When I jumped on the scale this morning, it said 233. So long to 2 more pounds. Then it was out the door at 6:40 to be at my home care job at 6:50, 10 minutes early because I needed to leave early to be at my new job at 9am. I worked there from 9-12:30, where I successfully avoided the temptations of the two boxes of donuts. However, I did not "make my week" with anymore sales. Disheartened, I headed home.
When I got home, I heard one very happy little boy yelling through the opened windows of our apartment "Mommy!Mommy!". It was then, that I was faced with a wonderful surprise: a made bed, folded laundry and a dishwasher emptied and refilled!!!
To some, that might not mean a lot, but to me it meant more than I could formulate into words at the time.I hope the smile on my face could say everything to my husband that I couldn't. As I recall the flood of emotion that I felt this morning, tears begin to well in my eyes.
Work is extremely overwhelming for me, and stressful. The manager at this company is known for just "recognizing" when people are not gonna work out and relieving them of their position without much warning. This is very nerve wracking to me because I am trying my best, but I have not even been there a full week yet, and I do not want to be one that randomly does not work out.So most of the morning I felt really inadequate, like Rod and Korbin were counting on me and I had let them down by not making a sale today and securing my position there for another day.
Yet, when I arrived home and seen that Rod had tended to some of my daily chores, I felt very respected. As if he does realize how hard I am working to take care of my self, our home, Korbin and his education, and now a part time job. I've got alot on my plate right now, and for Rod to help out without being asked or a list, that made my week!!! Then, when Michigan scored a touch down in the 4th quater against Miami and won the game 16 to 6...well that sweetened the deal!!!!!!!

Ding! Kristy's gotta Sale!!

2008-09-05T09:48:00.002-04:00

Last night I went to work, a little more calm than I spent the day. God is good and when I prayed for Him to calm my nervous, He did just that. I spent my entire 3 1/2 hours on the phone, and only breaking once to use the restroom. Then, after 3/4 of the way through the night, God blessed me with a sale!! At first, I was not very excited because the lady wanted an invoice but later I was told that it counts toward my weekly goal. So then I got excited!! However, Rod's day was not as exciting as mine. In the companies Rah Rah meeting, they annouced another person was recieving the promotion that Rod was hoping would be offered to him. His ego was some what deflated when I arrived home at 9pm. My heart really went out to him and any happiness I felt towards success that evening was gone. I wanted to jump on top of the couch and yell into the phone of Rod's boss about how are he has worked and how deserving he is of this promotion and more. However, I sat there and listened to his heartache and heard something in his voice I had not heard in a long time, hope. He was not giving up and intended to fight for a high position within this company because he believed in it and wanted to be apart of thier long term visions and goals. This was not a typical Rod statement and my heart leap with pure joy as I could hear how the Lord was working in Rod.
I went to bed last night completely thankful for the days events, even if some of them came in unexpectant packages. The Lord is good and His provision is amazing!! I am not sure how He is gonna work things out here for us on the job front but He showed me tonight, He is in control and I trust Him, He has never failed me/us before!

The emotion of stress

2008-09-04T15:41:00.004-04:00

I am so very, very, very tired!! The week began with Korbin being up most of the night with a fever, that lead into the first day of home school, which lead into the first day of my new job. I am extremely tired and very emotional. Wednesday nights are our church nights and instead of being in church with my family, I was in a call center being hung up on.All I could think of was "This is not where I am suppose to be!". I know that it is my job as a help mate to help my husband and if my husband believes that I need to work to bring more revenue into our home, then that is what I will do. But man-o-man, I never realized how draining, both emotionally and physically, and stressful it would be.And this is just day #2!!! I just keep praying that God will be merciful and grant our request for a raise/promotion for Rod during his review in the upcoming days.
Last night during my 6 hour shift, I got a brief introduction to the company who now writes my paychecks, then it was off to the phones. I was completely intimidated!! There is a minimum number of calls I need to make, a script I need to follow and a dollar amount I need to achieve each week. The pressure is on!! What if I can not preform up to their demands? My home care job does not require this type of stress at all, and reminds me more of my banking days. Which, for the record, were not fun and very hard core competitive for sales and customer service. The banking job of today is nothing like it was in the past and is no posh job.
I am off to night number two, and I will be on the phone with customers for 3 1/2 hours tonight in which I am praying that I can make a sale!! I am praying that God will calm my nerves and help me to be productive and help me to achieve my goals. My success or failure is completely depended upon the Lord, and I pray the He will equip me for what lies ahead.Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengths me". I am also praying that if it is His will that I stay at this position, that He will give me the wisdom to do all the things that I need to do in a day and the stamina to get it all done. I am praying that He will put quality, relyable sitters for Korbin in our path. More than anything I am praying that will reveal His will for my life, because I want to give Him honor & glory through my life and it's happenings and I am just confused how to be all things to all people!!

First Day Back to Work

2008-09-03T11:42:00.001-04:00

Today is my first day at my "new" job. As you may recall, back in March, I started doing homecare one day a week. I love this job, but 2 hours a week was not getting us anywhere financially. I tried to talk to the person who does our scheduling, unfortunately, she does not have anything available for me to work in the hours I am available when Rod is home. So this left me to find something else where. Fortunately, my sisters company was hiring and the hours are right, so I applied and the offered my the position and I accepted. Today, is my first day and Rod's parents are coming down to watch Korbin while I head in for training at 2:30
I am slightly intimidated with the thought of going back to work a full 20 hours a week. I am enjoying the thought of a pay check but nervous that I will not be able to preform up to par. It has been 4 years next month that I have been in a office to work. I remember the stress, and I am not relishing in the idea of having this stress in my life again. I am currently stressed enough with getting Korbin's homeschooling off the ground and finding us a home to rent/buy in Oakland county. I am already wearing 52 hats, how many more can I wear without dropping something.
However, Rod and I have said that we we will revaluate things after christmas, and see if we are still in the need for me to work. Which is 3 months from now, and I am sure that I can handle three months of madness, if necessary. I love the thought of making my own money and fealing like a contributing member of our household. But at the same time, Korbin's child care for the 1 1/2 hours that over laps where I leave and Rod gets home, is up in the air. I am extremely picky who watchs my boy, so just not anyone will do. This is causing me alot of anxiety.
Plus, my sisters name is on the line. If I get in there and can't do things as well as she can, I might make her look bad. This is another source of stress for me. This is not just a group of kids hanging out in highschool and I am afraid she will make me look bad. This is someone's livelyhood we are talking about. She put her name and repuatation on the line for me, this is a very big deal in my family. It is one of the few things my dad stresses to us- your name & your word is all you have becareful who you give it too.
Needless to say, this morning has been kinda emotional for me. Especially when Korbin keeps asking me why I have to go to work, mommies aren't suppose to work. All I can say is that, "I wish that were true my darling, I wish that were true". But on the positive side, I have been very privilaged to stay home with him for this long. It has been amazing and something that alot of mothers do not get the chance to do. So, I guess this as a good of time as any to go back out into the work force?! Right?

First Day or Preschool

2008-09-02T16:13:00.004-04:00

Today was Korbin's first day of Preschool at the Last Name Academy for (almost) 4- year old's enrollment of one. In August, I ordered the Hands on Homeschooling Curriculum and today we began a modified version of the first weeks activities.
After the Tiger game on Saturday, Korbin came down with a virus that leaves small sores on his throat and a tempature for 103/104. The doctor said it typically take 4-6 days to run it's course, and the reason no one in our house has been sleeping well since Saturday night. Last night was no exception as Korbin was up at 5:30 in the morning until Rod left for work at 7:30, then he fell asleep while listening to Patch the Pirate in his bedroom. He slept until 11 am, when I finally woke him up.
So, we began our school work at 12:30 after lunch and was done by 2:30 with everything. Things went pretty well, considering he was not fealing his best. Korbin did really well with recognizing his letter "A" and thier sounds, but got really discouraged with no being able to write them they way he wanted to. The work sheets have the lines for the Kids to trace, but Korbin kept telling me that his hand won't go where he wants it to!! Today we did our bible story and craft, an "A" work sheet, a coloring page and a dry erase book for math along with a puzzle. I think everything went pretty well today. We'll see how the rest of the week goes...........

Fall is coming!!!!!

2008-09-01T09:54:00.003-04:00

I love the fall!!! The attraction to this beautiful season as that of a cat to catnip. I love the slight breeze in the air, the smell of warm apple cider and the color of the leaves on the ground. I like the transition of shorts to sweaters, sunscreen to Halloween and Thanksgiving to Christmas. Christmas is the most enjoyable time of the year for me, I am the proverbial kid in a candy store. It use to be that I would wish away my fall days right into the Christmas season. But as I grow older, I enjoy the season preceding Christmas just as much!
Today, I got in the box that housed my fall decorations and began placing pumkins, leaves and pinecones around the house. I really enjoyed placing the Harvest decorations in thier spots and began to get more excited to go and do our tradition fall activities in the coming weeks: the Ladies at the end of September, the Couples retreat in early October, our annual trip to the apple orchard, Halloween, and Saturdays spent watching College football that gives way to the RedWings season opener.
This fall holds a particular special place in my heart this year, as it will be the last fall that Korbin will be home and not in school. It is very sobering to think of how quickly he has grown, and even more quickly time has flown by.
I am going to enjoy this new season of my life, as my 7 month annivigersary of my surgery has just past and I am 130 pounds thinner than I was at this time last year.The scale now reads 235, and I just missed my monthly weight loss goal for August by 2 pounds. I have a lofty goal this month of 22 pounds to loose and it is going to take some determination but I honestly believe that it is obtainable.
As well as going into this new season with a new weight, I am also going into this season with a new job. Last Thursday, I interviewed and was hired to do inside sales for an appliance/electronic company Monday- Thursday 5:30-9:00pm and 9am-12:30 on Saturdays. Which still enables me to keep my homecare position on Saturday mornings, at least for the time being.
I knew that fall was on it's way when Saturday evening at the Tiger Game, Korbin and I both had on jackets and were wishing for blankets. It was a wonderful way to end our summer, I just wish the Tigers had ended thier game on a equally high note. I wish you all a fabulous fall and looking forward to enjoying some of our fall days with you!!!!

Qualifiying the Called

2008-08-21T22:24:00.005-04:00

This week ends the last week before our homeschooling adventure begins. Next week, is my last week of preparation. Korbin will be spending two days at his Mamaw and Papaws, so that I can get everything accomplished that I need too. Although I bought a curriculum geared towards four year olds, there is so much prep work to do that I will actually be happy when the school work begins. To be honest, I am not sure exactly how to do this. I have a plan, and a schedule, a desire and a prayer. I am completely scared to death!!! What if I can not do this? What if Korbin can not learn from me, I have no formal teaching education? What if being a wife, a mother, a teacher, a displinarian, a secertary, a cook, a sister, aunt, friend, daughter( or in-law),christain, and weight loss surgery patient is too much ofr me to handle? Have I bitten off more than I can chew?? The question I keep asking myself; Is the risk worth the reward? The same question I had to ask myself over and over again before my surgery, where the answer was/is a resounding yes!!!!! I am not sure if I realized how much work was involved when I began this adventure nor did I realize how similar the path between homeschooling mirrors my weightloss journey. All I know is that, thank you Bruce, that God does not call the qualified but qualifies the called. That is exactly what has been happening over and over again through a great many experiences I have had through out the last 8 months of 2008. As I type, I look back and remember where I have come from and now, where I am going. I never, ever thought then I would be where I am today. I give God all the Glory for the path He has directed me towards. And the people He has put in my pathway that have encouraged me to be the person who is willing to follow God's direction. Jane, you are my partner in calories, and I appreciate your ramblings more than you know. You inspire me and my weight loss experience would not be the same without you!! Bridget, you are my preschool homeschool mom inspiration. Through your encouragement, I have had the courage to take this step. Your a fantastic mother and a wonderful friend, and I am thankful that God has allowed us to be friends. Sherri and Bruce, Rod and I are so thankful to the Good Lord for wonderful friends like you!! You both ( yes, even Bruce!) always seem to know what to say. Thank you for listening to the Lord, your marriage and home reflects your desire to be closer to Him. You both will never know how much it has meant to have you at the hospital for my surgery. I knew my family was in good hands with you both. Melissa, you have inspired me to be mother that I desired to be in my heart. You have been a wonderful, Godly example to be and I am amazed how our relationship has grown into something wonderful through frantic phone calls asking "what do I do now". You always have great advice for me, and I am so thankful for your wisdom and guidence. To my beautiful sister, I love you so!!! You are apart of my soul and I am thankful for you everyday and I pray that God will do a work in and through your life. There are so many people that God has placed in my life, that I can truly see that God indeed qualifies the called not calls the qualified.

Mid month weigh in & Fall Schedule

2008-08-17T17:21:00.003-04:00

It's the middle of August and I have done my mid month weigh in and...drum roll pluh-eaze....I have lost 7 more pounds for a grand total of 124 pounds in six 1/2 months. I will do my weigh in again on my anniversary date on 8/29. It has been a hard month so far because I am just coming off a two 1/2 week platuea where I did not loose an ounce since the end of July. It was very, very frustrating to get on the scale for that long and see no results whatsoever!!! So, I dropped my calories from 900 per day to 750 and upped my exerise from 2 days a week to 4 days a week. That seemed to have made an impact because the scale is moving again. It is my monthly goal to loose 15 pounds this month, so I am 8 pounds away right now. It is achievable and I am going to work to get that accomplished. I just found out this past week that they are closing the pool at our gym for a week for maintence, then the whole facility the first week in September. I like having a clean place to work out so I am trying not to be cheesed, although that is not easy.
I have been having a real issue getting any sort of exerise in on Mondays, the day is just so rough. It is as if I am recovering from the week end and the only real thing I get accomplished is getting my house back in working order again. Tuesdays are the Mondays of my exerise week, then everything falls into place. Today, it is my goal to write out a realistic schedule for the fall. I attempted to put one together for the summer, and that lasted for about a week. However, we need to get back to a routine! I think we are all looking forward to the regularity of a schedule. The summers are great, but now I am ready to move into our preschool world. I know Korbin is because he askes often when is school starting? Strangely enough, I am looking forward to teaching him. Not every parent is blessed enough to be the one to teach thier children to write thier name and to read. The only concern I have in making this schedule is making enough time for everything. I have discovered I really like a schedule and need one in order to make the things happen here that need to happen everyday.However, I need to plan in my days, some unplanned time that I can do whatever I choose and be spontanious if I want. I am a little unsure how to do this but I know that I can, it just might take being a little creative. I just don't want to get creative with my exerise routine or Korbin's school time. Those are where I draw the line. Well, those are my ramblings for the day!!! I'll post an example schedule when I am done, wish me luck?!

New Respect for Teachers!!

2008-08-12T17:51:00.002-04:00

Since Korbins preschool stuff arrived more than 10 days ago, I have been consumed with reading through the teachers manual, buying school supplies, reading books, printing worksheets, making notes, etc, etc, etc!! I have one child to school and I am completely overwhelmed with the preparation and chores that begin even before the "school year" begins. We have planned to begin the Tuesday right after Labor Day, which is September 2 this year. I have a little more than 2 weeks to get it all done! I have never had any grand intention to be a teacher, of any kind. However, I was completely aware that as a mother, I was put into this role by God himself, and I would gladly accept the challenge to have the blessing of a child in my life. Knowing that I never, ever, ever wanted to teach as a profession imagine my surprise when I began feeling the desire to home school Korbin for preschool instead of sending him to school. I first had this feeling when he was 18 months old and a great deal of people began asking when I was gonna send my baby to school. I was bewildered by the emotional and immediately sought after God to talk Him out of it. I have been talking for almost three years now, and with each plead that I am completely unqualified, the desire grows stronger. Let me stop here and note, that until Korbin was born, I never had the desire to stay home with my children either. I was on the fast track ( or so I thought) to become a private banker at the bank I was working for, then maybe a manager of some sort, the the Vice President or President. See, I had "plans" for my life, and God completely changed those plans right around!! I sometimes wonder if He laughs at me? "Silly Kristy, when are you gonna learn that your life is not your own?" Now, I have anxiety about leaving Korbin for a couple of hours in the childcare room at the YMCA much less in daycare five days a week so I could chase my dream of corporate success. I digress, a friend of ours and the deacon of our church tells me often " God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called". Needless to say, here I sit getting ready to home school my preschooler and secretly enjoying the challenge of the road that lie ahead and the bonding that I will have over the next 9 months with my son. But, man-o-man! These teachers, especially in the private/Christan schools are grossly under paid!!! I just could not imagine doing this for 30+ students. I would be blue bloody bonkers!!!! Maybe it is a calling too? I am just thankful that it is not mine!! However, I have a new respect for those who put in the hours way before the school year even begins and who love their students before even ever meeting them enough to do so. So, as we get closer and closer to beginning another school year, let's remember those teachers in prayer. That they may have the strength, wisdom and dedication to begin and end their school year with integrity, character, and discipline to be a good example to our children while they have them in their care 5 days a week. And if your children are still at home with you, it is never too early to begin bathing your children's teachers in prayer.It is my prayer that Korbins teachers, coaches and advisers will be wonderful example of positive motivation, a love of learning and an impact that can not be made anywhere else, just as some of my teachers did.

Sample Menu

2008-08-05T17:13:00.003-04:00

Alot of people I know, don't know anyone else who has had gastric bypass. I get alot, "So what do you eat?" I thought I would answer that, and post a sample menu:

My Daily Nutrion Goals:

900- 950 calories per day
20 grams of sugar per day or less
50 grams of Carbs or less( and carbs need to come from
complex carbohydrate sources)
32 grams of fat or less
75-100 grams of protien per day or more
=75% Protien
10% Veggies
10% Fruits
10% starch

9am-Breakfast 1 egg, 1 slice whole wheat toast with butter and sugar free jelly

30 minutes after b-fast 16.9 oz bottle of water

8 oz's of crystal light

12 noon-Protien shake

30 minutes after 1 liter of water

3pm Lunch- 2oz's tuna or chicken, 1 tbsp light mayo, 1/2 apple

30 minutes after Lunch finish liter of water

8 oz's Sugar Free Kool-Aid

6pm Dinner- 3oz's lean meat ( chicken,pork, fish or beef), 1/2 cup of veggies, 1/2 cup of fruit

30 minutes after Dinner 1 liter of water

8:30pm - protien shake

30 minutes after that finish my water

Total of this example is 745 calories/20 grams fat/ 74.5 grams protien/ 96.9 oz's of water

In addition to this I take a multivitamen, 2 Sugar free tums for calcuim, 1 iron pill, 1 vitamen C pill, a sublingual B-12, 1 L-Carnitine pill and 2 chewable sugar free benefiber's.

This is what I should be eatting each and everyday. I do, occasionally, make a casserole or mexican dish. Which is where I am thankful that my calories go to 950 because those are the days I really use them all. I do occasionally have a slice of pizza or sugar free frozen custard (Yummm! Bob Jo's); which is rare and a big treat. I do eat potato's, once every two or three weeks. However, I do not eat pasta or rice or white bread. I hope this gives you a glimpse into my "new" eatting pattern. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask!!

The emotion of Fear

2008-08-04T17:01:00.003-04:00

I was hanging up some clothes I got this week end from my sister-n-law. She was nice enough to give me some of the things in her closet that she was no longer wearing. When I recieved the hefty bag full of clothes, I was very excited. I washed them all today and began placing them on hangers, mentally deciding what I had that would go with this piece or that piece. Since Rod and I's clothing budget is next to nothing, I am always more than greatful when someone thinks enough of me to give me something. During this process, I went from being genuinely happy to being down right fearful! All of these clothes, were the size I am in now or a size below. I know, you are asking your self what the problem is? As was I when I began to grapple with these emotions that could not make sense in my brain. What if this is the size were I stopped? What is I can not loose any more weight and I stop here, a long way away from my goal weight? What if I never reached my goal weight? The fear set in that I may too be a failure at this. Last week was the six month anniversary of my weight loss surgery, and to that date( and this one) I've lost 117 pounds. In addition to the 14 pounds that I lost in December which is a grand total of 131 pounds in seven entire months. I know, intellictually, that is nothing to sneeze at. However, the what if monster has decended upon my brain and am questioning my ability to make it to my goal weight of 179 pounds,which I am just 69 pounds away from achieving. I know, so many people would be like look at where you have come from? But I can only look at where I need to go! I NEED to for once finish what I have started and loose this weight that is killing me slowly from the inside out. I am no where near where I need to be, and as far as I have come, I have by no means arrived and still have this fat girl mentallity that I struggle with daily. Unfortunately, unless you have struggled to get out of bed in the morning, or been unable to tie your shoes or prayed to God for more days than not for the fat that you are packing on by the second not to kill you while you sleep; you may not fully understand what I am talking about. I know more poeple than not in this country struggle with thier weight. I know that thier more poeple than not struggle with obesity or morbid obesity. Even with loosing 117 pounds, I am still considered obese at 248 and a BMI of 41.3. Even once I reach my goal weight of 179, my BMI will still consider me to be overweight. In order to have a normal BMI, I would have to weigh 151 pounds. Which is loosing 28 more pounds beyond the 69 I want to loose now(which is a total of 97 more pounds)!! Ahhh...stress!!! And as I type right now, the fear in mounting in my chest and I am close to hyperventilating!! I want to succeed at this... more than you may now!! I want to finally succeed at loosing weight and being healthy. I want to set a good example of living a healthy lifestyle out before my family, so that they themselves may be healthy. But before I can do that, I must not fail at this too. Who knew a bag of clothes would bring out so much emotion? I know that I should be happy with how far I have come, yet I can still only see the fat roll around my midsection and the flab on my arms. I not see how many double chins that I had, instead I just see the fat that hangs around my neck. I can not see what I was, but can only see what I am. And I am afraid of still being where I am right now, in 6 more months. Fear is a strong motivator for me and oftern drives me to do what needs to be done. It is my sincere prayer that God will take this fear and turn it into motivation to continue on this journey and get to where I need to be!

Drink your green tea!!

2008-08-04T09:58:00.003-04:00

This was from Dr. Oz and was sent to me from my friend Nancy. I thought it was great and bares reposting:

6 Reasons to Drink Green Tea

The steady stream of good news about green tea is getting so hard to ignore, that even java junkies are beginning to sip mugs of the deceptively delicate brew. You'd think the daily dose of disease-fighting, inflammation-squelching antioxidants -- long linked with heart protection -- would be enough incentive. But wait . . . there's more! Lots more.

1. Cut Your Cancer RiskSeveral polyphenols -- the potent antioxidants that green tea is famous for -- seem to help keep cancer cells from gaining a foothold in the body by discouraging growth and then suppressing the creation of new blood vessels that tumors need to thrive. Study after study has found that regularly drinking green tea reduces the risk of breast, stomach, esophagus, colon, and prostate cancer.

2. Soothe Your SkinGot a cut, scrape, or bite, and a little leftover green tea? Soak a cotton ball in it. The tea is a natural antiseptic that relieves itching and swelling. Try it on inflamed blemishes, sunburns, or puffy eyelids. But that's not all. Green tea has been shown to help block sun-triggered skin cancer, whether you drink it or apply it directly to the skin -- which is why you're seeing green tea in more and more sunscreens and moisturizers.

3. Steady Your Blood PressureHaving healthy blood pressure -- meaning below 120/80 -- is one thing. Keeping it that way is quite another. But people who sip just half a cup of green tea a day are almost 50% less likely to wind up with hypertension than nondrinkers. Credit goes to the polyphenols again (especially one known as ECGC); they help keep blood vessels from contracting and raising blood pressure.

4. Protect Your -- or Your Mom’s -- MemoryGreen tea may also keep the brain from turning fuzzy. Getting-up-there adults who drink at least two cups a day are half as likely to develop cognitive problems as those who drink less. Why? It appears that the tea's big dose of antioxidants fights the free-radical damage to brain nerves seen in Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

5. Stay YoungThe younger and healthier your arteries are, the younger and healthier you are. So fight plaque buildup in your blood vessels; the sticky stuff increases the risk of heart disease and stroke, adds years to your RealAge, and saps your energy. How much green tea does this vital job take? About 10 ounces a day, which also deters your body from absorbing artery-clogging fat and cholesterol.

6. Lose WeightOh yeah, one more thing. Turns out that green tea speeds up your body's calorie-burning process. In the every-little-bit-counts department, that’s good news!

Purge! Perge! Perge!

2008-07-30T13:15:00.002-04:00

It happened about May or so, when I felt the need to throw out everything I own and start a fresh. Thank the good Lord,my BFF Pam talked me out of it! Because as I go through lot's of random junk, I am finding a few items that I would like to keep. A few. A great deal of the things I thought were important before, suddenly do not hold the same attraction for me. I have this real desire to remove all the things out of the way for "Old Kristy" so "New Kristy" can shine and be bold. I have started to refer to myself pre-wls as "her", which I here is very common. When I think of her I am very saddened by all of the things that she went through and how quickly she had to grow up. By age six, she was worrying about things like food, money and housing. Things that if Korbin had to worry about by that tender age, I would be very upset. I think about how she ate to console herself, and how often she cried because eatting was her only way out. Yet, as much as I understand her and feel a connection with her. I also feel a break, as if we are trully two different people. This is something I read about happening to others in books, however, was unable to see how it was going to happend to me. Somedays, the feelings I have about the past that I share with her is very, very overwhelming. As if someone has punched me in the gut several times over. There are days even at thirty that I still feel the pain of my parents divorce nearly two decades ago or the sting of my granfather dying just days before my 16th birthday and laying him in ground on one of the most important days of a teen agers life. I cry alot and mourn, then force myself to move on because nothing in the fridge is going to take away the pain or anxiety I feel at that very moment. Most often, I realize that I am dealing with this pain for the first time instead of repressing it. I usually carry the memory around with me like a heavy back pack for a day or two then pain I felt like a jab into the ribs is gone. And I am free again until the next wave of emotions hit. It is truelly amazing how God had stood by my side and helped me to deal with these issues, one at a time. Sometimes dealing with them involve a phone call or my dad or my sister to talk things through, but always God is holding my hand walking side by side with me until the ordeal is over. I prayed alot in my presurgery days that God would just take all of this emotional baggage away, and alot He has. But what He hasn't I deal with in the here and now and try to learn something from it. Today, I realized all of these things that I have been holding onto for so long are holding me back. I am not her any longer, and it is time to let go. So, as I purge my closet and drawers, I am also purging my life. To move forward. To be a better wife.A better mommy. A better Kristy. And I am finally at the place, where I am ok with all of that!!

6 months & 5 years

2008-07-29T15:15:00.005-04:00

Today is my six month surg-a-versary and who would have thought that I began 2008 weighing 365 pounds?And now, I have lost 117 pounds in a very short, few months. Thanks to weight loss surgery and the Grace of God. I never would have thought in a million, million years that I would be where I am today, both physically and mentally. I am happier and healthier now than I have been in a very long time. God is good!! I am at this current time, just 69 pounds away from my goal weight and dream of someday being a mother again. In these past months, I have rediscover my zeal for life; and being a good wife and mother. Yes, I would love to have a degree and a part time career someday. But everyday I want to be the best mommy to my little angel I can be and a good wife to the love of my life. There was a time that I had lost that desire, and I am so thankful that through this shed weight I have rediscovered myself. This has been an amazing journey and I am thankful everyday that God has lead me down the path of gastric bypass. I was horrified at the thought in the beginning, not to mention scared. Yet, through many, many people God began to chip away at those fears and reservations and began to replace them with a confidence that is uniquely God inspired. I could have never had the success I have had thus far with the wisdom and guidence of my Lord and Savior. He has given me a wonderful support system, through fantastic friends, an amazing church family and a caring, supportive family. I have the best husband in the world! He makes me nuts and nuts about him all at the same time and I know each day that I have grown into the person I want to become in part to his love. There is something to be said about loving someone when everything is going ok and your on top of the mountain. But what about when the one you love has gained more than 100 pounds, has a disease that could claim thier eye sight or thier limbs if not thier life and cost's you several hundred dollars a month in medicine and doctors bills when you do not have the money to spare. That is the love that Paul describes in the Bible when he compare marriage to Christs love for the church; unwaivering.That is the type of love and commitment Rod and I strive for everyday. We, by no means, have arrived. But, again, through God's grace we can look past eachothers flaws and continue to love eachother like this for the rest of our lives. I am especially reflective of how this surgery has impacted my marriage as this saturday, Rod and I will be married for five years. On August 2, 2003 we said our vows and heard the mutters in the back ground of our reception of the nay sayers who said we wouldn't make it months, much less years. Our life together has been like most, up and down, but we are better for the downs because when we are up, we appreciate it much more and give our gratitude to whom it is due; the Lord of our marriage and our life. These past six months have been amazing- thank you all for sharing it with me. Thank you to all of my married friends who have been such a wonderful example to us- you will never know how truelly much you mean to us. Thank you to all my single friends-you remind me everyday how hard it is to be single and your are doing such a wonderful job at it. I am very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life and would not be where I am today without each of you.~Much Love ~

P.S.

To My wonderful Husband, these past five years with you have been amazing!! I fell in love with you on our first date and keep falling in love with you more everyday. Thank you for standing by my side through it all, and taking your vows to love, honor, and cherish through sickness and health seriously. Your amazing!! I will love you forever and always!! Here is to another fantansic five years, may the honeymoon never end! *Cheers**

New Link

2008-07-23T15:35:00.003-04:00

So, since my wls I have been on a mission to cook things for my family that are healthy and tasty. I am sick to death of all the high fat, preservative filled foods out there that we fill out lives with in the name of convience, or budgeting or lack of knowledge. All three I am guilty of. I want my child(ren) to grow up with a well rounded pallet for things that taste good, are healthy and are enjoyable to eat. When we sit down for dinner, I want to rest in the fact that I am doing something right for my family. Not just something easy.
Ideally, I would buy completely organic things for my family. However, at this stage in the game, we are very budget conscious. Which means, I must take into account how much money I have to spend each week on groceries, wether to buy fresh or frozen chicken.Much less organic, low sodium, low fat options. But I believe there is a way to get it done, I just have to find it!
With all that being said, I am adding a page to my new website www.freewebs.com/rodandkristy called recipes,and another called tips. In these pages, I will list recipes that are budget friendly, family friendly, and healthy. In the tip section, I will share some of my knowledge of comparison shopping, kid friendly finds and any misscellanious tid bits I find that you might be interested in.
As a wife, I want to cook things that make my hubby wanting more when he leaves the table and as a mom, I want to leave the table knowing I just gave my son something that will help him to stay healthy. But, I just really have no idea how to do this.In my experience, it is either good for you or tastes good. Not both. I am in a search for both and will not settle for less. Please check out this section often, as I am just begining it's induction into life and would enjoy your thoughts, feed back or comments. I feel as if I have been set forth on this journey for a particular reason, and if helping just one other person fight childhood obesity, juvenille diabetes, Type II diabetes, heart disease or any other disease or illness that is directly effected by diet and exerise, then I will have fulfill a personal goal of someone else avioding the heart break and tragedy I have been through regarding some of these situations.
I am not a professional anything, no doctor, no nutritionist just chief cook and bottle washer for one very picky extended family and preschooler.Anything that is listed on this site will be for personal use only. Enjoy!!

New Bedding

2008-07-17T15:18:00.002-04:00

In my days as a young, naive wife, I let my husband-to-be pick out the comforter set that would be in our bedroom as a married couple. Little did I realize then, I really did not like this multicolored, plaid quilt that would lay on our bed for the next five years!? By year # 4, I had enough of this comforter that would become my arch nemisis of bed making and began looking for another. Over the last year, I found only one set that I really liked and hinted to anyone that would ask that I wanted this for christmas. However, no one picked up my que's and I took it as a sign, that I was not meant to have it. Saddened by the loss of something I never really had in the first place, I mourned this comforter set for a very long two days and quickly moved on as I had bigger fish to fry right then (getting ready for my surgery).However, I knew my luck (if you believe in luck, and I am not sure that I do) would someday change and I would be destined for a new comforter.Sure enough, at a yard sale I found my new bed room linens and salivated over the chocolate brown and ice crystal blue set. I HAD TO HAVE IT!!!!! With in moments, I become obessed and asked Rod if we could buy it. He said no and I was heart broken yet again. As a result, I took my frustration out in the only manor I could and refused to make that ugly bed for a week. I soon gave up on that too, as it was making me nuts to have my bed unmade, and moved forward with life. As I said earlier, I knew I would eventaully have a new comforter. The lady whose yard sale we had attended, went to our church and did not sell the set and told me so.Two more weeks passed and finally yesterday, I was able to pay her for the coveted set and brought it home. I sat tempted most of the night last night trying to prevent myself from ripping into the bag. However, this morning while Korbin was at VBS I opened the package, washed its contents and made my beautiful new bed!!! I am soooo excited!! Everytime I walk down the hallway and look into my room, I have a sence of satisfaction that I waitted so long to have and can fully apperciate its beauty. No, it's not new. No, it's not something that I would have ordinarily picked out in the store or cataloge. But it was the right price, it had everything I wanted(2 standard shams, 2 euro shams, 2 throw pillows, a bedskirt, the devuet cover and a new sheet set) and it was the right for us. God is good! I may not always get what I think I want right at the moment I want it, but when God does provide, I am always more thankful and/or excited to see his His hand working than I would have been if I would have gotten it a year ago.The picture above is similar to the set that we have now, and I love it!!

C25K

2008-07-15T15:47:00.004-04:00

Well, folks my entire summer routine has gone right out the window!! I was totally gun-ho over getting reorganized and resceduled since my surgery-let-everything-go mishap. I held on with both hands for two weeks to this schedule, and then life got in the way and everything totally and completely fell apart on me.
Since my husband recognized that I was nearing drowning in the tide of not knowing what to do next, he reacted as a life guard would and stepped in. This week, since Korbin is at VBS at my grandma's church from 10am-1pm everyday, it is my job everymorning to focus on cleaning and organizing our home. In the afternoons, along with giving Korbin some quality time and running errands, I will put down on paper all the things that I need to do, what to do and should do in a week. Then Saturday, Rod and I will be devoting the morning to coming up with a family schedule & chore chart that is realistic, reasonable, and achievable for everyone.
After all the parenting books that I read, you would think that this would be something I could do and implament on my own. In the past, I have done so very successfully. However, the thing that I satrificed to achieve that success was time for me. Time for me means something differant that it use too. My time is not spent shopping or sipping coffee at a local coffee shop with my friends. I do enjoy those moments occassionally, however, on a day to day basis time for me means time to read my bible and digest what it says, time spent in prayer for my loved ones, needs and needs of others, time to eat correctly and time to exerise.Since I had my surgery, many of those things that I had once listed as a luxery to do, is now a neccessity or a "have too".
In order to achieve success with Korbins homeschool in the fall, my classes to finish my education, my weight loss and anything else I take on, I/We must begin now. As a result, Korbin will not be formally taking any classes at the YMCA again until the fall session at the end of August. My time at the Y will be spent on Tues & Thurs in a water class and participating in something called a Couch to 5k challenge(C25K). Over the next nine weeks, three days a week I will be focusing on moving from a walk to a run for 5 kilometers (which is approx a 30 minute run or 3 miles). I will be doing this in the form of a podcast and a treadmill. I know it sounds like I am completely nuts, but I am superstoked!! I've always wanted to be a good runner, and ran track briefly in high school. So now, in order to get back on track at home and at the gym, I needed something that could give me some flexablity(any three days I choose and anytime that I choose) and some results.So, the question I have for you, my avid readers. What will you do? Will you encourage me and wish me the best while shaking your head thinking I am nuts? Or will you join in? I'm starting on Monday..........