Sunday, February 7, 2010
Now that reality has set back in, I need to settle back into my high protien, low/no sugar, low fat/low carbohydrate life style that has aided me to loose all of this weight. To admit that I am scared is a mere understatement! What if I can not reclaim my eatting? What if I can not achieve my goal weight? What if.. What if.. What if????? I am plagued with what if's about my currently eatting situation and I feal as if the world is watching me to see if I can indeed do what I set out to do by meeting my goal weight of 179 pounds.
As I sat there at my sister's this evening, of course eatting her famous chip dip, I asked what would be the harm in maintain my currently 203 pound status instead of trimming the fat and continueing down my weight loss journey?After all, everyone says I look great and I feal pretty great so what would be the harm in staying where I am???
Her answer: Nothing! There would be no harm in staying where I am, it is a heck of alot less that 379 pounds! To hear her say what I have been thinking gave me a sense of relief. It also gave me a sense of purpose: I do not have loose any more weight since my weight is no long my identity. It is a number on a scale but does not define me. I am now free to be me: Kristy; Mommy, Wife of one husband, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, saved by grace and so much more but no longer my weight!! I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off of me!!
Yet, I felt challenged. I set a goal for myself and why shouldn't I achieve it?? I have never achieved a goal I have set for myself, and don't I deserve to achieve my dreams??? I never completed college or ran a marathon or become a photographer,or a published author or traveled around Europe, all dreams I had hope to bring into existence. In the same vain of comparisson, I have accomplished things that I did not know I wanted- to get married, to serve my mate with thoughtfulness and compassion, to have children and to stay at home with them, serve my Lord and Savior with passion and humility, to care of our aging population, and to become healthy.
So, I have choosen to finish what I have started for once and loose that last 24 pounds. After all, I have already lost 177 pounds, shouldn't I be able to loose a mere 24???? The answer is yes!! I have all the tools and knowledge and have already started down the path, not I just have to continue down the road. As today is Sunday, the day in which every new week begins for all bible based christains, I look to Monday as the beginning of the "work" week. What will I work on this week???
I will work on getting in at least 64oz's of water everday. I will take my vitamens and supplements everyday. I will eat my meals without drinking and will not drink for 15 minutes after eatting. I also will eat my protien first and will eat two bites of protien to evey one bite of complex carbohydrates on my plate. I will track my food in a journal and figure out how many calories/fat grams/ carbohydrates I am eatting and work on getting those in check for the following week. I will make it a commitment to get to the gym at least two times this week. Those are the things I would like to work on this week. These are all things I can control, and know that if I am to meet my big goal I must first start by meeting little ones.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
There is so much going on in my life right now, and it seems almost impossible to stop myself from "worrying" over everything!! If I am awake I am thinking and if I am asleep, I am dreaming about what I should be thinking about if I were awake. It is a horrorible circle of anxiety that I do not seem to be able to shake, which is totally effecting my weight loss.
To back the train up a little, I had Konnor is October and with in a few weeks most of my "baby weight" was gone, give or take 10 pounds or so. Then, on December 11 I went to the ER because I was experiencing some pain in the upper right quaderant of my stomach, and stayed there for 6 days as they removed my gallbladder. It was an open procedure, and because of my gastric bypass, I left the hospital with a T-Tube and a JP drain, and thirty two staples and various holes and cuts in my stomach.
Earlier this week, I sat in my living room recently discharged from my activity restriction watching Dr. Oz. I love Dr. Oz! He is a no nonsense kinda Dr and he typically puts his heart where is mouth is and speaks from there.His guest this day was Carnie Wilson.
Encase you are not familiar with Carnie, she was a member of the group Wilson Phillips in the 80's and her dad is Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. She, like me, has been battling her weight since early childhood. In 1999, she broadcasted her gastric bypass over the internet and lost alot of weight. Her very public battle with weight has been a source of strength and comfort for me as I also battled obesity. Since becoming an active member in my own life again, I stopped keeping track of Carnie.
To say I was shocked to see her again was an understatement!! I was completely unprepared to see that she has gained back alot of her weight and was know asking Dr. Oz for his help to get off the up and down rollercoaster her weight had been on. I watched the show in a stunned silence, and mulled over the shows contense for the rest of the day. It is very rare that I am moved by a daily talk show, but this particular day I could not get the recent picture of Carnie Wilson out of my mind verses the memory of the black and white photo I took standing in our apartment in the early morning hours before my own gastric bypass.
Today, I weigh 203 pounds. Which is exacly nine pounds heavier than my prepregnancy weight. For a normal person, a nine pound weight gain after pregnancy would probably be cause for celebration. However, for someone who had has a life long weight battle, nine pounds is only a few pounds away from that person I never want to become again!!!
It took me several days to come to terms with the realization that I am not Carnie. Although we share many common food issues, I simply will not allow myself to go back there!!! Ever!!!! Over the next days and weeks, I will get back to my protien shakes, tracking my calories/fat grams and exerising. I will tack my progress and I will succeed!!!!!!!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Konnor Rymon was born Tuesday, October 6th at 8:42 am and weighed 7lbs 4oz's and 19 1/4 inches long. I held my breath as I heard him cry for the first time and waited until they announced his weight... 7 pounds?! Did they say 7 pounds 4 ounces??? That was just one ounce smaller than his brother!! He was not a small baby after all!!! I felt relieved, my weight gain was not for nothing!! Tears filled my face, as I breathed a sigh of huge relief.. I guess I did not realize how scared I was.. I made the decision to have weight loss surgery to save my life so that I could be a mother to Korbin. However, I had never anticipated that those same decisions would effect the life of dream I had prayed for so long. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days, and came home Friday evening.
Life began swirling around me and I tried to breast feed for the first time, although Konnor was our second child, Korbin was completely bottle feed. I was exhausted but exhilarated, I contemplated giving up at least once a day. My breast were so sore and I was only getting an hour or two of sleep at a time, not to mention the stress I was under since Konnor was rapidly loosing weight. We took him to the doctor every week for six weeks to have his weight checked, every time to be the potential time that they would hospitalize him for failure to thrive.
This is Konnor at three months old, approximently 12 1/2 pounds. When Konnor was 2 months old, I was hospitalized for 6 days to have my gallbladder removed. During which time, I had to stop breast feeding and Konnors weight began to sky rocket with the formula!! He is a wonderful baby, always happy and generally smiling!!
God has truly blessed me beyond measure and I am so thankful to be a mommy again. To date, I have lost all but 9 pounds of my "baby weight" and look forward to continuing my weight loss journey! It won't be easy, but I know that if I can loose 177 pounds and I loose that last little bit to get to my goal weight. Weight loss surgery for me was not a quick fix but the answer to a life long battle, which did not end on the day of surgery but merely just began.