I am sooo stressed that the weight of several burdens at once feel as if I am carrying steal upon my shoulders!! It is 11:30 at night and typically I am in bed at 10pm, and there is no end in sight to the thoughts whirling through my head. I feel as if I am in a vortex, things whirling around me at a break neck speed with no escape. Sadly, I have no idea how I arrived in the mixed-up madness that seems to surround me at every angle.
As I sit back and try to "count my blessings" and exhale, I can not seem to get past the obvious before the worries and fears begin to creep back in. As it stands, I can not seem to catch my breathe!!
My amazing husband has been out of work for more than a year and a half now. Several weeks ago, he went for a series of interviews beating out over 500 candidates! Just as we thought a job was on the horizon, our hopes were dashed yet again as they offered the position to the "other guy" in my husband very last interview. As we sit back and try to glean wisdom from what God allowed to happen yet again, it is only human to feel defeated.
There is an on going saga with my little sister and her two daughters, that simply breaks my heart. I want to have all the answers for them, to take away their pain and support them in every way possible.However, it seems that I am unable to keep my own head above water rendering me helpless in her current situation. I wonder why God is allowing this? What good can come from such heart ache? However, I know that He allows things to bring us into a right relationship with him and all things work together for good for those that love him and are called according to His purpose. Yet, it does not make these trails any easier to bare as we look for tangible answers but do not receive them.
When my mom died 11 years ago, my mamaw stepped right in to help me get through those moments that I needed my own mom but did not have her available. After the birth of my first son, I remember crying and asking my mamaw why I still needed mom so much even at 26. Putting her own pain aside, she wiped my tears and allowed me to lean on her in my own mom absence creating an amazing bond that words can not express. As I sit here, I am looking at the possibility, sooner than later, of being on earth without her and I am just unsure how to process this impending reality. I know the pain of loosing a parent,and a grandparent but I am unsure where to classify this type of relationship. Codependent? Special? Untitlable? Just not sure...
Better yet, I wonder why it is that I have to analyze and compartmentalize my life so much. I have never had the ability to just "handle things as they come" like my sister. I have to anticipate them, rationalize them and compartmentalize them to cope. However, in each experience with death I have had in the past, it has been pre- motherhood. How do I explain such unexplainable pain to my analytical son?
I literally and physically exhausted but I can not turn off my brain.
A dear friend is dealing with health issues with her son, that causes me to be more thankful every day for the things that I do not have to deal with, that what I do have to deal with. Her pain is my pain as I know the love a mother has for her child only wanting the best for him. I want to step in and somehow change what is happening to this amazing little boy who has somehow become my own son's "best friend". But sadly, I can not. I tell us both- that God is great physican and can heal whom he chooses but I am left at a loss at the posssiblity that what is happening is the will of the almighty for the greater good. It is hard to see the road for the bumps and potholes along the way. I want to believe and need to believe that soon there will be a smooth ride, at least long enough for us to heal and breathe again.
The straw that broke my back tonight is getting the word that someone who has unknowingly affected my life has been sticken with cancer. She is a mother of four, with her youngest being a year and several months older that my baby. Still a baby himself, forming memories and just beginning his life. This beginning is that of his mother fighting for her life so that she can see his life,and the life of her other babies, as they grow-up. Yes, I said babies because even as they grow somehow those children, teen-agers and adults still always manage to be your "babies" becuase of the place they hold in your heart. My heart aches in an amazing way for this mom of four as I pray and ask God to be merciful to her and that family. It is going to be a hard road, one I am praying that I never have to journey on myself. A road that I will journey down in prayer for this person and trusting in God's amazing abilites to touch her and health her and help her to handle all that this means. As I pray for her as a woman, a mother and a wife. I will pray for her kids- that God will shield them for the pain of this disease and allow them only to feel and remember things that will give them positive purpose for His will in thier lives. I will pray for he husband- the man she wants to spend her life with and grow old with. That God will grant that wish for the both of them. I will pray for those around her to uplift her on a daily basis and to help her to see that for some reason, God will be glorfied through this madness!!
It is after midnight now, and I wish I had more clarity. Alas, I do not. I do know this: No matter what God is Good. Circumstances are not. Life is not. Things can turn out exactly in the opposite direction as you thought they would...but if I went through all of this without God and the prospect of heaven. I would certainly go crazy instead of just wondering if I am going crazy!
